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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 4:06:53 GMT 9.5
Paul, you may find this to confirm your theories: youtu.be/Flf1BEyfUZw?si=8gISl-dZaMLedMw1And this, I am listening to now, it is expanding my understanding of love: youtu.be/GL8sEZROCEQ?si=l9goFvVkBcjSEckhInteresting, as I apply this to Anastasia I am understanding clearer and clearer, I was raised by infants So, my understanding of this realm is infantile However- I do not wish to treat others- namely- Anastasia- as if she was/is an infant I want to honor her, the way I was never honored- and continue not to be honored by those I should have been able to trust for my care (And, with her.)
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 6:33:24 GMT 9.5
I drank alcohol yesterday, vexed over some of my circumstances. It ended up not being a positive experience. I did not enjoy it. I am glad I did not- as it seems when I drink I am not productive, and when I do not drink, I accomplish many great things.
This was an important lesson, one that I may carry with me, in order that I should temper my alcohol consumption even further than I already have- it is a negative lesson that imparts a positive result
I am, once again, conflicted, as to the differences between Anastasia the white wolfess, and Ladywolf, the inner earth girl.
I consider both to be Sunwolves, which means born of the sun- attractive, beautiful, alluring, and a great prize- both for whomever shares a life with them.
Both are powerful women.
My clone body from a past life, continues to be wounded, twisted up and mangled yet still living. I question why, and I am told firmly- it is for my benefit.
It does not seem so to me
However, I have learned several confusing dynamics, as life seems to me, to be a form of psyop, where up is down, and down is up.
One of the puppies is not doing so well, she is the one with the worst rash, while the others romp and play, many contented to curl up against me, she is having seizures, and is emaciated.
I am hand feeding her water, and food, and she drank a great deal yesterday.
She whines and cries, until I collect her, and hold her, presently, she is in my lap.
She stopped walking, so I massaged her legs, and stood her up on her paws, and worked with her until she began making steps again.
I am filled with hope and faith that she will be okay.
I have been asked, to give her to a woman, a red head, possibly- with glasses- with no charge. She is meant to be with her
She sleeps peacefully with me, and has been on the bed with me the last two nights.
The other puppies, grew furious with being in the bathtub, so they have taken control over my home, romping about and tearing this and that
It may be close to time to list them for sale
I was also aware that, for many canines, who establish a deep and close bond with their "littermates", when separated from them- much of the trouble humans have with them, is due to anger, possibly even resentment from being separated.
This is why it pays big dividends with your canine, to connect with them deeply at an early age- and to communicate clearly with them- as if they understand every syllable- your intentions to be a good "owner" of them. This can drastically shorten the rebellion period, which lasts up to three years, before the canine finally finds resonance and peace with their human companion.
Ladywolf, the sexy, naked wolf girl I saw in the vision- whos fur is partially returning to her (Will be restored in time, I see her, roaming in her realm. Part of her anger was my clone- created her in a lab, but made her too horny- and her libido pesters her- he assumed she would make a good mate- he was right- but he lacked the foresight of having a six hundred pound, nearly eight foot tall girlfriend with big teeth and a temper from being made so horny. However, she is growing accustomed to the me, that I am becoming. She lay with me, in my bed, months ago, desiring to be held by me, and love projected into her spirit [sincerely loved, cared for, admired, respected, resonated with, loved.] she has been making some very welcome appearances to me, with glad and good tidings from her heart. I welcome it, as once she was quite angry at me/my clone. I am still, of course, desiring to caress every inch of her body with my tongue, kissing her, from the bottoms of her feet, to the tips of hears gorgeous, sexy canine ears- I am so attracted to her, perhaps some of the magic has become intertwined with myself!)
~
Softly, I touched Annahs arm, as she stood on my balcony, looking off into the vast Alaskan wilderness.
Around her, her long hair danced gently in the wind, as the sun glinted off of her cool, gossamer strands of shimmering diamonds.
I took her in, for a moment- and when she sensed it, her ears fell gently back, and she turned to look into my eyes- her eyes sparkling with the same exotic magic as her hair- glowing softly with a feminine desire.
Steeling myself within, summoning my masculine- to her feminine, her body relaxed, and a gentle smile grew on her face.
In that sacred moment, as the wind danced with her fur, her past no longer existed- only a perfect in tune presence, in the moment with me.
"I'm in heat." She whispered, the softest of canine blushes, gently erupting on her cheeks.
She grinned, like a young girl, looking down, and off to the side, her smile now as bright as the afternoon sun, no- brighter yet.
I had sensed her growing desire- and smelled the scent of her body opening up to be mated with- a scent she carried with her everywhere her beautiful feet fell.
"Oh?"
I asked, unaware of my own, bright grin.
"What does that mean?" I asked- partly in jest, and partly to confirm her desire.
"Shut up." She said with a gentle laugh, pushing me out of the way as she chuckled, her blush now erupting, as the fur puffed out on her cheeks.
"Come on." She beckoned to me, hovering by the doorway to her bedroom, her tail, gently moved to the side.
I heard her, get onto her bed, and then call out with exasperation:
"COME. ON."
"Alright." I said, my own body, almost painfully ready to mate with her.
~
Annah part six
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 6:54:42 GMT 9.5
I stepped into my- no. Ours kitchen- and opened a drawer, that had a pot light in it, and a budding rosebush. I had kept it hidden- -for such a time as this, and I was the only one who cooked in the house anyway- so she possibly never even opened the cabinet.
Gently, I trimmed a single rose, with a long stem, and grasping it, I shut the door, got to my feet.
I could sense her, sighing as I got to the door, my body, casting a shadow over her.
She knelt, on the bed, her face- desirous, and yet conflicted.
I knew better than to open my mouth, however- the sexual intentions of a canine, being generally quite pure, and refreshingly straightforward.
I set the rose on the bedstand next to her, and with calculated haste- shed my clothes.
Annah was still clothed, so I took my time, caressing her body- her back, her chest, her legs- exploring her softness with my fingertips- slowly, gently, feeling her heat, and her heartbeat.
I saved exploring the immense heat under her tail, for last- and indeed, I briefly considered that her caressing her engorged, slippery, and hot holes- gave me second degree burns.
I was a soldier.
And I had a job to do.
Reaching under her belly, I unbuttoned her tight jeans-shorts, and gently slid them down her legs.
Rewarded with the thick scent of her bodies desires, I kissed, and licked her body, as she began to pant, sigh, and moan.
Sticking my tongue inside of her, her head dropped with a thick canine blush, and a helpless moan.
Gently, I slid a finger inside of her slippery love tunnel, feeling her impossibly hot body from inside- her tunnel contracting around my finger, trying to squeeze an orgasm out of me.
Behind her, I sighed- I had waited some time for this day- and what more beautiful a day, than the sun shining so high, the birds returning to the trees, and the river that flowed next ot my home, babbling clearly- even through the multipane windows.
Without a word, I smelled her asshole, the deep, rich musk- everything I had been looking for, and the salty, slippery taste- precisely what I desired- as I,. with a medium ferocity- rimmed her musky anus.
Under me, I watched as a single clawed finger, began rubbing her pussy- and her soft sighs, through her thick black nose- eventually evolved into a deep huff- as her own cum began to dribble down her finger.
When she turned a very helpless, embroiled- and blushing face- her soft, gentle eyes closed as she fingered herself- I knew-
Foreplay was over.
The wolf girl...
Needed her meat.
Eyeing her tight pink asshole- that would cum later- no pun intended- I aligned my rock hard, thick human shaft with her glistening, aching to be filled- canine cookie.
I slid inside of her, slowly- in the event she was a bit tight- her body healing from the abuse of her former life- and giving me the glorious opportunity, to feel her from within.
"Oh, God..." I moaned, helplessly ensnared by her sexual magick- the magnetic drawing of passionate desire- inflamed by her natural heat...
I pushed myself fully in, as she whimpered, burying her head in the mattress, her blush so hot, it might have ignited the bedding.
"Oh, my god..." I whispered, a willing, but captured slave of her will for desire.
Panting like a dog, feeling her incredible, inhuman heat, pushing against her as to smush her cookie, fully, deeply within her- all it took, was the most minute of movement before she had her first earth shaking orgasm.
"OH GOD!" She whimpered, with a canine shout, gritting her teeth and trying to finger her fat, wet cookie, her body clamped down on my dick- massaging it with incredible sexual connection and oneness with her- I had to fight not to have my orgasm-
And I lost the fight.
I got three thrusts inside of her before I pulsed in unison with her rhythmic contractions, her pussy expertly milking every last drop out of my penis, finishing by pushing myself as deep within her as I could get, her body erupting with spasms, as it clamped down on my dick.
Shaking, nearly falling over, Annah collapsed onto her side, my dick soaked with her heat- and her cum, a string of our mixed emissions- still connecting her body, and mine.
Panting, confused- and slightly delirious, I stared at her perfect pink pussy, and then at her face- her eyes closed- her heat satisfied but only for now- her panting eventually turning into snores.
I chuckled, not bothering to put my clothes back on- and lowered the temperature in the home to accomodate her increased body heat- gathered my robe- And climbed into bed with her.
~
Annah, part seven
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 11:34:45 GMT 9.5
The puppy has passed.
She was having seizures, and foaming saliva that was very sticky. And, she was passing black stool, which indicates possible internal bleeding, her breath also smelled of acetone (? I have no acetone in the home.)
She died in my arms.
Her spirit asked me to hold her against my body one more time, so that she could feel the warmth from my body, one more time.
Two canines now, have died because of my alcoholism. And not just any canines- but sacred ones.
I am glad her pain is over
I saw today, a merging of myself, with the canine- I pulled away from them, and they screamed- either in pain or because they wanted my attention
The "something" told me not to run errands today, as the puppy was sick, so I gathered her up in a blanket, and took her with me, and went shopping- got some milk for her, and fed some to her- but her jaw was seizing, and I had to pry open her mouth.
She growled at me, several times, warning me not to give her fluids.
I covered her body, just now, and placed three of the puppies who wanted up on the bed, on the bed, and I can feel her spirit, still remaining here with me.
I was able to project some death, from my being onto her- I did not like doing it, but it was necessary, and the spirit of the canine told me, they are used to being abused, because of the karma of existence in this realm, as eating for wolves is itself an act of the cruelest brutality- and yet- it is the only way they survive, here.
I am also, aware that, the other me, might not have been correct in eliminating the entire city of cruel religious people, who delighted in torturing their slaves to death.
I was considering it, and that spirit of heart-cruelty, was captured in that city- although I banished it.
So, such as, even though some things are terrible, in some ways, sometimes, they should be left alone- although I do not regret doing cruel things to cruel individuals.
Anastasia was with me today.
I was listening to the rabbi talking about love, and I brought her to me, I no longer summon her, but ask her to be with me, but this time I summoned her to listen- showing her, how I am learning, and that maybe I might not be "good" for her- she told me- that is not my decision but hers. (To be with me.)
(She is right)
And, she grabbed me, and forced me to listen to some parts, where she "kidnapped" my consciousness in revenge. (I allowed it, because I had kidnapped hers. But, she did not act unfairly. Tit for tat)
I am also going to give my mother both barrels, and lay it all out for her, it is the least I can do, I know God does not want me to leave this ranch, as if I do my life may become needlessly difficult, however, things are becoming intolerable, and not that they are getting worse, but that I am finally gathering the dignity together to notice and no longer tolerate it
I am glad I have the friends here, to comfort me, about the puppy.
The puppies spirit, is also a bit sad. However, some of the highers are saying- do not mourn her any more, as it attracts negativity, and more mourning. But- to be happy that I have six, extremely healthy, vibrant, full of life- puppies.
Sadly, the red headed teen with glasses will not receive the puppy.
The puppy had green eyes, which is rare.
All I can do is keep going life goes on
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 11:51:39 GMT 9.5
Right now, two of the puppies are curled up next to me.
They appear, as if they are unconcerned with where they pee, my bed seems to them to be as good of a place as any
I was considering, my mothers adverse ways, and how it has taught me, the way not to go, however while you are enduring it, lessons I would not have learned, otherwise, as it seems this is one of my first lives here
There is a lot of spiritual, astral, and psychological damage.
I am grateful, that the woman attached to me, who is a wolf woman and beautiful, is amiable to me
It should be said, that I am a wolf person enjoyer
Well, I am slightly less sad, but my heart still feels some pain from it. It feels wrong, getting "over" it quickly- but the fates have cautioned me not to remain sorrowful- so as not to attract more sorrow. Even the puppy spirit is beginning to agree- she will fly to her new life when I release her
It just feels sad
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 12:14:33 GMT 9.5
I placed the puppy outside on the roof, to get cold- the coldness helps the spirit move on.
I am learning to let go
It seems to be a difficult lesson, especially for someone sentimental like me- but holding onto is unnatural, as things are fleeting- it seems here
Also it struck me as the difference between, European/non USA people, I am talking ot my friend, who is proud of his son, who wants a 12 gauge pump shotgun
He's the one who told me, to kill the mountain lion behind my home- when I told him I am not going hurt her, I am going to take her as a lover, or a friend, and he protested that would make a human/feline hybrid, but I told him we are biologically incompatible and offspring would not result from such a union
Well, he went shopping for the shotgun at Walmart, but they did not have the caliber he wanted, and he lamented on the way home, they passed some geese in a field, and he said, with some sadness, "Dad, that could be dinner."
And his father said,
"I know, son. I know." (With solemnness)
And, it struck me, how someone not within the USA may see such a thing, and consider the beauty of the bird, not how tasty they would be.
Right now, the puppies are invading my huskies underbed realm, and he is growling at them, but it sounds like a losing battle (for him)
The conversation with my friend did help about the puppy. He remarked, they are my "children", and he is apologetic and offered me many condolences about it.
Today is the first day, of letting the puppies roam my home freely, and to train them to come for food when called
I am bonding to a male, who wants to be by my side at all times, and has a heart connection with me
Likely, due to the Ladywolf and Anastasia, nibbling of one of my clones bodies, it may be difficult as he will likely be one of the first ones to be sold, to sell something like that, feels wrong, like selling a person
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 12:20:12 GMT 9.5
I released the passed on puppies spirit.
She came to me, for final wishes:
I told her, go now, and be free. Go, and spread your genes- find a wild pack, far from humans, and go, and live a full canine life!
I told her, from my heart, that spaying/neutering is common, and she may not have been able to spread her genes as a domestic puppydog
It then became aware to me, that, her spirit is universal- born of a union between caninedom, and myself
The death, of her body is essentially, nonimpactful on her mission
The other puppies are enjoying their lives, running around, being free
Several, smelled the dead puppy body, even walked over it, and pulled the blanket from her.
They are less sentimental, but in many ways, they are the superior (more adjusted) specie
Edit update-
The puppies spirit has chosen a beautiful white wolfess (Wolf person) to become, in her next life- quite the attractive woman as well- she says she is doing this to honor me, and may even have a relationship with me
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 14:35:50 GMT 9.5
The female puppies spirit came again to me, after I relaxed, and releasedher, and my other canines came to comfort me, and the other puppies brought to me laughter.
I am mapping out their personalities, to "match" them with (hopefully) proper homes
I have seen a break in the darkness of my life- positive circumstances are on their way- and to remain positive- and not allow negativity to "steal" my success
The spirit of the deceased puppy, called me "dad"- and told me I did the best I could. There was subtle heart-thanks
I am receiving proper knowledge and understanding of sex
Mainly, that it is not the traumatized activity I was taught by my 'elders' to believe it is
At least I am learning this now, unlike, people like my parents, who still carry a child-like view of it
I am also seeing how so many things in life are a "psyop"
Up is down
Down is up
Left is right
Right is left
Dark is light
Light is dark
And so on
And, how fervently (With a passion) humans will believe these, opposite-things
Even willing to perish, for these wrong beliefs!
My dogs are teaching me so much about life. I know they are teaching many humans
Mainly; to relax and let go, stop worrying, and live in the moment
Good lessons!
One of the puppies, the head male, is already aware of these principles. I was going to call him, "Clint Eastwood" or "Charles Bronson", but he is actually, a noble canine, and "Aragorn" better applies to him.
He may be the hardest to present to a new home, as he is attached to me. He is best paired with a family with children
There is a female, the remaining liver colored girl, whos name is Xena, as she is ferocious and when there is a fight, she is frequently the one starting it. She is good for a single person home with no additional animals
Tomorrow, I reckon I bury the two puppies, in the ground, above my beloved dog, Barley.
I have shopping to do, and yelling at the food stamp office
There is a stain on my bed, I smelled it- it smelled like the deceased puppy- I grew instantly sad- the puppies spirit instantly came to me to "knock it off" she is happy now
Grieving makes her angry/sad about it
The puppies are healthy, and furious to be put to bed in the tub again
Maybe they should be allowed out? They chewed up things that should not be chewed up- I think they need some nice sticks to chew from outside, it will also help to acclimate to the bacterial map of this realm (Build immune systems)
I was also considering canine mating behavior, as it relates to wolf people.
AFAIK, canines are the only specie that "Attaches" when mating, creating a situation of vulnerability for both mating partners.
I can confirm, there is pleasure involved, when my two canines tied- as the female was virginal, there was whimpering in pain as he stretched her body out for the first time- however, concerned she was not having a good time, I went to her, about six minutes into the tie, and her eyes were nearly rolled back in her head, her tongue lolling out, and her lips curled up in a goofy pleasure-smile
The male obviously had fun
Well, this dynamic, creates one of the most empathic sexual bonds, as there is so much vulnerability inherent in it
It could also be said, that when the canine was created, a knot was added to the males penis, in order to force vulnerability. A learning experience?
However, even before tying and mating, canines must be 100% sure of the safeness of an area, and dare not risk it- neither partner, before the actual mating tie.
This applies even to wolf people- and perhaps why so much onus is placed on the male wolf, the female appreciates his acuity in the matter, of creating or finding a safe place with which to bond sexually
This is also a reason why, they generally will create a safe space- and mate uninhibited- often openly.
It is considered rude, to pester them while tied, it would incite me to violence- but some wolf people take it "tongue in cheek"- however if it becomes violent, the pesterer will often be chastised, punished, and even shunned- as sometimes they are jealous of the mating, disturbing what would be a beautiful union between two lovers.
I am also reminded, of my husky, who is often disobedient, strong willed, and often contrarian just for the sake of being contrary (No reason for the rebellion) and how I view him as a rogue, in my spirit, an animal incapable of bonding- however- as he is showing me, he is still canine- though feline aspects are present in his DNA, at his core- his heart is a wolf
And, to view him with the same respect and awe I see canines as
I also endeavored to take the beautiful wolfess' advice (The picture above) and to be "friends" with the wolfen peoples.
Much has happened today, and it was a big day for the puppies. They, were outside with me, by the shop as I worked, and then released into the home as I took the sick puppy out to get her milk (Not wanting to leave her- I had a "feeling" if I left her I would come back to a deceased dog, and if she was to die, then it should be with me, so that I could do all that I can)
I made more advancements with the passing of this body, and embracing the difficult aspects- I saw a future where a light penetrates- and there is a good ending, after all of this suffering, fear, and turmoil- I must simply be brave and embrace it
There may be wolf people in my next life, in my life, and I want that (most of all actually)
I do not harbor any fear or resentment for what I have experienced in this life, it has created a beautiful dynamic, and I have merged my consciousness with the canine
Though it has been a dance
The puppies have quieted down. I think they realize, the veil has been broken, they were allowed to explore, even experiencing outside
Now, they may rest, and sleep, knowing, that a better day awaits them, after my errands have been run, I wish to get this frame finished so that re-assembly may commence
Today, driving the puppy around seemed like an emergency, and life threw at me, slow and adverse drivers, I pushed my anger aside and instead embraced it, as lessons
In a strange way, the puppies death was actually a positive thing, it served several purposes, though I would have wished both deceased puppies would have survived.
Getting to know each puppies individual and distinct personalities is exciting, and wonderful, to be pure with them, and to learn them from the heart energy
My canines are also unphased by the death of the puppy, they seem to instinctively understand that life goes on
However they could have been perhaps a little kinder to her during her difficult times
The other puppies, beating her up the way they did no doubt contributed to her passing, it is difficult to accept that that may have been because she had a bad rash and needed help, crying out over it- and I was tood drunk for several days and only providing minimal feeding and care for them.
"They are dead and it is your fault"
I am trying to overcome it, but there is a sadness now that is difficult to replace with joy
But I know not to overdo it. I was warned that these things can snowball into a sorrow that can take one out
It just feels weird.
When I was religious, I eventually began to understand that, I "Let myself off of the hook of sinning" if I, "tortured myself badly and long enough"
Perhaps an echo of my childhood
Well, life goes on. I am glad I was with the puppy, holding her close to me even as I drove, during her final moments.
Her eventual passing happened suddenly. I can still remember her green eyes.
I will make some monument to her, to honor her, perhaps, that I will carry with me for life- but it is a solemn thing- and I do not know if it is wise to do- just so that I do not forget her
One thing is certain, if there is another litter- I will be doing things MUCH differently
And NOT drinking
And being present with the puppies
What a hard lesson.
I was told it is necessary, in the grand scheme of things- these puppies did not die in vain
Tomorrow is a new day
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 1, 2024 14:59:51 GMT 9.5
a406.proboards.com/attachment/download/1558It is close to bed time However, I was watching a pornography video, with humans in it, and realizing how serious, yet unserious sex is, and how natural, and untraumatizing it is, etc. (New revelation, or a deeper one) And, I happened upon the tab with the white feathered wolfess in it, the one who asked me, if I had tried, "Being friends with the wolfen people" Well,I did some eye gazing of her picture- I discovered she is part avian, and perhaps part feline (Long fangs) But more than that. I pictured myself, making love to her. Much the same as the passionate porn video I was watching, And what she would look/sound like during the passionate sexual bonding session with me (It is not adverse to bring her into this. If she would object, I would not be allowed to envision her so, nor would I try and force it like in the past.) Well, it had quite a pleasurable outcome, and it was in this passionate bonding with her, that I realized- Holy shit! She is RIGHT I AM at enmity with the wolfen! THIS happened, during the attack on my soul- and was an automated instinctive self-preservation method! I INSTINCTIVELY became enraged with them over the attack! And, all the while, I have ALSO been trying DESPERATELY to reach them as well! It is no wonder I have encountered so much adversity These, self protection instincts beings used against me, to cause me torment Interesting!!! I am also heartened to see that I am now compatible with such a magnificent wolfess, the above wolf woman. (I cannot call her a wolf girl. She is indeed a woman in every sense of the word!) Also: Ladywolf, has had a softening of her heart. She is my first love- my first wolfess, the first wolf person I have seen with my spiritual (True, real) eyes- she has begun to return to my heart- and wishes to be recognized! No longer is she content to be lumped in with Anastasia. She is making distinct efforts to help me separate the two wolfesses Well, this makes me glad. Weirdly- now that the fear of danger from the wolves is dissipating, they lose some of their sheen "They are just people with a lot of hair" Actually- the Wolven- are the ones who eat humans, THEY are more similar to the way I was treated at the hands of the wolfen tribe (And having sex with their women is almost worth becoming her dinner... almost...) Interesting. It makes me question everything Is this the literal definition of a trauma bond? I think so. Well- here's to hoping for more healthy bonds in the future It does not matter how I feel or think about the wolfen. The fact that wolfesses exist makes it worth wanting to be with them!
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 2:09:40 GMT 9.5
Well, here it is a new morning.
At around 2AM just as I was going into deep sleep, the puppies began screaming non stop. I had fed them extra at dinner, and I exploded in a rage. I did not hurt them, but I tore the shower doors out of the walls- and it scared them into silence.
The female dog howled at me, howling, likely for help to protect her puppies, as I was out of control.
I woke up this morning, assuming they would be terrified of me, but they were not, they cam eup to me like normal.
After the anger incident, I went down a spiral of deep self observation, of trying to understand myself: and I discovered more unhealed areas- more areas where my connection with Animalia, was hindering my healing.
Not the fault of animalia, but rather- dark, oppressive forces used my love of animalia against them and me, to place me into perpetual torment and non healing
However- had it not of been for this, I would not see these deeply unhealed areas
Also- seeing more of my mothers trauma, being heaped upon me, an innocent boy- the cruel and thoughtless wretchedness, sewn into the fabric of my being- such is the parent/child dynamic
It is difficult to heal when you keep shining the light in the darkness and seeing the rotting, stinking wounds you placed your fragile foundation upon
When I, assume I have discovered healing, I discover more wounds that feels like I am taking multiple steps back
I put up with the puppies until I could not. I tried- I tried very hard, to put up with it, but in the end I exploded and lost it
I felt, like I failed- but it uncovered more wounding- and for a moment, I was able to see "myself" at the bottom of the tunnel of darkness
I again, pondered, what Stuart said, about, going too fast- in a fever pitch, trying to get "right"
Too many wolfesses-
SO many beautiful, female wolf people, who share a heart with me- and are stunningly attractive to me, in every fiber of their being- I went from being lonely- to now entertaining too many wolfesses.
I wish to concentrate on one, I am torn between Ladywolfs corporeal form (She is a physical being- and purely so.) and Anastasia- who seems to be a physical- and etheric woman, all in one- I have courted her, fervently- and do not wish to just, abandon her- as she is growing to trust me.
And, the realization that my attachment to them, prevents my healing- and when I detach from them, I gain more of "myself"
And yet, I love them so.
However, a new dynamic came to me, if there are to be new puppies- I am to be sober for them, and place them in a clime controlled box outdoors, with a digital thermocouple controller as I used to control my ex fiancees medication at a constant temperature- and a motion sensor if a predator comes to eat them- wired inside to alert me of it.
When I do not get rest, I become a monster, and I hurt living things...
Last week my moms friend, came to me and said he was attending a new church, and the "Drummer" knew me- not usually a good sign if he could not produce a name
He said, he was scared of me, that I would possibly "shoot" him (For some reason???)
It lent to the idea that, people around me, eventually end up being afraid of me
Even the crimeys I used to associate with, eventually told me they were scared of my nature
Oh, but this guy, lies and says he was browsing through his phone and found me randomly- like HELL, start the new relationship off, with lies- no, you met my moms friend/boyfriend and brought my name up, and you said you knew me
-And- when I was struggling religiously with homosexuality, he stepped up to me, to have sex with me- which was a grievous offense to me, as i was struggling- and I labeled him an adverse sexual person.
Anyway, even the wolfen, who are large, and intimidating- many are afraid of me and view me as adverse, and a Terrible Bastard (TM) and resort to becoming aware of their teeth when I am around them
THey have chosen a "psycho" to replace their king- for some reason.
And, now they are connected with me- buyers remorse? They felt tormenting the crazy guy, was a proper course of action- and now the crazy guy- is mad at them?
Master strategists, they are not.
Hence, the need for human cunning
Alright- well I saw my van finished, and living in it- minimalist- bare minimum- as our economy is struggling more than I have seen, a recession, maybe, (Ironically, when Trump was in office I had more work than I could handle- people were building non stop)
I saw the van- with a new purpose- a matter of survival
I can still sell my things.
I am growing more and more weary of an adverse mother, and am growing angry with God for asking me to stay here, though I know God knows more than me, and it is for my good, however, like last night, I seem to be tested to the end of myself
Which is necessary to develop my character fully- and be lifted from out of the darkness
I also applied to a commune system, however their bot has moderated my reply- as I listed some of my skills and talents, I read some of the other replies- and I realize I am "overqualified" seemingly, perhaps they view me as a threat, or a liar- though I tried to be as honest as I could be (why lie? What good would it do me? I listed the things I am good at, and enjoy.)
Well, nothing yet, and it's been two days so far.
Some higher sponsor told me to have no assumptions, and to let it unfold organically- I am trying, but my impatience is flaring up, and I am trying to temper it.
The desire to run from this, adverse woman I live with, is strong- but this torment is more "Character building"
This life, is exciting and not boring, but oftentimes painful, and terrible
I was also shown several weeks ago, when I was lamenting the oppression of this planet, I was shown, in the light, "THERE ARE BETTER (less adverse) WORLDS!"
I was shown worlds of rest, of peace, of unity, of love.
It gave my spirit rest, knowing this.
However, just as, if my mother went to "Heaven", it would no longer be heaven because she would be there- would I be properly placed, in these realms of light?
Or, would my unhealed areas and wrong beliefs, corrupt the place? God forbid.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 2:20:34 GMT 9.5
Refuge is the word I was looking for
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 6:23:45 GMT 9.5
I have buried the two puppies, next to one another, above the grave of my beloved Barley.
I was made aware, a eulogy was helpful and beneficial- and that sorrow would be unhelpful, but joy would, "Send them off" and it was hard.
Driving today, I saw visions, memories- of the female dogs green eyes, when she was alive, and looking depe into them, and my heart was wounded from it- because she is no longer with us physically.
I realized, this was the "Recompense" version of grieving, the part where you are forced to face what happened.
Just, a very real, realization of the circumstances that led to their passing.
After the eulogy, I was struck with many conflicting emotions, and forced a positivity, that was at odds with my base negative nature.
The puppies: are fine. They are not afraid of me, but have a bit more respect for me, there were five on my bed earlier, making it impossible to type.
I imagine their mother can get upset and chastise them, but it does not mean they are "Discarded"
After the mother dog howled at me, I called to her after, feeling bad about it at 3 AM, and she jumped to me with joy, wagging her tail and pushing herself into my body. She was happy to "reconcile" things with me.
Presently, the male puppy who is enamored with me, is watching me type. I am thinking possibly to charge more for him, as he is special.
However, I also became aware, there is an interphasic soul anchoring crystal within the bodies of the deceased puppies- that cannot dissolve properly unless the bodies are placed within the earth.
THis is important, because it gives the freed spirit, greater access to more things in their personal afterlife, whereas, if the crystal remains intact, it can be a sort of an anchor to a place that may not be relevant to them.
However, if it dissolves within the earth, such as after I buried them- and the bacterial network dissolves their bodies and returns them to the origin, then they have a full access to the afterlife (In a way, other ways can be made by other interested parties, but natural burial (in the dirt) is best.
I got the food stamps sorted out, it appears as if things are going to be okay.
I meant to say, this van I am making is better suited as a REFUGE than an ESCAPE VEHICLE.
I have also been working through more things with my mother.
This puppy staring at me, is drilling holes into my soul it feels- his gaze is NOT one of a young canine, it is of a very wise being, with a definitive purpose
Also when he bit me and I smacked him, (both accidents) I saw into his heart- his purity is astounding, he is a VERY pure being, a pure soul, older than his body.
I was also granted more access to Anastasias inner being
It turns out- she has had a crush on me
Even though she was adverse, she prides herself in saying she helped with my unfoldment to this moment, and that now I am the man she can lean on.
She has liked me for some time, but she had to be adverse, in order to cancel out the adversity within me, due to this, and other lifetimes.
I was also once a slave of the Draco, on one of their ships- I believe in my past, which is why I have adverse feelings about it.
The dominant liver colored puppy who likes to start fights is being chastised by the others. It is of interest to watch this unfold- the other females are beginning to stand up for themselves
The boys are as chill as can be, and are content to lay around while the girls occupy themselves with various activities.
Their personalities are so distinct
Alright. I had an idea- a story of my future. It appeals to my heart
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 6:29:53 GMT 9.5
"Dogman" Part one
"Fucking idiot."
Dave hissed under his breath.
His cold, steely blue eyes cut holes through the pickup truck that cut him off, on his way to his company.
But, he knew better than to allow his dark heart-rage to well up, as it had so effortlessly, before.
He hissed through his nostrils, clearing them, scenting the air.
Numbers were good- but they could be better.
Above him, the sun was beginning to rise, and he knew he could count on Carlos to be there early.
Dave knew better than to become attached to an employee- but it was hard not to, when he was so reliable, and did such a good job.
Deep down, Dave had begun to set up a profit sharing for him, a percentage of each job, accumulating- if Carlos stayed with him, for another three years. The number could be upwards in excess of sixty thousand dollars, Dave surmised, based on his productivity.
With a numb sigh, Dave pulled into the parking lot, and parked his truck next ot the entrance.
Walking inside, the scent of ABS glue and solvents, hung in the air- ever present.
Focusing on his job, Dave booted up the computers, and set up the shop for the day.
~
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Post by paul on Apr 2, 2024 6:32:57 GMT 9.5
.... However, I also became aware, there is an interphasic soul anchoring crystal within the bodies of the deceased puppies- that cannot dissolve properly unless the bodies are placed within the earth. THis is important, because it gives the freed spirit, greater access to more things in their personal afterlife, whereas, if the crystal remains intact, it can be a sort of an anchor to a place that may not be relevant to them. However, if it dissolves within the earth, such as after I buried them- and the bacterial network dissolves their bodies and returns them to the origin, then they have a full access to the afterlife (In a way, other ways can be made by other interested parties, but natural burial (in the dirt) is best. ... I have read of a Chinese tradition of burying the bodies of ancestors in dry places so that the bones will last a long time. This is to force the ancestors' spirits to remain around so that they can assist their descendants. That might be a mixed blessing if the ancestors objected to being held on the Earth plane
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 10:00:28 GMT 9.5
.... However, I also became aware, there is an interphasic soul anchoring crystal within the bodies of the deceased puppies- that cannot dissolve properly unless the bodies are placed within the earth. THis is important, because it gives the freed spirit, greater access to more things in their personal afterlife, whereas, if the crystal remains intact, it can be a sort of an anchor to a place that may not be relevant to them. However, if it dissolves within the earth, such as after I buried them- and the bacterial network dissolves their bodies and returns them to the origin, then they have a full access to the afterlife (In a way, other ways can be made by other interested parties, but natural burial (in the dirt) is best. ... I have read of a Chinese tradition of burying the bodies of ancestors in dry places so that the bones will last a long time. This is to force the ancestors' spirits to remain around so that they can assist their descendants. That might be a mixed blessing if the ancestors objected to being held on the Earth plane There seems to be a lot of truth to this! The soil I buried the canine trio (The Alsatian who passed was eaten by a mountain lion, I only found bits of flesh, she was hit by a car and then dragged into a valley and eaten) is very moist. I was assured, that this was positive for the canines, and that the two puppies will be "together" in some of their next lives, as they are buried together And, my Barley Bear, will now have access to the young canines. Further, I thought that they would be terrified of me, and adverse to me, however, it seems that my violence had the opposite effect: they are clamoring to be with me on the bed, and after placing them back down, one female actually managed to claw her way back up to the bed, and curled up in my arms. She, like the white-faced male, has demonstrated a deep bond to me, personally. I cannot help but believe, that these were divinely inspired connections, gifted me be the canine realm. As I progress with my healing, the canines respond better, including the canine-human people. In one realm, they began to go to war on my behalf (I do not know the specifics of it, only that it is "for me") because I am one of them, and they consider me to be, a part of their group And in other realms, as I calm down, they respond more peacefully with me. The two adult dogs I have, avoid the puppies, as they seem to be harassed by their endless play. I have observed this adult aversion when my mother and I bred Alsatian dogs, the adults eventually "Noped" out of the puppies lives. Especially the males, who viewed the young with almost a spirit of fear. I am beginning to bond to the puppies, and I may have to be diligent in finding them proper homes, as they deserve divine appointments to be with the people who will serve them best. For example, the male that has a past life bond to me, is best with a nuclear family, with children. He is very gentle, kind, and empathic. The other male, is like a football jock, good for a similar spirited human male The females are striking, blue eyed, handsomely marked faces and coats, and range from gentle, submissive, and passive to full on "butch" lesbian, best suited for a single human woman who has an independent spirit. Somehow, after running my errands, the puppies escaped my shower, in spite of screwing it down. I do not know hwo they did it, other than, perhaps the mother dog assisted them with their escape. Well, they are roaming around and enjoying my home, so that is how it will be. I am also aware that, their nutrition is inadequate, as they feel a bit skinny, so I will have to buy a different kind of food, and supplement them with milk, to help them fatten up. When they are fat, they are happy. Speaking of which, the female that has a connection with me, has climbed up the bed once again. I am torn as her connection with me seems ot be deep, as I discovered eye gazing with her. She had to look away and I asked why, she said, because there is so much turmoil in me, she cannot bear it- but that she does not hold it against me, just acknowledges it is there. She has curled up against my leg. These canines feel comforted when they are touching my skin, I have discovered, and the canines at the dog park, enjoy pressing their bodies against me. It is good- as I move to heal myself, it seems as if everything falls into place. Hopefully I can keep my head on an even keel
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 10:25:57 GMT 9.5
.... However, I also became aware, there is an interphasic soul anchoring crystal within the bodies of the deceased puppies- that cannot dissolve properly unless the bodies are placed within the earth. THis is important, because it gives the freed spirit, greater access to more things in their personal afterlife, whereas, if the crystal remains intact, it can be a sort of an anchor to a place that may not be relevant to them. However, if it dissolves within the earth, such as after I buried them- and the bacterial network dissolves their bodies and returns them to the origin, then they have a full access to the afterlife (In a way, other ways can be made by other interested parties, but natural burial (in the dirt) is best. ... I have read of a Chinese tradition of burying the bodies of ancestors in dry places so that the bones will last a long time. This is to force the ancestors' spirits to remain around so that they can assist their descendants. That might be a mixed blessing if the ancestors objected to being held on the Earth plane What I saw: An ancestral canine, who had died on a trail (Snake bite?? likely) by some settlers, was buried in a bit of a barren valley. His spirit, went to the astral realm, but due to the urgency of his humans, he attempted to locate them: However, his spirit was attracted to his bones, buried in the desert. He was confused- why was he so strongly drawn to this location? There was nothing here! Just sand, dirt, rocks, some drying out and hard brush, sporadically placed, here and there- and mountains, much father off- but no sign of any humans, or any homes of settlements. He, curled up by his bones, feeling a resonance with them, and sort of- went to sleep there. He may, choose to shed his astral body- and ascend with a new body- as he concludes his business in that iteration- not finding his humans, and not knowing how to locate them, (Perhaps enough time had transpired- and they had gone to space!) he rested, and concluded his mission in this realm- his higher self- ascending as pure light- and from there- that is beyond my ability to discern However, what I noted was, his instinctual attraction to his bones in the dirt. Like a homing beacon. I believe, that in some times, when a living thing dies, it can benefit their attachments, as a spirit- and assist in guiding a person, family, spirit, or animal that they love. (Are attached to) This can manifest as a "Sixth sense", a "knowing" even a peace- positive or negative emotions, directing ones instincts and thoughts- it may be an Ancestor- even a beloved family dog- who has returned to assist you. It seems that canines tend to be alone, but the felines, when they assist a human settlement- they, too, create a settlement that is fully self sufficient, and continually assists the human race. I see many such installation in Asian countries, especially China, where feline "cities" are interwoven with human societies. It would explain the Asian devotion to the feline- there are entire astral cities, who interact with them. I also, do not believe China is "our" enemy- they are people, just like us, and I think, there can be positive outcomes from them, as it may be beneficial not to judge them on their past, as the younger generations are seated to take control- I am sensing positive things from them, though they must maintain an air of the "old ways" to continue the legacy of their parents. So, too, with the USA. In my country it seems as if, our government knows "The time is short" and are acting like they know things are going to end the way we have known it, and are acting brazen in ways that I never would have seen when I was younger, and would have been plastered all over the news- however this new age is one of transition and upset, it seems. I have looked down this timeline I am in, and actually- after some upset, "things" actually become much better for humans on this planet. Anyway- the spirits of the canines, may even interact with the big cats here, and find a playground- mainly the daughter of the mountain lion who connected with me, those cool nights ago. There is a community of animal here, and I see that the canine spirits enjoy chasing the rabbits here- it is great fun for them Also-I am told, if I hear a rock hit my window again, to wake up, go outside, and see who threw it. I will likely see a cryptid of some kind
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 2, 2024 10:29:09 GMT 9.5
I chose to walk the dogs today, as I did not yesterday, and there was a break in the rain, and on the walk, I communicated with a reptilian, who is overseeing my progress
He told me, that it is very rare, someone "gets to" go through the things I have endured (That are to me, like horror)
He said, other living things, can become "lost" in their many lives- but that this work I am going through, is designed to help me reconnect with myself
And, that it can be a terrible thing to move on from a life, and leaving a "part" of your true self behind
Such as, you may be "Searching" for it for some time, again, as it makes it way back to you
I had to take his word for it, as it seems adverse, but I cannot help but think that he is correct, as I work out, and mine out, more positive things that I would never know existed, had I not of been pressured this way
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Post by paul on Apr 2, 2024 10:42:08 GMT 9.5
>These canines... enjoy pressing their bodies against me.
Occasionally I meet large dogs that like doing that - once even a dog I had never met came over to me and leaned against my leg .... until I moved after a while. Small dogs tend to jump up - perhaps to be closer to eye level
It looks like the human heart has 7 levels/subplanes: 4 in the personal heart and 3 in the cosmic heart.
It looks like standard dogs can only accumulate substance in the 4 lower subplanes.
I suspect that some dogs come so that we can share heart substance with them
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 3, 2024 1:02:16 GMT 9.5
>These canines... enjoy pressing their bodies against me. Occasionally I meet large dogs that like doing that - once even a dog I had never met came over to me and leaned against my leg .... until I moved after a while. Small dogs tend to jump up - perhaps to be closer to eye level It looks like the human heart has 7 levels/subplanes: 4 in the personal heart and 3 in the cosmic heart. It looks like standard dogs can only accumulate substance in the 4 lower subplanes. I suspect that some dogs come so that we can share heart substance with them From what I can see, wolves have an additional 1.5 heart levels, one that has been "Bred out of them" by humans (Such as independence) and a half of a higher root chakra, that has not been fully developed yet in their Beingness. (Canineness) The one being developed seems to be a higher (Divine) type of chakra, and my divinity/access ot higher realms is being used to assist in that unfoldment as far as I know Well, today was rather momentous, this morning. Fine, then- I allowed the puppies free roam of the house, fed them, and gave them goats milk in the evening, and went to bed- and not so much as a peep came from them, as they settled in to their little places and homes. I got a good sleep... This morning, I was given access ot higher forms of myself. SO many things were revealed... I was FINALLY given access to my softer parts- that had been cut open and twisted up and tormented "Healing" can be excruciating..." Or, it can be wonderful, loving healing- loving healing I got to experience for the first time, today! I was also granted access to my parents lives, and more wisdom surrounding them, and I saw myself, as relating to my father, he "did his best" but this world did not prepare him for marriage and children. And my mother, was once pure- perverted and twisted by the cruelty of this realm, she used "teaching" me as an excuse to vomit her cruelty onto and into me, which in turn twisted me similar to her (This is my journey out) I was given, compassion for my parents this morning Just the beginning, it is understanding of them, and deeper forgiveness I am reminded, of a verse in the Bible, where Jesus/God says, if you do not forgive others, they cannot forgive you... However, as I am on a journey to forgive my mother, father, brothers, world, etc- and MYSELF- I realize, forgiving other sin some cases- comes first, but paves a way, for you to then rightfully forgive yourself Given as, the kingdom of heaven is "within" you- perhaps there is an allegory to God and self, "god" forgiving you may be supplanted with you forgiving yourself The truth will set you free The puppies have been a source of life and joy. The deceased female, memories came back to haunt me- but I was warned- not to entertain them! Not to bring back the sorrow!! Because, it will bring back her gentle spirit, and torment it Needlessly! and I am WEARY of needless torment of myself and those around me (Release her, and allow her, to live her lives, with joy propelling her, not sorrow that will drag her down! Perhaps this is why ancient cultures had elaborate funeral rights. Partying is the way to go, and positive feelings, solemness can drag them down, nobody wants that!)
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 3, 2024 9:43:17 GMT 9.5
Well, I had a talk with my mother, and it seems as if there is no convincing her, it resulted in endless circular arguments- but I did better than previously, I caught myself multiple times, and reverted, from condemning her.
However, I have no concrete memories of things she did, aside from a memory I DID tell her, of the foot thing, and she just shrugged it off.
I know God wants me to "Have faith" to get the ranch and the horse, I am growing more and more weary.
I told her, the last thing I said as she walked away, "Just let me go!"
I told her, I did not even want the horse, I do not want her holding it over my head, even after death, her little, demonic-satanic claws in my soul even after death, I asked her- please- take me out of the will, and please- kick me out of here so I can move on with my life.
She mentioned my age, how I live, etc, I told her that's on you and the father. She said, "I guess everything is my fault!" Typical, boomer mentality, and inability to be accountable.
She, like her husband, maintains innocence, even though I do have concrete memories- things she cannot weasel out of- because SHE WAS THERE
She also is losing some of her memories, as my father broke her leg in anger, and now she says it never happened.
Well, one step closer to closure, I guess.
I was told, not to rush or panic, to maintain as usual, and go about my life.
Of interest is how my mother maintains how cold I am to her, that I am so rude and ignoring her- when my spirit (Gut area) is terrified of her and gets twisted in knots every time I am around her.
I again, wondered if I am doing this to myself- if she was an angel when I was a kid- but it seems as if what I believe is God and the universe actually get furious with me if I do that, as if an abuse victim blames themselves.
However, the concrete memories still evade me- it is perhaps because I am too homicidal right now to receive them- perhaps in time.
My ex told me her psych said, "If you think it happened it happened." meaning, if you believe abuse happened, it likely did.
And, I know what my father did to me, even though she even tried to downplay that, likely because I brought up the fact that she remained with him even though he was homicidal.
I showed her my Ka-bar military fighting knife, and asked her- do you remember what my father said when I bought him one for his birthday- you said "He will probably kill em with it." She down-played that too, but did not deny it (At least that.)
I told her about this, "demon" piutting the family agaisnt each other, but I also asked her- what, exactly, do we have? The violent pedophile father, the worthless brother, the other brother that wants nothing to do with any of the family, the mother who believes she is a saint- and me.
Funnily enough, she said I am under a "Great deception" and has "Vivid memories" of my childhood- yet I have vivid memories of it, that she does not.
Regardless- she says her spirit says the "opposite" of what I say God tells me, and my spirit- says the opposite of hers.
I did corner her when she told me I was deceived in my spirit- and said- so you cannot be deceived in yours? She stumbled over her words for a bit after that.
I do not think she is going to kick me out of here, but hopefully I get closure either way- if God is going to do something, it needs to be a miracle and it needs to be soon.
I also told her, that horse was revealed to be my birthright, and that she robbed me of it when I was a child (I did not say robbed, but 'took'- this is what I was shown by God, and why I am living the way I live, even at this age)
I know, and I have seen, my mother has a terrible reckoning coming, after her friend- and I- leave the ranch, she will either face her karma, or not.
I also know if I do not "get the horse" I may live a continued life of poverty and struggles after I leave here- but I am finding less and less reason to remain here.
God also showed me, he sent her her BF to "Show her" she is in error- and I brought up how she failed me, utterly, to teach me the gospel- I told her she has no business trying to bring anyone else to "god" with what she did to me.
She is fantastic at feigning piety and religion, I just wish she would ask God what he thinks about it
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