My journey to this planet, struggles, spirit spouse
Sept 26, 2022 16:43:54 GMT 9.5
Post by tundrawolf on Sept 26, 2022 16:43:54 GMT 9.5
Greetings,
March of 2021 I had a series of three early morning, sober visions. Previous to this, about over 20 years ago, I surrendered my authority to adverse entities, that greatly injured my "emotional body", some may call a "soul", as at the time, I was mixed up with religion.
The visions I had were related to the attack. In the visions:
I saw my badly injured spiritual body, and a light around it. The light appeared because of an NDE I had when I was a child, where my emotional body was saturated in the source of love, which was in the form of a liquid. I was dipped into it, and it soaked every fiber of my being in pure love. I was forced back into my physical body, where I was also enduring many forms of traumatic abuse (I did not want to go back to my earthly life.)
So, outside of the light, was standing, a very tall, and large creature. She is female, stands about eight feet tall, and looks like a typical werewolf when a werewolf turns into their part-wolf, part-human selves.
Some visions I have had are figurative, some are literal- this vision- that morning- I knew wolf-people existed. I marveled at this, as I had felt a connection to wolf-people all of my life... And it turns out... I have known this wolf- person all of my life:
The second vision: After I calmed down enough after seeing her, massive, muscular, powerful... her metatarsals are eight inches or so wide... With tendons as thick as ropes... I marveled at how powerfully she was built... However, in the second vision, I felt her heart beat in my chest. Her heart beat with the exact same frequency as my heart did, and in that morning, I was made "complete" (Found my other half) by this wolf-person. (I later discovered her people are called, the "Wolfen", for the civilized ones, and the more vicious, less empathic wolf-people are called the "Wolven")
I marveled at this for a period of time, of wonderment, but I was told, to "assume nothing" about her, and truly, as my relationship with her is ongoing, she is "not who I think she is"
The third vision: I was connected to her mind. I was given two questions to ask her, which she would answer fully, as I was connected with her mind... I snuck in a third question while we were connected:
1. She hates god (Her creators. I was shown, when she was created, they used half human waters, half wolf waters, and an "unhealthy" amount of libido... Something that has plagued her and I both), 2. she hates me (I would ask her why she is so angry with me. During the attack on my "soul", I could feel her ravenous, vicious, eons old, cascading hatred and rage against me... The hatred of the demons for humanity... Multiplied with her Wolfen heart and soul... She had a list of gripes, and as I am addressing them- I am discovering she is right about pretty much all of them. I am becoming a better person by working with her to address the reasons why she is so angry with me), and for my last question: 3. She does not want to leave the darkness she lives in. (Religion would call it "hell", but it is a series of underground caverns, i believe, in Antarctica.)
She is a powerful, and feared ruler in her realm. In my efforts to work with her, to soften her heart, a being from her realm came to me, and thanked me for "Making her softer" inside. She has no body fur, and her skin is black with the dirt of her realm. I make no judgments, to me, she is magnificent, beautiful, and attractive.
She is also very self conscious. She hides parts of her body from my view, because of my judgmental attitude. I am working on this, for her sake. She deserves to be accepted for who she is fully. A lot of her gripes against me have been 100% true and reality based observations of flaws in my character.
I have spoken to her, at times, and usually she will begrudgingly listen to me, occasionally make demeaning/ insulting comments, though she is careful not to hurt my feelings, as I am careful not to hurt hers. A few times, I felt her, listen to my soft voice, and I felt her heart- change positively over what I was saying. She said, "That sounded good to her".
She controls several large armies in her realm that in many ways, affect us here, on the surface.
During the early invasion of the Ukraine by Russia, I caught her, (My attention was brought to her) working with others in her realm, dark rulers- to spark Armageddon and wipe out most of humanity from this world. I worked with her, and asked her to please stop, and she listened, and she did.
Further: She has appeared to one of my friends in a dream, told him something she only told me, and had him rebuke a small demon that was hindering several of our romantic relationships.
Ironically, she is frightened of me, over the power I have over her, and I have been a pretty unstable and violent person in my past, and she does not like this. I was asked to use violence against her, and I did, after not agreeing to a pact of nonviolence against her. (I did not know if I would need to use violence in the future against her, and i regret not making the pact with her- however, after using the violence against her, which would have been a mortal wound, it was shown to me, I only injured her, it was "necessary" but i regret it, and after this- I swore to her I would not harm her unless I spoke with her heart, first, and told her, what I was being asked to do. I have remained steadfast in this, although I have done some things she does not like- such as surrendering her to the "Cosmic me", more on that, later.)
It gets gruesome, trigger warning for gore.
During the attack, my "Spiritual body" was ripped apart. His head was twisted around, and his hips were twisted, wrenching his organs out. I was told I cannot see the gore fully, as it would make me extremely depressed for some time.
However: As science is discovering, much of the human personality is actually not within the brain, but within the gut. She... I call her "Asrael", because they told me I could not know her name, as I would accidentally summon her, and it would be terrible for us both if I did that. (I do not want to be attacked again. In one seeing, I saw her massive muzzle, poke through the darkness, looming in to my spiritual body, the light illuminating her polar-bear sized head and muzzle, my emotional body grew so terrified of her, i experienced literally terror and agony simultaneously as my emotional body tried to recoil from her... And pushed her back into the darkness.)
Well, to put it bluntly, she ate his guts, including his intestines. In that realm, you can sustain mortal injury... And still be conscious. Time does not exist there, just perpetual existence.
However: While experiencing this horror manifested in my human body as extreme anxiety, after the attack on my soul, anxiety so horrible I dared not even contemplate suicide- I now realize this was her... Torturing and eating my emotional body. (If I can forgive her, you can, too.) Form a scientific standpoint, and what I was shown, was, during my NDE, I was saturated in pure love... Love, this grumpy, violent wolf-woman was now eating. Love she had no use for.
As gruesome as this is, a few months ago, I experienced something so intimate, it transcended sexual congress: I experienced my emotional bodie's life-force, feeding, sustaining her body, as she digested his tissue. I felt love begin to grow within her... I will never forget the feeling of being so intimately connected with her, that I literally gave her life, and the love-union I shared as I gladly blessed her with it.
Of course, this made her very sick... And I think caused her to nearly die. I do not think she knew about my NDE, or what happened to me, in the darkness.
I was told, this was to introduce her, and her people- the Wolfen (She is not a Wolven... Wolven do not repent or gain empathy. She is a tortured, hopeless Wolfen, who knows only violence, and thrives on cruelty, and is feared and respected. A Wolfen will drink beer with you and eat pizza and watch a game, a Wolven will want to taste your liver) to human kindness and love, things her people can use, as the Wolfen are a spacefaring people and we may, one day, meet them, on peaceful terms, as their technology is billions of eons ahead of our own. Also more than one human would be interested in having a large, warm, soft "Wolf daddy" or "Wolf girl", and they are a very accepting people, when not locked in underground caverns and forced to survive some of the most adverse circumstances a living being can endure: Circumstances that would kill a human in minutes, she has thrived in, for a very "long" time.
Asrael is a product of her circumstances, and while I struggle to find compassion and empathy within her, I do not believe she is all bad. Angry, bitter, resentful, hateful and cruel, yes- but in my working with her, I got to meet "Soft Asrael", a gentle, passive woman who really doesn't like the taste of blood or wants to hurt anyone at all, but she has to take a "back seat" to Dark Asrael when she is doing... Dark Asrael things. (like eating her enemies alive with no compassion whatsoever.)
I also got to meet, "Little Girl", where the crimson strand connects Dark Asrael's heart to my own, there is a section where, Dark Asrael... Is human. Her humanity, and my humanity meet- granted, it is a very small section, but it is there. And there, lives a young Asrael, a terrified, shaking, abused little wolf-person. In my work with her, she had to be comforted by her creator to stop shaking, and in my time with her, I expressed an interest in her well-being, and she told me- "You never cared before." She also expressed some violence towards me, so I had to distance myself from her.
However, she has grown up and matured considerably. She has a neutral opinion of me, which is better than where I found her. In a place of fear and hatred. She has, some influence over the fully grown Dark Asrael who commands armies.
Much thanks to Paul, of this board, who has guided me through meditations, I was able to meet, the "Cosmic" me.
The Cosmic me, is part of a 4 or 5 group of large astral humanoids, who form a circle, protecting Earth, and possibly the solar system, or even outer space as we know it. (The details are fuzzy. but Earth has come into view for them.)
The Cosmic me, it turns out, is a terrifyingly just being. When he saw the horrors I have endured as a human on Earth, and the condition of my emotional body, he DEMANDED to know who had done this to me. I protected Dark Asrael from him, however, I was asked to hand her over to him- so I ran it by her- she hated the idea, but I released her to him- and it has been a battle to try to get her back, because the Cosmic "me" can be... Merciless. And, while Ms. Asrael has caused me a lifetime of suffering- even before the attack, I do care for her, I don't want her to suffer, and I want a better life for her (Even if she cannot see it. She has expressed some desire over having a new life in a better world, a place of light- I told her, if I could, I would be reincarnated as her best friend (A woman) to help her acclimate to a new life, to dote over her, to love her. She liked this idea. I would massage her, bathe her (There are no baths where she lives, and she is self conscious about her body) cook for her, and be a shoulder for her, to listen to her, as she releases the trauma of what she's been through.
The Cosmic me... Is not treating her kindly. The past few days have been hard, and I have demanded her back, but the Cosmic me, and another entity, perhaps a sponsor, a divine being- both have told me, "This is a good thing." I am told, because Dark Asrael DID show me some mercy, and did NOT continue to harm my emotional body, that I have successfully negotiated some mercy for what she is going through.
However, she IS suffering as terribly as she caused me to suffer. As much as I can be a vengeful person, I do not want this- however- I cannot deny the transformation I am experiencing because of this trauma. Even my girlfriend (Human, corporeal, lives on the surface of Earth) says in the year she has known me, I am not "The man she met a year ago" (But in a good way. I was terribly traumatized as a child and experienced many forms of extreme abuse, including an attempted murder. As I deal with it, however, and even address Dark Asrael's glowing list of my character flaws, I become a better person, the person Cosmic Me wanted me to be all along)
I am told I am, the only being her life that cares about her. I am told, when her transformation is done, she will need me to be ready to accept her. Just the vision of seeing her body, in all of it's magnificence, was enough to give my life meaning- let alone the heart synchronization, and her brilliantly cunning, vicious intelligence- all of which I have respect for.
The last few years have been pivotal for me, as I have lost my religion, embraced every dark thing I was told to avoid- I have gained the respect of the darkness. I am also, quite possibly a Christ iteration, but even if I am, I do not boast or celebrate this, my burdens here have been far and beyond what an ordinary human can bear, or survive. "Foxes have holes..."
Since I met the Cosmic Me, a few weeks ago (Thanks again, to Paul!) he has equipped me with an array of power, authority, and temperance. I do not entirely like him he is akin to a drill instructor, and I still do not fully "know" him. He reminds me of a clone trooper, from Star Wars. Born to fight. He also told me, today I believe, that as bad as it seems for Dark Asrael right now, that he could have tossed her like garbage into "The abyss" where her fate would have been indescribably worse. He says, what he is doing "to" her right now, is actually an act of love, because she was also trapped, emotionally, and the "End result" will be the fulfillment of everything I have ever wanted (I was created to live this destiny for this reason).
I have done other things here, such as bring a ray of light through this planet, which is affecting an adverse dark elemental being, that is responsible for a lot of human problems. Other things, like weaving another universe together, but I am still weak, and cannot do it for long.
I also have to live my Earthly life.
As I write this, I attempted to summon her, and there was a barrier, but she came through- she is NOT having a good time. She is brave- and tough... I reached out to her, and accepted her fully... She actually thanked me for this- apparently this connection soothed her. She asked for mercy, but I told her, she caused me quite a bit of similar suffering. I... Pushed my body into hers, and hugged her, feeling her warmth. Then, I retreated, and allowed her transformation to continue. I am trying to be careful with my abilities, as I have used them for revenge, and have possibly caused needless suffering, so I am careful with her, as well. Any more, I am careful all around! And it feels good to be passive! Part of me just wants to live my regular human life on Earth!
Also in letting go my idea of "god", I was godless for some time, which was bittersweet, as there was no one to turn to- and no one to punish, either. However, knowing Cosmic Me (I call him Big Poppa) he is a sort of deity I can turn to. He is a HARDASS, however, and anyone I surrender to him is... Dealt with, with a mercilessness so swift and terrible even Asrael is terrified by it, so I am hesitant to surrender people to a very real fate. SO I AM TRYING NOT TO SURRENDER ANYONE ELSE TO HIM. I don't want to be a vengeful person any more.
On this planet, I have more authority than he does, in the same way as a human being cannot intervene in the world of ants, or have meaningful intimate relationships with an individual ant. We are working together, and I am glad to be relieved of much of my fears.
In practicing "The flame of the heart" exercise, it tempers me to the Source of All, who is helping me discover my original design. In doing this, I am closer to "Being" rather than the "Struggling" I have always known.
In time, it is deep in my heart to draw Asrael in comic form, of our reluctant relationship, and of her transformation. Even, showing the lives of the Wolfen people, and the Wolven, and their exploits.
In Asrael's realm, there are a great myriad of strange creatures, yes religion calls them demons, but on an individual level- yes some meet the stereotype, however, many also do not- many are empathic, kind, and do not want to harm humans at all. Many want better lives, and many are quite kind, when you get to know them. All they want is a little bit of respect and kindness, but boundaries are also important. Also prejudices and judgment they can feel, and many are still repulsed by my judgmental nature, which is sad to me, and I am trying to be a better human. In a way, my heart goes out to these oppressed beings.
That is it for now, I guess, as I am to look to my own affairs, and take a break from the wolf-people (If possible. Not that I have anything against them, but I need to attend to my affairs, perhaps, for a while.)
I should mention, Asrael's handler looks like an crocodile-person, is a reptilian being, and is actually supportive of her transformation (He has expressed no hostility towards me, and in fact, supports my love for her. I asked him directly, braving his wrath, but he expressed gratitude over my work with her.)
I should also mention, in dealing with my trauma, with Asrael, and with my demons, I have never been more well adjusted, happier, and with a more positive outlook in my 43 years. Not ever. If anything, I can say Ms. Asrael's list is making me a better person, and my Husky Dog Puppy is also teaching me about canines (I worked with pure blood wolves for some time, years ago, and fell even further in love with the wolf because of it, a feral wolf saved my life, i thought I knew everything about canines, but I never looked at life from THEIR perspective, and it is also helping my relationship with Ms. Asrael, as she is, significantly, a canine being.)
While I understand the guttural terror an average human would feel, and the instant laxative effect her imposing frame would have on someone, if they saw Ms. Asrael standing before them- and while I DO have residual fears from what she did to me (She hates it when I bring it up. She rolls her eyes and says she is "over it, shut up about it, already!") the love I have for her in my heart, seems to be immortal, timeless, and truly compassionate. It could be, in her journey through the eons, she has become lost... And in our love-dance, I am, perhaps, the man who can guide her back to the light.
March of 2021 I had a series of three early morning, sober visions. Previous to this, about over 20 years ago, I surrendered my authority to adverse entities, that greatly injured my "emotional body", some may call a "soul", as at the time, I was mixed up with religion.
The visions I had were related to the attack. In the visions:
I saw my badly injured spiritual body, and a light around it. The light appeared because of an NDE I had when I was a child, where my emotional body was saturated in the source of love, which was in the form of a liquid. I was dipped into it, and it soaked every fiber of my being in pure love. I was forced back into my physical body, where I was also enduring many forms of traumatic abuse (I did not want to go back to my earthly life.)
So, outside of the light, was standing, a very tall, and large creature. She is female, stands about eight feet tall, and looks like a typical werewolf when a werewolf turns into their part-wolf, part-human selves.
Some visions I have had are figurative, some are literal- this vision- that morning- I knew wolf-people existed. I marveled at this, as I had felt a connection to wolf-people all of my life... And it turns out... I have known this wolf- person all of my life:
The second vision: After I calmed down enough after seeing her, massive, muscular, powerful... her metatarsals are eight inches or so wide... With tendons as thick as ropes... I marveled at how powerfully she was built... However, in the second vision, I felt her heart beat in my chest. Her heart beat with the exact same frequency as my heart did, and in that morning, I was made "complete" (Found my other half) by this wolf-person. (I later discovered her people are called, the "Wolfen", for the civilized ones, and the more vicious, less empathic wolf-people are called the "Wolven")
I marveled at this for a period of time, of wonderment, but I was told, to "assume nothing" about her, and truly, as my relationship with her is ongoing, she is "not who I think she is"
The third vision: I was connected to her mind. I was given two questions to ask her, which she would answer fully, as I was connected with her mind... I snuck in a third question while we were connected:
1. She hates god (Her creators. I was shown, when she was created, they used half human waters, half wolf waters, and an "unhealthy" amount of libido... Something that has plagued her and I both), 2. she hates me (I would ask her why she is so angry with me. During the attack on my "soul", I could feel her ravenous, vicious, eons old, cascading hatred and rage against me... The hatred of the demons for humanity... Multiplied with her Wolfen heart and soul... She had a list of gripes, and as I am addressing them- I am discovering she is right about pretty much all of them. I am becoming a better person by working with her to address the reasons why she is so angry with me), and for my last question: 3. She does not want to leave the darkness she lives in. (Religion would call it "hell", but it is a series of underground caverns, i believe, in Antarctica.)
She is a powerful, and feared ruler in her realm. In my efforts to work with her, to soften her heart, a being from her realm came to me, and thanked me for "Making her softer" inside. She has no body fur, and her skin is black with the dirt of her realm. I make no judgments, to me, she is magnificent, beautiful, and attractive.
She is also very self conscious. She hides parts of her body from my view, because of my judgmental attitude. I am working on this, for her sake. She deserves to be accepted for who she is fully. A lot of her gripes against me have been 100% true and reality based observations of flaws in my character.
I have spoken to her, at times, and usually she will begrudgingly listen to me, occasionally make demeaning/ insulting comments, though she is careful not to hurt my feelings, as I am careful not to hurt hers. A few times, I felt her, listen to my soft voice, and I felt her heart- change positively over what I was saying. She said, "That sounded good to her".
She controls several large armies in her realm that in many ways, affect us here, on the surface.
During the early invasion of the Ukraine by Russia, I caught her, (My attention was brought to her) working with others in her realm, dark rulers- to spark Armageddon and wipe out most of humanity from this world. I worked with her, and asked her to please stop, and she listened, and she did.
Further: She has appeared to one of my friends in a dream, told him something she only told me, and had him rebuke a small demon that was hindering several of our romantic relationships.
Ironically, she is frightened of me, over the power I have over her, and I have been a pretty unstable and violent person in my past, and she does not like this. I was asked to use violence against her, and I did, after not agreeing to a pact of nonviolence against her. (I did not know if I would need to use violence in the future against her, and i regret not making the pact with her- however, after using the violence against her, which would have been a mortal wound, it was shown to me, I only injured her, it was "necessary" but i regret it, and after this- I swore to her I would not harm her unless I spoke with her heart, first, and told her, what I was being asked to do. I have remained steadfast in this, although I have done some things she does not like- such as surrendering her to the "Cosmic me", more on that, later.)
It gets gruesome, trigger warning for gore.
During the attack, my "Spiritual body" was ripped apart. His head was twisted around, and his hips were twisted, wrenching his organs out. I was told I cannot see the gore fully, as it would make me extremely depressed for some time.
However: As science is discovering, much of the human personality is actually not within the brain, but within the gut. She... I call her "Asrael", because they told me I could not know her name, as I would accidentally summon her, and it would be terrible for us both if I did that. (I do not want to be attacked again. In one seeing, I saw her massive muzzle, poke through the darkness, looming in to my spiritual body, the light illuminating her polar-bear sized head and muzzle, my emotional body grew so terrified of her, i experienced literally terror and agony simultaneously as my emotional body tried to recoil from her... And pushed her back into the darkness.)
Well, to put it bluntly, she ate his guts, including his intestines. In that realm, you can sustain mortal injury... And still be conscious. Time does not exist there, just perpetual existence.
However: While experiencing this horror manifested in my human body as extreme anxiety, after the attack on my soul, anxiety so horrible I dared not even contemplate suicide- I now realize this was her... Torturing and eating my emotional body. (If I can forgive her, you can, too.) Form a scientific standpoint, and what I was shown, was, during my NDE, I was saturated in pure love... Love, this grumpy, violent wolf-woman was now eating. Love she had no use for.
As gruesome as this is, a few months ago, I experienced something so intimate, it transcended sexual congress: I experienced my emotional bodie's life-force, feeding, sustaining her body, as she digested his tissue. I felt love begin to grow within her... I will never forget the feeling of being so intimately connected with her, that I literally gave her life, and the love-union I shared as I gladly blessed her with it.
Of course, this made her very sick... And I think caused her to nearly die. I do not think she knew about my NDE, or what happened to me, in the darkness.
I was told, this was to introduce her, and her people- the Wolfen (She is not a Wolven... Wolven do not repent or gain empathy. She is a tortured, hopeless Wolfen, who knows only violence, and thrives on cruelty, and is feared and respected. A Wolfen will drink beer with you and eat pizza and watch a game, a Wolven will want to taste your liver) to human kindness and love, things her people can use, as the Wolfen are a spacefaring people and we may, one day, meet them, on peaceful terms, as their technology is billions of eons ahead of our own. Also more than one human would be interested in having a large, warm, soft "Wolf daddy" or "Wolf girl", and they are a very accepting people, when not locked in underground caverns and forced to survive some of the most adverse circumstances a living being can endure: Circumstances that would kill a human in minutes, she has thrived in, for a very "long" time.
Asrael is a product of her circumstances, and while I struggle to find compassion and empathy within her, I do not believe she is all bad. Angry, bitter, resentful, hateful and cruel, yes- but in my working with her, I got to meet "Soft Asrael", a gentle, passive woman who really doesn't like the taste of blood or wants to hurt anyone at all, but she has to take a "back seat" to Dark Asrael when she is doing... Dark Asrael things. (like eating her enemies alive with no compassion whatsoever.)
I also got to meet, "Little Girl", where the crimson strand connects Dark Asrael's heart to my own, there is a section where, Dark Asrael... Is human. Her humanity, and my humanity meet- granted, it is a very small section, but it is there. And there, lives a young Asrael, a terrified, shaking, abused little wolf-person. In my work with her, she had to be comforted by her creator to stop shaking, and in my time with her, I expressed an interest in her well-being, and she told me- "You never cared before." She also expressed some violence towards me, so I had to distance myself from her.
However, she has grown up and matured considerably. She has a neutral opinion of me, which is better than where I found her. In a place of fear and hatred. She has, some influence over the fully grown Dark Asrael who commands armies.
Much thanks to Paul, of this board, who has guided me through meditations, I was able to meet, the "Cosmic" me.
The Cosmic me, is part of a 4 or 5 group of large astral humanoids, who form a circle, protecting Earth, and possibly the solar system, or even outer space as we know it. (The details are fuzzy. but Earth has come into view for them.)
The Cosmic me, it turns out, is a terrifyingly just being. When he saw the horrors I have endured as a human on Earth, and the condition of my emotional body, he DEMANDED to know who had done this to me. I protected Dark Asrael from him, however, I was asked to hand her over to him- so I ran it by her- she hated the idea, but I released her to him- and it has been a battle to try to get her back, because the Cosmic "me" can be... Merciless. And, while Ms. Asrael has caused me a lifetime of suffering- even before the attack, I do care for her, I don't want her to suffer, and I want a better life for her (Even if she cannot see it. She has expressed some desire over having a new life in a better world, a place of light- I told her, if I could, I would be reincarnated as her best friend (A woman) to help her acclimate to a new life, to dote over her, to love her. She liked this idea. I would massage her, bathe her (There are no baths where she lives, and she is self conscious about her body) cook for her, and be a shoulder for her, to listen to her, as she releases the trauma of what she's been through.
The Cosmic me... Is not treating her kindly. The past few days have been hard, and I have demanded her back, but the Cosmic me, and another entity, perhaps a sponsor, a divine being- both have told me, "This is a good thing." I am told, because Dark Asrael DID show me some mercy, and did NOT continue to harm my emotional body, that I have successfully negotiated some mercy for what she is going through.
However, she IS suffering as terribly as she caused me to suffer. As much as I can be a vengeful person, I do not want this- however- I cannot deny the transformation I am experiencing because of this trauma. Even my girlfriend (Human, corporeal, lives on the surface of Earth) says in the year she has known me, I am not "The man she met a year ago" (But in a good way. I was terribly traumatized as a child and experienced many forms of extreme abuse, including an attempted murder. As I deal with it, however, and even address Dark Asrael's glowing list of my character flaws, I become a better person, the person Cosmic Me wanted me to be all along)
I am told I am, the only being her life that cares about her. I am told, when her transformation is done, she will need me to be ready to accept her. Just the vision of seeing her body, in all of it's magnificence, was enough to give my life meaning- let alone the heart synchronization, and her brilliantly cunning, vicious intelligence- all of which I have respect for.
The last few years have been pivotal for me, as I have lost my religion, embraced every dark thing I was told to avoid- I have gained the respect of the darkness. I am also, quite possibly a Christ iteration, but even if I am, I do not boast or celebrate this, my burdens here have been far and beyond what an ordinary human can bear, or survive. "Foxes have holes..."
Since I met the Cosmic Me, a few weeks ago (Thanks again, to Paul!) he has equipped me with an array of power, authority, and temperance. I do not entirely like him he is akin to a drill instructor, and I still do not fully "know" him. He reminds me of a clone trooper, from Star Wars. Born to fight. He also told me, today I believe, that as bad as it seems for Dark Asrael right now, that he could have tossed her like garbage into "The abyss" where her fate would have been indescribably worse. He says, what he is doing "to" her right now, is actually an act of love, because she was also trapped, emotionally, and the "End result" will be the fulfillment of everything I have ever wanted (I was created to live this destiny for this reason).
I have done other things here, such as bring a ray of light through this planet, which is affecting an adverse dark elemental being, that is responsible for a lot of human problems. Other things, like weaving another universe together, but I am still weak, and cannot do it for long.
I also have to live my Earthly life.
As I write this, I attempted to summon her, and there was a barrier, but she came through- she is NOT having a good time. She is brave- and tough... I reached out to her, and accepted her fully... She actually thanked me for this- apparently this connection soothed her. She asked for mercy, but I told her, she caused me quite a bit of similar suffering. I... Pushed my body into hers, and hugged her, feeling her warmth. Then, I retreated, and allowed her transformation to continue. I am trying to be careful with my abilities, as I have used them for revenge, and have possibly caused needless suffering, so I am careful with her, as well. Any more, I am careful all around! And it feels good to be passive! Part of me just wants to live my regular human life on Earth!
Also in letting go my idea of "god", I was godless for some time, which was bittersweet, as there was no one to turn to- and no one to punish, either. However, knowing Cosmic Me (I call him Big Poppa) he is a sort of deity I can turn to. He is a HARDASS, however, and anyone I surrender to him is... Dealt with, with a mercilessness so swift and terrible even Asrael is terrified by it, so I am hesitant to surrender people to a very real fate. SO I AM TRYING NOT TO SURRENDER ANYONE ELSE TO HIM. I don't want to be a vengeful person any more.
On this planet, I have more authority than he does, in the same way as a human being cannot intervene in the world of ants, or have meaningful intimate relationships with an individual ant. We are working together, and I am glad to be relieved of much of my fears.
In practicing "The flame of the heart" exercise, it tempers me to the Source of All, who is helping me discover my original design. In doing this, I am closer to "Being" rather than the "Struggling" I have always known.
In time, it is deep in my heart to draw Asrael in comic form, of our reluctant relationship, and of her transformation. Even, showing the lives of the Wolfen people, and the Wolven, and their exploits.
In Asrael's realm, there are a great myriad of strange creatures, yes religion calls them demons, but on an individual level- yes some meet the stereotype, however, many also do not- many are empathic, kind, and do not want to harm humans at all. Many want better lives, and many are quite kind, when you get to know them. All they want is a little bit of respect and kindness, but boundaries are also important. Also prejudices and judgment they can feel, and many are still repulsed by my judgmental nature, which is sad to me, and I am trying to be a better human. In a way, my heart goes out to these oppressed beings.
That is it for now, I guess, as I am to look to my own affairs, and take a break from the wolf-people (If possible. Not that I have anything against them, but I need to attend to my affairs, perhaps, for a while.)
I should mention, Asrael's handler looks like an crocodile-person, is a reptilian being, and is actually supportive of her transformation (He has expressed no hostility towards me, and in fact, supports my love for her. I asked him directly, braving his wrath, but he expressed gratitude over my work with her.)
I should also mention, in dealing with my trauma, with Asrael, and with my demons, I have never been more well adjusted, happier, and with a more positive outlook in my 43 years. Not ever. If anything, I can say Ms. Asrael's list is making me a better person, and my Husky Dog Puppy is also teaching me about canines (I worked with pure blood wolves for some time, years ago, and fell even further in love with the wolf because of it, a feral wolf saved my life, i thought I knew everything about canines, but I never looked at life from THEIR perspective, and it is also helping my relationship with Ms. Asrael, as she is, significantly, a canine being.)
While I understand the guttural terror an average human would feel, and the instant laxative effect her imposing frame would have on someone, if they saw Ms. Asrael standing before them- and while I DO have residual fears from what she did to me (She hates it when I bring it up. She rolls her eyes and says she is "over it, shut up about it, already!") the love I have for her in my heart, seems to be immortal, timeless, and truly compassionate. It could be, in her journey through the eons, she has become lost... And in our love-dance, I am, perhaps, the man who can guide her back to the light.