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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 3, 2024 9:45:49 GMT 9.5
Maybe that is what I need to finally leave here.
Her telling me to go.
That way, I have permission to sell things off, and to move on with my life.
Maybe that is the answer I have been looking for
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 3, 2024 10:58:20 GMT 9.5
How interesting.
As I am going through the aftermath of the conversation with ym mother, and detaching from her (And the family), I was standing by my bed, and I saw myself...
I saw who I was- my Being- for the first time.
It is as if my mother, hijacked that from me at an early age.
How, adverse it is when these, parents are broken, and yet choose to have children...
It was one thing I brought up to my mother- she said her childhood was bad too, and I said- then WHY did you have KIDS??
Implying you merely passed your brokenness onto innocent children.
She had nothing to say about it
Anyway- I am seeing, at age 44, how a young man "Detaches" from his mother (or should happen) to join in "One flesh" to his wife, and leaves the house- and how I am just now doing this. (But without a wife)
I feel that, there should be a sort of "breeding test" for humans, after we know of our psychology and genetic fgactors better- that two prospective parents should take, and if they pass the test, they have access to government help-
But if they fail, or do not take the test- then no help of any kind should be given to them, so that this sort of thing does not happen again-
The only exception being, in my case, where such an adverse union is used in an astral manner, to wake an astral being up duke to the adversity of it all- if it were not for this forum, I would still be trapped in the anger of it, dead, or in prison, perhaps
I told my mother people like me end up dead before they reach this age
Anyway- hopefully this detachment ends up in my healthy separation from this dynamic
Now, one of the few reasons I would remain here, would be to spend time in the yurt, and make space with the Beings who come to visit me- if none- then moving on will be easy. It is almost the warmer temps for that, but the coldness keeps hanging on
I feel like drinking but I am not acting on the urge.
I wonder, why "God" would tell me ot have faith for the horse, etc.
Both me and my mother cannot be right- one of us is delusional in our "memories" and beliefs
I could only tell her- there is a reason nobody wants anything to do with you any more. It's not because you are a saint
I have begun sandblasting the frame, however i was told it may even be overkill. I will continue to work at it. I have phosphoric acid to etch the metal to prep for priming.
My mother told me, to keep the acid away from the puppies water- I nearly shouted- are you fucking kidding me
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 3, 2024 11:02:56 GMT 9.5
Also-Paul, I am rebuking the creature who is sowing discord with the family- doing my due diligence anyway.
I want when I leave here for all of my things to be done so it is a clean break
Also my mother accused me of being the prodigal son who wanted his inheritance early- i told her your family lives in their 90s while drinking and smoking, the horse will be dead before you and it will benefit no one
She had nothing relevant to say about it
I told her the horse would solve all of my problems, and again- she had nothing relevant to say about it, outside of, she knows more about horses than I. I told her the horses in Dyer, Nevada who live in the hills- mate successfully with zero human intervention, miraculously
And admitted I know there can be risks- the difference between her and I is, I have the faith and spirit understanding to do it- while she is racked with fears and refuses to advance anything.
She will, do it anyway now, just to spite me- this is her hatred of me
I do not know how much more of this, being the victim in order to forgive my mother and take her abuse- to "Have faith" for these things I can take
I wish to be done with this family dynamic for good
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Post by paul on Apr 3, 2024 11:58:14 GMT 9.5
Your parents and their parents were, are and likely will be victims of the OS.
You are breaking free. Perhaps those still captured would benefit from your compassion
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 1:06:48 GMT 9.5
In going over the previous interaction, I am observing some things.
The "Survival" part of me, is unable to distinguish my "human" mother from the mother that is under nearly total control of the demons who have infested her being.
To the part of me trying to survive: My mother is worse than a devil, or demon- these things cannot describe the wickedness that is within her
And yet
She maintains an air of innocence- telling herself, and allowing herself, to believe anything (Such as, when I brought up none of us children want anything to do with her, she said "of all of my friends" [she has one.] none of them have their kids want to speak to them!" which is just proof in her group, are child eaters. Most healthy children love and are bonded to their mothers. But this is her excuse for lack of attachment) that will assist her in maintaining her demonic identity.
This is helpful in trying to separate her human identity (Which is mostly false, and rooted in little more than societal conditioning, no root in self.) from her demonic/ wicked/ cruel identity
I am also seeing within myself, similar dynamics- but mine were built to survive contact with her- and even deeper "OS" programming in myself, that almost exactly mirrors her
It is devastatingly sad
Paul, I am unsure of what you mean by "Compassion"- how can you have compassion for a creature that eats its own children and tortures them until they detach from it? The only compassion I can see here, is euthanasia- which is not available in most of the USA, maybe you have a different idea?
Anyway- I was shown the horror of her final days, and she may not even be able to bear it
I also see, how my "new" life, is essentially- one as a teen (emotionally/mature wise) embarking into the world for the first time
The problem is
I am not a teen
I am 44- and not just 44- 44 years of struggling under the strict oppression of demonic control. My "energy" level it double that.
And, yet, it seems, as my demonic mother wishes to not give me the birthright she (and others) stole from me, I am having to, "Start over" with an energetic age of almost ninety.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 1:19:37 GMT 9.5
Even if my mother was intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually capable of facing what she has done, to me and to others, she lacks the intellectual capacity to deal with it in a constructive manner.
How does one, show such a creature
..."Compassion"
?
I am not going to get the horse.
To do so, would be to partially to admit her failure(s).
So I am on my own.
Again- with the energy level of an end of life adult, it feels.
It may be the best course of action, is to tell, honestly, to my government, and have them care for me, for the remainder of my life.
The only alternative would be a commune type of situation, and there is no response for that, yet.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 3:50:07 GMT 9.5
This was interesting: forum.earlyretirementextreme.com/viewtopic.php?t=10489It also occurs to me that you reap what you sow. If I leave this ranch and my mother she will be completely on her own and at the mercy of the world. Yet, I told her, it felt to me like, she abandoned me before birth, after birth, as an infant, especially as a teenager (when I turned to hard drugs to cope) and that it was interesting she felt abandoned by me, and criticized me for not being super affectionate and cuddly when I would get my mail (why she doesn't make me another key) If my mother were to hire God to be out mediator, I could honestly say, I have no interest in a relationship with her of any kind. She also chided me, I could not get on the horse,I told her I could, and if I could, would she sign him over toe she said no, so I said I'm not doing it. Further, as I was leaving to the junk yard to scout for parts for the van, the I passed the horse, and I felt his heart energy, wanting to know what the disturbance was- I told him, your owner (my mother) isn't going to give you to me. He grew angry over this, as he views himself as belonging to me. I told him, she is going to outlive you, most likely, and I will never have you. He grew angry. (He knows my mother is evil.) He told me he would rebel and injured anyone other than me who tried to go near him. I said, I understand. I was angry, too. I'll tell my mother, I told the horse your intention not to give him to me. Good luck handling him now. When I finally leave, I am going to likely tell her, you are never going to see me again in this lifetime. Now is the time for my life to actually begin.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 4:58:07 GMT 9.5
Paul, if you want me to feel compassion for my mother, there is a wounding I feel that she is going to die one of the lonelist deaths a human can die- completely alone and abandoned during a time of peace, while her entire family is still alive and easily able to visit her.
While her firstborn has nothing/almost nothing to do with her, even after death.
In fact, before I leave, as she said- I get the horse "if" I can financially take care of it if it survives long enough after she dies-
I am going to demand she also include $60-100k USD additional for it's care in the trust
-or-
Completely remove my name from every document relating to a will, trust, or deed.
Fuck if I'll let her take one last gash at my spirit and soul from in the grave.
Fuck her.
And that's how the call will go with the trustee.
"Your mother has passed, we have a horse-"
"Is there a cash fun of sixty to a hundred thousand dollars attached to the horse for its feeding and care?"
"Well no- in fact we are interested in YOUR financials-"
"I do not want the horse as my request was not honored. Do not attempt to contact me again."
*Click*
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 5:02:01 GMT 9.5
The best "compassion" I am capable of summoning at this moment is a distant, feeling sorry for her.
It also again, interests me that if you are a generational abuse survivor and chain breaker, the onus of strength is on you, because my parents are weak.
It's a double punch, in order to wrap this family curse up so it does not go on to other generations.
I hope my middle estranged brothers children also break the curse of this family.
My younger brothers boy child is already exhibiting signs of the generational curses. That's on him.
His little girl, however, seems to be breaking free- I pray she finds a good partner and escapes the curses of her parents.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 6:14:21 GMT 9.5
One thing is becoming more clear, I am putting all of my eggs in one basket, into this van.
If it says reliable and running, if I can keep it, if it stays operable, if there's fuel, if there's oil, if the living components stay viable...
And how none of those things are permanent.
I also: cornered my mother with truth. I hit her with so many real aspects of her failure as a mother, that she had nowhere (emotionally) to go.
Well, I am Trying to work with God, or whatever force asked me to "have faith" for the ranch/horse
Trying to button my foundation up so that I can break off with my own life, and stop "sucking on my mothers tit" as one of my friends said.
I am relying on this van, as someone who has been through extreme circumstances, and is in crisis mode and has been likely before even birth
It irritates me, how there are forces that still desire me to remain around my mother and this ranch, and more work and struggling and torment until this, whatever it is, is done.
My spirit grows excited, happy, at the idea of leaving
There's also the matter of Candy and Mandy, the cougars who live here.
I wish to meet them again. I would not ask them to try and follow me.
I believe one of them was near my house recently
How would Any human feel if you lived with a mother who's being was so perverted she sexualized her son, and then split into two beings, one who loves him, and one that wants to utterly destroy him?
As they uncovered the rotten dynamic, they would want to leave!
And yet I am being told to stay!
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 6:15:16 GMT 9.5
Why am I STILL not being allowed to sell my things??
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 8:01:00 GMT 9.5
I think I got some answers.
It seems as if my healing is not complete enough to release me from here.
There is a cosmic hold on me my mother has.
I spoke with her 'friend' and he confirmed much of what I believe.
She is terrified to lose me because I'm the lady family member that speaks to her.
The situation isn't ideal, but it is one where I am relatively safe and comfortable. This may not be so somewhere else
I have no firm, positive and beneficial places to go. It is possible if I sell my things, I'll have money, and go to an adverse place, thinking it's a good thing (and ending up in an even worse place)
My canines are comforting me. The female is curled up next to me, and vibing, protecting, and healing my spirit.
I am too far ahead on the van. By a few weeks, according to God. I am moving too fast
I received insight into more of myself. More unhealed and disturbed and wounded areas. I invaded it with light and healing and positivity.
I am still unsure of what to do, other than relax and continue to center
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 11:05:34 GMT 9.5
What was revealed to me after I calmed down,
I have been trying to, find the most peace and comfort within crisis mode
However, the universe is not content with that. It wants me returned to a better state, outside of crisis and fear.
So, it will not "Allow" me to have "comfort" in crisis mode, which I have been in all of my life, that went into turbo when I was attacked at the wolf sanctuary, and has been redline for over twenty years.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 15:16:36 GMT 9.5
Something else.
As I detach from ym mother, or- the version of herself within herself- and the version of herself that lives within me, I see some things.
My mother always told me, I could be "anything"- and from one side of her mouth, acknowledged I was a "genius" who could "Do anything"
Such as, when I was nine, her Jeep Wagoneer broke down in a Costco parking lot. I opened the hood, and discovered a wire to the ignition coil had melted against a piece of metal- not enough to blow the fuse but enough to stop the spark. I pulled the wire off of the metal and bent it away- and the vehicle started miraculously- my mother was amazed at my abilities, even at a young age.
I repeatedly demonstrated an ability to understand how things worked, and to repair them, my mother said I began tinkering with things at age 3 (Which is when my father first started abusing me.)
However, I am realizing, as I "Come back down to earth", that my life might result, likely- in doing nothing, outside of my accomplishments already, which I might add, are technically more than most humans accomplish in several lifetimes- but have not secured me a dignified or comfortable future by any means.
I may, die alone, in some desert, a glass of whiskey or rum in my hand, nude, on the sun deck of my van, my corpse being found some weeks later...
Hopefully, my dogs, escaping the van by an automated deadman system that automatically opens the doors of the van if I do not enter a code after a few days. The dogs will always have enough food and water in the van for a minimum of 30 days so they will not starve. (Autofilling water bowl, with a pressurized system and reserve tanks that are amply powered by the solar arrays and on board battery banks, and a large tub of dog food, and another bag of dog food they can get to if they try. So up to 60 days food and water without the deadman code system, which I want to enact anyway so they do not perish if something happens to me)
There's a good chance I will perish on the road, at Slab City, in some commune after becoming the repair man.
I will have accomplished a lot, done many things most humans never even have a chance to do, but my end will be quiet, soft, and gentle, and my demise may warrant little more than a few lines in whatever towns local newspaper.
I am strangely not depressed about this, so long as I have my alcohol- and I have yet to purchase the large stainless steel storage tank, and filling it with rum, and then doing it two more times- and having that alcohol always in the van.
My friend suggested, when I install the alcohol interlock in the van, to weld thick metal boxes around the unit- so getting into them would be such a hassle, hopefully I would either pass out, or give up, before driving that way.
Knowing me, any other way I would circumvent- even piss drunk. Including picking locks and removing a thousand nuts from an elaborate cage- I would use an electric impact driver- it would take my about four minutes- or a grinder or sawzall (recip saw) just to but the studs and get to the alcohol.
Is ti sad, that what I have to genuinely look forward to, is the high of being drunk, in some desert or forest location, maybe fucking around with a HAM radio, or Starlink internet as usual?
My mother would have me believe I was destined to be some astronaut, or Elon Musk, inventing something that changes the world...
While out of the other side of her mouth, controlled by the OS, she belittles my very existence and ensures I stay a crippled victim of trauma.
Except, I am leaving that dynamic
It is just, slightly depressing to come back down to earth, as the road of dreams begins to narrow.
Barring some, miracle, I am more or less, relegated to working the remainder of my life, and living in that van.
I was considering, where I should live, and my options, were a commune (likely run by a tyrant), Slab City (Where I would have to fend off meth heads, and presently, human life means nothing to me, aside from a very small circle of loved ones) my friend in Wyoming, who is a marginally functional alcohol, or my friend in California, where California is on a terrible precipice of inevitable collapse.
None of those sound like, "Comfortable retirement for a lifetime of excruciatingly difficult work"
Or, as my mothers child like fantasies of me would tell me, "Retiring in a space ship with Elon Musk"
Sad, I guess, but if that is to be my fate, then I am good to accept it as is.
Good news is,i am seeing "Ways out" of the deep oppression I have been in for some time, the spiritual oppression of my many clones bodies in various states of torment, it seems a higher vibration is the answer.
Almost like it was destined to end this way- when I had learned, and evolved, enough to get out of it.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 15:18:22 GMT 9.5
Since I've essentially stopped drinking, my long term memory, and clarity of mind are returning.
That's a good thing, it seems
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 4, 2024 23:47:53 GMT 9.5
Some things I am seeing.
Yesterday and the day previous, it was shown to me, that "I" am so powerful, that "they" needed me to surrender my own authority to adverse circumstances willingly, or "they" could not hurt me.
-And-
Only certain Beings of certain strength can go to the depths, and come back having taken the keys from the darkness
Not all beings can survive this.
And, how it is terrible, enduring it- the helplessness of it, that few living things wish to endure it
But I did
I also saw areas of my Being that needed, "Good cheer"
Things are bleak
Work is frighteningly sparse
However- I am maintaining a semblance of good cheer
Of not giving up
These, puppies are a big help, I gathered two this morning, up onto the bed, who were trying to climb up
And, they romped all over me, biting, nibbling, clawing, and it did a lot for my well being
My wolf girls are lending e their heart energy
As as my canines- and my reality is better than I could have understood it in this frame
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 5, 2024 0:18:13 GMT 9.5
Another interesting thing.
I used to shit 3-4 times a day every day.
I once had a boss who told me he "went" every week to two weeks- drank nothing but diet coke (Literally, nearly ever drank water at all.)
He was older- could hardly move- and could touch live 120V wiring and not get shocked- I assumed because his body was dehydrated and had no moisture to conduct electricity- me, however, I only drink water (Pretty much) and I would get badly chocked by even touching the wires.
I assumed he was doomed, except all of his health checks came back good, including colonoscopy
Well, in my healing, I have begun, I was asked to, not take a shit so often- in fact I go every 2 days now (It was uncomfortable. I had to force my body to retain it)
I began to become aware- when you are NOT in crisis, you end up retaining your food in your bowels, storing it, and allowing it to nurture your body.
It has created a feeling of anti-anxiety, of relaxation
I sleep MUCH better, much more regularly- because my body is not in crisis, to absorb as quickly, as rapidly, as many nutrients as possible in the shortest amount of time (due to crisis mode)
I was also shown yesterday, there is a group of inner earth people who are psychically linked to the human race (As a whole) here on this planet, and there are "levels" of enlightenment for them and us, and we have been recently "handed" to a higher level- which means humans are graduating to a higher consciousness!
Which is what we all want.
Also, more new layers of higher foundation for the van- new ways of thinking about it, so my entire being is not "based" entirely on the van
But, rather, a healthier view, of owning it, and life in general
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 5, 2024 4:50:20 GMT 9.5
Also strange to me, is my apparent backwards unfoldment.
I seem to have started with the worst of the worst, and am progressing towards the opposite.
I began, with the darkest of an al people, and am progressing towards the best
And, am taking some of the darkest, and bringing them to the light.
I wonder why this is, unless it was known previously my origin and I was thrown into the deep end for a reason
It is like, the wolves said, we don't want him in the brightest of us, until he overcomes (or accepts..) the darkest of us
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 5, 2024 7:29:13 GMT 9.5
Maybe I finally came to my end of fear, but I told my mother, to let me go, to release me
It seems as if she has a manner of, a supernatural hold on me
As I go through this, it seems to me-
I am not to "escape" the ranch, rather, I am to overcome my mothers hold on me- to take my authority and use to it propel me not from a spirit of fear, but of strength, confidence, peace, prosperity, abundance, enjoyment, and good cheer
Not fear, scarcity, worry, a "need" to control everything
this seems to be why I am still here.
I am not going to be kicked out
I may be being used to assist my mother in her unfoldment, hold my nose and get through it
Build the van, not as an escape vehicle, but as a vehicle to prosperity
It seems this is the way
To release panic, to move forward in conidence and peace
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Post by paul on Apr 5, 2024 7:37:19 GMT 9.5
>assist my mother in her unfoldment
An excellent investment. Your mother may well, in future incarnations, be your mother/wife/daughter/sister yet again.
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