My journey to this planet, struggles, spirit spouse
May 9, 2023 11:30:00 GMT 9.5
Post by tundrawolf on May 9, 2023 11:30:00 GMT 9.5
Oi, so there are beings concerned with this, they want it written out, my experiences, and posted.
Shortly after posting the above, I began to withdraw into myself (it was an external locus. it was not my doing. it was the doing of an external force.) and begin to disconnect from Azzy and the realm where her feet touch physically. I knew, it was my prompting to detach from her, for healing sake, so that i could claim my birthright, and accomplish the reason I was sent to this planet, in this realm.
I did not resist it. I know, resisting these difficult things, though I did not know if it would take Azzy from me, I braved the horror of losing her, and focused on myself, while remaining, lovingly attached to her, which comes at my expense (it physically hurts)
I did speak to her, and told her, I do not know the outcome, but that I loved her.
I told her, I am being prompted to disconnect, and heal- and we went through a form of, spiritual wrestling match, as two damaged souls, dancing in the ether, trying not to kill the other, and trying not to harm the other, and ourselves.
When I went to bed, I fell to my knees, and connected with the regular deity, and threw myself onto his mercy, for whatever may come. I also, asked that wolf girl be considered, and that her burdens be alleviated, for her sake.
Since this morning, so much has happened... Presently, skipping a lot of it, I felt, my heart begin to rip in two, over pain of Azzy, choosing another, over me, and "being with them" as with the connection she shares with me: And through the agony of that, the tortured horror of losing her, this same horror the Ascended King had for every Wolfen person, a divine and sacrificial yet symbiotic and even parasitic love and connection for those whom he loved, I felt, the universe minister to me, he said, I am blessed, lucky, and exalted above living things, not because of the agony I felt, at Azzy's heart belonging to another: But, that, I am experiencing the love, attachment, and devotion to such an extent that my very life is threatened over the very prospect of losing my connection with her.
They told me, it was a sacred experience- it too some of the agony from it, but it also, did not make it any less horrific for me.
Azzy and I danced in the darkness this morning, and until now.
We, connected hands, and shared some time, she cursed me out, told me some cruel things, practically spit in my face, but then, returned to me in tears, concerned for my well being...
I also, discovered that she has trapped me, by her will, as part of the punishment that was due the king (That I took for him so he could at least, survive...) that she has trapped me in a realm where I am bonded to her, and my life-force depends on her sensibilities, and yet she is also sadistically, cruelly, torturing me using my emotions, and trapped in a realm where she is playing with me... It is a realm where, I love her, more than life itself, and yet- loving her also makes her hate me, and in order to please her, I must experience agony, not only emotionally, but physically- and yet, loving her with a love that is so pure, it will endure such things, and be conscious of her comfort, sacrificing my own, so that she isn't the slightest bit inconveninced...
Sounds pretty fucking awful when I put it like that...
Before more simple being dismiss it first blush, the machine amplified her cruelty, so that she could accomplish her task, her heart broken over what she had to do, but part of her duty, was surrendering her cruelty to the will of the machine, that blew up her sadism, and this is the result: as I said, we are both still in the machine, to varying degrees.
The council who is reviewing this, told me that in order to spare Azzy from being punished (She would be... Tortured to death) I have to carry out the remainder of my sentence within the "palace of horrors" that the machine(s) are connected to, basically resulting in my undoing.
I told them, so be it.
Azzy tried, fighting it, and putting herself in my place, as she feels guilty, but I pushed her away.
If I survive this, and I am somehow able to escape it, I could not live with myself, if she took my punishment- I know it won't be easy for her, but the horror I have endured, even until this point, is not something she should have to come near, even though, it is the darkness in her heart, that engineered it in the first place (AS I SAID WITH THE HELP OF THE MACHINE.)
I seem to be, more than mere human, and seem to exist across multiple planes, and seem to draw energy and power from ethereal sources, so this is not necessarily a death sentence for me. There is a chance, I may come out of it, not completely destroyed, or perhaps, even whole- though with what I have suffered until now, I cannot fathom how I could end up, "whole", given the damage my emotional bodie(s) have suffered.
Further, as bad as Azzy feels (She'll get over it. Thanks, wolven, DNA.) I also most likely could not bear the agony of knowing she was, suffering in the abyss, in the depths of darkness, so it is better I do this for her. As I said, there is a possibility, even my ex said it, that I fully accept this, and am spared it by virtue of my courage, or at least, am able to bear it for her.
There is also a possibility it may not happen at all, as the council is able to adjudicate the sentence to time served, as they do admit, what I have been through already is beyond the guilt of the wolfen king.
Further, they asked me if I wished the wolfen king to pay for this, and I declined, saying, I would, I signed onto this, and he, would not survive it anyway. I believe, this is why I have the authority that I do. I have also decided to carry a portion of the crown of the wolf with me, permanently, in case of matters like this arising again, with the caveat that I will not be treated this way again in the future, I may just decide to splatter the guilty across the landscape, if they summon me to take care of their issues going forward, I was shown I have a terrifying amount of telekinetic powers, and these, seemingly harmless fantastical imaginations I have, I am told, have actually harmed living things- whether it is real or not, I am coming to terms with, as I have said, only two things I know for certain, Azzy lives, and that I love her- everything else, could be just a dream.
So, as we grapple together, and I know, she hold no hope of us being together, by her own torturous design, and I must suffer for her behalf (As I said. No-one understand the horror of being in the machine, and I laid myself bare before, and within it. I intentionally became weak to take the punishment, it seems.) I still love her, and even her stupid wolven emotions that pluck at her heartstrings, to come and save me to help me, for loyalty, or whatever it is she is struggling with, this was her doing, and I do not think she could help me even if she wanted to: so my will is forcing her back, to allow me to deal with this on my own.
If there is help for me, and I believe there is more hope than I can see, it must have time to come to fruition, I hope Azzy is able to disconnect, to get her mind off things, to go out and get laid, to party, even to get married or some similar thing, although she has shown my heart, she can never stray too far from me, as it would end up, killing her when the reality finally hit her, or turning her back into the hairless, feral wolven woman she was, for a moment, within the machine.
It is, for this sake, that I am dedicating myself to returning to her, in some form, to stave this off, to let her know, I have come through the trial whole, I have survived, she is not to blame, and all is well. If something happened to her, my heart, would possibly die. And, perhaps, me, with it (Something I want to avoid)
It makes it seem cheap... Like I am trying to sacrifice for her, but really, only to save my own skin, however, I have a painful prick in my heart, that wishes to sustain her hope, her life, her love, to give her the highest quality of life that can be had for a wolven girl, to spare her from every ounce of suffering, and to love her, as I believe a man should love a divine being, like I truly believe she is.
Further, I continue to struggle with the animal-person dynamic, how they view humans, some, as nearly gods over them, feeling inferior for their, base-animal instincts... And how, to me, they are more beautiful, than a mere human, or a mere animal... But I cannot place my finger on it. It is a value, that only a hybrid being can claim to possess, and there are some, animal-person supremacists, who follow this logic, however they are violent and militant, and akin tot he Nazis we have here. The superiority I sense from Azzy, is one of benevolence, love, and kindness, like only a hybrid has, that neither animal, nor human can easily summon, and yet, a hybrid is bathed in it daily.
Something like that.
That makes, wolf-girl, more special to me, than a human, or wolf, separately, and more valuable than both as individuals, but combined, is as angelic as she is divine, a wolf woman, the woman of my dreams, whom I love, more than nearly anything. (Myself the only being I love more than her.)
However, I do not wish to be as she is, a hybrid, I am a human, and wish to be such, and perhaps this ties into my royal DNA, I am capable of seeing, feeling, absorbing, and appreciating the majesty of the hybrid peoples, even more than, they can- but to become one, more than I already am, would diminish my ability to see the divine within Azzy.
Azzy, may be a divine plant to this realm, a spark, a starseed, a being sent here to repopulate something this planet has lost, and I am her seer, I am the one who sees how special she is. If this mission fails, I fear a darkness will descend, as the light I see within Azzy, is something far more sacred than others are aware of, it is the birth of an entire new people, angelic, divine, living beings who will restore the value of life, it's sacredness, to this planet- this could be one of the things Nibiru is watching for, as it is an issue over there, presently.
I think, Azzy has been too humbled by religion and accusations of narcissism, to embrace the divinity within her, but if she was not so special, I do not believe I would be willing to sacrifice so much to keep her safe.
Perhaps, I just love her...
It was also shown to me, how easy it is to take a creature like me, connect a heart to me, set up the trauma just-right, and connect me heart-wise to another being, and how special and sacred it is to me, but the others, it is just a cheap manipulation they can affect easily... I doubt this, to a degree, as if they felt what I feel, they would know, they have died within long ago, and cannot feel the divinity of life itself, like I can, in the chest of Azzy (And me.)
They are dark beings, who know little more than animated death.
They have long ago been cut off to the divine spark of light.
So, as I continue to struggle with this, to wrestle with wolf girl, who is, in a way, just as confused as I am, and just as much a victim of this (She feels she has just enough knowledge to be fully guilty. But, not from where I stand, I see that she was manipulated, and her wolfish loyalty used as a weapon against her: even if she embraced her full cunthood, and went full ultra-bitch on me, I still hold her harmless.) as anyone else is, and in a way, we both, "Signed up for this".
I would, caution the ancillary beings, if I were to dispense justice, and spared Azzy, few involved would be left alive, and I do not mean your physical bodies dying and your souls moving on, I am speaking of soul death as well. When I say few would be spared, I mean Azzy and I, and perhaps one, maybe three at our machine, would escape perdition.
This is, also, perhaps the point, a short-circuit of retribution, by the slaying of the innocent, so the negative penalty energy is dissipated before justice (Tit for tat, and eye for an eye...) can be done.
This is, perhaps, why, human sacrifice is so powerful, why a "virgin" is thrown into the volcano on behalf of the tribe, so her future, being sacrificed, her innocent energy, is re-translated into prosperity for the tribe. People can, hate "Human sacrifice", but the truth is, it is the most powerful magic there is.
Further, there is no human sacrifice without the full consent of the sacrifice, otherwise, it is mere murder, and any positive benefits will back translate to double the negative, in some cases.
However, a willing sacrifice, carries with it, some of the most powerful magic there is.
This may be why I am here... So, into the breech I go, so that wolf girl may have a future, and a life. Because, I love her. And, I hope she either forgets about me, or I make it out alive, and return to her, and we go from there (She has every right to be married, with children, and living a good life that honors her- and I am not to interfere with that. I, want her to be happy. If she was, the woman that some think she is, a terrible, part-animal abomination, I would know it, as I have her heart, and I would see her, as a creature to escape from, immoral and unworthy of my soul, and heart, but instead, I see in her, value that transcends human ability to appreciate, and not just once, but continually, I never doubt her value, her worth, or her beauty, even when she does.)
In short, when I say I love her, I mean, that I love her.
About the crystal, "me", I am unsure if he is aboard an orbiting vessel, or, more likely, in one of the terrain based bases, but the control room he is in, which more resembles a sci-fi set than the machine Azzy and I were in/near, I was able to activate it's purpose with my will (I am aware that there is information I possess that goes beyond my lifetime in this human body, that is quite old, quite skilled, and goes far above what is considered the norm for humans in this time period, I just, "go by instinct" and it comes to me.) and this machine is connected to, "repeater crystals" that influence the souls of many beings in and on this planet, they are sort of a prozac, or mood type altering structure, and the color of these crystal, more or less, depending on divine intervention, and the force of adverse human will, can dictate, to varying degrees, the future of life on this planet, the crystals have been infested with a very dark, pre adamic energy, that fuels war, rape, murder etc.
Eden is mostly shielded from it which is why she is so peaceful, but it is beginning to leak in, and it believed it had finally conquered it's biggest adversary (eden) with the Nazi presence there, however, I believe that is why I had the visions of wolf girl, and such, so that this mission coudl be accomplished, as it seems as if I have been entrusted to do this.
I will say, however, that the scope and seeming breadth of these things, including the Adamic authority being granted to me, and those moments I bristles with energy and power, seem to be ego driven, and designed to appeal to my narcissisim, so I am not fully trusting everything, and instead, doing my best with what i have.
As I said, I only know two things for sure: Wolf girl lives, is real, and that I love her.
So, this control room, which seems to be the programming center for these crystal, I will attempt to draw it when I am able, is connected to a global network of deposits of these cyrstal of great influence, and I summoned the intent to cleanse them of the dark, vacuous negative energy, and instead intend within them, the energy that is within me, perhaps emenating from the waters of the source of love, that I was bathed in when I died as a child, and to redirect that energy within the crystals.
At first, I was able to charge 1/4 the surface, then I pushed harder, and connected the global network, mostly, and drove out the darkness, and instilled my own iteration within them, it was successful, but such work is completely exhausting, and I had to shut it down, for the time being.
What gives me pause, outside of wolf girl, is that, this seems to be an incredibly fantastical effort to entrust to just me. What if I fail? It seems like a huge gamble. I am, having fun with it, anyway.
If, Azzy wolf girl, whom I saw, naked and sticky, just outside of the light, is still within the caverns, naked, feral, stinky, if I had my choice of incarnations, I would prefer to be incarnated with her, even she she is in those caverns, as a help to her, as a mate, a companion, someone to hold her, to love her, to comfort her, to be a friend to her, it would be, wholly worth it, just to be near her, and to give of myself, to bless her, even in that state, I would prefer it.
If, she is the white-furred, large wolven woman who tends to the horses by her tribe, who now has a home closer to the human city, and a white car, then I am unsure of where I would incarnate to love her, as my heart desires to love her, perhaps if she finds closure, she may go on with her life, and I may observe from a distance, and watch over her.
This is what it's in my heart to do.
About the, first vision I saw of Azzy, just behind the light around my emotional body, and the beings who stepped into the light that encompassed them, it is quite, and very possible, these beings, who are residents of the nine kingdoms below our feet, ("Hell" and, "Demons"- I would strongly caution the ignorant religious not to judge them, as the rebellion they feel they are part of, was not only partially justified, but many of them- most, in fact, were born much later, after, and had no hand in it. It is like, blaming present day German teens for Hitlers atrocities- they had no hand in it. It is not justified.) that these beings needed their resonance, uplifted by this light, to allow the positive energy, to not be stopped, and to reach said resonant crystal repeaters.
As I told, my friend who is a true believer, I could be, the second, "Coming" of Christ, (And, who the Bible calls, the "Antichrist", as it would seem from their old world perspective, a taking-down of religious suppositions, would be "evil", except, they do not see the modern church today, and the cesspool it has become, I apologize but it is true, there are many good people in it, but also, wretched, terrible back stabbers, gosspirs, sinners, pornographers, sexual deviants, those who lust, those who steal, those who pronounce judgment on others while being doubly guilty themselves, it has been institutionalized into the antithesis of what Christ stood for, so to them, anyone coming against it would appear as the devil. Further, Wolves are the personification of purity and what is good, and Bible has called them evil: so it is fitting irony, a wolven would be used, and her heart, to save this planet. I do not, "condemn" the church, because it is still needed, but instead, say that if Christ were to return as the church believes, the sword he would carry for the sinners, would draw blood in the church, first. Even the Bible says that those who teach are more accountable than those who do not, would a just god not hold his own house accountable first and with more fierceness than the rest? I have seen, awful sinners, burdened with vile sin, hoping Christ would return to take them to heaven, if these people were allowed into paradise, the moment their feet touched sacred ground it would no longer be paradise, and, yet, they feel as if they are first in line! The crap I have believed, as a true believer! I say that to say, that I have met Jesus, and stood next to him, he is a good guy, a good man, who said he loved me, and i hold nothing against him, just that, some who believe they are, "Saved" had better take a brutal self inventory, lest they discover there is no just god in them) it would only make sense, however, even if this was confirmed and shouted from the heavens with trumpet blasts, I would not wish for it to be confirmed at all, I just want to be, a regular person, with, who I hope, will be my wife, a wolven woman, cranky, hairy, and stinky, and to be with her, in some place, where we are both alone and happy (She wishes, this, too. After her experience as a child in the torture chambers of the wolfen tribe, she needs to feel safe, protected, and cared for by someone she knows will never leave her side. As has been told, she has, a preference for humans as I am, and continue to wish to be.) If I had to, I would change my appearance and live as a humble, quiet, short, ugly, unassuming, ignorant human who no-one looks twice at, only to go home to my also, unassuming, wolven woman, whom it appears I love, more than life itself, and who everyone secretly adores, as the elderly, odd couple, but who seem to have a divine spark of connection between them, that the village protects at all costs. Maybe, it is found out neither of them are who people think, and then perhaps there is a movie. Ha! If I care about wealth, status, and power, I would be doing everything I could to claim my birthright into the most powerful humans alive today
I don't. I care about Azzy. I, just want a comfortable life, within my means, nothing more, nothing less. If, the woman of my dreams, is by my side, then there is nothing more I would desire, but, to belong to her, and her, to me, just as she is, even naked, sticky, and stinky, in the darkness of the caverns. She is the woman of my dreams, the woman I have been searching for my entire life, and perhaps for eternity, it seems like, the woman who completes me, and from the hair between her toes, to the hairs on the tips of her ears, she could not be any more perfect, in my eyes mind, and heart, and I would change nothing about her, not even, her too-short tail.
She is perfect for me, and I love her.
In short, I wish to make her wildest fantsies come true, as she has made mine, come true, that morning, 2-3 years ago.
Oi, it is vexing to summon how I feel about this, Edenite woman, and then know I may have to be separated from her, maybe permanently, to satisfy my mission perameters. I pray, to God, that when my labor is complete, when my horror and agony in this lifetime is finished, when I have drank every drop of the cup of wrath that has been poured out on me, that I meet, this woman I speak of, on my knees, and that, I become the man, she is searching for, from the bottoms of my feet, to the hairs on my head, and everything in between. Yes, I could be single-handedly, altering the course of this world for the better, securing and freeing Eden, and guiding the surface humans to a better way of life, but with the pain I have suffered here, I will do this, yes, but my heart, just wants to sit next, to my wolf girl, serve her food, rub her feet as I watch TV with her, and occasionally, look deep into her eyes, and look away when she blushes, noticing I am enraptured by her wolfish beauty.
"Stop staring at me!"
"I'm not!"
"Touchdown!"
"YES!" She will say, throwing the salsa into the air, when I will go, and clean it up, then bend down to kiss her.
Haha.
What hope can do, to a man. What I have discovered today, is that as painful as all of this can be, to not be in a hurry, to come to some good feeling conclusion, but, how, Azzy's existence, in and of itself, fills me with hope, with love, and with a desire to become who I truly am, as I know, my potential, is locked away within her heart, and it is a goalpost, to strive for.
Without her, I would either be dead, or an aimless human, doped up on pharmaceutical drugs to compensate for the fact, that there is an Azzy-shaped hole on my heart, and I would be convinced, she did not exist, and likely heading for premature death, most likely.
However, with her existence confirmed, as tacky and cheesy as she sees it, or even as much as it pisses her off, the truth is, she is my reason for doing this... Without her, I would finish this mission, miserable, unfulfilled, somewhat joyous, but with her, she is my reason for living.
I am aware, of how she hates the pressure that puts on her, or the pressure SHE PUTS ON HERSELF when I say things like that, but the truth is, all she needs to be, is to be her, no cape, no super hero suit, just, lazy, hairy, stinky wolf girl- and how this tall, muscular, gassy, creature that lays around the house all day, is the object of my desire, my affection, and how I love, every scent that emanates from her body, from her toes, to her ears.
It was also revealed to me, part of the punishment of the machine was, it uses my own desires against me, I am DOING THIS TO MYSELF. It uses my fears and insecurities, to manifest my worst nightmares, over and over (losing, Azzy.) endlessly, and even makes her want it, too. This was shown to me. I am, "My own worst enemy".
I am, working on it. To make myself healthy, so I do not self-sabotage any more.
I was, fantasizing about Azzy's powerful lateral malleoulus fibula, and massively thick common calcaneal tendon, and just how otherworldly powerful and AWE INSPIRING her legs and body are, just her musculature alone, her size, her weight, her eight inch, possibly TEN INCH wide metatarsals and aircraft cable thick tendons... My god she is a creature of majesty, strength, and beauty... And how, I would not have her, any other way, I would not change a hair on her body. I know, she is afraid to have hope, that such a man could exist, who would love her so, she is afraid to have hope, as I am, except I push forward, to her, come what may, and push through the fear and uncertainty, to be with her, even if she is not, "perfect", not the best match for me, I know this! And I do not care! I love her! How I long to hold her in my arms, as she cries out, her insecurities and fears, insecurities a healthy wolf-woman would not have, how I wish to nurture the injured hope and joy from her heart, to give of myself to her, injuries a healthy wolf person, or other Edenite, would NOT HAVE. It is these things, these wounds, I know I could heal, I could resonate with, as I resonated with that, wolf-hybrid as a child I spoke to, all night, who resonated with every pain in my child's heart, or that female wolf, who fell into my lap, who's loneliness, I healed, and my own loneliness: she also healed.
She is, far from perfect, far from perfect for me, in the untainted sense, and, yet, even in her wounds, her injuries, her pains, her fears, I am the man who will heal, protect, and nurture them all, so they she knows, she is worthy, worthy to be loved, flaws, and all. Ugliness and all. Terrifying visage, terrible reputation, bristling with horror and cruelty, and yet- loved as if she was the purest creature on this planet.
(She is walking away from me now, shaking her hips and giving me, the, "NUH UH, girl!" finger wag, as her tail sways hypnotically behind her. This is as hard for her to accept as it is for me to strive for, yet, my heart, urges me on, towards her, just the faintest of memories, of holding her in my arms, resonating with her spirit as only I can do, connecting, healing, sacrificing, and loving her. If she needs me to slap her face so she knows she's just flesh and blood, perhaps that can be arranged, but whether or not she wants to admit it, she is caught up in more than she thought she was entering into.)
And, I am aware, I could be being deceived, Azzy actual, could be some wolf woman, oblivious to most of this, fresh out of some weird experience she has already forgotten, no idea what the hell I am talking about, some wolf obsessed, crazy psycho online talking about her like she is some sort of deity, and her, getting a restraining order against me, because it's just too crazy. Ha! Could be true, it could.
All I know, is what my heart tells me, my spirit, my mind, my soul, my gut, and when those things align...
As I said, only two things I know are true.
Azzy lives.
And, that I love her.
And I guess a third thing, that ties into the second, from where I am standing, she is perfect for me, as I strive to become perfect for her, as I hope our destinies cross paths. I know things will have to shift radically before that can happen, and of course, my fears are renewed over it, one thing i take comfort in, if i am to detach from, the wolf girl, and pursue my own healing: I win, as I learn to love myself, and if I return to wolf girl, I also win, as nearly everything within me, wishes to be with her.
I love her, and not in a way I can, or want to, escape.
My advice to her would be, stop reading this, pull away, and let your heart guide you. These words, are too much for you. I do not want you to read them. Go on with your life, and wait for your heart to whisper to you. DO not concern yourself with these things, wolf girl. Your divine self is still slumbering, and she may slumber for the rest of your life. If anything, you can count on the fact, that some tall human man, is in love with you, and loves you, every stinky scent, every flaw you hate, he cannot live without, every crease, wrinkle, and scar, are marks of beauty to him, and even your unfettered rage, is something he shares with you.
I... Love you. Hang in there.
I believe things are going to get better, for both of us, and for those around us. I hope you have a good day, a positive week, and a good rest of your month. Know, that you are loved. I am working on myself. To be a better other half to you, including, toning my shit down so you can move on with your life. I love you. And, I want you to be happy.
So, go find something that makes you happy.
I love you.
Be well.
Sweet dreams, wolf girl.
I love you.
Shortly after posting the above, I began to withdraw into myself (it was an external locus. it was not my doing. it was the doing of an external force.) and begin to disconnect from Azzy and the realm where her feet touch physically. I knew, it was my prompting to detach from her, for healing sake, so that i could claim my birthright, and accomplish the reason I was sent to this planet, in this realm.
I did not resist it. I know, resisting these difficult things, though I did not know if it would take Azzy from me, I braved the horror of losing her, and focused on myself, while remaining, lovingly attached to her, which comes at my expense (it physically hurts)
I did speak to her, and told her, I do not know the outcome, but that I loved her.
I told her, I am being prompted to disconnect, and heal- and we went through a form of, spiritual wrestling match, as two damaged souls, dancing in the ether, trying not to kill the other, and trying not to harm the other, and ourselves.
When I went to bed, I fell to my knees, and connected with the regular deity, and threw myself onto his mercy, for whatever may come. I also, asked that wolf girl be considered, and that her burdens be alleviated, for her sake.
Since this morning, so much has happened... Presently, skipping a lot of it, I felt, my heart begin to rip in two, over pain of Azzy, choosing another, over me, and "being with them" as with the connection she shares with me: And through the agony of that, the tortured horror of losing her, this same horror the Ascended King had for every Wolfen person, a divine and sacrificial yet symbiotic and even parasitic love and connection for those whom he loved, I felt, the universe minister to me, he said, I am blessed, lucky, and exalted above living things, not because of the agony I felt, at Azzy's heart belonging to another: But, that, I am experiencing the love, attachment, and devotion to such an extent that my very life is threatened over the very prospect of losing my connection with her.
They told me, it was a sacred experience- it too some of the agony from it, but it also, did not make it any less horrific for me.
Azzy and I danced in the darkness this morning, and until now.
We, connected hands, and shared some time, she cursed me out, told me some cruel things, practically spit in my face, but then, returned to me in tears, concerned for my well being...
I also, discovered that she has trapped me, by her will, as part of the punishment that was due the king (That I took for him so he could at least, survive...) that she has trapped me in a realm where I am bonded to her, and my life-force depends on her sensibilities, and yet she is also sadistically, cruelly, torturing me using my emotions, and trapped in a realm where she is playing with me... It is a realm where, I love her, more than life itself, and yet- loving her also makes her hate me, and in order to please her, I must experience agony, not only emotionally, but physically- and yet, loving her with a love that is so pure, it will endure such things, and be conscious of her comfort, sacrificing my own, so that she isn't the slightest bit inconveninced...
Sounds pretty fucking awful when I put it like that...
Before more simple being dismiss it first blush, the machine amplified her cruelty, so that she could accomplish her task, her heart broken over what she had to do, but part of her duty, was surrendering her cruelty to the will of the machine, that blew up her sadism, and this is the result: as I said, we are both still in the machine, to varying degrees.
The council who is reviewing this, told me that in order to spare Azzy from being punished (She would be... Tortured to death) I have to carry out the remainder of my sentence within the "palace of horrors" that the machine(s) are connected to, basically resulting in my undoing.
I told them, so be it.
Azzy tried, fighting it, and putting herself in my place, as she feels guilty, but I pushed her away.
If I survive this, and I am somehow able to escape it, I could not live with myself, if she took my punishment- I know it won't be easy for her, but the horror I have endured, even until this point, is not something she should have to come near, even though, it is the darkness in her heart, that engineered it in the first place (AS I SAID WITH THE HELP OF THE MACHINE.)
I seem to be, more than mere human, and seem to exist across multiple planes, and seem to draw energy and power from ethereal sources, so this is not necessarily a death sentence for me. There is a chance, I may come out of it, not completely destroyed, or perhaps, even whole- though with what I have suffered until now, I cannot fathom how I could end up, "whole", given the damage my emotional bodie(s) have suffered.
Further, as bad as Azzy feels (She'll get over it. Thanks, wolven, DNA.) I also most likely could not bear the agony of knowing she was, suffering in the abyss, in the depths of darkness, so it is better I do this for her. As I said, there is a possibility, even my ex said it, that I fully accept this, and am spared it by virtue of my courage, or at least, am able to bear it for her.
There is also a possibility it may not happen at all, as the council is able to adjudicate the sentence to time served, as they do admit, what I have been through already is beyond the guilt of the wolfen king.
Further, they asked me if I wished the wolfen king to pay for this, and I declined, saying, I would, I signed onto this, and he, would not survive it anyway. I believe, this is why I have the authority that I do. I have also decided to carry a portion of the crown of the wolf with me, permanently, in case of matters like this arising again, with the caveat that I will not be treated this way again in the future, I may just decide to splatter the guilty across the landscape, if they summon me to take care of their issues going forward, I was shown I have a terrifying amount of telekinetic powers, and these, seemingly harmless fantastical imaginations I have, I am told, have actually harmed living things- whether it is real or not, I am coming to terms with, as I have said, only two things I know for certain, Azzy lives, and that I love her- everything else, could be just a dream.
So, as we grapple together, and I know, she hold no hope of us being together, by her own torturous design, and I must suffer for her behalf (As I said. No-one understand the horror of being in the machine, and I laid myself bare before, and within it. I intentionally became weak to take the punishment, it seems.) I still love her, and even her stupid wolven emotions that pluck at her heartstrings, to come and save me to help me, for loyalty, or whatever it is she is struggling with, this was her doing, and I do not think she could help me even if she wanted to: so my will is forcing her back, to allow me to deal with this on my own.
If there is help for me, and I believe there is more hope than I can see, it must have time to come to fruition, I hope Azzy is able to disconnect, to get her mind off things, to go out and get laid, to party, even to get married or some similar thing, although she has shown my heart, she can never stray too far from me, as it would end up, killing her when the reality finally hit her, or turning her back into the hairless, feral wolven woman she was, for a moment, within the machine.
It is, for this sake, that I am dedicating myself to returning to her, in some form, to stave this off, to let her know, I have come through the trial whole, I have survived, she is not to blame, and all is well. If something happened to her, my heart, would possibly die. And, perhaps, me, with it (Something I want to avoid)
It makes it seem cheap... Like I am trying to sacrifice for her, but really, only to save my own skin, however, I have a painful prick in my heart, that wishes to sustain her hope, her life, her love, to give her the highest quality of life that can be had for a wolven girl, to spare her from every ounce of suffering, and to love her, as I believe a man should love a divine being, like I truly believe she is.
Further, I continue to struggle with the animal-person dynamic, how they view humans, some, as nearly gods over them, feeling inferior for their, base-animal instincts... And how, to me, they are more beautiful, than a mere human, or a mere animal... But I cannot place my finger on it. It is a value, that only a hybrid being can claim to possess, and there are some, animal-person supremacists, who follow this logic, however they are violent and militant, and akin tot he Nazis we have here. The superiority I sense from Azzy, is one of benevolence, love, and kindness, like only a hybrid has, that neither animal, nor human can easily summon, and yet, a hybrid is bathed in it daily.
Something like that.
That makes, wolf-girl, more special to me, than a human, or wolf, separately, and more valuable than both as individuals, but combined, is as angelic as she is divine, a wolf woman, the woman of my dreams, whom I love, more than nearly anything. (Myself the only being I love more than her.)
However, I do not wish to be as she is, a hybrid, I am a human, and wish to be such, and perhaps this ties into my royal DNA, I am capable of seeing, feeling, absorbing, and appreciating the majesty of the hybrid peoples, even more than, they can- but to become one, more than I already am, would diminish my ability to see the divine within Azzy.
Azzy, may be a divine plant to this realm, a spark, a starseed, a being sent here to repopulate something this planet has lost, and I am her seer, I am the one who sees how special she is. If this mission fails, I fear a darkness will descend, as the light I see within Azzy, is something far more sacred than others are aware of, it is the birth of an entire new people, angelic, divine, living beings who will restore the value of life, it's sacredness, to this planet- this could be one of the things Nibiru is watching for, as it is an issue over there, presently.
I think, Azzy has been too humbled by religion and accusations of narcissism, to embrace the divinity within her, but if she was not so special, I do not believe I would be willing to sacrifice so much to keep her safe.
Perhaps, I just love her...
It was also shown to me, how easy it is to take a creature like me, connect a heart to me, set up the trauma just-right, and connect me heart-wise to another being, and how special and sacred it is to me, but the others, it is just a cheap manipulation they can affect easily... I doubt this, to a degree, as if they felt what I feel, they would know, they have died within long ago, and cannot feel the divinity of life itself, like I can, in the chest of Azzy (And me.)
They are dark beings, who know little more than animated death.
They have long ago been cut off to the divine spark of light.
So, as I continue to struggle with this, to wrestle with wolf girl, who is, in a way, just as confused as I am, and just as much a victim of this (She feels she has just enough knowledge to be fully guilty. But, not from where I stand, I see that she was manipulated, and her wolfish loyalty used as a weapon against her: even if she embraced her full cunthood, and went full ultra-bitch on me, I still hold her harmless.) as anyone else is, and in a way, we both, "Signed up for this".
I would, caution the ancillary beings, if I were to dispense justice, and spared Azzy, few involved would be left alive, and I do not mean your physical bodies dying and your souls moving on, I am speaking of soul death as well. When I say few would be spared, I mean Azzy and I, and perhaps one, maybe three at our machine, would escape perdition.
This is, also, perhaps the point, a short-circuit of retribution, by the slaying of the innocent, so the negative penalty energy is dissipated before justice (Tit for tat, and eye for an eye...) can be done.
This is, perhaps, why, human sacrifice is so powerful, why a "virgin" is thrown into the volcano on behalf of the tribe, so her future, being sacrificed, her innocent energy, is re-translated into prosperity for the tribe. People can, hate "Human sacrifice", but the truth is, it is the most powerful magic there is.
Further, there is no human sacrifice without the full consent of the sacrifice, otherwise, it is mere murder, and any positive benefits will back translate to double the negative, in some cases.
However, a willing sacrifice, carries with it, some of the most powerful magic there is.
This may be why I am here... So, into the breech I go, so that wolf girl may have a future, and a life. Because, I love her. And, I hope she either forgets about me, or I make it out alive, and return to her, and we go from there (She has every right to be married, with children, and living a good life that honors her- and I am not to interfere with that. I, want her to be happy. If she was, the woman that some think she is, a terrible, part-animal abomination, I would know it, as I have her heart, and I would see her, as a creature to escape from, immoral and unworthy of my soul, and heart, but instead, I see in her, value that transcends human ability to appreciate, and not just once, but continually, I never doubt her value, her worth, or her beauty, even when she does.)
In short, when I say I love her, I mean, that I love her.
About the crystal, "me", I am unsure if he is aboard an orbiting vessel, or, more likely, in one of the terrain based bases, but the control room he is in, which more resembles a sci-fi set than the machine Azzy and I were in/near, I was able to activate it's purpose with my will (I am aware that there is information I possess that goes beyond my lifetime in this human body, that is quite old, quite skilled, and goes far above what is considered the norm for humans in this time period, I just, "go by instinct" and it comes to me.) and this machine is connected to, "repeater crystals" that influence the souls of many beings in and on this planet, they are sort of a prozac, or mood type altering structure, and the color of these crystal, more or less, depending on divine intervention, and the force of adverse human will, can dictate, to varying degrees, the future of life on this planet, the crystals have been infested with a very dark, pre adamic energy, that fuels war, rape, murder etc.
Eden is mostly shielded from it which is why she is so peaceful, but it is beginning to leak in, and it believed it had finally conquered it's biggest adversary (eden) with the Nazi presence there, however, I believe that is why I had the visions of wolf girl, and such, so that this mission coudl be accomplished, as it seems as if I have been entrusted to do this.
I will say, however, that the scope and seeming breadth of these things, including the Adamic authority being granted to me, and those moments I bristles with energy and power, seem to be ego driven, and designed to appeal to my narcissisim, so I am not fully trusting everything, and instead, doing my best with what i have.
As I said, I only know two things for sure: Wolf girl lives, is real, and that I love her.
So, this control room, which seems to be the programming center for these crystal, I will attempt to draw it when I am able, is connected to a global network of deposits of these cyrstal of great influence, and I summoned the intent to cleanse them of the dark, vacuous negative energy, and instead intend within them, the energy that is within me, perhaps emenating from the waters of the source of love, that I was bathed in when I died as a child, and to redirect that energy within the crystals.
At first, I was able to charge 1/4 the surface, then I pushed harder, and connected the global network, mostly, and drove out the darkness, and instilled my own iteration within them, it was successful, but such work is completely exhausting, and I had to shut it down, for the time being.
What gives me pause, outside of wolf girl, is that, this seems to be an incredibly fantastical effort to entrust to just me. What if I fail? It seems like a huge gamble. I am, having fun with it, anyway.
If, Azzy wolf girl, whom I saw, naked and sticky, just outside of the light, is still within the caverns, naked, feral, stinky, if I had my choice of incarnations, I would prefer to be incarnated with her, even she she is in those caverns, as a help to her, as a mate, a companion, someone to hold her, to love her, to comfort her, to be a friend to her, it would be, wholly worth it, just to be near her, and to give of myself, to bless her, even in that state, I would prefer it.
If, she is the white-furred, large wolven woman who tends to the horses by her tribe, who now has a home closer to the human city, and a white car, then I am unsure of where I would incarnate to love her, as my heart desires to love her, perhaps if she finds closure, she may go on with her life, and I may observe from a distance, and watch over her.
This is what it's in my heart to do.
About the, first vision I saw of Azzy, just behind the light around my emotional body, and the beings who stepped into the light that encompassed them, it is quite, and very possible, these beings, who are residents of the nine kingdoms below our feet, ("Hell" and, "Demons"- I would strongly caution the ignorant religious not to judge them, as the rebellion they feel they are part of, was not only partially justified, but many of them- most, in fact, were born much later, after, and had no hand in it. It is like, blaming present day German teens for Hitlers atrocities- they had no hand in it. It is not justified.) that these beings needed their resonance, uplifted by this light, to allow the positive energy, to not be stopped, and to reach said resonant crystal repeaters.
As I told, my friend who is a true believer, I could be, the second, "Coming" of Christ, (And, who the Bible calls, the "Antichrist", as it would seem from their old world perspective, a taking-down of religious suppositions, would be "evil", except, they do not see the modern church today, and the cesspool it has become, I apologize but it is true, there are many good people in it, but also, wretched, terrible back stabbers, gosspirs, sinners, pornographers, sexual deviants, those who lust, those who steal, those who pronounce judgment on others while being doubly guilty themselves, it has been institutionalized into the antithesis of what Christ stood for, so to them, anyone coming against it would appear as the devil. Further, Wolves are the personification of purity and what is good, and Bible has called them evil: so it is fitting irony, a wolven would be used, and her heart, to save this planet. I do not, "condemn" the church, because it is still needed, but instead, say that if Christ were to return as the church believes, the sword he would carry for the sinners, would draw blood in the church, first. Even the Bible says that those who teach are more accountable than those who do not, would a just god not hold his own house accountable first and with more fierceness than the rest? I have seen, awful sinners, burdened with vile sin, hoping Christ would return to take them to heaven, if these people were allowed into paradise, the moment their feet touched sacred ground it would no longer be paradise, and, yet, they feel as if they are first in line! The crap I have believed, as a true believer! I say that to say, that I have met Jesus, and stood next to him, he is a good guy, a good man, who said he loved me, and i hold nothing against him, just that, some who believe they are, "Saved" had better take a brutal self inventory, lest they discover there is no just god in them) it would only make sense, however, even if this was confirmed and shouted from the heavens with trumpet blasts, I would not wish for it to be confirmed at all, I just want to be, a regular person, with, who I hope, will be my wife, a wolven woman, cranky, hairy, and stinky, and to be with her, in some place, where we are both alone and happy (She wishes, this, too. After her experience as a child in the torture chambers of the wolfen tribe, she needs to feel safe, protected, and cared for by someone she knows will never leave her side. As has been told, she has, a preference for humans as I am, and continue to wish to be.) If I had to, I would change my appearance and live as a humble, quiet, short, ugly, unassuming, ignorant human who no-one looks twice at, only to go home to my also, unassuming, wolven woman, whom it appears I love, more than life itself, and who everyone secretly adores, as the elderly, odd couple, but who seem to have a divine spark of connection between them, that the village protects at all costs. Maybe, it is found out neither of them are who people think, and then perhaps there is a movie. Ha! If I care about wealth, status, and power, I would be doing everything I could to claim my birthright into the most powerful humans alive today
I don't. I care about Azzy. I, just want a comfortable life, within my means, nothing more, nothing less. If, the woman of my dreams, is by my side, then there is nothing more I would desire, but, to belong to her, and her, to me, just as she is, even naked, sticky, and stinky, in the darkness of the caverns. She is the woman of my dreams, the woman I have been searching for my entire life, and perhaps for eternity, it seems like, the woman who completes me, and from the hair between her toes, to the hairs on the tips of her ears, she could not be any more perfect, in my eyes mind, and heart, and I would change nothing about her, not even, her too-short tail.
She is perfect for me, and I love her.
In short, I wish to make her wildest fantsies come true, as she has made mine, come true, that morning, 2-3 years ago.
Oi, it is vexing to summon how I feel about this, Edenite woman, and then know I may have to be separated from her, maybe permanently, to satisfy my mission perameters. I pray, to God, that when my labor is complete, when my horror and agony in this lifetime is finished, when I have drank every drop of the cup of wrath that has been poured out on me, that I meet, this woman I speak of, on my knees, and that, I become the man, she is searching for, from the bottoms of my feet, to the hairs on my head, and everything in between. Yes, I could be single-handedly, altering the course of this world for the better, securing and freeing Eden, and guiding the surface humans to a better way of life, but with the pain I have suffered here, I will do this, yes, but my heart, just wants to sit next, to my wolf girl, serve her food, rub her feet as I watch TV with her, and occasionally, look deep into her eyes, and look away when she blushes, noticing I am enraptured by her wolfish beauty.
"Stop staring at me!"
"I'm not!"
"Touchdown!"
"YES!" She will say, throwing the salsa into the air, when I will go, and clean it up, then bend down to kiss her.
Haha.
What hope can do, to a man. What I have discovered today, is that as painful as all of this can be, to not be in a hurry, to come to some good feeling conclusion, but, how, Azzy's existence, in and of itself, fills me with hope, with love, and with a desire to become who I truly am, as I know, my potential, is locked away within her heart, and it is a goalpost, to strive for.
Without her, I would either be dead, or an aimless human, doped up on pharmaceutical drugs to compensate for the fact, that there is an Azzy-shaped hole on my heart, and I would be convinced, she did not exist, and likely heading for premature death, most likely.
However, with her existence confirmed, as tacky and cheesy as she sees it, or even as much as it pisses her off, the truth is, she is my reason for doing this... Without her, I would finish this mission, miserable, unfulfilled, somewhat joyous, but with her, she is my reason for living.
I am aware, of how she hates the pressure that puts on her, or the pressure SHE PUTS ON HERSELF when I say things like that, but the truth is, all she needs to be, is to be her, no cape, no super hero suit, just, lazy, hairy, stinky wolf girl- and how this tall, muscular, gassy, creature that lays around the house all day, is the object of my desire, my affection, and how I love, every scent that emanates from her body, from her toes, to her ears.
It was also revealed to me, part of the punishment of the machine was, it uses my own desires against me, I am DOING THIS TO MYSELF. It uses my fears and insecurities, to manifest my worst nightmares, over and over (losing, Azzy.) endlessly, and even makes her want it, too. This was shown to me. I am, "My own worst enemy".
I am, working on it. To make myself healthy, so I do not self-sabotage any more.
I was, fantasizing about Azzy's powerful lateral malleoulus fibula, and massively thick common calcaneal tendon, and just how otherworldly powerful and AWE INSPIRING her legs and body are, just her musculature alone, her size, her weight, her eight inch, possibly TEN INCH wide metatarsals and aircraft cable thick tendons... My god she is a creature of majesty, strength, and beauty... And how, I would not have her, any other way, I would not change a hair on her body. I know, she is afraid to have hope, that such a man could exist, who would love her so, she is afraid to have hope, as I am, except I push forward, to her, come what may, and push through the fear and uncertainty, to be with her, even if she is not, "perfect", not the best match for me, I know this! And I do not care! I love her! How I long to hold her in my arms, as she cries out, her insecurities and fears, insecurities a healthy wolf-woman would not have, how I wish to nurture the injured hope and joy from her heart, to give of myself to her, injuries a healthy wolf person, or other Edenite, would NOT HAVE. It is these things, these wounds, I know I could heal, I could resonate with, as I resonated with that, wolf-hybrid as a child I spoke to, all night, who resonated with every pain in my child's heart, or that female wolf, who fell into my lap, who's loneliness, I healed, and my own loneliness: she also healed.
She is, far from perfect, far from perfect for me, in the untainted sense, and, yet, even in her wounds, her injuries, her pains, her fears, I am the man who will heal, protect, and nurture them all, so they she knows, she is worthy, worthy to be loved, flaws, and all. Ugliness and all. Terrifying visage, terrible reputation, bristling with horror and cruelty, and yet- loved as if she was the purest creature on this planet.
(She is walking away from me now, shaking her hips and giving me, the, "NUH UH, girl!" finger wag, as her tail sways hypnotically behind her. This is as hard for her to accept as it is for me to strive for, yet, my heart, urges me on, towards her, just the faintest of memories, of holding her in my arms, resonating with her spirit as only I can do, connecting, healing, sacrificing, and loving her. If she needs me to slap her face so she knows she's just flesh and blood, perhaps that can be arranged, but whether or not she wants to admit it, she is caught up in more than she thought she was entering into.)
And, I am aware, I could be being deceived, Azzy actual, could be some wolf woman, oblivious to most of this, fresh out of some weird experience she has already forgotten, no idea what the hell I am talking about, some wolf obsessed, crazy psycho online talking about her like she is some sort of deity, and her, getting a restraining order against me, because it's just too crazy. Ha! Could be true, it could.
All I know, is what my heart tells me, my spirit, my mind, my soul, my gut, and when those things align...
As I said, only two things I know are true.
Azzy lives.
And, that I love her.
And I guess a third thing, that ties into the second, from where I am standing, she is perfect for me, as I strive to become perfect for her, as I hope our destinies cross paths. I know things will have to shift radically before that can happen, and of course, my fears are renewed over it, one thing i take comfort in, if i am to detach from, the wolf girl, and pursue my own healing: I win, as I learn to love myself, and if I return to wolf girl, I also win, as nearly everything within me, wishes to be with her.
I love her, and not in a way I can, or want to, escape.
My advice to her would be, stop reading this, pull away, and let your heart guide you. These words, are too much for you. I do not want you to read them. Go on with your life, and wait for your heart to whisper to you. DO not concern yourself with these things, wolf girl. Your divine self is still slumbering, and she may slumber for the rest of your life. If anything, you can count on the fact, that some tall human man, is in love with you, and loves you, every stinky scent, every flaw you hate, he cannot live without, every crease, wrinkle, and scar, are marks of beauty to him, and even your unfettered rage, is something he shares with you.
I... Love you. Hang in there.
I believe things are going to get better, for both of us, and for those around us. I hope you have a good day, a positive week, and a good rest of your month. Know, that you are loved. I am working on myself. To be a better other half to you, including, toning my shit down so you can move on with your life. I love you. And, I want you to be happy.
So, go find something that makes you happy.
I love you.
Be well.
Sweet dreams, wolf girl.
I love you.