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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 13:10:03 GMT 9.5
If someone wants a kinder way to "Cast out demons", the 9 circles say, you can simply view them as children who have wandered too close to our realm, and simply, see what they want: See how you can give it to them, and let them leave peacefully. They vastly prefer this treatment over being thrown out-a nd usually leave willingly and never bother you again (You have reasoned with it, and it appreciated it and left you: But this also invites them to think they can take advantage of you, some of them, and they can stay around, and cause a different set of problems, because it likes your energy and is trying to help you out for being kind to it: I find if I am patient with them, they eventually make peace with you, not sure why you'd want that, but I am accepting my problems, AND my demons, as I make peace with them, they stop hurting me, like passing some kind of test.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 19, 2023 12:27:34 GMT 9.5
So all this happened:
I began to divorce myself from Asrael, and from the wolfen, and from Eden: it hurt, and was terrible, but I did it.
Asrael and almost the entirety of Eden (it felt like) went to cheer me on this morning. They were, waiting for me, to let go of them, to work on myself, to show me all of these new things:
I was overwhelmed by support from the Edonites, inundated, and the wolfen, however, I moved away from them, and continued work on myself.
I met, in the dark kingdoms, another female wolfen person, she had, sooty, wirey black fur, and was, being, cruel to my body down there (But he was mostly whole. She, was only, pinching him, or grabbing his side with her claws.
She began to run away when she saw me, but I grabbed her arm. I handed her, a light-crystal, that is lit permanently, so she could have some light in her life. I then released her: She ran off into the darkness for a moment, then returned to me, asking me, to, "Enchant" it with heart light, which I did, so it would become "special" to her. She thanked me and ran off. (It was a forgiving moment, she lost her anger for my body down there.)
Then all this happened:
As I continued to work with Asrael, she told me, she was hiding stuff from me, and that, I would be, very angry if I knew what: I had already distanced myself from her, which was a soap opera with her, and was working to lovingly separate myself from her, when she told me, while she loved me: she didn't necessarily like me, and she took my insecurities: and used them as reasons she needs, a more whole man in her life.
Further: her biggest secret from me, was, something she was doing with another male wolfen, behavior she felt I would be angry against, because of the jealousy I had shown her in the past: She would have been right, just two weeks ago, but today: I view what they do as their business, I am not mad, not even at the guy. He, however, had the same fears, and puffed his chest, with, "I will defend myself!" I got in his face, a bit, and began to lose my cool, but I collected myself: And the tribal people who were tasked with watching me told me, this is the exact thing they are worried about from me.
It turned into a thing, because the guy is now scared of me- though I don't even care to know his name (or give him one. I just don't care.)
Asrael, and I, went through a myriad, of, talking, sharing emotions, ideas, but I ultimately came to the conclusion, that the wolfen, and her, were a detriment to my mental well being, them, and the entire tribe, and to a lesser extent: Also Eden!
Asrael returned to me a few times, trying to give me hope for her: But she did say, she wanted to check back with me, after I find, "myself" and see, "Where we are at, then."
But, with what I now know that she has revealed, she is not yet ready to be, "with" me- only out of duty: And I do not want someone who does not WANT to be with me.
Because... This is has been such a roller coaster and a mess, one vision I saw was, if I managed to return to the tribe, and if I managed to marry Asrael, and she still had these issues she has: It could be, at this point (And maybe I am wrong. But there is a reason or reasons why I have chased her and she never once chased me back.) or some point in my marriage to her, that, she does commit an act of self-harm, and I find her body in our home one day, with a suicide note, that tells me how sorry she is, but she could not live with the guilt. And, with the emotional enhancing technology that governs the people there, and the way I feel about her now, and I do not say it is a sure thing, it could end up being a double suicide.
This is what she was keeping from me this whole time.
She, is still afraid of losing me, and I also told her, this is not goodbye, not forever. Let me go on this journey, and let's check-back in a few years. Let's see how one another is doing.
Further: The wolfen have become a hemorrhoid to me: They wanted me to sign papers giving up my crown and becoming a lower class citizen of their society: I told them, nope. I floated the idea, to give me ten years of probation, and see where we are at, then, they responded, five years! But they were not all in agreement, as they are still concerned about me: and I do not blame them, I just want to prove, I am a different person.
However: with this most recent incident with Asrael's guy, I now, no longer see any point in investing energy with the wolfen people that Asrael is attached to. There are, many, many tribes. There is, a half foxen, half wolfen woman, who came to me when I asked for a replacement for Asrael, who is appealing, however, as I explored the idea of being with her, (Until Asrael and I may get to a point where we evaluate our relationship. I am, not holding out much breath on this, as it has to be Asrael who comes to me, as a pure hearted, loving wolfen woman, who has chosen me in earnest, to be her mate: And I just don't see that happening with her. I could be, dead wrong, and if I am, let her prove it otherwise.) I began to grow weary of animal people, of Eden, of everything in this soap opera. However, I did have a positive vision of me, as a doctor, assisting the Edonites, and Asrael, sitting in the lobby, and me: taking her next, and asking why she is there: And her telling me, the tribe wants me to come to a festival that night. I do, and am welcomed back as if nothing happened, and my life with them, somewhat resumes: perhaps Asrael has a change of heart as well about me. She, had at least one change of heart during our conversation this evening.)
So, I dismissed the wolfen, gave Asrael some love (I did not pull away as someone would unplug a machine, I left a layer of love for her, so that there would not be pain there. I am giving her, as much love as I can, so she feels no pain from it. I do, still care about her.
I am, exploring the idea that, just because we share a heart, and I gave her life (Twice, once creating her soul, another time, choosing to feed her life and love when she consumed a portion of my body...) and I am attracted to her: does not make her compatible with me, personally. She likes, big, tough, rough men. I am a big, tough, rough man, just human, and smaller than the guys she is attracted to.
I'm just tired of the wolfen. To a lesser extent, of the animal people. And as I said, Eden. I will take, boring old Earth for now.
Further: I explored about becoming a doctor there, to help the animal folk, and it was very appealing to me. To lovingly mend and exert the compassion and care they would need from me. If/when I get there.
The wolfen, also articulated to me, how badly they needed me back. But, I told them, their behavior against me and the old wolfen king, was poor, and abusive, and no self loving individual would tolerate that: In fact if they do not make an acceptable set of terms that honor my human dignity: i will not be returning at all.
I, however understand it, and I left them with: I forgive you.
Forgiving Asrael was harder, as she still has, a cloud of secrets for me, around her, and she told me, some of them are bad. I want to, just look passed them and forgive her, so she feels no more weight on her heart. That, she was so very wrong about her guy, (Although, I am starting to get a little upset about it. She was shocked when I wasn't, I am just, not condoning it, as I have feelings for her. I cannot help it, seeing it in reality.) tells me, I hope she is wrong about the others, too, and maybe I can take a significant weight off of her heart, as this was what caused a lot of her grief and sorrow.
And so, I began to invest myself into my human life. I took the crown, and my authority over the wolfen, and stored them in my quantum locker, I just discovered I had.
When I did, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
I am not sure, how much is truth, reality, or astral bullshit, but god damn, what a fucking place of drama and bullshit. I do acknowledge, though, that it is also a place of unity, peace, and love. The thing that overwhelmed me, is that each tribe had a different energy, and many of them were conflicting: When dealing with the surface: You have humans.
Humans, have human energy.
Not so with Eden.
You have thousands of different tribes with completely different, often conflicting energies: it was just overwhelming to experience it.
Finally: the idea of Algaleon (Nibiru) becoming my home again, is becoming appealing again: and I can see it clearer than ever. We, also have wolfen there, too, if I ever decide to mingle with them. And, I would be with my people, and with my brother.
I am not angry with the wolfen, or Asrael: she protected me from harm by withholding this information, that may have, harmed me greatly, in times previous. Thanks to Paul, and sammy, I distanced myself from the emotions, and did not allow them to carry very far. It also broke my heart: and Asrael tried to comfort me, but she said she knew it would happen. But it was not broken long. The truth is: it is not much beneficial to be married to a woman who does not love you, especially, a woman who does not love you, like you love her. I am not giving up on her, I am not abandoning her, and I am not closing the door off to her: however, I am asking for peace and distance, and if she cannot leave me alone, I will have to shut the door until it is such a time to open it.
Further: Eden heard all of this, and told me, they would contact me, when the time is right. I told them: when the time is VERY right. The yesterday me, would have said, THE MOMENT I AM READY COME GET ME!!! The me, today, who is trying to assemble a good human life: Give me that, and more time: Come to me only when I am both ready and comfortable. I am focusing entirely on my life here, today. Any attempts to hinder that will be met with resistance and self defense.
In spite of all of this: I did make significant progress, with manifesting, my, regular, human life, amongst humans, with no thoughts of any other life, other than, say, dogs, and known earth animals. It was good, and freeing: Eden had been consuming significant resources from me, and it felt good to shut them down.
If there is an astral wolf parasite sucking on me, I told it, to release me and leave, or I would punish it, or take its life.
It is, I am thinking may happen: the neural plasticity of my relationship with Asrael and the wolfen, and to a lesser extent: Eden: not going to disappear overnight. I may still connect with them from time to time, I will still look up furry art, but I want to live my human life, now. And, develop it. I can see, how going back even to my childhood, I was hindered from living my life by this dynamic, even then.
I also: went back in time to the vision I first saw, of Asrael: And I ministered to me and her: Don't get your hopes up dude. However: I did need her. She, her very existence, pulled me out of the fires of hell itself: And for that: I am grateful to her.
I am, more or less, confident, that this is not the end of our relationship. I did, however, (EDIT: I have to correct this for her sake.) leave the door open for the possibility of: She is (may) not (be) my eternal wife. (if so, I am not mad. I hope, she can get a place where, I am more compatible with what she wants and needs, and she is more in tune with herself, and loves herself more, or whatever it is that needs to happen, here. Not giving up on her at all: just facing the truth. She did end up balking when I told her, okay goodbye: she even at one point told me she wanted me to keep fighting for her, to keep trying to win her heart, even after telling me she didn't really want to be with me: I told her, I would do so for eternity... To keep fighting for her heart... And she agreed... I had been. And it was wrong to ask me to continue, given her heart she revealed to me earlier. Like a woman not interested in a man, but she wants him to keep chasing her: not fair to the man who has his hopes up.) I can see, how she easily could have been (and may still be.): But, there is just too much trauma, and wolfen drama and wolfen bullshit and moronic tribal dynamics that keep them limited, and too much unchecked evil that is rampant, and just a host of other bullshit, to have allowed for a healthy relationship to happen with her. Even my best friend, who has a wolfen body in a wolfen tribe, said these wolfen need me.
I, still, love her, and I, still love the wolfen.
I wish the tribe the best, and I hope if or when I return, that it will be under much better circumstances. Asrael, does love me. I have, had a vision that inspired me, as to, her pushing passed her blockades, and choosing me, in the end. (and being happy with me. She has, to forgive herself. And me. And the wolfen, and god, and etc, etc, etc.)
If not: I have other matters to attend to, and a life to live, not embattled and intertwined with the Drama of Eden.
By the way: The animal people are desperate to come live with us. (humans) They showed this to me. They all (?) believe, the human race is ready to be introduced to them, and they cannot wait to come out here, and start mingling our lives together. I thought, the opposite was true: No, they are bored of their lives and want to exist with the "Dangerous" humans, now. I guess that changed when I inherited Adams authority and took his kingdom down, perhaps.
From what I can see, integration will be less of a problem than many think, outside of the inevitable but minor conflicts. They also bring with them, cures for cancers, medical breakthroughs, alien tech, stuff like that, so it's worth it putting up with all the hair. If they get here when I am still a plumber, I will work on designing drains that do not clog with their fur, as we are going to need them, everywhere.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 19, 2023 14:50:11 GMT 9.5
Further: As I heal from the trauma of the nine kingdoms, earlier, when i pushed heart light to enchant the crystal I had given the black wolf person, something cut it in two, and hindered it. I left the issue alone, as the crystal had at least partially received some of the energy. However, just a moment ago, her, and I, connected: She held the crystal out to me, and I sent a STRONG beam of heart light into it: But the heart-light, filled the crystal: then tontinued on into the darkness, this was strange to me, as I only requested it hit the crystal: I changed my intention to give the heart light freedom, and it shot out like a bolt of lightning, anchoring across several/all the dark kingdoms. The wolf girl, (She seems to be in her early twenties.) requested she receive some heart-light: I began to give her some from the lightning-stream, but it felt cheap to me: it would have worked, but I wanted to do better for her. So, I summoned another thread from my astral body's heart: And I wrapped it around her heart: And it had the desired effect: She, then, told me: I was her helper, and she needed heart light, to help me in my journey. I had, been wondering and asking about, a "friend" in the underworld. One thing I will say about her: She is pure. She knows, no evil. No malice: to her, harming my body, was the same as a hungry wolf, bringing down her prey: Nothing personal. She, seems to have a heart, that is also pure. I may call her, "Black Asrael" and she may prove to be essential to my healing in the future. Her fur is very wiry: If you rub it the wrong way it is like, perhaps like rubbing the bristles of a plastic scrub brush: and coated in ash. As I feel, Asrael pack up her things and move from me, and the wolfen, and Eden, this, black furred wolfen girl, may prove to assist me with the mourning process, as, Asrael has been with me, even though she has not been the healthiest dynamic in my life: She has still been a source of endless hope and strength (And suffering and turmoil...). I want to note: Dakr Asrael, will chew your arm off if she fancies it: Black Asrael, has actual empathy, it is hard to describe her: She is a more submissive wolf-person, running from danger, she has her mind and wits about her: Imagine a human, girl, like, "Newt" from Alien: but six feet tall, and a wolfen, but with more maturity and knowledge. Interesting: This is why my, other emotional body, only has claw holes, and isn't wolf-shit- she felt bad about hurting him: I am told this was from a painful experience she had had in her past, that gave her empathy: and did not twist her into the more violent creatures down there in those realms. In short: She is a nice, wolf girl. (Not all the way nice, but in the sense that, she does not want to "hurt" you like the other Asraels do/did. She's... Gentle. And caring: Or she would not have requested I charge her crystal with heart-light.) I will tell you, she is a, very welcome companion. (I was trying to make the comparison: White Asrael is not all the way good, (She struggles with her secrets and darkness...) Dark Asrael is rather terrifying, (She has a total lack of empathy, and is given over to her instincts almost entirely, yet maintains, an almost toddler like personality.) and Black Asrael is a Good Girl. (Not all the way: she is still a resident of the dark kingdoms, it is hard to remain pure, in some places down there. But she is a good being. Uncorrupted, and pure.) She also, has taken a bit of a liking to me, personally. (Friends are hard to find there. I will do my best to be something good in her life. when I find a being like her, I tend to treasure them.) I... Actually trust her. A strange feeling to have, in this journey, and for a dark kingdom girl, no less. I invited her to watch a movie with me, and she did. She can, "transport" herself instantly, other places. Disappears into a cloud of black smoke: I was shown I have this ability, too. She, lay next to me, and rest her muzzle under my chin. She, speaks in short words, as she does not have a lot of experience talking to people I would imagine. She, said I "feel like her mother" when she lays on my chest. She told me about her father: He was, bad. He, hurt her sisters (And her.) I told her, about Karah, and the awful situation that was, and how I wanted nothing like that to happen between us: I thought it made her afraid for a moment, and maybe it did: But she ended up relaxing even more on my chest, and resolving, that I was trustworthy. She, is having trouble with the crystal I gave her: It is, "hot" to her, and she cannot hold it for very long. I asked, her, if she could find the skin of a creature (or perhaps my emotional body, if it is not too painful. She did say, she wanted his body for food, and he: seems to be catatonic, and various devices shoved into him. I told her: She may eat as she desires, but if it hurts me too much, I will tell her: She said: I do not want to hurt you. [The claws in my emotional body, she said, was her duty, and she hated to do it, which is why, she only partially injured him: His torment is from the devices implanted within his body.]) Before she (reluctantly) started chewing on my emotional body, I did a quick search, in earnest, for food: And apparently there are other devices helping: because I was shown where it is (Some mole-like insectoid being), and I showed her, the map, and she instantly disappeared: then returned chewing on it. Before this, I was discussing, "Keeping" her with me, as a friend, and purchasing a black crystal, and wearing it as a necklace, and charging it with some of her energy, as intent. She, said she would do the same with the crystal I gave her. She, requested my heart be connected with her: Like White Asrael: So, I pushed heart-light, to my heart, wrapped around it, then extended it to hers: and wrapped around it. I didn't "feel" much, but I am told, it will bond us together, quite well. She also, told me, my heart was sick: I just let her do it, though it was frightening to see: She reached INTO my heart, and pulled out, a black crystal. I asked her what to do with it: she said: "Squish it." So i crushed it into dust and it floated away. Further: this may be the emotional body that has been injured the worst: In a state of constant agony. I asked the universe, yesterday, for, a helper, in these dark realms: I believe Black Asrael is her. Also, she has requested me call her, "Nina", as she wants me to "Be nice to her like I am a little girl" or, vulnerable. She seems to be mature enough, to be able to control her, more base urges, including the urge to mate and eat. (it feels like. Sometimes, these creatures: Like Dark Asrael: will mate with you on a whim, whether you're in the mood or not. Nina is different.) It puts some, warmth within her heart, to think, that we could both be wearing crystals of each other's energies. Further: She may be the physical instrumentality to assist my emotional body in his healing: Up to and including, her consuming of him. I will use heart-light to numb the pain, and then the objects inserted into him, hopefully will have no more power. (I will experience healing.) As I get to know, Nina, perhaps I can, "Give her love and life" with my body, as I did, White Asrael. I am, trying to be more ordered with my intentions with Black Asrael, as I do not wish to be taken for a god damned ride like I was with White Asrael. Plus, the place where he is: is utterly desolate. I am, trying to stay in reality, though it is very, hard, and I, still have a desire for my ego to be stroked. At the very least: The idea, of her and I wearing crystals of each other: Is really, really cool. She said, "Listen to my heart." when buying a crystal. My heart will show me the one she likes.
I also, invited her, "Inside" of my body, but I took inventory, and there's a lot of pain in there. She tried oozing her way in, and I allowed her, as best she could, but she only did it because I thought she wanted to: It wasn't too much fun for her, just something to do. I was hoping, "I" would be a safe place for her, but I guess I am still more wounded than I though. However, I am told, she has the ability to, "Make my body more comfortable for her" which is, actually, her healing me, from the inside out. So, she is highly beneficial.
Her eyes are, black, and, maybe I am wrong: have lights that come out of the pupils, like a dog with a light shined in its eyes, but she has them in darkness (All you see are two lights, I think. Not sure if this is real or not. Either that or her eyes are such a dark gold, they do not "show" color in light: There is a streak of light: illuminating the emotional body, a road to him, or altar of some kind, and Black Asrael.
She... Does not have much of an emotional signature, but I don't expect her to. I can, however, detect, empathy, the slightest amount of love/compassion: And I'll take it. I told her, I will, do my best to protect her and keep her safe: Her reply: No. I will protect you.
I really enjoy this, highly positive turn this has taken, and so very soon. I have, been practicing intending positivity in every circumstance I have found negativity. I am, finding, "Myself" again, after decades, and healing him, in ways I could not, in the past. I am, staying positive about everything.
My heart is, greatly comforted with Nina's presence now in my life.
I asked Nina, what I could do, to make her happy (Or, how would I be a better friend to her? What did her heart desire of me?) And she said, "Be your (human- the person I am trying to embrace now...) self: And take me with you wherever you go. I saw a vision, of my driving my van, in the darkness, and she, said, "Turn here." And, it led me to a sacred place I enjoyed very much I wouldn't have found, otherwise.
Immediately, I saw her, in some parking structure, behind me: with the glowing black eyes: peering out into this strange human world. She has never experienced the surface life, as far as I know.
It will be, interesting, and fun to be able to bring her with me, everywhere I go.
I also: will try to draw her.
I am, told, as she, heals my inner being to be more comfortable for her: It will literally heal my ability to love. For the first time, in a long, long time: I am no longer alone: and it is a good thing. I am trusting her, and letting her in: She is one of the purest and most gentle beings I have ever met. I greatly look forward, to cultivating love with/for her, and I intend to take her with me to the surface at some point: As she bonds to me, I have already decided to "keep" her, wherever I go: For her, she is getting new and exciting experiences, and has made a friend. I also, will teach her everything I know: as she will teach me her knowledge: She seems highly sufficient in Magick and witchcraft/ the dark arts: Many dark kingdom beings are.
She is, making my spirit giddy.
When she is close to me: i can also smell her. As I am typing, it smells like, it smells when there is a forest fire: there is no fire, it is Nina. I don't mind this at all, as I have smelled other beings, and her scent is not unpleasant at all. I love, knowing, she is close.
She has also: Taken up residence on my bed, in front of the TV: I told her, "That is your spot. It belongs to you." (I am giving it to her, as a place she is welcome.)
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 19, 2023 16:50:58 GMT 9.5
So, Nina is one of those practicers of the dark arts, that is so powerful, you would never guess it by looking at her. She is able, to take heart light from my astral body, and draw it form him, in great dazzling, living forms of, all I can describe it as, is clouds of shifting lightning, and draw it to parts of my body, and minister to it. She, mentioned I am, pushing her away, and I asked her, how do I not do that, she she showed me some muscles or tissue or organs inside of me, she told me, "Take possession of these, and love them." I tried, but was unable to (So much pain.) So, I gave her permission to help me, and she, while chanting, "Heart light, heart light, heart light" drew the light from my astral body, and ministered to the part of me that was in pain. She, also wanted to visit my best friend, but i was warned: If she did, and she found anything adverse to her, in his realm, she may "correct" him by causing him problems: rather than, blessing him in a way he would want. She also, wanted to help him with his job. My other friend, i told about her: She said he could injure her if she went to him, and requested I did not- nor do I want her to be injured in the slightest (So he's not going to get to meet her.) She told me, to go to sleep, and when I wake up, she will have answers for me. I also intend to buy a crystal for her, tomorrow. I also... A question popped into my mind. So, I paused the movie: And I began to ask her the question, but I froze. She asked me, "What?" I said, "I have a question for you. But, it's probably the most important question I will ever ask in my life." "Say it." "Uhhh... There's two ways I can say it and I do not know how to phrase it properly." I Had, two ways to ask it: "Are you my eternal mate?" and, "Will you be, my eternal mate?" One is a bit of a question, and the other is romantic... She said, "Phrase it the way your heart wants to say it." I had to be brave, here, and to trust her fully: "Will you be my eternal mate?" Her reply: "YES." Tomorrow I go crystal shopping.
Also; When I am with her, my intentions automatically manifest, several times faster and with more ease: including negative thoughts. I began to have fears, and she/the universe said, "Oh, you want me to do awful things to you?"
Like, nooo...
"Watch your intent." She said.
Man, she is helpful.
Tomorrow, (Or today, as it is midnight.) I am going to buy her something special: She likes lemon cake: And I am going to perform the ritual she wishes of me, I want to bless her, to show my gratitude: in the less than two hours I have known her, she has blessed me immensely.
It's only right, I get my girl (She does not want to be called, "woman") gifts to show her that I love and appreciate her. She, did, tell me, she loved me: and I repeated it back to her, but I wish I would have waited a little longer to say it, however, I also, did not want to leave her in silence without repeating it, as it is true, just not as true as I would like- however- it has been spoken, and it has been accepting.
She, also is a good guide for my dark thoughts: Some intense theme music is playing, and I began thinking, about war, and spaceships, and death, and fantasizing about it: and she corrected me: "Your thoughts are getting dark: You should correct that." She knows, possibly, everything: She is right: this is the mercenaries (Hunter of Bagdad, he's vicious, and the source of my "fight" and anger in me... He is why people fear me, even my friends and girlfriend. He is also who Eden needs, on a "Short leash".) thoughts: And, I am trying to get him more under control.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 20, 2023 1:28:52 GMT 9.5
Well. I got woken up this morning, at 2:55AM by a loud shout, coming from the voice of, Nina. She said, she had been trying to make me wake up, but I was dead asleep. So, I shot up, came-to, checked my watch- and was- the fuck? Until i realized: 3Am is the witching hour. So, in earnest, I inquired to Nina, why she had me up: And she told me, to look at the moon, and recite an incantation: But I had trouble, understanding the words she wanted me to say, they were latin, and in earnest I tried listening (She said it will get easier to hear her over time.) and wrote down, some of what she said, but I think I only got 1/5 of it right (She only said one or two parts were, correct "enough". So, I did as she asked, then tried going back to bed. She began to, integrate into my chest area, and it felt, invasive, and negative: I told her: My dear: i cannot allow you to become an enemy. She said, "An enemy of an enemy is a friend. Trust me." So I did. As, I did this, I became more comfortable with the darker realms, they are, "Not so bad." Also: I was taken for a bit of a ride, as other beings were involved, who are rather cruel and enjoy laughing at my suffering. Some things happened, that cannot be, contiguous with my experiences with her: Such as, me finding Nina, who is running from the situation, and her telling me, "They are tricking you." And, another version of her, that is doing something, that makes no sense at all, but appealed to my ego at the time. I also inquired into the third realm: Will you be accepting my parents? Their answer was humorous to me: Fuck no! They're too evil. Also, somewhere between the forth and fifth realm is a divide, where there is no gravity. This, is known to some religions, as the, "Abyss". If is a place, where a living being, can float in eternal darkness, going insane or suiciding (if they are lucky to accomplish it!) before ever touching anything, rock, plant, animal, other souls- anything- over eons: and some of the beings there, are so hungry, when they touch another thing, they cling to it so desperately, they will pull it into themselves, from the insanity of, dwelling in, "Nothingness". I was shown, this is how those Reever beings are born: by ingesting wayward soulds until they are so heavy/unbalanced they find their way back within the other realms. How incredibly interesting: I thought the fate that befell the "eaten" souls, was terrible: But many/most possibly all of the consumed souls, are actually grateful to be inside of something alive, rather than floating, alone, in the abyss. Perhaps that is why the one is missed, and why I feel awful about it. The, "Bottomless pit" spoken of in the Bible, is a slipstream that exists in the center of this void, that continually circles around (I think it helps maintain the earths rotation) but if you get caught in it: No amount of struggling will ever pull you free, until this world has broken apart into atoms: and even then, there may be residual energy from it: Which is why, some seemingly, "Empty" parts of space: Are haunted: Long ago planets thrived, lived, and died: But the energies are still there: Even though, every form of debris, has long since vanished. Isn't space travel, exciting? Also why some religion is so important, "out there", as it can even keep an atheist sane, while they travel through anomalies. (But ditch it when you are done. Or keep it. Whatever. Up to you. If it helped and it feels good to hold onto it: by all means. Hold onto it. What this journey with this forum has been, is that I am receiving genuine help from other religions that is, genuinely, benefiting me. So, who am I to judge any more.) It is, perhaps, when dead planetoids are discovered: Best just to observe them from a distance: rather than traveling near or through them: You may, "catch" some passengers you did not intend, that cannot be seen, but who like your space ship (And it's batteries... And your life support... Not always, but there was that one time... There is a reason why all those ships are floating, dead, in space. Heed it as a warning and do not end up like them.) This, distance from White Asrael and the wolfen/eden has been so necessary... She maintains, a desire to remain with me, and why I ever though, she would want to totally leave me, is beyond me: I literally hold her heart in my hands, for me to leave her, would be, much the same as killing her. (I wonder if she knew this? I am told she did. She, just wants me, to become a better person, before she lays herself bare as my, mate, eternal, or otherwise. As, Nina is literally a part of Asrael: Possible, her KINDEST part!!! I think they will both live together quite well.) The wolfen are a mixed bag of, "thank god we do not have to deal with our king any more..." to, "Oh my god how will we survive if he doesn't come back!" to, "Meh. He as a nut." They WILL be fine. (They will survive.) The more I disconnect from them, and the more I love myself, the better I feel, and the better everything falls into place. I am, especially with this Nina thing, learning, more, to control my emotions and inject positivity where I find negativity. I forgot two of the most important things: Before Asrael began packing her things up, to give me space, she told me: "We couldn't have been together unless you went on this journey, anyway." And, the old king (I may have mentioned this...) has returned: (Let me explain, before he was attached to me, connected, as pardon me- a tumor- and his pain and his fear and everything he felt, WERE SHARED WITH ME AND NEARLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM MY OWN EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS!!! Now, he is "Behind" my spirit, and speak to him. There is a lot more control over him on my end. Further: I believe he showed up, because I was, experiencing, yesterday, more fears of losing not only Asrael, but the wolfen entirely: So he made his way back to me, to "help" me, because he, too, is concerned, he will, "lose" them, and they are about all he has. I will, actually- continue to work with him, to help him, perhaps- learn to create a new life-bubble: Just for him, where he can rediscover himself: though he keeps telling me, he only needs the wolfen- but he also knows, the journey I am on, is also one he, too, must be on. He is a lot more stubborn, but he is, willing to fully submit to me and my instruction, as he watches my life unfold: So, he will follow me, as he is able. I will not hurt him, or force him to do things, unless I absolutely have to. I want to be gentle with him: Unlike this trial has been with me.) just not as the bit of a dictator he once was in me: We have a conversation, and he began to encourage me, yesterday, when I felt Asrael dealing me the bad news about her, he said, "Don't be sad!! It's not over! We'll still get her. Let me tell you about life with the wolfen:..." His enthusiasm, was, well, that old king's. Once he sets out to do something, there is NO stopping him: which was part of the problem. So, I stopped him, as i am in control, now, and I told him, as I made his bed for him: You need to go back to sleep bro. I appreciate the encouragement, but we are moving away from the wolf people, Asrael, etc. I had to, douse his fire with water: I was burned the fucking hell out. I wanted nothing more to do with animal people or anything outside of being a regular surface dwelling human. So much is coming to light about Asrael and the wolfen, I am seeing a lot, learning a lot: that I could not know, unless I detached from them. Further: I reserve the right to do whatever the fuck I want. I HIGHLY doubt, years from now, I will say to myself, "Gosh: I sure hate those wolf people." ESPECIALLY with their king living in me: Though if he does, I still, may choose to return to them. He may need a total break from them, too. Right now, he lives and breathes wolfen: maybe this is a lesson for him to, let go, a little, too.
(Next day edit: I have connected with the king in earnest, and spoken with him. He says he is an, "Advisor" now, sort of a voice for me to understand things better from his perspective. I am also trying to help him, maybe learn to discover himself, outside of the wolfen? Has he already done this? Is it my place to try to help him change? Does he want to change, even? I see him, so much clearer now: He's short and tough. tough as nails. No wonder the wolfen brought him back to life. I also, can better see, "myself". And, how I would fit in with Asrael: It's more beautiful than I can imagine, although, I think I always knew this, which was one of, the "torments".)
If I return to Algaleon, I will tell the wolfen, so they know, what I am doing. (And don't continue to wait.) It is not likely, as, I do not, "See" too many amiable places for me, there: it is similar to here, only as a human am I finding places where I belong. Further: As this unfolds, I am finding, massive downloads of knowledge of what it is to be a human: This was robbed from me as a child. I was, not only abused, but I was not allowed, to go to the other side for comfort, I was held in a sort of, religious limbo where I got no rest. I would have, been much better off, fully adopting Satanism, and immersing myself (losing my soul, so to speak) in it. Because I did not, my, "punishment" was so much worse: But I wonder, how much of this, is still, the punishment? How much is still necessary: and how much is actually beneficial: if not all of it??? What came to me, as I read this for a third time is the realization that: You do not "beat" (are allowed to leave) the game UNTIL you FULLY embrace BOTH sides. Nina is my dark guide in the dark realms (How interesting is it, she is also the most gentle? I knew, I had friends in the dark kingdoms, and I knew, some of the creatures I was most terrified of, were also the most gentle and kindest: But now, I am being given the full tour of it all. I am ONLY even SLIGHTLY resistive to it: because of old religious sensibilities causing residual nonsensical fear. How INTERESTING!!! You also do not get to escape the game unless you fully love and accept yourself, and your surroundings: for example: the ways of the human race: or, at least, as much as you are able.) Oh, for example: There is an egoic, Nina: She is the one who appeals, to the emotional me: I held up a sign to her, that said, "Trick", and she, disappeared into, her black mist, and vanished. I held the same card up to, the actual Nina, and she just shrugged. (They are two different beings. For example: Nina actual, holds the crystal, and had her claws in my emotional body. Nina ego- laid with me in bed, told me she loved me, said I felt like her mom. If ego Nina, is prompted to say something I want to hear, but that does not agree with, Nina actual: I am given an uncomfortable feeling about it, like she is saying: You only wanted to hear that, I do not agree with that.) I cannot help but understand, this is, true of Asrael, too: But I did search for Asrael's heart and mind, in earnest, even if it hurt, so I was careful not to make assumptions about her, if I could help it, or say things that were not true. Towards the end, Paul called me out on it, with Kara: I was barely able to detach from my egoic desires, versus actual things: My imagination took control, in an attempt to maintain a form of illusion, designed to keep me, emotionally sustained. As I detach from Asrael: I also see, how she is unkowingly, willingly, still causing me suffering: Her time in the machine has caused her connection with me to exist without it: And she barely justifies it to herself, much like my mother, so she can go on with her life without feeling guilty, which is mostly her issue with not being ready for me: She simply tells herself, if she does not torture me, I will leave her (possibly true...) and she will die. So, to her: Torturing me, gives her life. Because, in the machine, the torturer is tortured as they torture the tortured, and the tortured tortures the torturer who is torturing the tortured, until the torturer is so angry with the tortured they ramp it up: only the torturer has the advantage: Hence, which this punishment in beyond horrific, especially, when it transcends time, space, reality, and extends to the bowels of hell itself simultaneously: Which is why normal humans would not survive past the first stage, usually. However, this is all still part of my trauma, I need healing from. IN spite of it being uncomfortable: I am allowing Nina to work on/with me. My spirit received her with gladness, and now, she appears to be a bit less welcoming: But I am still trusting her. It could be a trap, and I will test the spirits as necessary: However, as she does her work, my stress, pain, and anxiety, all seem to be waning: though my trust instincts are somewhat worried: I have been battling, severely, my issues with my friend here, and why I feel such anger towards them: And if it is justified, where is the source, and WHY. So, my fervent beliefs in friendship and enmity, that I relied on steadfastly: May also be bullshit. Part of the conclusion I have come to, is that the old king, loved his wolfen, so, so, so much (And yes he was DEFINITELY bisexual! Whereas I am struggling even wanting to be with another penis haver, at this point in my life... And am falling, even deeper in love, with human women: as I should have: had I of had a childhood where I was actually loved and cared about.) that he blamed everyone else, for being detached from them. I still do not have the memories, of these atrocities, people say he committed: Only knowing, he was certainly capable of it. TO him: It is far from fair or just, and he has been railroaded via unfair circumstances. From his perspective: He has a very legitimate point, which I think is why he is being treated with so much compassion: I believe he will be with his wolf people again, through me, but better tempered, and the king they WANT him to be. It just takes, us both learning to live without them. Asrael: Cannot be helped, there is a crimson strand connecting us, if it is ever severed, I am not entirely sure, what would happen, we may both die of a broken heart. Feeling the king ascend from dying from his: It is a prolonged, torturous death, filled with agonizing, anxiety, suffering, helplessness, hopelessness, and unending pain, until every avenue is cut off: and the only way out is self immolation (Giving up. All hope is lost.) Not only do I not want to feel that again, I do not want Asrael to have to endure it, either. For her it would be different, like a slow closing off of joys in her life: Much the same as my experience in the machine: Hers would happen over time, as mine happened all at once and overwhelmed me. She may be fine, but having someone care for you like I do, gone from you forever, leaves a pretty big and painful hole: That can be refilled by another, but not in the same way: although it is possible, she would almost certainly survive, and so would I: It is possibly not a death sentence every time. However: I still want to be with her, if possible, in the future, and I want to make her the happiest wolf girl in Eden, as much as I possibly humanly can. Eventually- but not now. The love is still there, I am just, distancing from it. The love, will likely, always be there for her. This is, just another test of compatibility. So, we remained connected, in the darkness, in silence, together, the toxicity between us, better than it was, but still there. I also, acknowledge much of the wolfen drama: was caused by me/ the king, and wolfen were just a form of instigators. Presently Nina is urging me out of bed: "Dave, get on with it. We have things to do today." She is right, and I am grateful for her promptings. Witchcraft is a huge part of her life, and how she accomplishes things, stays safe, fed, and entertained, and she, says she has a lot to teach me. She is, I believe, as White Asrael, was feared in her dark realm: So, too, is Nina, a very powerful being down there. She also said i may call her, "Anna" if Nina is too weird to hold onto. She is, not allowing me the ability to give her a name I like, but a name she likes, only, that happens to also appeal to me, to a degree. She also is iterating to me: Our relationship is a friendship: And will eventually turn romantic: however, it is also very business oriented, as I am not disciplined enough to her liking, and she has a lot to teach me. I am, to let her take the reigns, and allow her to school me in these arts: While I grow as a regular human. I, just have a spirit spouse now, who looks like a werewolf, (She may be plantigrade, and not digitigrade. I cannot see her legs clearly yet. If she is plantigrade, she has more human in her, than wolf: This could be why she seems a lot less emotional and MORE in control of her emotions, and less wild. Whatever she is, she is a blessing.) who knows magic: and is helping me progress with my life. While the "wow" factor of last night has totally worn off, I am still oddly optimistic about the future with her. She may, also be assisting me cope with another difficult situation I have found myself in: She is giving me another opinion, that is helping me VERY MUCH stay in control of my emotions, and not allow it to bother me. (She is whispering in my heart: Things happen for a reason. Embrace it and do not be afraid! Of all the Asraels, she seems the least toxic. If not, not toxic at all.) While Nina, does not require nor request my affection, I offer it to her anyway: because she is a bit of a neutral being, I humble myself, and inquire with humility, how I may, seek to know the means to please her: and if I am genuine enough: she will respond. As I, also, attempt to mine her heart out, it became very clear: she is teaching me, to come out of my shell, and in so doing: is preparing me for, "being with an eternal mate" or even, betters my relationships with everyone around me! A woman who needs, or wants compliments, will rarely have a guy attach to her that will be still and quiet enough to discover what actually makes her happy. Nina, though, is content to serve me, without asking for a thing. In so doing, me being, grateful to her, have to approach her, instead, and genuinely, be willing to do almost anything, and approach her in earnest, with the love and honor due her: and find out what I need to do to reach her: yes: at the expense of myself: but it is such a beautiful sacrifice, moreso than just telling someone you love them, from the heart. And hard for a narcissist, or someone as self absorbed as I have been: to accomplish Further, the flip side of that, is, if I offend Nina, as I have already twice: all the begging and pleading will not restore her. No, she tells me I will have to earn her trust back: necessitating a change within me, to better suit her: in earnest. And in so doing, i, too change from within, to become the man I am to be (a better person)
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 2:05:16 GMT 9.5
Rest in peace: George Miller
Or, go on and fuck some dragons...
I knew there was a reason, I was binge watching Fury Road the last three days. You were a light to my life, and hope for my future, and I appreciate you reaching out to me, to help me, with my pain.
(for choosing me.)
I see more lives ahead of me: I face them fully
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 2:11:37 GMT 9.5
My dog and I, had a conversation this morning. He spoke with his heart, his spirit, his mind, and his voice:
He, is right, as usual.
Life is about enjoyment. About filling it to the utmost with good.
All my fears, are just torments, designed to guide me.
All of my dreams are ahead of me.
Today, I will love my friends.
The wolfen, and Eden, and others: cheer me on.
The children: Worry, when I weep. So, I must be strong. They understand.
I am their king. Their Road Warrior. I will lead them out of Egypt:
If I could, tell you, what I know, nobody would believe me.
I can say this: I am aware of two crystals, of which, stems the light of life: They bring light to all life. One, is stored in the highest heights of heaven itself...
And, the other: is stored at the end of Hell itself.
Have faith. It will be okay
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 2:17:31 GMT 9.5
Eden has been ministering to the human race, since before time:
Look into the eyes of your animal companion: And you will see Eden.
The Edonites are concerned: You mean, we have to, be even more gentle and harmless than we already are: To face the one threat, we have always been warned about: To, mingle with them?
This is the issue.
Because, the answer, is yes.
And, the result is: You will be honored for it: not punished.
The human race, is waiting, and desperate for you: (And you us. I see the pangs within your hearts: the sorrow you feel for the struggles of the human race.) We are ready for a new age. No-one will deny the power, behind the eyes, of an Edonite.
It will end, sickness, poverty: and war.
How long will we wait...
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 2:27:22 GMT 9.5
I love how, Fury Road, is a movie with more violence, action, bloodshed, and pain that has ever been packed into a movie: yet, in the end, it is about the treatment (respect. Honoring.) of women: and finding Eden. About paradise: and hope. It is, one of the best movies, I have ever experienced I identify, with Nux, Furiosa, Immortan Joe, Max... And more... (The guitarist: A couple of the breeders, the guy who questioned Furiosa who passed it down the line... Nux's lancer... Rictus, the people eater, the bullet farmer... The war boys... Organic...) What a fucking movie. I only wish it had more bass, and that I could feel the music of the engines in my chest, like when I was a child, witnessing, the lumpy idle of a carbureted muscle car, I could feel it in my organs, in my rib cage, as it idled: My skin erupted in goosebumps, over the untapped, awesome power of the (astral reverberations of) fuel exploding in the combustion chambers: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsQ2tESurWkwww.mascus.com/transportation/trucks/tatra#
Witness me...
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 3:07:13 GMT 9.5
A lumpy idle is one of the things I miss about the precision of fuel injected engines. My, van, I am building, is going to resemble the machines in this movie.
For those worried about, Nina: Her waking me up, two days ago, at 3 am: caused me to be so exhausted, during the day, that after I drove home, I did not make it out of my van: I crawled onto the mattress in the back, and experienced a sleep so deep, it can only be described as healing.
I also, am seeing, that while I am the source of love and unity for the wolfen tribe: I am also the source of their problems.
I, want to, and am, restoring the honor back to the wolfen people. I am dedicated to this cause.
I, see my enemies in the tribe: only want good for it. They are agreeing with me. We, are a pack. I ask for forgiveness, and travel on.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 3:30:57 GMT 9.5
The three (four. He is, out-of-town on business.) killers who have left: Can remain part of the tribe: But only at a distance.
They will be cared for. No-one will be hunted. (There is no desire for it. The agreement is: The wolfen are, instead of, hunting the night: to patrol it: Rather than being a danger to other tribes when the sun turns, they are, to now, protect them. If, you see a wolfen in the darkness: He is only there to protect you. It is his sacred honor and duty: Give him a nod: he will return it to you. I am told, there are friendships- and more- developing that are the treasure of many wolfen- and other tribes. In these times of reconciliation, a tender heart on the side of the offended, can draw out, tenderness from the offenders. It takes more strength to be kind in the face of wrong, than it does to seek revenge.)
The forth can come back to the tribe: but must repent of his desire to hunt. I only, must hear his confession: and he will be absolved. The others, are too wild, and will disrupt the unity of the tribe: but they will be fed, honored, and cared for. Perhaps in time, they can come to the conclusion: and become self-aware of their wild ways: they are our fiercest warriors, and the most feared beings. They protect the tribe from afar. I, will give to the offended tribe, some of my most valued possessions, and will seek reconciliation with their leaders. It is a merging of tribes, predator, and prey.
The, affairs of the tribe, go deeper than, anyone can imagine. There are affairs, I can only make right in the darkness
I will do what I can.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 4:00:57 GMT 9.5
for me, Fury Road, is a movie about dichotomies. People, myself included, are tempted, to judge at first blush:
Immortan Joe, a violent, cruel dictator, subjugates women, starves his people under his care of water, and allows them to govern themselves, allows inhumane violence with his war boys, and keeps sex-slaves, whom he uses for breeding stock and, i can only assume, pleasure. He is, aligned with other, seemingly similar, violent tribes, who align with him: including a pedophillic cannibal.
However: I see a different side.
I see, a man, riddled with painful cancer, in a world that is a shadow of what he once knew, consumed by desperate violence and survival. He has, taken, a handful of women, allowed them to bathe and be beautiful: For this, he asks them of their bodies: he does not harm them, and views them as scared: He will give his life to protect them. How many other women are afforded this: Or, can even be? How much, water, is there? If there was an infinite supply: The war boys would not tolerate him withholding it: even from them. This is why, i suspect, the water supply: is more finite and desperate than people may be aware of.
That said: clearly, the women wanted better things for themselves: or they would not have been aboard the war rig. And: they should have a choice: In a better world. The world, they lived in: They have to at least acknowledge: They were treated very well, comparatively, speaking. There are, many sides to this. To me, it is a stepping stone, to a better world in general, for everyone. I would like to see, a world, where, women are our most prized, treasured, and valued possession (Those who choose to remain here. Freedom is essential, even to, a, "possession".): as they enter into maturity, themselves: Just because you are a woman does not mean you are good. However: when we get there: Seeing our women as scared, may be a goal: The amount of aliens, who desire our, human women: Are almost unanimous. (Yes. Aliens want our women. It is even in the Bible. Men would do well to order ourselves, in alignment, to keep them safe.)
I can see a world, where, men are not ruled over by women (necessarily) but where men rule over themselves, in honor of the women, and in honor of ourselves. Perhaps this is the best we can hope for given the tribal dynamics of today. Perhaps: It is time for a woman to rule. If so: Will things get better, or worse? If they get worse: Is it her fault? Be careful, and so very slow, to judge: There may still be adverse masculine dynamics that sabotage her righteous desires.
Perhaps, Asrael should, become the queen of the tribe in my absence.
(I am reminded, of my first novel, Kumala, with the queen, forgive me I have forgotten her name: She was like Asrael: tall, muscular, and powerful: Who took a liking to the human man who crash landed on her world. She, was very amorous, and would take, at random, a romantic partner to love her body: The king knew it, and while he wasn't super-happy with her, he allowed it: And she loved him, and was loyal to him: And he loved her: And also, was loyal to her. Kamou was the kings name. Her name was, Arelia? Something like that. Like Asrael: She was beautiful. Yes I am saying Asrael can be queen, and have fun, as she sees fit, in my stead. If, she does not want this responsibility: if she is overwhelmed enough: She may choose to decline the role.)
I trust her. If it is agreed upon, let it happen.
However, everyone knows: A woman should always be silent.
(I am glad, Asrael is laughing at that. I am allowed, to, be humorous, at times)
Further: In the ending when Max lets the water flood the people: How do you know, Immortan Joe, is not aware: there is only so much water: there is only so much they can pump: and if the pumps run dry, they may never be able to prime (Draw water from the depths. If a water pump is not submerged in water, it relies on vacuum to "draw" it up: If a pump is worn enough: it may be unable to [re] produce the vacuum required [called, "head"] to draw water up, given, a "dry" state. Remember: the equipment is old, poorly maintained: And repair parts: May never exist or be able to be created, or machined, again.) them again: They will run out of water, forever: They will die of thirst, in short order, lose their bargaining power, and the other two tribes will, eventually: also collapse: ending all human and animal life in the tribal triad. Max may have, possibly, just damned everyone, by releasing the water like he did. Starvation is terrible, but dying of thirst, I believe, is worse: though quicker.
The, "poor" people below, are self-regulating: but without the water, they, too, will die: It seems we have caught them, in perhaps, their most disregulated state: it is easy to make a judgment, and say Immortan Joe is a monster. A monster, would not tell the people: Not to become addicted to water- as he knows: it may run out, any day: and he is only doing his best to give them what he can: As far as we know: this is the truth. Kind of, makes you hate him, a little less?
Immortan Joe, could also: rule over the "Poor people below" with an iron hand: He, instead: allows them freedom, to do as they wish, to govern themselves: I would only say: maybe some birth control is in order!
Also: Immortan Joe's facial injuries did not appear immediately fatal to me. But, it is, after all: a movie. The lack of bleeding of the older woman who was hit with the hedge trimmer in the neck, was also, to me: unrealistic: However, this movie was exceptional at portraying incredible amounts of violence, without being, senselessly, bloody, such as I have seen, in other movies: Overly excessive amounts of blood, ruin it for me: The human body is not one, engorged, pressurizer, artery.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 4:40:37 GMT 9.5
Further: and the king agrees: I am relinquishing my crown. (When I am worthy, it will be, re-bestowed upon me. This is, part of the fulfillment of my joy.) It is, part of the purification process I am going through. (The authorities, who grant authority, WANT me to have the crown. Sometimes, a king has to step down, to find himself, again. Plus, it will be a nice break.)
In my stead: Asrael is to rule (...govern) the tribe. She may do as she wishes, I only ask she not go overboard (And she won't. She is perfect for this. She is a highly tempered and ordered woman, with a fun side, and is honorable, with a humorous side, a light side, and a side for justice, kindness, and forgiveness. She was, born for this.
My heart agrees with me, even if she is reluctant.
Think of it this way: Now YOU will get to know what it is like, to be king, hon!
Let, her heart, be my litmus test, and let it also: be the light for the tribe.
Asrael, isn't just a wolfen: She also has royal blood in her veins: She is worthy.
If she chooses not to act as queen: She may do that. However, if she overrules the tribal council: I want it to be honored.
The council of light is asking me to send this before I buy a crystal for Nina, the shop she wanted me to go to, was closed yesterday, but they want me to post this before I leave, "It will go a long way for us to trust you, again."
I also asked my best friend (Who is a wolfen, living as a human in California.) his thoughts on it. But the more I think about it: The more I believe, yes, a woman should be in charge.
Godspeed Asrael.
I love you.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 10:19:51 GMT 9.5
Well, she feels a lot less intimidated by me, now that she is acting queen.
She has revealed to me, a number of things. It started off romantic, and got pretty morbid.
This morning, after, "Queening" her- her and I had a bit of an exchange, but it went like this (From what I remember. So much happens in a day for me, it's like trying to describe the events of a month over 5 hours.) She's, trying to accept that I have made her queen, and she was trying to talk to me about it, and I am trying to remember the conversation, but it went like this, I said, I am trying to become the man that completes her, the man that is perfect for her: She responded, "Nobody is perfect." I said, "You are 'perfect' for me, even in your imperfections. Why wouldn't I strive to be, 'perfect' for you as well?" And she isn't perfect. My god, the things she revealed to me today. Wow!
Also: There is a "machine" version of her, and a "machine" version of me. The popular idea is that: The machine only affects the weak minded: While that is true, immediately, it is untrue long-term: It can create alternate desires in your heart that are still linked to the game: that continue to play it long after you have left it. (The closer you are, the more intense the game.)
I debated saying it, and she said, "You're just going to say it online anyway. Might as well say go ahead." But I have decided not to.
We can say there is a part of her that is still upset with me.
She was honest about it, and I thanked her for her honesty.
I am, continuing to, work on myself, my life, and to love myself. I wonder, if having an eternal spouse, means, not ever loving yourself enough to be self sufficient and, always needing them? I want to be self sufficient, though. This has been such a tremendous amount of stress for me. Maybe, I can be a better spouse to Asrael, if she is my destiny.
After I did as the council of light asked, and posted about relinquishing (I don't know if that's the right word. It's just a break.) my crown: The people who grant authority in affairs down here, told me: they had, a much larger crown for me: The crown of Eden (The one Adam should have worn before he demonstrated cruelty to the people of Eden.)
They said, my spirit and heart are what they need, and the Edonites, perhaps, have seen my character, and want this, too: But I said, have YOU SEEN WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH JUST BEING THE KING OF THE WOLFEN?!?
Oh, so raise the stakes even higher, now?
They told me I would be perfect for the job, because my heart is so soft, and I melt for the people of Eden. The visions I have, of me interacting with the people there, usually, inevitably, have me breaking down in tears over compassion for them. The Edonites, love my soft heart and tell me they need it: and my strength. It would, put my in a position of power even over the wolfen, which worries me: because I am dealing with enough bullshit as it is. I have questions, and may be willing, to try it out, but I need to know more: The wolfen were kind of just thrust upon me, to my understanding, and I am trying to deal with that alone, let alone the affairs of inner earth. However, if I can be of some help and service to them, I want to be. From what I have seen, they would welcome me there, most: Some are scared to death of me. I would want to be, "just a guy" who probably cries a lot.
I think the wolfen, are the "Hardest".
The, machine version of Asrael: Wants to get rid of me. She corrected me: not kill me: if she wanted that she never would have stopped hurting me while inside of the machine: But she did. No, just, "Not in the equation any more, living someplace else." The actual version of her: Wants me to do better for myself, so I can be her true love (She can love me back the way I am in love with her.) The machine version of me, hates her friend with a passion. I believe, he has a machine version of himself, as well. The machine: can turn friends against friends, lovers against one another: I think it needs to be known: even if it does not seem obvious or apparent: Once you walk into the machine: you never, ever walk out the same: even if you feel fine.
It can, affect you, innermost, "Deep down" thoughts, wants, and desires. I also, could be overstating or understating a lot of this: It has become apparent to me, that if Asrael has even one errant thought, and my heart feels it: Her thought, in passing, to me: Becomes COLD, HARD, FACT. ASRAEL HATES ME!! (I will tell myself, while torturing myself and allowing myself to be tortured. When, she is, in reality saying: "I just want you to do better."
In fact: This has been a theme my whole life: I struggle with taking criticism, and used to tense up and take it as insults, and hate the person giving it, because I thought they were as shitty as my parents and my peers.
Very few people are truly that shitty, actually.
Am I heartened, that Asrael, likes me? Yes. Am I also, trying to work on myself, without her: Also, yes. It could be, that while I work on myself, I get to a point of, loving myself, and being self-sufficient in my relationship with Asrael: That I also, side-by-side with her: Learn to love her, outside of myself: That, this will be a MUCH better situation for her: everyone wins. Interesting!
Now that she is queen, she has blossomed like a flower: So many things she was, concerned about, afraid of, or worried about: Are now non-issues for her. I told her, go, get someone to rub your feet (And teach me how to do it later) rub your body, make love to you, go, get all the sex you've ever wanted (Because you're queen. The king's attractiveness, made his bedroom never a lonely place: it is the same for her.)
She also admitted to having feelings for someone, that has, due to the dynamics of the machine: tortured me endlessly with fear of losing her, as the machine made her REALLY like this guy, and REALLY hate me, and, also, allowed for her to be the most attractive being in existence to me, all simultaneously, while, holding hell and damnation over my head.
The crystal shop, the heart of Nina asked me to go to: is apparently closed until thursday. I want to honor her: But if it is shut down for the season, I will try to find something that appeals to her elsewhere.
I did ask, Nina, about sex with me, and she said, "It is not necessary." I asked her, would it be, detrimental to our relationship? She said, again, "It is not necessary. Later, I will desire it from you: [because you desire it from me. And, I am female. And, I do have my cycles. And sometimes, I do want it. But unlike you: only my fingers are enough. I have work to do.] But if it gets in the way of my work, then I will have to stop it right then." "Okay." I said, "That is fair." (Sex with astral beings is incredible. Physical sex is great, but if you have an astral lover, you need physical sex a lot less: sometimes not at all. I'll never forget when Asrael rode me cowgirl, in that cabin, shortly after the attack. I did not know it was, "her".)
I am, working on, cleansing my emotional and mental energies for my healing: and asking, also, to be made whole again. Asrael... Was actively injuring me, to a few moments ago, when I took my authority back from her, and told her: She had 'till I got to the ranch to make a decision to stop injuring me: Or I was going to hurt her back. She, saw the light pretty quickly, and opened up to me, a lot, though she is still nervous.
She began showing me, a vision of her: She was being, so, so vulnerable with me then: Of her, in a red dress like I liked, and her, shyly, posing for me: I immediately felt these shaming spirits come in, this condemnation: That hurt her, and she turned the vision off before I could fully take in, her incredible beauty: I told her: Those spirits are not me: And to brave them, feel them: The rejection of them: But let me see you: let me feel your glorious beauty, soak into me: Let it have it's effect, brave the rejection, and I will remember it, the way you want me to: She gave up too early: But, I also fully understand, she is a very, soft girl.
And, rejection hurts.
Apparently, I still have issues here: likely part of the infestation of the tearing down of the "Hedge of protection" around me during the attack, and years of mental/spiritual/emotional/physcal abuse I suffered as a child: I am glad these things are coming out: Because I want them
G
O
N
E
...
They HURT Asrael: And when she was trying to be vulnerable with me.
Wolf girl, has said, she wants to start being proactive: And begin chasing me, back. Not... With the intensity I have, but... Just little things, here and there. I see her, with me, in the shop, her arms around my belly, leaning against me, and me, feeling her, behind me, holding me: Feeling her spirit, literally, connecting with my own.
I am told to start expecting good things.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 11:18:29 GMT 9.5
So I took a quick trip to a gas station. Asrael, revealed more of herself to me. I wish I could remember exactly what happened, but it was good: and helped me empathize with her, being so distant all this time. We have, achieved, a level of mutual resonance, together: But I will not allow myself to rest in it just yet, lest I fall short of her, somehow- yet I will also rest in it a bit: because I have been waiting for this moment, and many more like it: all of my life. www.youtube.com/watch?v=YATal4TlK6Y&t=628s______ IN pulling away, to work on yourself: Previously, when I would pull away from Asrael, I would pull out all stops, and, as usual, do the most violent thing I knew how to do: Jerk myself away from her. Sometimes, love is like an arrow, ----> it goes in with a sting, but being pulled out: is where it hurts. Recently, as I get closer, to loving myself (How interesting that loving myself, directly translates, to loving Asrael more- and better, and truer.) I have been, even when I thought, she did not love me back: Rather than jerking the arrow out of her, I pull, gently: But not out: And, i cover the wound, with the healing balm of love. When I do this: She responds with a smile: Maybe a tear, that I am leaving her in part: But: This mutual loving connection we then share: heals the wound: and I have not found it necessary, for violence or pain after this. In short: The key to loving yourself, and your other, is not to pull away, but to hint at needing space: And giving them love, instead. Further: The spirit of Eden: Leaving the gas station (Yes I bought beer. It is just that time.) the spirit of Eden, who is an angel of light, and gentle, she asked me, to dance with her. And so, I did, in spirit: And she smiled upon me. If I, have to buck up and be the protector of Eden, and assume a kingship-role over her, then I will do that. (for her.) Usually, I am the guy brought in during the end of something, but perhaps, this can be the beginning of something, a start of something new for everyone: I am hoping, will be the dawn of an age of unity betwixt humanity, the wolfen, and Eden. Also, most of the bullshit I am dealing with, with the exception of the illegal hunting going on: Has been my fault. So maybe it won't be as bad as I think. I am looking forward to it, I just want to love and bless the Edonites. They have been, estranged from us, for far too long: We were all designed to be a community. This, is why, I do not just believe, but I know: that the Edonites would bring peace to the surface of this planet. And, that humanity would bring entertainment to the Edonites, with our wild, stupid ways, and ridiculous behaviors. (not that they feel superior to us, but they love us. They love us, with the love, humanity has been collectively searching for, since the dawn of time. If I could describe the love Eden has for us, here on the surface, I would say to a dog-lover: Look deeply into the eyes, of your canine companion, and search his heart: There, you will find, the heart of Eden.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 21, 2023 11:45:14 GMT 9.5
I was drinking some water two days ago, and Nina, asked me, if she may have some: Of course! I replied. So, I found a bottle with some leftover juice in it (for flavoring) and I added water, and in the spot on my bed, I gave to her: I left it there for her.
The next morning, I asked her, if she liked it: She said: I could not open the cap.
So, the next evening, I left the cap off.
She said, when I asked her if she enjoyed it: I could not get my tongue inside to get the water.
So, I cut the container flat, as she showed me: "I lap water into my mouth with my tongue, like a dog (or wolf) does."
She got the water, and went away.
As I drink my beer, I thought about pouring her some: Alcohol has great effect on astral beings. She said: no alcohol. (It could hinder my work. She said.)
I probed a little deeper: And I felt: You need to relax a little, girl.
So, I said, "A little alcohol." And I gave her a bit of a sip of it. She drank it, chuckled, got a little wobbly (So a little is too much. We can, enjoy it responsibly, together. Before this: When Eden asked me, if I wanted to be her protector: I said, "What about, Nina?" And I saw her: With a flash of light, taken from the darkness: and given a new life in the light. A new life with laughter, love, books, learning: She is quite the magician in Eden: and she has a new body, to where the light is comfortable to her. But I will only focus on her as she is, today. I do not want to leave her out: I am grateful to her. I love her.)
She said, "You're just trying to get into my pants."
I said: You don't wear any pants.
She laughed.
It had the desired effect, of relaxing her, with additional effects as well: I am going to have to be careful with this in the future. She may have been right, as she is now, pushing her muzzle straight up, against my chest, looking me in the eye, slurring her speech, and begging me for more: when I do not give it, she knocks me over and tries to put moves on me. we just collapse laughing about it. (Nothing happens between us. She, showed me, a moment in my van, where, she lays on my bed: And I take her: and make love to her, as slow and loving as I know how to be. I am waiting for this moment. When she is in the mood. Without alcohol: But I will, give her some, before, to help her relax. She, can also "be" inside of any lover I have: male or female, and enjoy the experience with me.)
Tomorrow, she will be herself again. Alcohol can be a special indulgence for the both of us, from time to time.
She means something to me. She is special to me. I love her. I can't explain it, but loving her, does not take an ounce of love from Asrael whatsoever. It actually makes me, love Asrael even more. It's like, different compartments within my same heart.
I am also shown, the other me, who lives in Eden, is like a prince: He volunteered to assist the wolfen king with his ascension, and to give him a second chance to be with his people. How interesting! I have an identity in Eden! I guess this is how I "Know so much" about it. Some stuff is still confusing, but everything in its time. I am, excited.
I really want to wear that necklace for Nina.
She isn't picky: Her heart was just drawn to this outdoor gem company, but I think they are only open sometimes. She will accept whatever choice I make: But I would like the choice to be made together, if possible.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 22, 2023 1:44:28 GMT 9.5
Asrael and I had a bit of a back and forth, in her heart, about Nina. Things have, reversed and come 180 degrees. Asrael, is now worried in much the same way as I was: She is afraid she will, lose me, to Nina, or lose me (somehow) and I have definitely, demonstrated that I can be, potentially, unstable with my relationship with her: She has said, she is, finally opening up to me, to trust me, to love me back: And I now, have a different wolf-girl in my life... Asrael admits, to being a bit of a... Cunt... About it and torturing me a bit... Nina, is also responsible for much of my, "punishment" and pain in the underworld: She is simply that powerful. In a physical fight, Asrael would win every time: But with little more than a cock of her head: Nina could transport Asrael to the black realm. So, fighting is not a good idea. I went back and forth with Asrael, last night and this morning: Because she has a point: The "Universe" also ministered to me: And it said: Not to feel bad about this: that Asrael was, a bit of a cunt to me, and "this is what she gets, for that." (Rather than torturing myself over it.) Okay: I expanded my love-bubble, to fully encompass, honor, cherish, and love: Asrael: As well as, not taking any love from: Nina.
Further: Asrael has almost the exact same situation going on with her heart: Blaming me for this, is a bit hypocritical: Can we, admit we love each other, a lot: and move on?
Further: I gave Asrael a pass, last night, to go to her favorite bar: And take a guy home, who was hitting on her (She did not sleep with him, out of respect for me.) I thought it would help smooth things out for her, with respect to Nina: She took the card: but did not go to the bar.
(She's trying to be respectful to me, and cautious. As I said, she is a woman of honor: But if she goes and gets railed by this dude: I told her: Have a great time. She deserves to have sex, to be made love to: To enjoy the body, "I" helped create: And her, nearly unhealthy libido: I just wish I was that guy, and it makes me sad: which is one of the reasons she is remaining abstinent. Perhaps after I make-love to Nina, she will let herself have some fun with a guy [or whatever she chooses. I won't judge her.])
After last night, and giving Nina some alcohol: She opened up to me: The holy in my spirit- yes she may have caused it and almost certainly did- and feels bad about it because I am a changed man- in some ways, Nina is my spiritual, "Other half", who mirrors Asrael, in almost every conceivable way: I have been looking for her, all of my life, too, just differently than Asrael.
If Asrael is my emotional other half: Nina is my spiritual other half: Her opening up to me, was so incredibly beautiful- I felt her, in a way, "complete" me- and Nina tells me: You were hurting me, too, that is why we took action: So we could be together. She says: You wanted me. You signed up to be my mate. But, you were a dick: so we punished you. Now, you see: I am your other half.
Got it!
However: I am still working on myself, and I refuse to let these, attractive wolf-girls, get in the way of that.
They are, my dreams-come-true, but even the Bible says: "What does it profit a man, to gain the world and lose his soul..." So, i am working, on my soul. I am not trading the wolf girls for myself, I am gaining, everything I want- and not losing them, either.
It, helps, to have the, aforementioned wolf-girls in my life though: it makes loving myself easier, to have them on my side.
Also: About, "Rescuing" Nina: She doesn't need it. She can transport herself pretty much anywhere she wants. But it is available to her: She says, such a "rescue" would limit her, to give her a mortal body.
You wouldn't know it by looking at her: She appears as a Rebecca-size wolf girl, all black, wiry fur, smaller muzzle, pointy ears, black eyes, (Black sclera) and, I believe: Plantigrade (She walks on her flat-foot, rather than on her toes, and orbital pad behind them. I am also told Asrael quite likes, foot-rubs, which is an absolute joy to hear.) feet, long black tail. She may have feline in her, and may also have more, "human" in her than Asrael: The feline helps her with her magick.
As usual, it feels good, to have these wolf girls in my corner, cheering me on, to be a better person: They have wanted me to love myself for some time: Also, in so doing, as I raise my vibration: I am better able, to love them both, and, raise theirs as well: as long as I am, not loving myself, and relying on them to, "Make me happy" they are kept, also: in a low vibration.
It is my sincere pleasure, to assist these wolf women in their life journey as well. I look forward to, loving them both.
Nina is also: quite the dancer. If I had to, describe her personality, I would say, she is the, confident, nerdy girl you see in school: you don't cross her, she will claw your face: but would rather, build a home in the library and just remain there: reading books, gaining knowledge. But, when you give her a beer: she opens up, and becomes the cutest, sweetest, most loving girl you can imagine: And horny as hell: And the day after when you know you've met your true love: She's back in the library, wondering why you are trying to kiss her. She will push you away, and say, "That was only because I was drinking. Let me study."
However, when she accepts a beer: She rarely won't: You can look forward to a night of passionate, sensual loving with her, one just must accept: Unless she begins to take a liking to you: Only beer will bring her out. And, if intimacy begins to affect her studies: You can be sure, she will be accepting less beer from you.
However, last night, I got to see a side of her: that is pure: innocent. Kind. Affectionate. Loving. She, brings out, my wounded inner child, who needed a woman like her in his life. She... Heals him. I believe this is why Asrael needed my assurance: I still loved her, fully. Asrael heals a part of me, Nina heals another part of me. Both of these women, bring me joy throughout my day. I could, pick Nina up, and carry her over my shoulder: Asrael could literally break my bones, if she sat on me.
It's funny: Both girls want to, sort of, hang out with me, one on each side, rubbing their hands over my body: Asrael on the right, Nina on the left, Asrael, a brilliant, glistening woman of white fur, passion, and love: And Nina, on the left, black as soot, smaller, (She's kissing and licking my neck...) they look like, the typical, "Devil and angel" making suggestions, with me, in the middle. It's mildly humorous. It is also an effort on my part, to fully love Asrael, as it feels like, the girls are pulling each side of me: I know in time, I will fully reconnect with Asrael: I will continue to lend her, love, to reassure her: You are loved: hang in there. This will work out. Nothing has changed... I just have to expand my ability to love: more than one. Nina: Is also not fully comfortable being Asraels friend: as she senses some hostility there: Nina's instincts and senses are, razor sharp: She has survived this way for a long time.
My hope, is that the girls can, possibly, learn to befriend one another in a way the benefits everyone: Asrael knows about love: And Nina can teach her magick. Further: Nina's apprehension over Asrael: is giving Asrael pause: She is, questioning herself: "Am I being that shitty?" It gives her good opportunity for pause and to reflect internally: She has not been doing this in earnest at all: she knows, the truth is painful: but I am here, for you: Asrael. I will be your friend, through this: and give you the love and compassion you have needed from me, but never got, before.
I am also told: the magick Nina knows, can benefit Asrael quite a bit: and Asrael has always wanted to learn. (religion, social status has prevented her from trying.) Their relationship, may blossom in other, fun ways, too. Perhaps they can play together while I heal and (re) discover myself.
I would also remind, Asrael: Nina is your, dark instincts. She has been with you, all of your life. Integrating with her, may be one of the best things that happens to you.
Nina likes 80's synth music.
Asrael, says she's bored of being queen: She says, "You will always be our king."
However, Nina can be a big help in her queenship, of doing the monotonous duties she hates: with magick, making her life easier: Asrael could easily become, a queen of great power and status, a woman of glory and power, and status. Asrael truly could, become the queen in "Kumala". It would, add to her stresses: but take away her fears.
Nina just wants to go to the library and study. Or, drink a beer and party all night.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 22, 2023 2:25:59 GMT 9.5
If I had to say. Asrael is my adult true love, and Nina is my inner child's true love (she was who I wanted and needed as a child.)
I spoke with Asrael after posting the above, and she jumped on me: she wanted to be the first wolf girl the new me, experienced. I could not indulge her fully, as I was told to honor myself first: but Asrael did get her wish, and Nina: wasn't offended by it in the least.
Further: if the updates get fewer there is a reason...
I do, however, see Asrael, as a powerful queen, if she decides: a woman of powerful darkness and light, even larger than she is now, a woman of sheer power.
"Magnificent" is a word that describes the "dark queen" she could, potentially, become.
Further: Asrael, is still stuck in her childhood: in a way I'm a ways on this journey, and she barely has just begun: however, she is going to need me, and I want to help her, every beautiful step she takes on the way.
I don't want an immature, non introspective queen of power, over the wolfen... (They complained about her being queen, but ironically, the ones complaining were the very ones who wanted her, "in charge"... which is exactly why they need me as their king...) She needs to be worthy of the power that is being offered to her. I guess I am overseeing the process, as is my right.
And, she can decline it all and go back to her normal life. I'm not trying to force anything on her. She has enough stress as it is. I'm working to reduce it, not add to it. I love her.
I may enjoy a drink with Nina tonight. And just cuddle. She's in control of herself when she's bubbly, and relies on me to take control, and I just want to hold the free spirited buzzed, open hearted and sweet wolf girl she is. Connect with her, bond with her, help her trust and connect with me deeper. Maybe my inner child needs to, hold her. In fact he's needed it all his life. She's his, precious true love.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 22, 2023 3:50:49 GMT 9.5
Some more information on the background of Nina:
I created her when I was a child, to help comfort my broken inner child.
I apologized to her moments ago about forgetting her name all the time: she said, "You've forgotten me, on and off, all of your life."
Ouch.
She is not offended: but she revealed to me, she had to live, without the child who loved and created her: for eons. It is why she is so powerful: all she had was time to study the dark arts in an environment that literally allows her to hone her art to a razors edge.
I am, glad, she allowed me to grab her, and glad I am making peace with her.
She, is warming up to me: but I told her, I NEED you to be strict with me. I NEED the discipline. Like when she pressured me to get out of bed the other day. I fucking need that. Bad.
I started to wake up the giant so to speak, my true authority and power: and Asrael grew afraid. So, I paused enough to allow her to settle: I revealed my TRUE self to her, and she was concerned, that this is who she was harming, all along.
I told her, if you need me to leave you and not come back: I will do that.
She replied, in my heart, the warmest thing I've felt in life yet:
"I am scared. But, if you will it: rather than leaving me: will you, instead: protect me?"
I told her, as I wrapped my sphere of protection around her, she cuddled up to me, and I felt close to my true love. I felt her, the woman I love, so much, press her spirit close to my own. I felt so close to her in the spirit: I was likely glowing, at the dog park.
About her pouncing on my naked body: she said it didn't count because I need to release inside of her for it to be official. And I didn't. (I was told to honor myself. Now I know why.)
I told her, let me cook you dinner. I will light candles, and pick flowers and foliage that appeals to you: make my bed up nice, and make a sacred space for us to love one another in, to make it official. Rather than jumping on me like a predator: let me be slow hands with you, wolf girl. Let me, make love to you. Let give you pleasure, rather than a simple, mechanical act of biology. Lete make it special for you. You are worthy of it.
Nina offered to help with the ritual.
I complimented Asrael, I forgot what I said and did for her: but it made her beam with pride, muzzle up: like a wolf that has found something really stinky and parades it around the pack, making everyone jealous that she has found: the stinkiest thing, ever. The entire pack oozes with jealousy over it (yes. This happens in actual wolf packs as well.) It felt good to see her grinning so wide and being so happy. I loved to see that beautiful face of hers, so happy and beaming like that.
It was a good memory I want to keep.
Also: Nina wanted to get buzzed and snuggle me earlier, but I was out of booze. I told her, later: I will give you a shot of alcohol, and we can snuggle, or, you can hold me when I'm working on the van. She was, looking forward to it.
Nina, has been looking for me, all of her life as well. But, she is the most disciplined woman I have ever met. She's had nothing but, "time".
Oh, and she has NO problem visiting people to prove her existence: but she will also f*ck someone up if they're harboring any adverse energy: if someone is harming others, ESPECIALLY children: you are going to want her as far from you as possible. She's able to see deep within people, and sees "motives" in places in the soul I didn't even know existed. She is a judge, to the utmost, and I am glad she likes me. Or, at least, she is giving me the space to change, any evil that is in me. She, is in charge of me. I started 5o summon dark rage energy within me (heavy metal playing) and she, showed me, the dark energy I can summon, is like a drop in a bucket to her. "Calm your tits, dude."
While she once punished me with her black magic and tortured me nearly to death: much of what I attributed to Asrael: was actually her: she understands, she literally lived with my inner child and suffered with him, alone, in silence.
She's had a life so brutal, surface dwellers could not survive a moment of it, let alone unfathomable years in the cold silence she's lived in.
She's a tough cookie.
Feeling her open up to me, was wonderful, like meeting the girl I had a crush on as a child. She's more than just wolf and human, she's got feline, and equine, and I'm unsure of all else: she's very complicated in her composition, to suit a broken, but complicated boy who needed her heart to survive, not only physically, but mentally, and emotionally, she has kept me alive.
Asrael, too: I am not discounting the very beautiful Asrael. Asrael has been just as instrumental, and I am told she introduced herself to me, too, early on in my life. But I could not have connected with her then, I just knew, she was my wildest fantasy of a woman.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 24, 2023 2:43:58 GMT 9.5
As the ascended king, goes through his, discovering of his identity outside of the wolfen, as father, lover, king- and me, doing the same- he has had to be honest with himself about much of it: His treatment by the wolfen people, in part, was absolutely shameful.
Since writing something else I had planned here, as much has happened that I refuse to make public, the (worst offending) wolfen have apologized to him: in sincerity, such that he felt their genuineness, and he feels better about it. He is still heartbroken, over his perceived treatment, by some he has called his friend.
Him, and I, are trying to worth through it, so we can both be at peace about it.
In the nature of being truthful, the king begrudgingly admits, he was a bit of a dick to others, himself, too, and he must come to accept that- as everyone's truth is different.
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