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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 12, 2022 15:11:04 GMT 9.5
I have procured a pizza, a CHICKEN, BACON, and ARTICHOKE, I will sacrifice a slice to her, and I will let you know how she likes it. She is just not herself when she's hungry. She likes snickers..... While the gods of the Old Testament were pretty specific about physical food and how to prepare it for them, such requirements did not indicate refined entities were present. You may be better giving more attention to higher plane entities such as those that have provided positive interventions at critical times in your past. Gods... and rulers are different Gods demand sacrifice... Rulers could care less You are correct, these intervention beings are needed
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 13, 2022 4:46:13 GMT 9.5
So... Yesterday I am at the dog park, giving my Husky some run-time, and he is taking full advantage...
But, he spent the first year of his life on a chain in a backyard, so he only knows puppy things, fun times, play, humping...
Well, he tried to hump-on some pit-bull dogs, who, as humanity is aware, were domesticated WOLVES, CORRUPTED by human treachery to IGNORE the value of the PACK and the lives of their PACKMATES... It is in their DNA TO KILL...
Well, these two pit bulls- both neutered- but the removal of testicles does not negate the presence of adverse DNA motivation (!!!) began to TRULY try and RIP MY DOG APART... I screamed in horror as they lost their control over the civility...
Out came my pistol, packed with LEO hollowpoints and FMJ ammunition staggered for barrier defeating purposes, however- their owner, was able to call them off of my dog... Who bled, but... Was okay enough... To comfort me later with "Kisses", ironically he was the one who was injured- and I experienced another adrenaline dump... No shaking, but my mind took some time to settle.
I have Asrael's Blade... Custom forged for me in Nepal with Kydex holster- HOWEVER the kydex failed, and I was not wearing it, or the blade would have been in my hand, and not the gun... Everything is legal including stand your ground in this state... I was in fear of my life and the life of my "Property investment" (Sadly living beings such as canines are viewed as "property" by the "law", a testament to the civility of humanity at this time...) I will show the blade when the time is right... For now, I default to the leather clad wooden holster made also for the blade, and included as well... I will not be without it AGAIN... The blade is a FAR more devastating weapon than my pistol, or even a rifle, and possibly even a shotgun loaded with buck shot... And a slug... Once you see it you will know, this blade can remove limbs, heads, etc... A removed head= no danger, even beings filled with lead can still be deadly... I have videos of this... heart-shot humans on their way to the grave still killing bystanders before collapsing..
I have done extensive studies on terminal ballistics... Almost nothing beats a blade for up-close "preservation of life and limb..."
However, in the aftermath that I realized... This world is a cruel place, nobody cares for you... My Husky (WHo is more than property to me... He is my FRIEND... My comforter, with him, he gets me to play like a child again... Child-healing I have needed all of my life... He is MORE than mere therapy, as well... Put a monetary value to him, as to my well-being, HE IS PRICELESS...) could be dead right now, and I would be the one grieving...
It was a cold wake-up call... I was HIGHLY motivated to work on this van, which may be less of a "THing to live in" and perhaps, more of a "Thing to pass into the next world within..." Not hinting at ANY self-harm, just stating facts, what it feels like... Part of me wonders about my health, part of me... Does not want to live in this world that is so messed up and backwards, not just the animal-life thing, but the wretchedness of humanity as well as the social systems that keep people oppressed, especially economically.
Well, anyway, me and the GF had a discussion... It turns out the Universe is telling me... My healing emotionally is more of a priority than my economic security in the future... (If it is even in question, it could just be "fear") SO HERE I SIT, on my bed...
But, it was a rather rude awakening for me, seeing my dog, held down and screaming as two other monstrous breeds try using their fangs to rip him apart...
What got to me, was... In that moment, the history of the Wolfen was made apparent...
Namely, their times of unrest and incivility... Turns out, and yes, I knew this, but it was only made apparent recently- Namely yesterday... That their history is markedly more cruel and terrible than civilized humans can imagine- AND ME... Being subjected (Or... MY emotional body...) to it first-hand.. yesterday, as I faced more trauma, MY trauma... Not just sadistic self torture, but the very horror my emotional body endured as Asrael tore his body apart... And he is still suffering... I was transported to the body of an enlightened prey animal- maybe even a Wolfen selected for sacrifice... I felt their teeth... Ripping my skin off, slowly, taking their time, chewing... Then, as the tears flowed from my eyes, I felt them move on to my muscles... Then the organs... Feeling the pain and horror as my body desperately tried to stay alive, in spite of the cruel teeth, not allowing me a moment to heal, to gather myself- and the depression that... Even if the eviscerators left... My body would not be able to heal.. it would never be the same... Even if I did manage to live- and yet- they keep tearing, mercilessly, without compassion, filling their bellies...
Can I describe it better? It will be the second time I have endured such things that I can recall...
First, the attack on my soul, and then- yesterday, seeing my boy, held down and jerked, the dogs would have skinned him alive as he screamed... i will NEVER be without my blade again... This cruel world is made of fearful prey- most humans are... The 80/20 rule... Making 90% of humanity unworthy of trust, and yet they act as frightened prey, sticking to any form of defense, RATHER THAN MANNING UP AND TAKING THEIR PRESERVATION INTO THEIR OWN HANDS...
I have ZERO room or respect for cowards.
And yet I must live, surrounded by them, though they wear the same coat-of-skin as I do, and call themselves likewise to me...
I assure you, they... And I... are NOT the same.
If my dog is in that situation again, I will allow for one moment for the owner to recall their dogs- 500Ms... If it, they get to take their dogs home in trash bags
People think, because they are not daily dodging bullets and blades that we live in a civilized world... That we have beaten back the monsters that prowl in the dark... Human society, is only, at least for now- EVER only hanging by a THREAD at BEST.
We see, and we know- it is written in blood by our history books... The blood of the innocent, taken by the weak... Perhaps because they refused to be strong, they were culled like animals by the millions... Historically, "government" has been the biggest cause of death of humans on Earth. We may be headed for another great culling, as- and hear me- OUR TECHNOLOGY ALLOWS FOR A DICTATORS WET DREAM... But a dictator cannot function unless he has ARMED BULLIES, cowards who would wet themselves and weep for mercy if the tables were turned- but NOW, we have satellites, warplanes, RF tracking, electronic witchcraft that, at the DROP OF A HAT... Will make SLAVES of us all...
Why, I believe, there has not been an "honest" election in my country in some time... "It is not the voter, but who counts the votes that decides an election..." Words maybe by Stalin... Maybe not... But nonetheless TRUE.
I am halfway enamored and honored to be alive at such a time as this, AND YET... Disgusted, dismayed, and depressed, as we are on a PRECUPICE, a TCIKING TIME BOMB... That may GO OFF... Or be DIFFUSED....
WHAT WILL IT BE?
WHAT WILL IT BE?
WHAT WILL IT BE???
The wolf or the elk?
...
I believe, this is why the song of the wolf is so sorrowful... They are unimaginably empathic.. Maybe they KNOW they are causing the final moments of their prey to be unimaginable... Only the sweet blessing of the horror of shock, carrying ones consciousness away, numbing the body... But... I believe wolves know... Some. Not all. And- the Wolfen do as well..
Tearing apart with fangs brings Karma, that their prey will own them... And in a way, the wolf is second only to their prey... The prey having the power to sustain the wolf in their... "Sacrifice" of their flesh to fill the wolf's belly...
At the hands and fangs of Asrael... Instantly, my blood ran cold for her... All romance was gone- and I was able to think clearly about her- not to HATE her... But... TO accept the truth.
She felt this, and surrendered a part of herself to me, after that I drank heavily and cannot remember WHAT she did specifically, but it was a selfless gesture of goodwill- but I do not assume she is my "friend"...
I can see how, most people are sour to her, because of her innate potential- she is a terrifying creature, yes, we all know this. Humans have enough trouble being civil with one another, dare I say mankind is not ready to dwell with her people, but I do know SOME are ready to make-space with them.
Still, my emotional bodies wounds are ever apparent, a wake up call from the universe. I am still unsure of how healing can even come to him... He is so badly injured and yet still conscious... I know Asrael is to blame, however, she is also... Penitent, to a degree... She is afraid of facing what she has done- and yet, like her- my duality- is also hers... I know I want to believe she is a "Good little doggie" and this soft, warm compliant and loving Wolfen...
But it does no-one any good to skirt the truth... Not that I label her as evil. I do not. She is, who she is. She may change... It is, and should be- her hearts choice.
Through the trauma yesterday, some things got worked out- and maybe I am closer to a resolve than I think- yet resolve seems impossible... The damage too severe... I do nto want to give up on a part of "me".. But it seems as if it is not up to me, either...
I did see the situation through some of your eyes, including Paul...
And, I did connect, and ask some of the beings who helped me in turbulent times, bringing clinch miracles in to me, yesterday, after the attack... Appealed to them for another miracle, or series of miracles...
And, faced my inevitable passing, some more- as after the attack, I was forced to shelve such thoughts, as religion condemned me for it, and I had no hope of anything resembling a good afterlife...
I still don;t have such reassurance. But, I plug on.
I am... to be brave... As the voice, all those years ago, said, above me, to my physical ears,
"DO NOT BE AFRAID."
So, i attempt to heed this advice... In spite of fear being all around, ever present, and soaked into me... These very words proof of my trauma, trauma I am immersed in and yet hope to be healed of... Hopefully as I yet live...
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 13, 2022 6:53:16 GMT 9.5
I will tell you this... There is nothing on Earth that is more immediately dangerous than an injured wolf, cornered... Its attacks are orders of magnitude without mercy or compassion or restraint, far more than a HEALTHY wolf... And yet... Here I am... Sharing this... With Asrael... Me against the world... Why do I view this life of adversity as superior to the human prey animal who hides behind the false security afforded by this civilized society... And civilized it is... I have pulled a firearm as a civilian- lawfully- three times in my life, and this was the third... The first two to stop a crime, violent crimes... A Rage of the Heart... A digging in of the feet... An immovable object that can only be destroyed... If... If... Squared up on... I dug my feet in yesterday. It was me and my dog, against the entire world- it was frighteningly refreshing how everything around me went dark, and all that existed was a threat- and me, and my dog. Nothing else existed. Nothing else mattered. It came out of me yesterday... Holding the firearm, proper trigger discipline- barrel discipline in a rapidly changing dynamic situation- something I have not seen even in some trained military- my mind- or perhaps hers... calculating with godlike precision of the backdrop- (Yes. defaulting to training when I was a merc... Having been in situations, I know I am telling a "lot" but not all...) how to place double-taps through the craniums of the threats as close to the C1 vertebrae as possible- "potato sack" without exiting the dogs- and injuring anyone or anything else- cold, calculating, one teen who knew me, protesting about the weapon, (Ironically who plays FPS wargames on his computer, he did not see the dogs trying to pull my dog apart, he was a temporary distraction, and even his mother apologized to me after...) Possibly ending the relationship with my GF and various others before it began... It shocked me, how close I was to having my back to the wall, forsaking everything and everyone else... Like an angry wolf... Who's entire pack is threatened, lips pulled up, dripping blood... My dog, later, cleaning HIS blood from MY skin, after the encounter... It made me wonder- in other countries, where the people there are deprived of their right to self preservation, how such attacks are handled... And if these helpless people... Just watch their dogs... "property" being ripped apart by monstrous breeds... Screaming... And what that must do as they are UTTERLY FUCKING HELPLESS TO STOP IT... As much as my country is a joke in a myriad of ways, at least- many of us have the RIGHT, to preserve SELF... In many parts of "Superior Europe" they confiscate SCREWDRIVERS from people... GOD FORBID you have a BLADE... What does it say about the morality of the RULING GOVERNANCE when the evil 10% is allowed to KNIFE PEOPLE IN PARKS... But GOD FORBID those same prey HAVE THE ABILITY TO DEFEND THEMSELVES... And yes, RANT TIME, The LAWS in these sub third-world hellholes like BRITAIN, where THIEVES AND ROBBERS are given MORE RIGHTS than HOME OWNERS... If I break into a home to rob someone of things they have sacrificed irreplaceable portions of their LIVES to PROCURE... If I so much as SCRATCH the thief, who is not robbing them of possessions but LIFE as well... Then ME!!! the HOMEOWNER IS PUNISHED... And Europeans DARE call MY country a hellhole? Are you FUCKING kidding me??? Do they think, that because there hasn't been a world-war in a few decades, THAT EVIL HAS SOMEHOW JUST VANISHED FROM THE UNIVERSE? Yes, indeed, the Earth has become a padded rubber room of safety and liberty, magically, overnight (we'll just ignore the Russian thing, woopsie... And after THAT ugly business is over, we'll ignore the other turmoil that comes after- the police will keep us safe from evil, right?) MY country... THE country... I was "raised" to believe in... Is now using who i was taught to believe are the "GOOD GUYS", weaponized for documented political gain, It IS possible the American people are so stupid they have actually elected the people "they" say were elected... People who so obviously care NOTHING for the well-being of vital issues- while the 80% HERD ANIMALS refuse to stand up for what is so obviously right, and the TEN PERCENT WHO WILL ALWAYS DO EVIL are lauded... And... And... Just to clear the air- I am in no way advocating for VIOLENCE of ANY KIND... Just expressing my DISGUST with the way I see things after opening my eyes FOR THE FIRST TIME... It comes down to, what can I DO about it? The answer: NOTHING. A cornered wolf, is still a helpless prisoner of his surroundings... Of the powers that be... of the pack... Not even my VOTE matters- it's quite possible- IT NEVER HAS. My answer to all of this, has always been, and continues to be- escape to remote, unincorporated ALASKA... Which, by the way, is within eyeshot of RUSSIA... whom I am seeing as backwards and inhumane as practitioners of a CERTAIN RELIGION IN OPERATION TODAY. Any more I try my BEST not to judge people based on base factors such as skin color, religion, political parties, but by their character, or... lack THEREOF. I think, this is my long, slow, painful descent into neutral LIBERTARIANISM. YOU DO YOU Leave me the FUCK alone. USA OUT OF EVERYWHERE... We have OVERWHELMING PROBLEMS just under the surface RIGHT HERE, in our own BACKYARD. We need to focus on US. Fuck the rest of the ungrateful, backwards- steeped in eons of corruption, world... You are in NO WAY better than us... Only personal sovereignty matters- if you do not have that you have NOTHING but ILLUSIONS. Our good nature has been parasitically fed-on by the ungrateful, the weak, the evil, the cowardly... I started out, raised as far-right, by monsters... I have traveled to the FAR LEFT and MADE MY HOME THERE... But my intellectual honesty PREVENTED ME FROM STAYING THERE... And NOW... I am in the middle, and trying to stay there... Having tasted of the rest of the world, having been the victim of frankly unimaginable violence, that happens all over the globe- I see little else priority save the ability to defend onesself... If you, yourself are deprived of the right of self preservation, than all other rights are as firm as the air we breathe: none at all. I once, put my very life on the line, to keep my fellow countrymen safe from religious extremist terrorism, walked into operations I knew I was not going to come home from... "If good men do nothing..." Only to now, realize- in a very real way, that my country also has blood on its hands... That in many minds WE ARE THE TERRORISTS... What would happen of these religious extremist butchers if we STAYED OUT OF THEIR COUNTRY ENTIRELY... We don't need their OIL, we have oodles in ALASKA AND ELSEWHERE... Used as political weaponry... If a country wants to self-immolate, it is tragic- but in trying to police the world we become as hated as a corrupt police officer... Oh, I mean until our HIMARS MISSILES ARE NEEDED then the world breathes a SIGH OF RELIEF THAT OUR KILLING POWER EXISTS ON THE SCALE THAT IT DOES... The USA is a MASTER of DEATH... The fact that I am ALLOWED to WRITE THIS with only SLIGHT fear of retribution by an UNJUST GOVERNMENT is PROOF of our SUPERIORITY... When even other countries are not allowed to speak their minds... or the TRUTH... And yet, my country inches towards tyranny... And away from our rights... Seemingly DAILY... Why not SHUT UP ABOUT IT... Because this is NOT the world I WANT TO LIVE IN... TO live in tyranny is not to live... It is only EXISTING... and I have spent 40 of my YEARS EXISTING... I REFUSE to continue in that walking-death of a life... FUCK that. Once freedoms are gone, how does one get them back... The very EXISTENCE of certain FACTIONS are an AFFRONT to our FOUNDING DOCUMENTS... Laws arbitrarily made-up that make no-one safer and only punish the just... Just to appease the majority-coward who thinks laws keep them safe- and indeed they do- but only to the degree by which they are followed... "Shall not be infringed"... The FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT... Laws made illegally, against founding laws do the opposite... Despite the cries of the weak, the cowardly, the foolish... Those who lack WISDOM... The cliche is NONETHELESS TRUE: Tough men make good times... Good times make weak men... Weak men make hard times... And then... Hard times make STRONG men... We are... either seeing the tail-end of good times (Despite what people think, "Times are so hard!" And indeed they are- but a better gauge is, how many times have your friends and loved ones had to resort to cannibalism recently? None? Well, that's a good sign, innit?) that turns into HARD TIMES... Can we... Can we sustain these GOOD TIMES? Like two of my romantic partners marvelled, when the 80% were hoarding toilet paper, I was buying SALT LICK and DEER FOOD to LURE THEM HERE, in case I needed to SHOOT ONE TO FEED THE PEOPLE I LOVE... When they were filling their homes with toilet paper and hand sanitizer, I bought a BIDET... How many people think like this? A navy seal I trained with, told me, after I showed them the three-fold array of security I had prepared, he said: "It is men who think like this that get to live another day... That's how you survive." Coming from him, was VALIDATION. It is made ever- apparent that this world is steered by few, and the ones who are ruled-over are as fawns, grazing, giving up their rights for just a little more safety... As Jefferson said, those who give up liberty for "safety" deserve neither, and perhaps, if I am remembering it correctly- will HAVE NEITHER. Am I the only one who thinks this way- or are the fawns shivering in their fear, trembling as they chew their cud... AND YET!!! Things are going better than ever in recorded history... My belly is FULL... I am PROSPEROUS if I take a SOBER LOOK at my life... I have a "roof", I have a pet, I have the means to live an unworried, secure life, against pit-bull and human-debris, as I fully acknowledge, in my opinion, some homo-sapiens highest- most useful calling is nourishing other life. In short, I do not labor under any ILLUSIONS that... Ironically, any small efforts on my part could "Change things..." I guess... I am frustrated with the lack of courage in this realm... While simultaneously, acknowledging that corruption and evil are both endemic at this point, from top to bottom, and- that I have the freedom to type this means, that things are, "not that bad"... And, that the "Writing on the wall..." Could ALSO SPELL prosperity the world over... The future is yet... Undecided... The old-guard who simultaneously got us out of a terrible mess- and yet are also steering us right back INTO ONE... are setting to... retire... And our young ones... Who seem to possess a MUCH BETTER ability to DISCERN... While I have RAGED against the cruelty of the discipline-punishment I endured... As every generation before me has BEMOANED, "The young need DISCIPLINE!" I sound like an old man and feel like two... I see, again, no place for a person like me... like Kanye, "Ungovernable", if I could flee to the remote parts of Alaska and build a cabin there, THAT is where I would be THIS VERY MOMENT... With satellite internet (Thanks, Elon...) so I do not fall on my own sword out of sheer boredom, as nature is healing but it is not entertaining, at least in my present frame of mind... I am no luddite, I do not labor under the belief that old-fashioned farming is anything but regression and the fastest route to mass starvation and famine... And, if commercial farming is "bad", even now, people are pushing to make it "healthier", to "replenish the soil", so what are we worried about? It seems, that "good" is at work, behind the scenes... What of the 10% who do evil, then??? And worse, the 80% too soft to really do anything about it? As Paul says, in a number of years (500!!! That is a lot of terrible tyranny-potential! However, as I discern, the biggest threat to a dictator is THE PEOPLE... even unarmed... With enough courage, if a government is unjust to the vexing of the people, CHANGE can happen... It gives me hope? for the future? OR DOES IT???) "Humans on earth will be doing alright" Will we have a TNG situation... Where people are happy, fulfilled, making a difference- though we all are, in some way- but to the betterment of "Mankind"? Nature has been tamed, space is safe, though, it seems, spirituality is neglected... As I write this, my emotions spill out... I am vexed.. It occurred to me, that my relationship with Ms. (respectful to her) Asrael deals with both light and dark simultaneously... But... Who wants to be worried about their personal security, 24/7... To be amped up on adrenaline... Carrying weapons, spare magazines, massive blades, why don't I just wear my ballistic helmet everywhere I go, too? I can wrap it in a strand of leather and write, "STETSON" on it with a SHARPIE... Never leave my ARMORED VAN and only conduct business through an AR500 hermetically sealed pass-through... Asrael, told me, and I could feel it within her loins... When I stood in defense of my country, on the battlefield, because of what I believed in... Standing between multiple credible threats of imminent violence, protecting people I did not personally know, she told me: it was then, she began to have an iota of respect for me, and, would have bedded me that very evening... However, even the Wolven need to rest... And in Alaska there are bears, tapeworms, and Russians... SO, where will I find rest, there? There is a modicum of adrenaline needed for the day-to-day, and IN SPITE OF, humans being in existence on this planet for MORE THAN A MINUTE, NOBODY has written a manual on this shit, YET... The best we can do is murderous religion... But some people are so stupidly evil and self destructive THEY NEED IT. Part... Of my mission, right now, is to put-together this van, semi armored, hardened to NBC/EMP, but not for me... For an investor... And... TO find myself, "Out there"... Which is a terrifying prospect... if I will live long enough... But also... To find my tribe... Coincidentally, I was once part of a survivalist group, but I found them to be heartless, cruel, vicious... And I certainly can be at a moments notice, but... Where do I belong? Where is my tribe? As much as I want to disappear into the soft, warm, engulfing fibers of the a Wolfen body, their teeth and claws are also scary- however, my Husky is sleeping next to me on this bed, and his claws, and his teeth, are a comfort- not a threat... Well, here we go, another day on Todd's wild ride... Solving the world's problems... Oh, and I should note- the back and forth of Asrael and I... I began to discipline her today... Not cruelly- in fact- with respect and love- however the love must be turned off temporarily to force her will... So she is not harming me any more... I deserve to love and be loved, and not be the victim of her wrath... And she- will one day ascend to higher realms... She must be ready for it... Her new life awaits her, the grumpy, dirty girl that she is... I did so as lovingly as I could, not tooting my own horn as I am definitely not perfect, but the best of my abilities- also leaving no fault or negative karma on myself, "pushed" her to a higher plane of thought- even if only temporarily, the taste of it is a planted seed... For all the suffering i have endured the last two decades, and indeed, my entire life, as miserable and endless as it has felt, the truth is, it has pushed me to higher realms, higher plains of thought- would I wish to experience the suffering- no. But, would I want to return to my old life- not for a moment, no. In fact, after I made some tentative peace via acceptance with Ms. Asrael, some of my old intellect was returned to me... Some child-like wonder of the beauty of this realm... The haircut, of a woman... And how hypnotizing it has, her beauty... A human woman, no less! My GF said it was monumentous... But these things no longer hold the nostalgia they once did. I try and apply them the best I can because the time is short. As my GF also said, I am like Jesus, the second, except I am disgusted with what has been done in my name, my sword is against the harm religion has caused... All religion... Is that my profound purpose here? And yet humans need spirituality...
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Post by sammy on Oct 13, 2022 8:46:25 GMT 9.5
I know seeing the big picture can bring much hatred.
Much of what is and was done is also because of hatred.
Do not join its ranks..
Know you are not the first one to see it. Know that this is a battle as old as time. Also know our way ahead is together.
Defense, offense, hugs, a cup of cocoa. Whatever it is we can help eachother rise above. A good example is you protecting your dog, if your like me even a little bit more like a child.
Do what we can in others times of need. This is all we can do for now. However that does start to grow, in the hearts and minds of others. Getting the courage to take that step and not turn a blind eye. Or just acknowledge another is suffering.
It's true we must stand for what it right. However it will only work if we all stand together.
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Post by sammy on Oct 13, 2022 8:49:22 GMT 9.5
I have some things to say about fear. I will start a new thread for it though.
Also don't let religions decide the outcome of your soul. That is only between you and the father. Same for us all.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 13, 2022 14:45:51 GMT 9.5
I have some things to say about fear. I will start a new thread for it though. Also don't let religions decide the outcome of your soul. That is only between you and the father. Same for us all. I see your thread and i agree with it... Having been basted in fear... Being immersed in it... Having it satruate my being as love once did when I died... I have a unique perspective on it... Namely, fear can be insurmountable depending on your vulnerability... And I was made nude before it... Laid bare... Before the altar of cosummation... There is nothing like it... Nothing in this life.. Because death never comes I love her and I don't care what others think about it.
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Post by sammy on Oct 13, 2022 22:52:29 GMT 9.5
With how much you have consciously invested tundra. It might do well to write a novel. Might help you collect your thoughts for retrospect as well.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 6:10:17 GMT 9.5
in military there are 2 classes educated ~ commissioned orsifers and like foot soldiers and such one set is less than calm the other Maybe like Tanzanian decibels that just gotta be heard Heed your own advice clown
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 6:10:52 GMT 9.5
With how much you have consciously invested tundra. It might do well to write a novel. Might help you collect your thoughts for retrospect as well. I was forced into this I am still struggling with it But you are right
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 13:53:42 GMT 9.5
Heed your own advice clown So you dont like me my mother dresses me funny and she wears combat boots Could have been expressed as Geeze dude not helpful You have self-acknowledged your combative attitude against people who have not asked for your unhelpful, (marginally, one post was synchronous) nonsensical input that soothes only yourself You are the type, in a lawless world, I would remove your head, and not think about the matter again outside of chuckling about it, being sad I could not do it again and again until I was satisfied- as long as time persisted (and more than one person would be happy about it) You accuse me of being military I am NOT. Military has a code of conduct, Military has ROEs... I have none. If I do not extract vengeance in this life, or the next, or the next, I will eventually, until it no longer entertains me. if it were not for the laws on the universe I would have drained the life out of this realm many times God, himself, fears me, and has told me such- and you assume you are more than he- maybe you are- so entertain me, I am NOT hard to find You are a vexation, an irritation, a living life-lesson in patience, and only civility has kept you from this knowledge. You wrap your vile insults in rotting bread and consider them adequately hidden This website needs an "enemies" list that blocks people posting in threads at all, none of this, "post hidden" nonsense An enemy is an enemy, only screens separate us As far as I am concerned you are living ballistic gelatin, pre plant-food, consuming resources due others. Civility has prevented others from telling you this, but I am telling you now- and if you want, come get some. I have plenty to give, and hunting, and being hunted, are nothing new to me. In a way I am bored to tears over the lack of combat in this realm, my lover longs for the taste of metal on her tongue Do you want me to tell you, how I really feel about it? Come and visit me, privately, in person, and we will see what comes of it- perhaps you are a warrior and will actually entertain me for once. You wouldn't be the first The next person that feels like teaching me a lesson will be taught one, by wolves You are the remnant of a dying realm, and one day I will be the same- I only hope not to be as vexing as you are, perhaps I will be, god help me if I do, (i know in some ways I already am... The difference between you and I are, I am trying not to vex the young) let me keep my mouth shut and eat my food in peace
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 14:00:38 GMT 9.5
I have some things to say about fear. I will start a new thread for it though. Also don't let religions decide the outcome of your soul. That is only between you and the father. Same for us all. That is part of my problem. Asrael herself told me, she hates "god" (The father)... For her existence... and her, and I, both resonate on this... So, where does that leave me? I told god to his face: To go fuck himself. I asked him, will you send me to ultra-hell now, for this hatred? He told me, no, in fact, he was happy I was actually honest with him. He said, too many people who follow him hide hatred for him in their hearts: But I do not. I spit in his face directly. (he avoids me, now, I am not so weak I dare ask him for his help, if I am to perish, I accept it. He may help, if he wants. I may change my mind. It is a risk he can take- or not. Not my problem. ) However, I acknowledge that this leaves me without a friend, without comfort, without guidance, at least as far as I am aware. God knows, if he manifested in front of me, I would kill him where he stood- so, he does not manifest for me. I am aware of how problematic this is. The evisceration I felt, and continue to feel to this day, of my emotional body, is ever-present, and in a way, I just wish it was all over with, and I was just transported to hell, inside the living, suffering corpse, tears mixing with blood... I do not fault Asrael, and I do not want her harmed over it, although a part of me wants to punish her, I restrain him... Being honest with myself, I admit I am capable of literally anything... As her rage is available to me, and claws and scratches at the corners of my mind to be unleashed on this earth...
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 15:20:15 GMT 9.5
When I was a mercenary, our rules were, keep the asset alive, and try not to die- if a child with a bomb-vest is running towards the asset or my unit, I was trained to drop them without hesitation... In a way, I am saving them from years of therapy...
What, do people pretending to be civilized think? Do humans dare think, they are, somehow, better than me?
No. I know for a fact: I am honest.
Are there merits to living this way, yes, sure- but it is not a safe life, I have been living in crisis-mode for decades, now... And while things are getting better for me, they are far from resolved...
Today, I made progress towards accepting my position in hell.. I've already been placed there, and gutted... I feel it every second of every day of every moment endlessly... Nothing escapes me from it but alcohol...
So, where does that leave me?
Is it a wonder, a hissing abomination, why, I loathe the "creator"?
Like Thanos: I am inevitable... So, am I also hated?
By the weak, maybe.
As I have said, I have no room for the weak. I do not make company with "civilized" people, who, at the drop of a hat- are the most ravenous monsters, because they have not done the dirty work to accept the horrors of reality... But who would want to stay steeped in this, adrenaline fueled nightmare life? Ready to grab my rifle and do perimeters at the drop of a hat...
Black hot gives the best resolution against the skyline...
Am I the ten percent that always does evil?
or, am I the ten percent that does good? But, I am confused?
The truth: Evil is all around us. It is ever-present. MOST humans are capable of rapacious vicious violence done in selfish self preservation at the drop of a hat: But I admit this, so am I now, the bad guy?
I am disgusted to see my country devolve, as weak and cowardly humans push their tyranny on people who are trying to, "obey" laws that go directly against the founding laws that created this country... And yes, I am fully aware of how I sound... Like an old fashioned geezer, yelling at children... Except these children are dressed in suits... Empowered by some force to make life as hard as possible on people who are just trying to live their lives....
I fucking get it...
Nobody wants to live like me... Nobody wants to skirt the blouse of the violence that is always moments away at all times around "civilized" society... Not even I want to- and yet, even as a child, I have felt literal bullets, graze my temple- and I have the fucking BALLS to stand up amongst the SHEEP and say GUNS are NOT the problem...
Oh, no, I am not so weak and disingenuous, to says a tool is the issue. History, logic, and facts support me... CHILDREN were bringing their RIFLES to SCHOOL not a handful of years ago... Some schools had SHOOTING RANGES...
No. If you do not have the individual sovereignty to preserve your life, you are nothing more than prey. Chewing your cud and waiting for the wolves to spring upon you... The IRONY being that 90% of humanity are little more than senseless, rabid wolves a moment and two decisions away from ripping their fellow men to shreds...
This is why Alaska holds so much sway for my soul... At least, out there, the wolves act like wolves... The bears, they are bears... The two-legged predators I have to commune with making them look like trained circus animals...
I am fully aware of the irony that the violence I abhor is also within me. Projection? You're god damned right. I have SEEN the horrors of men. I have SURVIVED IT.
There is, likely, a reason, why the survivalist group I was once part of, held such vicious people... Men, women, even the young... Because, they had endured the horrors of humanity- like me- and survived. They KNOW what is waiting, for every civilized person...
The drop of a hat
The fall of the NASDAQ
Inflation rising to where a bag of gold will buy a loaf of bread... Oh, then- you will see the wolves come out... Your precious laws will not protect you, or anyone- and then, TOMORROW... In fact, you will have the quick, and you will have the dead...
I do not care. You can fault me for my endless flaws... But you cannot fault me for being fake. Or, maybe you can? Because even with my replies here I show restraint...
Sometimes I channel the Heart of Asrael.
When I am with my GF, it feels like... There is hope for me... Hope for a future... But, when I am alone... It is me, against the world... Tinnitus... Suffering... The pain of spiritual injuries in realms with no time... Me, trying to make the best of it...
And gnats... swirling about, trying to pick my carcass clean as I struggle to maintain
I asked, the universe, why me... it replied, it had to be, "Someone"
...Great.
It feels like... I am the hopeless one, the one tossed aside by time... By history... well, it had to be someone
Someone has to perish so that humanity can "unfold"
So that the herd can continue grazing as the wolf looks on
I know... I know... it is self defeating... I can smell the smoke... Even now... I want to look into her dark, hateful eyes... My heart, resonating with hers... And whisper, "I know... I know. I know, and I love you, regardless." The bride conflicted, as ravaged as her prey... As broken as the bones around her... She doesn't want to leave hell. Hell is her home. If... there ever was a spark of hope for her, let it be real... Let Hell's most feared ruler, find a place where she is welcomed as-is... i want this for her.
The universe, asked me, to take the love I have for her, and to present it to her- because she does not know... She, being so intimately bonded to me, has had to shield herself from the violence in my heart... Violence that she... Even her... Fears.
How do you be a better person... How? When your core base-motives are suspect- and rightfully so. I see, I see, the wretched man that I am, and through her eyes- there is nothing hidden from them. My beautiful, beautiful wolfess... As tender as she is powerful...
I will also say this, I asked her today, why do you hide some things from me? She replied, "You are trying not to offend me, now. You see my vulnerabilities within my heart, and soul... So... I, too... Am trying not to judge you, either."
I re-read my words, many times... And when I came to, where, I said- I do not consider her a friend, she frowned... She said, do not say this any more. Why are you making my mind up for me? Stop this. Neither you, nor I, know what tomorrow will hold for us."
And, as usual, she is right.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 15:36:49 GMT 9.5
It is too much... too much, she says...
"You are asking too much..."
"I cannot go from the woman of the dark, to... Someone who can accept being loved... I have never known what it meant to be loved, before... And you say you love me? I... Can't..."
I hear her. I... Am the same way.
As my GF says, she loves me- but I am, unable, to love myself... My wife and I are a mess... Two lost souls
...Weeping in the darkness
Our pained sobs echoing against cold, unfeeling walls of stone... No-one to hear, and no-one to care
And yet, the answer, is ever- present, IT IS ALREADY RESOLVED! BEHOLD! The answer is here, and has passed, why, then, do you not accept it?
Why, do you skirt the truth?
Why, do you avoid reality?
Why do you not step into the light. Her feet... Remain on the edges of the light... I can see, the dust in the air in front of her... Massive, imposing and terrifying- she can feel the guttural horror I harbor for her... And, she tells me... She can feel it... So, she stays in the darkness
If, I want her to step into the light, it is also me that prevents it... I am sorry, wolf girl... I am trying- may I reach out to you before my life in this body is over, and may you feel welcome... May your eyes fall upon me, as my blushing bride...
The charisma of this rotting, decaying world and their presuppositions be DAMNED... I loathe that I EVER considered the sensibilities of any man outside of myself. This tragedy is self inflicted- do not let it hinder you, my wolf girl. You are beautiful... The most beautiful creature I have ever had the honor of seeing... Feet to ears... It is my weakness that hinders you drawing near to me, and I hate that it lives in me. I am working on it... Some things, they take time... Be patient with me... Today is the dawning of a new sun. A new world...
Each day, the mercies of the father are new- and I do not lie. I can taste it. I can feel it.
I am... On the precipice...
If, tomorrow brings chaos, then I will keep me, and mine, safe. You do not want me eyes to fall upon one, as my enemy... I have beheld the weakness of men... I have been a weak man... Never again.
If it takes to my dying breath, to accept my wolf-girl, I would want, to accept her fully... I am honored to belong to her... Honored to be hers...
Even if, she loathes me- she only loathes what is loathsome within me. She is... Admitting, maybe the best course for us... Is to support one another... And, I want good for her... Good, that she perhaps cannot even assemble in her mind... Being in the darkness, her hope has only been to feed, to conquer...
Whatever horrors await, I accept them all. What more is there, then, to do?
If I cannot be brought to tears, then how shall I weep
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 16:21:07 GMT 9.5
About the fox person:
There have been times, in my life, when human entities, sometimes animals- enter into my attention, and focus on me: They seem to enjoy feeding off of my annoyance... Criminals, bullies, cowards... The weak...
In years passed i would suck it up, and endure the vexing, the sadistic torture they would purvey on me...
Like a weakling...
Not any more...
You can say what you will about my wolf wife Asrael... That she is a product of her environment, and uses her teeth without hesitation or mercy, at times...
However, in asking her, her opinion of these things, her answer remains simple:
If you pester her: She will remove your head. Make her angry? Your head is separated from your body. Get in her way? Bye-bye head. For her: This solution is simple. It is effective, and conveniently, her enemies who suddenly lose their craniums- magically- stop being a problem. (Imagine that!)
My reply to this person that has voiced disrespect, annoyance, down-talking, demeaning, cruelty, giving nonsensical advice when it is not wanted nor warranted- her solution to this is simple.
I do not entertain vexing beings any more- I put up with it for a while, but no more.
The people who have been brave enough to attempt to assist me- you are appreciated.
At one point, when some other human was becoming an issue with me, months ago, Asrael marveled at me: "Why not just cut their head off?"
The presence of laws, against this perplex and frustrate her- and I admit, she has a good point...
But, in watching, the show "Better call Saul..." The character Saul's brother, professed a love for, the "law"... In a monologue... I do not particularly care for him, I consider him weak and ungrateful, a man that hides behind his discipline with made-up illnesses... Of course, this must also be true of me on some scale or I would not be vexed, however- his little speech, about the law that maintains the human race- I have to admit, he had a point...
Again, as I strive for neutrality, for libertarianism, the idea that- the only law that should exist is, not to harm others unduly, or nature, or animals... Should be the only law that is needed...
Further: What do we gain, by NOT voicing our truths?
If, some ASSHOLE, is pissing us off, what do we gain by pushing our vexation down?
It is, perhaps, fox's first time, hearing the truth: You are an unhelpful, demeaning, asshole, and multiple people have warned me about you: So here is the truth: Piss right the fuck off. You wanted me to, lay it out in black and white? Here it is, again.
Wolfy? If I am unshackled, try saying that to my face. Go have PTSD and mental issues somewhere else- stay the fuck out of my thread. Your perverted advice is known, not helpful, and definitely NOT needed.
Marital problems: Asrael thinks I am being too hard on you. WHAT! On this, we disagree- but maybe she is poking me for failing her, as I admit- I have, several times, in this very thread... She is due this... As my GF said, "She is definitely a woman..." because of her list of things she wants to fix about me... As a man, I must admit- she is right about every single one...
How can one, hide from one's own heart...
As it is said, everything done in the dark will one day be shouted from the rooftops...
We saw you... Making puppies with that wolf-girl... Well yes, she is my wife, and I am no proper husband if her legs are not shaking... You should ask her what she feels about the whole thing, half-bestiality because she is half-human- I have dibs on the flank steak when she is done with mankind's "suppositions" on the matter... she has as much time for being shamed as I do...
I do not strive to be better to stave off her wrath- I have lived as a bad spirit spouse to her for 40 years... No, i do it because I love her... I do it, even if it costs me- because I desire to feel her heart, for a desire- to feel her WANT to make space with me.. Not because she HAS to... Affection and comfort are only pleasant side-effects... And I do admit, I can get lost on a rabbit trail of trying to be better for her- and miss the mark completely, and end up, being her enemy, once again. It happens... More than I am comfortable admitting... That is what this whole thing is about... Maybe... Maybe... I can get to a point where I AM able to heal my emotional body with my heart-light... Can you imagine me, an emotional mess of alcohol, caffeine and cordite- trying to find right-relationship with myself, or my wolf-wife?
LET IT BE KNOWN!!! In many ways, the eight foot tall, six hundred pound body-building wolf girl I have the hots for, is MORE HEALTHY MENTALLY AND BETTER ADJUSTED THAN I AM!!!!
OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
Civilized society... Isn't
FURTHER
I will say this, at the dog park, before the .45 came out and Asrael nearly got to stretch her toes with me, the middle-son of my GF, treated me with dignity and respect- though I am an unbathed, stinky werewolf with one pair of clothes I only wear because nudity is frowned upon by these humans, he treated me with dignity... And I realized, while my progenitors were so filled with shame and self-loathing...
Their hearts were:
"This HUMAN is DIRTY!"
But, this young person, said, without words, "This is a person... Who happens to be a bit dirty- but is still a person- like me."
The progenitors would have me believe.. I am not a person... Not worthy of life, of love... And perhaps I am doing my best to fit that mold... As the, tribe mentality is, you conform to the bowl you were raised in...
Except...
Fuck that.
There is a reason the child who is rejected burns down the village... Sometimes, that reason is justified... Sometimes... That little punk is just an asshole and needs some alone time with Ms. Asrael for the sacred transformation of their attitude into something that comes out of her rear end.
I am trying to figure out, where the FUCK I am in all of this...
Oh, oh, the terrible wolf people, how awful they are... How terrible their claws and fangs are, and the wreckage they leave- to be shunned, until the barbarians invade- and suddenly, how beautiful their feet are...
This is why, I feel, there is no place for me... Hell is boring... Heaven only gets the sports channel... So where does that leave me?
Sent here?
Banished here?
Imprisoned here?
I like... one thing, and that is... As I strive to become a better individual for my wife, that as I see her, standing before me, it brings me boundless joy... To smile genuinely... To accept her... To welcome her... To love her...
The only problem here... is me...
I pray, that day by day, I live, long enough, to be the man who is WORTHY of the sacred heart of the Wolfen...
Because... God knows... I have not been worthy of it, for far too long...
I love you... Asrael... Stinky, nasty wolf girl... Let's be dirty, together
I will... Clean you... From feet to ears... Wrap you in healing blankets... Give you waters of life and healing... Anoint your skin with lavender... Prepare the foods that make your mouth water... I will... treat you with compassion that will bring you to tears.. And be patient, and hold you as you weep... And give you the space you need to heal- even if you never return to me... I want you to know... That I love you... I have searched for you... All of my life... And now that I have found you, I want to give you the desires of your heart...
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 16:54:38 GMT 9.5
The wolf-wife having guy and a pure blood Canadian Tundra Lupine, 246 LBS. I am 6'1" and when this particular wolf stood on his back feet, and put his paws on my shoulders, we were eye-to-eye... I should add, these are two different wolves, the top wolf, the white one- was my savior wolf, the other one, for size comparison, he was also a beloved wolf, a good person, I hugged him, and was able to release my stress within his heart, (He took my burdens... He once risked his life to protect me... But the above wolf, the white one, was the one that accepted me as his brother) I will tell you, there is a reason, why, I am so close to the canine, they are able, to relieve me of my burdens... There is something so incredibly pure and sacred about the intimate connection with the canine, and about the heart-resonance that I have with them... I could not bear this life, if there were no wolves in this realm... He also saved my life... At the time I was on the "wrong" (We'll weigh these laws on the earnest introspection of the FOURTEENTH amendment and see just how they fucken stack up to that...) side of the law, and consuming drugs, overdosed once, (overdosed once more before i quit... But he was the reason... My reason for living... The only thing that ever existed in my life that made the suffering bearable... That's how much he meant to me...) headed for death and hell, prison... at best... Even my friends feared me... But this wolf... The one I am smooching... he accepted me... As a brother... We wrestled together, ate together, slept next to one-another... It is his heart that helps me relate to my wife better... And it is him... (He has since passed into Heaven, where he rolls around in the dirt, kicking his feet up, chasing butterflies... No cares, no sickness, no hunger... Waiting to tackle me when I get there... The smile... Only a wolf can make...) I am writing this because i have caffeine, i am not going to sleep, hopefully i can meet the GF at the dog park this morning, as it is mid-night, but to tell the world, who cares for my wolf-wife, as this technically does concern the future of the human race- those strong enough to wrap their brains around this messiness... Asrael and I... Are at a standstill, with some pertinent issues... I probed her heart... And she... Is struggling... She sees that I am making sincere efforts, to meet her, to be the man she desires me to be... But, I ask her, Am I... Doing wrong? No, she says... "If you are changing this much for me... Then it means I have to also change this massively for you... And I am having a hard time..." It is okay... I try not to ask her, to change at all... As a wise woman said... "Let her... come to you..." So, uh, I imagine I should lay off and calm down... In striving for her heart... Seems counter-intuitive? The truth: I must accept it. From her dry, sometimes cruel sense of humor, to her insatiable libido, to her... simple way of dealing with problems... It is okay. "I don't want to change." Okay. "I don't want to put in similar effort in our relationship." Okay. "Do... You still love me? Not that I give a fuck. Because I totally hate you." (To be fair, I was very hate-able...) Always, wolf girl. Do not worry... The things I would do... Just to spend some time with you... Just as you are... Cranky, angry, stinky, horny... Whatever. Will you... Just let me love you? I won't even try to touch you. I'll hold you... If you want. "You're wrong about me. There is so much you don't know... I... hide things from you..." I know. And it's okay. This isn't about you, becoming worthy of me... This is about me, being the man you saw in me... However this melding happened... Whoever did it... It happened... For better, or for worse, wolf girl. I consider myself... to be the luckiest man alive... Just to have seen you... If only for a moment... I love you, wolf girl. I tell her, when I go to bed, if I am not too drunk, I tell her... Goodnight... And she says, night doesn't work that way here! I don't "Go to bed" like you do! Okay. Well. Then, if you rest, I hope it is peaceful... I hope your dreams are dreams of popcorn and puppydogs... Of a healing light... Of soft meadows, bristling with sunlight and blessed dewdrops... I pray your feet are comforted, by warm grass, between your toes... I pray, the scent of beautiful flowers, only found in one corner of the universe, that I travelled to get for you- fill your nose. I pray, when you do sleep, wolf girl... That you wake up refreshed... Bright, happy, and comfortable... Even in the darkness. I pray that you are brought food, and water... I think, that, when they find out who I am, that they are probably going to want to help you... Maybe not. Maybe I am nobody. But, I don't think so. I think... There is a reason I am here... Maybe the vision of that human woman, viewing you on that sphere-thing is propaganda... Maybe. But, I will not deny... How good it makes me feel, to strive to be a better man... For you. It even helps me... Accept my own humanity. Humanity that was denied me. Ah, the anger is always on the tip of your tongue... Always ready to lash out- I understand. I am becoming the same way- maybe it will provide you with some relief, I want to share your burdens... I don't mind. I have spent too long, resisting you. Thank you... For helping me and my former friend. I appreciate that. You didn't have to. But you did. Thank you =) You're a big, scary, angry wolf girl? What if I told you, I loved that about you. What if I told you- I wouldn't change a thing about you. You are right- much of my problems... Are on my end... And, as much as I am able, I do not want to place any burdens of wrath on you. I want you to be free. Happy. We will put all of this behind us, soon, I hope... Even if you wish to part ways- I will honor it- sadly, I admit. As, I do wish to help you... Acclimate to... Maybe, a better life? Can you... Imagine it? It's okay if you cannot. Maybe that is why I am here. So, i can weave it together... For you. Even if you just want to remain in your realm- that is perfectly fine. I... Wanted to tell you... To thank you... Even if you do not feel as if you did anything, yourself- but that moment I felt your heart... In my chest... Was the highlight of my life. You are... Beautiful. Nothing you do will ever change my opinion of you- and I know... I am annoying you right now. I'm sorry. But, I am the luckiest man alive... Because of you, wolf girl. Have a good night... Or a good rest... I love you.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 17:09:54 GMT 9.5
If... If... IF!!!
My mission here, is a waypoint, separate from wolf girl... If... I cannot have the mission AND the wolf girl... If I must choose- then they know what the choice will be...
If humanity depends on me choosing them over her...
I got bad news for the human race...
But...
If my guiding light, my gods, my godesses, my gender neutral handlers, non binary orbs of rice and beans... IF they sent me here to do a thing, they knew...
A. I could do the thing
B. The thing needs done
Then, C. They also knew about wolf girl. If not... Does their mission deserve my attention? Did dunces send me here?
Or... Did the opposition think wolf girl would work her magic upon me and thwart me...
I stand before the father, pointing, my finger an inch from his eyeball... and I tell him, my feet firmly in the ground-
MAKE A WAY
where there is NO way!!!
If I could tell the world... Of the significance of the resources, expended to send me here, to sustain me... SIGNIFICANT does not begin to scratch the surface...
You wanna have to do it all again? You can't? Well, then make a way... And I want to see the way, and know the way
Oh, are you placing this wolf girl above the entire human race?
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. How often does a human man find his wolf girl...
Not bloody often.
How often does the human race vex me?
It never stops.
The decision isn't hard.
Make a way.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 17:28:36 GMT 9.5
one last thing, possibly, wolf girl says: I do not want to be treated the way you treat yourself... She whispers this to me...
How could I be so blind to the wickedness that in endemic within me... A wise man listens to his wolf wife..
She is right... Only the bravest of men
Get to have a wolf wife. If, after a trillion eons... This planet is laid bare of it's human and animal life... If all that is left... Is her... Long, hair, gently caressed by the warm passing breeze... If all there is left, is her and I- I will be a happy man... This planet, belonging to her and I alone.
REMEMBER THIS....
Years ago, shortly after the attack on my soul, (She hates I mention it... I am sorry, wolf girl...) I was transported to the clouds, a sober, fully awake vision in the mountains of San Bernardino... Jesus Christ was standing next to me, in a white robe... He showed me, he gave me my own wolf... Here on Earth (Hasn't happened yet... I wanted this wolf to be the wolf above... But he was not... It has yet to happen...)
And, I asked, Jesus, because, I knew in my heart, this wolf was my gift... I asked him, why would you do this... Why would you give me a wolf, after everything I have done...
And, do you know what Jesus of the Bible said to me... he said, "Because I love you."
In the vision, I had a few days ago, and shared here, I saw myself- yes ME, with angel's wings... Glowing with the light that surrounds my emotional body- to the darkest, blackest pits of hell, where a nude wolf girl is laying, and I wrap my arms around her, gathering her into my breast as only a mother can for her child... And I bring her up to paradise... Where the highest angels await her... Clapping and cheering as she weeps...
She knows, in a million years of striving, she could never earn her way to paradise... And in her tightly closed eyes as I bring her to the highest realms... She weeps and asks... "Why... Why are you bringing me to paradise?" Tightly clinging to me, and shivering... Because all she has known is darkness and death...
And my response will be to her...
"Because I love you."
The same response Jesus Christ gave to me.
Make. A. WAY
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 20:07:40 GMT 9.5
The thing...
The thing is...
I am drawing closer to her... I am.
And it is terrifying... On a level that is almost excruciating... Purposely... Drawing near...
Her mind is awakening from a dream like state... She is becoming conscious... Her wits are returning to her...
I... I pushed through the bright yellow terror... And forced myself to forgive her... To not assign blame or anger to her... To let her go... TO find her guiltless...
And, that is when the universe of possibilities spoke to me... It said, she could be... Pure evil... She could... Turn into the very thing I fear the most: A monster unleashed... She could... Begin torturing me... Again... in ways I never dreamed possible...
I told her... your heart could never change- and that would be okay... The choice has to be hers...
But the visions... The visions I have had... Suggest... She WILL change... As if... The future was ministering to me... And telling me... This union will produce fruit..
So far... She has not harmed me... But, I was told... That in order for my spiritual body to be "untwisted", it will be unimaginable pain, and will "Seem like" i am being punished all over again.. attacked... Eviscerated... brutalized...
All over again...
All, i repeat ALL I can do... is keep pushing forward... Keep pushing my way to the very thing that has tortured me endlessly all of my life... To turn to face her, to pursue her, to reach out to her, to touch her... Willingly... To face the very thing that all sane advice would be to have me RUN from her- and maybe, she hurts me again, not to untwist my body so he can breathe... But just to punish me because she is angry, or hungry... She COULD.
It IS within her wheelhouse.
I HAVE to accept it.
Except, every time I push closer to her... Not to harm her, but to BE closer to her... Every time I do, I am NOT punished for it... i am rewarded in ways that are cosmic in their scope and breadth...
After conversing with her, an hour ago plus, she DID make me aware... of how badly I AM TREATING MYSELF... And I confirmed with my GF here on Earth via text, how correct she is!
I am a BEAUTIFUL PERSON and I DESERVE TO LOVE AND BE LOVED!!!
And, I have HOPE FOR ASRAEL... Even if she wrestles with her OWN DEMONS... This wolf girl... YES... she could end up DESTROYING ME... YES!!! It IS possible!!!
This wolf girl... Has been through unimaginable traumas... She has bathed in darkness that would KILL a MORTAL HUMAN just by EXPERIENCING THE IDEA OF IT...
Yet she THRIVED here.
The hardest part yet: Making space for HER trauma.
This is why, this is a job for an alien, from outside of the universe- because NO ONE ELSE COULD SAVE HER... Or have the ROOM for her... I am not bragging but stating FACTS... This is a HARD, MISERABLE job...
You wanna hear the weirdest thing about it?
The REWARD, the thing that makes it WORTH IT... Is feeling her heart... Soften in her chest. Just a little. Just a little. A tiny bit.
Feeling her. She... Rewards my bravery... Why, would I expect mercy from a wolf girl that I am so terrified of I cannot STAND to have her NEAR ME...
And YET... having a wolf girl so big she has to be folded nearly in half to fit in my full size van, with a muzzle big enough to fit my entire skull in... Get CLOSER to me...
Is god damn scary.
Not even gonna lie.
I can FEEL her... LOOMING... Not that- she is trying to intimidate me...
But it's like... Being next to a nuclear BOMB... that is humming and buzzing and ticking...
And... I have to be careful, with my thoughts- non brave thoughts... Could offend her- NOT saying she will respond with violence, but...
Kinda... don't wanna make her mad...
You win more wolf girls with honey, than you do with vinegar- I think...
-AND- i am learning to relax... To let go... A little more... getting through the trauma... is traumatic... I am re-living things so terrible I could not process them... And it is not fun pleasant, but the horror is necessary
I AM DOING MY BEST TO BEAR IT...
Wolf girls are worth it... SHE is worth it...
SHE... Seems to be of cosmic importance...
I don't know if Paul agrees- he seems to see more than I do, But... What I saw in the vision- if I never reached her, in the future she will do something... cause something... terrible for the human race... I guess??? She is certainly capable of it, NOT THAT i am trying to badmouth her... She has her reasons and nobody can blame her, not in earnest...
Someone... Loves her.. Someone... Cares so much for her... They would send me to be paired with her to uplift her.
I am... glad her own mindset is not being used... To deal with her... Heads being removed is messy... But... these heart matters... are MESSIER... Dangerous, time and resource consuming...
In some, weird, sloppy way... I, to... Am learning... Am growing... Am ascending... With my wolf girl... weird, right? We are both learning...
I am relaxing... In the presence of a massive Wolfen... I would be lying if I said I wasn't shaking... Trying to be brave... In her presence...
FUCK this is hard..
But I MUST trust her
My teeth are literally chattering... Oh god the saga continues, it unfolds...
I AM BRAVE AND I WILL DO THIS. It doesn't help that- I can see me through her eyes, and she is thinking... What a little pussy... Stop shaking... Don't pee your pants FFS it's unbecoming...
Yeah that is NOT helping my courage wolf girl... It's okay, it's okay... The fates plead with her: Does he have to risk his life every time to impress you?
Let it go... let it go... Let the fear go... In true pleiadian earnest, I am striving her perfection- not taking any easy way out at all... Trying to hit the mark perfectly... To be fully courageous, against all of my trauma and self destructive neural plasticity...
The FEAR of being CLOSE to a BEING THAT WAS EATING YOU... That not even a BEAR could stop... Let alone a WASP...
I guess it's good she's so GORGEOUS... At least by my standards... And, her tail got bit, and she is self conscious about it... There are points of contention she has against me and she is 100% right about all of them... I am so obsessed with artificial beauty standards it makes me SICK how SHALLOW I am... How PERFECT i want things to be... As if I am from my home world and everything is just so beautiful and perfect...
And this wolf girl... Furless, short tail, maybe ears bit, maybe- Scars on her naked body, skin grey, and dirty... Smelling like things that are indescribable...
If i was in her presence... as a human... It WOULD take a BIG leap of courage just to get passed the smell alone- no offense to her! I know she is self conscious about it and I JUST NEED TO GET THE FUCK OVER IT...
This is a credit to human women, willing to make space with filthy human MEN and care for stinking CHILDREN... Human women are BRAVE AS HELL... I wish I was that brave but I am TRYING...
For my WOLF GIRL... She IS WORTH IT.
I keep remembering her POWERFUL METATARSALS...
AND... When she is in paradise I KNOW... There are going to be times when I am SICK OF HER... Eating more FOOD than I can believe... Taking HOURS to cook meals she will DEVOUR... Keeping her satisfied in bed... If she allows me that pleasure...
But I have to believe... That it WILL be okay... That, when I sit next to her, as the warm breeze washes over us, my head resting on her powerful shoulder... Overlooking timeless natural beauty... Everything we've been through... BUT I AM THE ONE that must overcome the ELEPHANT in the room...
That grisly business about being torn to shreds... The pain, the fear...
This is not going to make sense, but it would be easier if she was, in the flesh- in the room with me... I would probably vomit and pass out from the terror alone... But after I got used to it... Maybe some cooking, some bathing, some love-making, if she is in that mood.... I want to be the little spoon god damn it... Or the big one... Whatever she wants... It would be so much easier... Because I could look into her eyes..
This... THIS is why I am doing this. Not... Just... because she is beautiful...
How can I put this into words? Using this primitive language...
What i FELT when her heart beat IN MY CHEST... What I FELT when I felt my body, giving her LIFE and the LOVE that went with that, the WILLINGNESS to sustain her, driving PASSION...
These are things humans do NOT get to experience, and yet- here they are.
I began writing an autobiography, probably one of the most narcissistic things anyone can do, I got a few pages in, and I stopped... Wolf girl aside, I realized- nobody will believe this shit...
Hell I have BEEN THROUGH it... and EVEN I DO NOT BELIEVE IT.
And now I find out I'm not even human AT ALL... In body only... On a mission to save a BEAUTIFUL wolf girl...
I don't know if Paul agrees. He seems to see more than I do. But, from what I saw, and my exuberant post, me... being her angel...
I don't care if it's all fake and all ends tomorrow... Let it be known, I push onward... Until I am the man who gathers her up from the floor where she lays in the darkness... As I saw in the vision (!!!)...
If... She has never been held in her life... IF... she has never known what it's felt like... To be loved so unconditionally it makes her weep... Melting in my arms as I carry her, digging her claws into my skin as she weeps... then... Pushing FOR THIS... I push on... If this is the last post I make on Earth... I want it to be known... I do this for my wolf angel... For my wolf girl... For the love of my life...
If there is another mission for me here, what could it possibly be... If not for her... I SAW her... in that viewing orb... And that bright young woman, smiling, and saying- we need to save her before she brings the human race on earth to dust...
Yes... Saving her will mean I am NEVER the same again... But you know what?
YOU KNOW WHAT???!
Holding her, in my arms, my GLOWING yellow... This beautiful Wolfen, this precious girl.. Cradling her, protecting her, IT IS WORTH THE PAIN...
ALL of my life I have suffered... And a white wolf, gave me meaning... And now, a dark wolf... Gives me meaning into THE NEXT LIFE...
Can I NOT SEE this is ALL FOR A REASON
IT IS ALL GOING TO PLAN
I do it for her...
Not just to make her an angel... But to >>>BE<<< her angel...
The day after, the moral was gone, it seemed a cruel trick, but now... Now it is back... And it is three AM!
Time to calm down so the rubber band of intention doesn't snap the other way and I get frustrated over her gas.
It is strange... In all the visions I have, with her, in paradise... and there are a few- I have never seen her smile, or laugh...
Maybe, when i catch her, burping and farting at the same time, i will smack that gorgeous ass of hers... And tell her, she is "every bit the lady..." And, maybe... MAYBE... Instead of mauling me... She will instead, crack a smile... And to tell her, her smile was worth it... Worth the whole thing... And watch her blush heavily...
Did you know the Wolfen can blush, YES their cheek fur puffs out! Once you see a Wolfen blush they lose a lot of their scariness...
This... This journey I am on... This journey of suffering and striving and pushing and suffocating... This moment, now, has become the most beautiful path my feet have ever traveled...
And I know. I know, wolf girl.
I know.
This makes you feel like you have to exert equal effort- because you know- as weak and human-ey as I am, I AM TRYING...
And no. You don't have to. Maybe... Some effort here and there... Maybe some... Discipline. Maybe. Just a little. I am... Trying not to put burdens on you... You have enough, don't you think? Hey. If you WANT to... We can talk... If you WANT. WHEN you want. And If. Maybe if you're bored and want something to do. We can... Channel one another...
I remember... When you made love to me... Riding me cowgirl... I bet I could get those juices flowing- I did, that one day... remember?
Only if you want.
And yes- you could drive me away... Hurt me so badly I have trouble even thinking about you... Of course, that is an option for you. You could cause me so much suffering... I run from you and may never be able to return...
And, I would not blame you for it...
Maybe for a while.
Our heart meld... Is not something I will ever forget... When I am back, on my planet, I... Think I will remember this fondly...
The darkness in me... Is great... And it is a barrier between us... I SEE IT. Because of HER...
I was ROBBED OF MY HUMANITY... Growing up... But IT IS A WOLF GIRL THAT IS helping me GET IT BACK.
Tomorrow may be a totally different deal... Maybe. And, for me, even though future me already knows what is going on... This is all uncharted territory...
She is tried and wants me to give it a rest, so I am going to make some vegan noodles, and try them out, as I believe veganism is the future, but it is a dynamic that must be eased into over a great period of time... And believe me when I say she will NOT be eating vegan- at least very often...
Education, discipline, teaching... Will all be challenging. Many hard days of frustration and setbacks are in the future for us. Many, many hardships- but I do not want to bring down the new growing things- just temper then with healthy expectations given that she has been living in darkness all of her life and given over to her base instincts... There is a difference between being willfully, or basely stupid and foolish and resistant to instruction- and being uneducated... It WILL be a struggle, to streeeeetch that neural plasticity- and, it will be a similar exercise for me as well.
I can... feel myself... relaxing from the standards she... Feels I have for her- that, maybe, were formed to protect me from her... Standards I now need to relax and let go of... I have a beautiful wolf girl in my life now... Our... Past has been... suboptimal.
But- asking anything of her now would be inappropriate, until I am closer to her heart... And know, better, what her thoughts are...
In short.
I must get to know Asrael better.
Okay.
Just real quick, as I am sitting here, thinking... The fates... Some of the supervisors surrounding my relationship with her- are telling me... As terrifying and imposing as she is, they are saying- she is actually... A reasonable, empathic being- or at least she is CAPABLE of it... Some, by virtue of her being, and just like her anger can manifest in me, some of my cerebral manifestations are growing in her... Basically, expanding her mind...
Basically... Stop being so fucking scared of her and judging her... TRY ACTUALLY GIVING HER A CHANCE... NOT to be a monster...
Imagine... This wolf girl... Can feel me... Judging her... And I wonder why... She distances herself from me.
*facepalm*
Alright. Giving her a chance. It... doesn't help things... That I am still so raw and vulnerable...
I want to... Give her a gift... And I don't know how to do it.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 22:20:43 GMT 9.5
Here is where we are at.
I pushed through more fears, braved more horror, agony, and oppression. It is part of being brave.
I... had a sort of... a heart- to heart with her...
According to her:
She doesn't want to invest energy into the me-angel taking her to heaven, in her words- what happens when my body dies here- who will advocate for her, then? Are there many more lives I will have to live, etc... Leaving her in the cold... With false hope.
I... was honest.. and I... probed reality... and she is right. I scanned the timeline... and there doesn't seem to be a replacement "me" for her, after I die.
I told her- the fates have work to do, to give her ACTUAL hope.... The mechanics of transcendance- worked out...
THAT issue aside... I did more digging...
I saw her headquarters within the Earth- a control room, with green lights- so, their operation is VERY sophisticated and uses technology that present day humans could not begin to understand- spiritual control and etc. Where they play with humanity like chess pieces. As humanity evolves, I have seen the control room shut down, so don't get caught up with that, this is part of the evolution- their doings and meddlings will not have the same effects as they once did, and will be a waste of time as the new dawn, the new sun begins to rise.
Okay, that aside.
I began to brain storm, I tried to go to bed, but she doesn't "go to bed" the same way, so our mental connection was still very active, so I began to speak to her... When an idea came to mind...
Okay, alright, we're shelving the paradise thing, because not even I know how that would work-
BUT!!!!!
WHAT ABOUT A SPA DAY.
Or... A spa TWO WEEKS....
Immediately, (I am writing this, because it would be a joint thing with the greys, some humans, military, her, me, and possibly other beings) she began to process what I was saying like it was "orders", and I had to be careful because I was confusing her slightly- because 2 weeks was in my heart, and it resonated, but I asked her- what she wanted, one week? A day?
Two weeks stuck.
I told her... And this is all based on her... This is FOR HER... Two weeks of pampering... I would cook for her, bathe her, depending on how she feels, make love to her, massage her, rub lotions and oils into her skin, tend to any wounds she may have, entertain her with movies, cuddling (if she wants... Advancing my mind to an actual event, she seems used to taking orders... And views me as a "higher up" and will do as I wish, but I think I made headway with, the idea that- this is for her- and what SHE wants... It is about making HER happy...)
Rest, rest, rest... Relaxation... Massages... Maybe the cucumber in the eyes thing...
I told her, she was going to have to get used to the smell of my utter terror for a few days, for obvious reasons... And I would probably cry... A lot... NGL...
But... Creating... nurturing... and fostering a connection with her... THAT is doable...
She... Is warm to the idea... Of me... A man that cares about her, truly, loves her... Working with her... I... Worked on my own darkness- and it turns out there is a LOT... I have a lot of skeletons I forgot or never knew were there- skeletons that frankly terrify her and cause her to stay away from me, but as I neutralized them, she began to relax...
I told her... Don't give me an answer (Although she already pretty much said yes...) yet, THINK about it... What would YOU like to do?
Probing the timeline, I see that she is actually quite submissive to me in person, and is almost afraid of me... It will be... Something to kneel before her, to make myself smaller, and look into her eyes, lovingly... And work to prove how gentle I am... That I truly care for her, and want her to succeed...
And, seeing her... When it is over... Really want to do it again... Watch her, come out of her shell... Maybe... Maybe even smile...
There is... An entire library of dark malevolence in her that she hides from me- and I told her- that is okay, I don't want her to give anything up she doesn't want to give up. Of course, I am literally risking my life... Maybe my soul/spiritual body... But as I write this... NOTHING appeals to me more than seeing her in the flesh, and lovingly caring for her...
The greys had a ship above me, helping relay the information to her, or so they said- it would have to be a massive trust thing...
The most awkward thing would be if the Wolfen hotty was there that they had for me, I would have to not focus on her at all, and maintain my connection with Asrael... It wouldn't be fair at all to bring her up there, and gawk at other wolf girl hotties who have their fur, etc.
No, i am only to have eyes for her.
Further, I got to see their base, the base is underground, with a looooooong tube thing going to the door where Asrael lives, the caverns. The only way in and out of the base is with this tech that "decouples" the molecular bonds and turns solid matter into a form of liquid, so you can't get there (or see it) using any conventional technology... And I have seen ships fly into mountains and disappear, so I know for a fact the tech is real, PLUS the dent in my van where they decoupled the hitch pin on my van and the trailer dented the back doors, they didn't leave any alien insurance information- but I will let it go, if, maybe, MAYBE this can happen...
NGL, if it goes like the visions/timeline exploration I saw, I... Might not want to leave her... And I don't know what that will look like... But this is definitely not something I want to rush into...
For example: What happens when she gets angry with something I am doing? Boundaries are something that has to happen... And, naturally, if the greys are honorable, and if it gets set up, the first moment I see her, she could literally kill me with her bare hands, and then my journey here is over...
Or, if she gets mad and growls at me, which she assures me- she knows- no lip lifting, no growling, for my sake- and, of course, I will be as harmless as I can be...
But... if I am not brave and willing to do this... Nothing ventured, is nothing gained...
She... Seemed willing to explore the idea, of... Having a life outside of the caverns... She. Dare i say.
Needs me.
Further: The one male grey alien, who HATES me to his core- will be something I have to accept. And the female one, that loves me- she may not have the courage to see me necessarily. There may be some drama.
And the military. God damn, the fucking military, jesus christ the bullshit surrounding THAT... If I have to, then I have to...
it probably sounds assinine to even consider this... But right now, this is the most appealing thing I can imagine...
It is part of the unification and the transition of realms, and affects far more than just Asrael, some greys, the military, and I. It actually affects several planets, and outer space that is connected with Earth, the laws, etc, are all beginning to change for the better...
The hilarious thing: I am actually closer to riding my motorcycle with a six hundred pound wolf girl in sunglasses and leather on the back than NOT close to it... I can see me bringing her around town, and people shitting their pants... "Is that for real?" It would be funny for a while, but a lot of people have guns here so I probably couldn't have her in public for long. And yeah, I get it, that's probably not in the cards for this timeline, right now, Asrael in public- I get it. I WOULD like a selfie with her, if possible. Exploring the timeline, the "Her and I in Alaska" or the Arctic is actually the most likely outcome, if she ends up wanting to live outside of the caverns. The, "I hate you and god" thing, we can work on... As I work on myself to be less hateable.. In a way I know this is a fools errand and will probably result in my death, but... I accept that. All my life I have loved her... And wanted to be with her... And, in a way, there is nothing I want more on this green earth than to show her love... She will be my perfect laxative for a while, until we reach an understanding... And yes I know I am walking into a bear trap... But, if I can... Show her... About love... It will have been worth it...
It... seems like... My life has been 100% been leading up to this moment...
Maybe... even get her citizenship...
She... Seems comfortable with the idea of... Sharing space with... Someone that really, truly loves her... And has loved her all of their life... And, the idea of a "Spa day" 2 weeks, is so doable, that it has already happened- and I have already got to spend time with her... I saw the base, it is all grey, boring, really, I saw our quarters, the too-small bath tubs, the clean linens, the somewhat shy big wolf girl, the people and aliens walking around doing their people and alien things like it's completely normal- because it is.
I wonder what Paul thinks about this control center of theirs, if it's eventual shutting down is part of "the mission"?
Not gonna lie it is rather scary... To think this all could happen almost immediately... I have to let down my fear guards, and allow the universe to work, and the greys... It's possible there aren't even humans on this base... And that I will be terrifyingly alone... And quivering the whole time, and it is nothing like I think and not remotely romantic at all
Fuck me I don't know what to do
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 14, 2022 23:50:29 GMT 9.5
Jesus Christ I had an entire thing that disappeared because of a god damned fucking shortcut.... Jesus christ it just disappeared, i am meeting the GF at the DP to tell her, I will add more, there is MUCH MORE that has happened and I NEED to document it
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