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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 6, 2024 10:17:45 GMT 9.5
The deeper I look, the more I see...
I was denied my humanity, my beingness, my value, my worth, my identity.
By some outward inspections, I had a violent, and scary life, but I should be "okay" maybe a little bit, "Fucked up", except, the deeper things- the unseen, the spiritual, the field-effect, the unspoken, the demonic, the angelic, etc- those things- were all turned against me
I see it, more and more.
It is disheartening, the damage that was done, and especially during the "attack" or, reveal of my brokenness at the wolf sanctuary- maybe labeling it as a "reveal", the inner wolves, released to rip apart all of the rest of my being that was vulnerable.
Exposing me, and then coming here and learning about much, much higher things than just "god" and the inner earth, much deeper than established religion, far deeper.
The more I explore the idea of "helping" my mother, the more my stomach churns and my guts twist up in a knot.
The van is taking an entirely new platform to launch from.
My future, is yet uncertain.
I was thinking about visiting SLab City in California, to see what that would be like.
I was writing, a thing on a vanlife forum, it went over the character limit, though it was the shortest I had written yet, but I began to realize: there really is no place for me, it feels like- not with humanity.
It always goes back to Alaska, and disappearing there.
I kept reading how communes have tyrants, and exploring the timelines: I see this is very true.
I also see the greater me, very far off.
I am reconciling things with the wolf girls, I do not wish to abandon them in any way, or hurt them, and, in negotiating with the greater me, to do what it is I am supposed to do (either something positive, or to annihilate) I want to be rewarded by living with them both (Both wolf girls. Anastasia, and Ladywolf. Perhaps thru different timelines, so I can experience life with both women.)
Right now it remains up in the air.
If I go to Wyoming to live with my marginally functional alcoholic friend, he wants to start a business and I would be the help for it, that is, at least, somewhat sustainable.
California, I hear, is going to fall into turmoil at some point in the recent future.
That's not really the scene I want
I want to, bathe in the darkness, in the tent behind my house, and commune with what lives out there
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 6, 2024 10:38:16 GMT 9.5
My problem is, it seems, I am not established, with a foundation or starting point. No goal or mission
All that was taken from me a long time ago it seems
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 6, 2024 11:13:33 GMT 9.5
I think, in a way, all I can do is write my future, as I see it, the most ideal outcome, based on what I know, presently.
"Dogman" part 2
Daves eyes fell on the blue corner of his center monitor- Carlos' phone linked with the bluetooth check in software- and he pressed the "confirm" check in button.
Sounds cut through his soul, his skull- it seemed, as Carlos shed his jacket, the clank of the coat hanger, the air of depression that surrounded him, even though he had a family- and he was genuinely happy.
The creeping fear of the future, of yet another war, erupting between a super power and another nation, after the last one largely went uncontested- in order to avoid another world war.
Perhaps, the lack of involvement from other super powers- by waging a proxy war- had emboldened the rogue nation, to start other wars.
Dave did not know- and he was starting not to care.
With another sigh, Dave briefly recounted how he had barely managed to stay afloat- and fed- in order to slowly, start his own plumbing business- the only field he had extensive knowledge in.
It had been hard.
He had to live in his van, for years- while he saved up the money to begin the small company, with three employees.
However, he found solace in the van.
And, this month, sales were up- just a little.
With a bit of a deep swallow, he opened his browser.
Clicking the Amazon link he had saved: He purchased three of the stainless steel flasks.
~
Dave had exited his office, at the perfect time to be confronted, with a muddy, weary Carlos, a bitter Jake (He was usually this way- but he coped, and Dave respected him for at least that- being single and all.) and a distracted Janet, who Dave was sure, was a lesbian- though he did not judge.
Carlos sighed, touching his phone to the contactor, and sighed- knowing his boss was watching him.
"GEt it?" Dave said, softly, knowing, it was a hell of a deal, and that it could easily take another week to repair the septic tank leech lines.
"Got it." Carlos said with a smile that brightened the room- and Daves soul.
"Right on." Dave said with a nod, happily mentally adding to the pot he wanted to give Carlos- and maybe the others- if they stayed long enough.
"You guys want tomorrow off?" Dave asked, knowing he could close the doors for a day or two, and give him employees a break.
"Not if I want my kids to eat." Carlos said, with a bit of a worried grin.
"Alright. Just offering." I could feel Jakes desire, for some time off, thick in the air.
Dave knew, if he could take the rest of his life, off as well- that he would.
~
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 6, 2024 13:02:40 GMT 9.5
One good thing. I am still reversing course into my past, and replacing the religious-parental programmed beliefs.
Such as, there are other lives other than eternal "heaven" and "Hell"
This is greatly freeing, as these beliefs were used to trap me
And, gives me hope for the future
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 6, 2024 15:01:28 GMT 9.5
Also seeing more:
If I am not whole, I cannot be the best version of myself for Anastasia and Ladywolf.
So it benefits everyone that I heal.
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Post by stewartedwards on Apr 6, 2024 21:31:45 GMT 9.5
>assist my mother in her unfoldment An excellent investment. Your mother may well, in future incarnations, be your mother/wife/daughter/sister yet again. Or your cat.🐈 It’s funny how traits can remain after reincarnation. Or a fair number of coincidences. Working on the assumption that one of our cats was my mother, it was possibly a matter of months, a year or so at most, for her to find her way back to me. I guess, given the speed, it matters to her, and whoever above allocates such things.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 7, 2024 1:10:09 GMT 9.5
I had a vivid, long running dream last night.
I was, aboard a cruise ship... I got a call from one of my clients, who suggested after I sold the land I bought, to go on a "cruise"- so the entire dream took place on a large cruise ship.
My mother, and father and little brother were all there (Not my middle brother. He checked out at an early age, seeing that the family was going nowhere.)
My mother, and father: abandoned both my little brother and I.
There was a group there- they were far more organized and connected than an organized crime syndicate, in my "estimation" they were CIA, as the FBI does not typically engage in such dark activities.
They were the, "Bad guys".
My father, had taken all of my firearms- my only means of defense and survival- aboard this cruise ship, where everyone was out to get you (me) and my little brother I was trying to take care of- I hid him in a closet with a window (port), and went on, trying to find my weapons.
The CIA/OS men were constantly hunting me, and I went on quite a journey, trying to find the exact cupboard with my weapons in it.
The dream was very long running, very intense, and fast paced, with high stress.
I think I eventually began to realize it was a dream towards the end.
I kept calling out to my parents, but my father had long-ago checked out, and my mother- clung to him- and ran from/avoided/fled us (for him).
I realized, it was just my little brother and I- though he was essentially useless in the mission, as he was young, and small, and I had to do everything.
There was also a sewer scene, where I was in some manner of city sewer system, possibly from a video I saw of a sewer clog before I went to bed.
It is not often I have a dream and an interpretation, but this is the interpretation.
I also made a mistake, teaching the puppies to climb up on the bed, today I woke up to five puppies, writhing, crawling, screaming, playing and pulling on ym hair and beard, dancing on top of me, and generally making it hard to sleep. After placing them back down on the ground, they were immediately back onto the bed, as puppy persistence is not often frustrated.
Well, the interpretation is: My parents abandoned us children, young to old- in order to be with "themselves"- but this was not a small abandonment, this was a massive, "We'd be better off if you had never been born." type of abandonment, "You are only alive because we would be in jail if we killed you." type of abandonment.
Interesting, that after the divorce my mother told me, she offered herself back to my father- but he turned her down.
I also confronted her this most recent talk, about when I bought my father a Ka-Bar fighting knife and she remarked, "He will probably kill me with it."
However, I cornered her with truth when I asked her- if she gave a shit about us- why stay with such a man?
Anyway, the weather is not that great, and I am waiting to go to the junkyard to pick up another fuel tank, as I think I messed my tank up, trying to fix the hole they put in it to drain the fuel, and made it about 15x bigger. Hopefully i find one without a hole in it
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 7, 2024 1:14:46 GMT 9.5
>assist my mother in her unfoldment An excellent investment. Your mother may well, in future incarnations, be your mother/wife/daughter/sister yet again. Or your cat.🐈 It’s funny how traits can remain after reincarnation. Or a fair number of coincidences. Working on the assumption that one of our cats was my mother, it was possibly a matter of months, a year or so at most, for her to find her way back to me. I guess, given the speed, it matters to her, and whoever above allocates such things. I see how, when I was growing up, I was cruel to animals- those animals were likely loved ones, who volunteered to endure that, to show me a lesson. Also when Paul said my mother may incarnate with me, my first heart reaction was: youtu.be/31g0YE61PLQ?si=qhJy-pvlk0Olzn0OEven my own mother said- if she was guilty of what I was accusing, that I "Should have killed her and my father" Yeah I should have. I heard about a guy living In Slab City who loaded a pistol and waited for his abuser to come thru a door to shoot him. I remember, loading up an SKS rifle and aiming it at the door, waiting for my father to come back in. Had he of, come back to continue abusing me, I would have shot him thru the head.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 7, 2024 11:21:30 GMT 9.5
Today was interesting.
I got a call from a potential client, another client came to town, and there are 2 more business things I have available to me as well. It was told to me, work would come suddenly and I would have more than I could handle- well it seems to be coming true.
The first client said, he needed a small thing done, now it is turning into a large re-pipe and water heater.
I went to the junk yard, trying to cut out a windshield, and ended up fucking it up, as I usually now just cut the metal around it and cut the glass out later, because I have not mastered cutting the glass out of the vehicle.
I got a good, new-ish water pump for the engine, clutch, and fan.
I questioned if I was moving too fast, by going to the junkyard, if I should wait and give it time, but I was granted access to higher realms at the junkyard- I wonder why, things seem to happen at the junkyard, spiritually.
Is it, because the broken down, "useless" vehicles are given a second chance at life, to bless people who need their parts?
And that spirit is there?
Such as, every one of those vehicles once made someone so happy, and now they sit, being picked-a-part.
Maybe it is analogous of my soul, which was once discarded, and is now experiencing renewal, but to better things, instead of back to the old, dead end ways.
I was able to achieve several planes higher consciousness today.
I experienced "good" restorative healing, as earlier, healing was excruciating and agonizing. So it felt "good" to feel "good"
I am also calming down.
I am seeing my entire being begin to calm down, to move from crisis thinking.
It is good- and I am seeing so many things through a new light.
Earlier, my mothers dog escaped and came to bark at my dogs, so I return ed her dog to her, and, my husky escaped today, and my mother returned him to me, and I thanked her.
I realized- I no longer harbor the same resentment against her.
I accepted, the worst that could happen, becoming homeless, committed to a mental institution, going on meds that would destroy my spirit life- and I accepted that.
Maybe it would be the best thing for me?
Or, the idea that- I have plenty of time, money is beginning to flow in as I become open to it- rather than closed off with fear.
The puppies are a delight. I awoke to five of them, boarding my bed in the morning, chewing on my hair and beard, pouncing on me as I tried to sleep, growling and fighting and playing on the bed.
It was okay. I was not angry about it.
More than this, I was worried about the puppies going to good homes- but my negativity and fear is attracting those adverse things I want to avoid- so as I ascended ot higher planes of thought- so did my hopes for these dogs.
The puppies, are having a wonderful life, of roughousing, playing, chewing, fighting, exploring, and enjoying their lives.
The dogs' wounds are nearly completely healed. Only small scabs remain, on even the worst wounds. I was right! Left alone, they heal better than with human intervention.
No cone was needed.
It feels strange to re-explore the emptied, traumatized chasms of my mind and heart.
I am receiving new joy about the live in work van.
New hope for the future.
New, seeing myself for the first time, new areas of my being. And, investing energy in myself.
Forgiving self, giving self allowance, looking at self as if I was looking at a good friend and treating self similarly.
I am told not to make plans too far into the future, yet. Things are still unfoldingo
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 7, 2024 14:17:26 GMT 9.5
This all seems to be planned.
I say this, because I was never granted an "Identity"- which as the older me, he never found rest, peace, or sanctity/comfort in life.
Now that I have endured and gone through what I have endured, and am coming out of the other side- I struggle to find the identity of the new me.
It also seems, the answers are (comfortably) within me.
However, as I struggle to cultivate a whole identity, it seems as if, that this is for the new me to fully discover, before I am allowed, or am able, to rest in it.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 8, 2024 2:00:18 GMT 9.5
Of interest to me: youtu.be/jzB1Vc1h-Tc?si=1yISdrvWt0fRNM1yI was watching this show, of a knowledgeable woman, which impresses me. However, when she was driving, I was asked to look deeper into the idea of feminine humans... Because, something is wrong with the way I think about women. And then I saw it! My mother, wanted me, to see human women (Such as herself) as superior beings, to be worshipped and reverenced, and then it made sense- IN ORDER TO PUT HERSELF, her needs, desires, wants- above MYSELF. She wanted a SLAVE Because she could not master herself- due to her own trauma, and wanted an easy, comfortable life with others who serve her. Which, is the standard effortless desire of many human women, to settle in to her maternal role while the male provides. However, this dynamic is incestuous. Well, fuck me running. God, and some other beings are STILL trying to get me to stay on this ranch, when my heart- wants to get out of here and start over. I now have four washing machines in front of my home, and none of them work. I have a meeting with a client in a few hours, which means i have to buy clothes. In my van, when it is complete, will be a 12V washing machine, where I can wash my clothes, and maintain a good work appearance. Ironic, trying to accomplish this with a home- is almost impossible right now. I awoke to annoying puppies barking and playing, and trying to wake me up. But, as the adult dogs mobbed me on my bed, I had a small sense of, completion, of contentment, and the ability to set them in the place of my would-be family. I could sustain it, for a time, as I became aware, that it's the familial life-force (Wife, children) that lends soul-spirit-life energy of communion to the male of the house, which adds years to his life, and we aqre programmed to innately desire more life. Dogs are a substitute for that, and other animals, when one has no other human in their lives. I see, that there is a mixture of fear, anger, and resentment in my mother, which is why she refuses to give me the birthright her and her husband (to a lesser degree) robbed from me. People either do not understand, that robbing your child of their birthright will result in bad karma, or they do not care, but the debt will be repaid. I still see many generations of suffering in other generations, from the sins of their fathers (and mothers) Not all "ancestors" are just. In a way, it is good that I have not had children, as in some manners, I would be perpetuating my own trauma onto them, as I see, even in these puppies- some of my karma is a burden to them, as I am a spiritual father of them, but not physical, like I would be if I fathered a child. I am still unsure of the future, which way to go. I wish a path would reveal itself, I wish I could move on. There is a part of me, that sees a bigger plan, that is "for" me, but things keep changing. THings are easier when you have a "Narrow path" to follow. Harder, when all avenues are valid. I am able to, put myself in the shoes of womankind, to see what makes them happy, and receive visions of it, and insight into their spirits. I see a lot of information for this. I see a temporary path of help for this, but, my spirit desires something more eternal (?) I do not know. Part of me, wishes to get my schizophrenic diagnosis, and then go on welfare, and live the remainder of my life in ease, rest, and healing. I would have very little, but I would also need very little.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 8, 2024 14:01:20 GMT 9.5
I became aware yesterday (bot forgot) a plan to assist my mother, as if- much of this, was to wake me up- but also, to "Show her".
She, too, is deeply trapped.
Her trapped-ness, is what trapped me.
And how useless resentment and anger are (I was shown this again)
Some more, troubling things came from Anastasia, such as, I was listening to a crass song that made me a bit ill- but she was (highly) attracted to the singer.
It was enough to make me, enter my vessel, and depart without her.
However- I was shown, this is just a "part" of her- and also, to be lenient on her, and to give her time (and not judge her.)
Ladywolf has become more of interest to me.
It appears as if Anastasia is a multi dimensional being, with many aspects to her beingness.
Ladywolf- is a more physical girl, however- she is my First.
I continue to have passion for both women.
However- the orange/blue eyed wolfess in the water who is part Avian- she came to me, when I felt the vexing things listening to that song, and she pushed her heart energy to me, and she showed me: she would not act this way. She feels similarly to me- and she would remain in my company.
I was heartened by this- but am unsure of how to pursue a relationship with her, or if it would be advantageous to add another wolfess into my realm- though I am by far- not rejecting her.
She adds a maturity, and wholeness that frankly, I need right now.
I am to give her a name, however I take such matters with some weight, so I may allow it to come to me naturally.
At least she has art of her! So you know what she looks like (Exactly.)
I will remain with, and strick to my mother: until something happens- I am, a razors edge, hair-width ready to leave this place forever- and her as well. In fact, I DESIRE it.
However, apparently, this issue is important to the higher beings.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 11, 2024 3:14:05 GMT 9.5
So I was at the shop yesterday, trying to complete the van frame, when I realized, my spirit is not okay with this
It is not okay with any of it.
I have become divorced/detached from my wolf girls, as I first realized, they are not invested in me the way I am invested in them...
So, i retreated back to my home, to lay in my bed and relax (Big tired)
I went through a period of despair, of growth, of learning, of giving up
Of releasing outcome to the universe, if the "worst thing" comes to pass then it comes to pass
I will allow it and see where it goes
Maybe it becomes the best thing (?)
Well, I woke up today, the puppies romping around woke me up early, around 6 AM instead of 8, and I decided to wake up, and drink my tea
I felt the usual- if I remain in my bed- then I grow tired again, and if tired, then why tired- I have a sleep deficit, if not from the previous night, then being vigilant my entire life, so then- 44 years plus
Might as well start chipping it off, as I have it good here
So I began to rest again, the puppies were silent
And I got some rest, but was still struggling with the inner battle(s) especially the attack on my soul at the wolf sanctuary- the connotations, effects, healing, and ways out of that malaise, torment, and wounding
And something began to penetrate the veil of mist in the darkness- it seems as if some of the best times of my life are happening now
And, I am completely missing them.
And, the universe does not like this
I am being held to a much higher standard, the highest I am aware of
(Perhaps one higher?)
And, how, the secret is in the rest.
I am to rest
As my ex told me when she slept for six months, she said she was made deeply suicidal- and I began to feel such
However, I would rather the solution present itself rather than mans drugs pollute my brain
So, it appears as if, again, the answer is presenting itself: it is rest.
About the wolf girls, my wolf women:
It seems as if they are not as invested in me: because they cannot be.
Previously, I was un-investable, as I was not complete, miserable, cruel and selfish.
The girls attempted to invest into me: but they were punished, rather than rewarded, which is why, they in turn, punished me back at the wolf sanctuary.
Alright!
However- they are observing the man I am becoming, and as Anastasia told me, many times: any red blooded woman would desire a man like me (i am becoming.) and that includes hot blooded, red blooded wolf WOMEN.
It seems as if, it is as i thought- the wolf women are my dessert, my pleasant treats, my lovers for a job well done, who wait in my chambers, for their master to come to them
It is not a time to claim the reward prematurely.
This is good, and gives me long term hope, but I do not lay hold of it yet, until the work is done.
Apparently, I am to rest, to relax, to recuperate, to heal, and allow unfoldment and wholeness to have its way within my Being
How this will play out with my "planned" future I am not sure, entirely
I do have a deep tired within me
caused by many factors, childhood, pre born, adulthood, and attack.
Alright well, apparently the order now is to rest.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 11, 2024 6:50:21 GMT 9.5
After a rest this morning, and releasing of tension, stress and worry, I was shown, that as I detach from fear, or show braveness, that I am hitting what's known as a "save point" where, I have overcome the torment of the event at the wolf sanctuary, to where I would be attached to a realm I would be at, had I not of experienced the event at the wolf sanctuary.
I am told this is a good thing, and proof of my progress
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 11, 2024 7:27:21 GMT 9.5
This seems to be the day of my members returning to me
Of settling down
Of stepping out of crisis living
I am reading the 21 steps, and though I don't fully understand it, spiritual sponsors are helping me with "behind the scenes" spirit work to get things back under control
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 11, 2024 15:29:25 GMT 9.5
Today has been momentous with respect to the event at the wolf sanctuary.
So many things are being revealed to me- and they are good.
Of interest to me- one of my "tormentors"- I apparently met just an hour ago.
I was reading a comic, about an animal-person, who enrols in a new school, alongside humans. (A parallel world, or an inner earth society that mirrors our own- but they have animal people amongst them, unlike us.)
This animal person is very adorable, and innocent, and the humans give her a terrible time, and are cruel and demeaning to her.
I am aware that, in some animal-person societies, as they are stronger and more equipped than humans, keep humans as slaves and food- and the opposite is also true, in human dominated societies- so this could be a part of that anger towards this animal person.
Page after page, she is treated cruelly, and assaulted, even, and with each page, my heart broke for her. (She is a fox-woman apparently.)
Eventually, I found myself, inserting myself into the situation, rather than feeling helpless about it, and creating a fantasy scenario in my mind, where I reach out to her- to befriend her.
In one such scenario, I inserted myself with earnest intent, into the scenario- imagining her, not anthropomorphisized with huge eyes and a cute expression, but a blank look on her face, and a focused intent on her pained heart-energy (As it can be difficult to assess an animal persons mood just by looking at them- their body language can be "muted" by their animalness.)
However, in that scenario, I protected her- and I took command of the situation- of the bullies-
And, summoning my ethereal abilities, a very large wolf-man stepped into my vision.
Unlike the vision- which may be happening on a timeline- this wolf-man was very real.
I sensed his presence- he has been with me for some time, likely since the event at the wolf sanctuary.
Let me describe him:
His skin is black, either from dirt, or charring, he is VERY muscular, powerful, tall, and intimidating.
He did not show me his face, until I pressed into the matter, and he resembles one of the Egyptian gods- one may guess which one.
Well, I pressed into his Being, into his Intent- and I pushed for an answer of his abilities-
It turns out, with his WILL ALONE, he is able to, "connect" consciousness with an array of unassigned clone bodies, deep within the inner earth, in the rehabilitation (Where your consciousness goes if you need "correction" from adverse behavior in this life.) to anchor consciousness to them.
A base religious person would say, he has the ability to "Damn" "souls" with just his thoughts- especially if ones behavior is adverse.
I judged the emotions of the bullies- and indeed- it turned out, they had a look of horror, and seeing their hearts- they were in a state of sheer terror- being anchored into a very dark, adverse place, where they would be placed into the hands of the nine kingdoms, to experience similar to what they gave, in their home realms.
Like a pre-damnation.
I can say, that this horror, is what I experienced at the wolf sanctuary, myself.
It took until today to release enough of it, to meet this dark fellow.
Indeed, he was a part of the experience at the wolf sanctuary- if not responsible for the majority of the adverse feelings!
Incredible!
THis goes along with, meeting Sekmhet, who was according to lore, once a bloodthirsty killer, but who was changed with empathy (A sort of red rain fell upon her.)
I have always had an attachment to the Egyptian gods and goddesses, always- my entire life- something always appealed to me about them.
Apparently, if the circumstances are right, I am allowed to "Borrow" of his abilities, and connect consciousness to arrays of unassigned soul bodies. (though I am cautioned not to "push" it. I think this may in part be due to my desire to "right wrongs" but in the end I end up destroying a wrong that is being used for right. Making things worse! I have yet to discern what my soft heart is for!)
I was also asked to attempt to mate with Marcosias, (?) who is known as the queen of werewolves- but she resisted me- so I did not push the matter.
Apparently, I am part of a "new thing" and should not mix with the old?
Anyway today was a good day, with respect to finding more of self.
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 12, 2024 3:49:38 GMT 9.5
As I detach from the (*adverse) wolfesses, (Though I do not blame them- and the parallels to my mother are striking here...)
I am lead back to my origins- which are shrouded in darkness and, "through a glass darkly"- hidden from me.
Last night I became aware of my masculinity, and this masculine energy- was being actively drained by these, beautiful wolf-women. (The adverse ones. The one woman I have shown here multiple times- remains stoic- but for me, a positive asset to me. I have not given her a name, yet, lest I overcomplicate an already complicated spiritual matter)
Why are they, drawing my masculine energy?
I was shown a part of it: some of these women wish to be men, and "feed" off of the masculinity of my Being- which also serves to mask off my masculinity.
If I had to put an origin on this I would say it is my mother, who was wounded as a child- and views masculine energy as a danger to her being, who then taught me masculinity was an adverse (not so) trait, and trained me to ride an edge of masculinity and femininity, which the latter, being a mortal sin according to her "religion" (So she was restrained from pushing me off of a sin that would have outed her in her church as being unhealthy ot her children, or child- me)
I would add, the only difference between her abrahamic religion and others is- that I am being honest about it
Well, as I grow and heal, and reach out to my lost masculine memories (being a part of a vast, and unstoppable galactic armada, ancient memories of being a noble ships captain, of heroic masculine traits that I rested upon- rather than preserving- a mistake that has landed me thus, hijacked by sexy cryptid women, but as we understand, this hijacking forcing me to work at it, which produces fruit for my own being)
I was listening to older metal music, and the comments, mentioned a band called, "Death", where the singer came down with a tumor that had surgery to remove, but it returned- (not saying a parallel between the name.) and how the US medical system let him die without care- and how his friends tried raising money for him but it was too late- he died at age 34, needlessly- because of US greed
And at that moment, I was plunged into agony as something entered into a cavity of mine, and caused me so much agony my dog stared at me, and would not look away- perhaps to ask, is my owner going to be okay, do I need to break through glass and escape this place for my own well being, and carry my pups out as well?
We may rag-on the high taes of other systems, but the irony is, we are ALREADY taxed 33-50% (I one worked for a CPA, I saw first-hand what people made and were taxed) and yet, countries who tax this much have the decency to treat their ailing, whereas in the USA we let them die (Unless they have the money to afford treatment)
The more I uncover about my country, and I see both sides- the justification, being in the military sector, how easy and quick it is to justify something that later becomes viewed as immoral- until one shifts focus to the military understanding of it (then it makes sense)
Long story short-
The country I was raised to believe was just, really falls short, when weighed against other systems-
And, yet, preserves some basic dignities those other "superior" systems fall so short from. (Such as preservation of self)
I guess if it comes down to it, those across the sea, prefer their "free" healthcare, and we, prefer our lack of it, but presence of firearms and weaponry
And taking one side as opposed to the other is not wise
And how seemingly adverse the things are unfolding all over the world are actually good things, such as, see this festering wound: take care of it or die, rather than living with it, as it fester elsewhere
alright
Well. I am taking my time, and resting.
My mother has dug her own pit, and is content to rest in it, I could choose panic and work on the van, or let things unfold naturally- without a single care about it
The latter being beneficial long term
Teh former perhaps burying me in my own fear based hole
It does not help I have no home.
That, there is a place where I belong, that I have not found
But, I can feel it.
Becoming everything I have veer feared and hated- it seems as if those adverse things were the archetype for my destiny
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 12, 2024 6:35:14 GMT 9.5
Paul, some things,
I am beginning to view my parents as inconsequential.
No longer relating to my being or future.
I have also transcended a level in my being, the symptom is joy
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Post by paul on Apr 12, 2024 10:21:29 GMT 9.5
Joy is of the heart and of divine spirit
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Post by tundrawolf on Apr 12, 2024 21:45:31 GMT 9.5
Yesterday, I dialed-up a wolfess.
She had grey and white fur, and she was attached to Anastasia and Ladywolf.
She had deep emotional and heart connection/healing for me.
It was so beautiful, that I had to pause, in my vehicle, stop and give her my undivided attention:
I looked deep, deep, deep into her golden-yellow eyes, and saw strands of the deepest, richest emerald green
Blues
A strand or two of red.
Her eyes, bounced around, looking into mine, studying mine, as I studied hers.
It was a rich, deep bonding moment- and for a brief period- I could feel her Beingness
She mentioned she enjoyed my euphoria when I was drinking alcohol, the joy and etc- so I got some beer, and I drank it, and it was not the same as before, when I was drinking constantly, I hope it had the effect she desired, but I feel it did not
However this morning I was again plunged into despair, however, this despair again showed me, these are unhealed areas
ALSO
The hearts of Anastasia and Ladywolf connected with me yesterday- I summoned them to me, or they came to me, either one- in earnest, showing me of themselves.
So, I dialed up their beingness, and saw them clearly- I cannot say which wolfess, but she resonated more with Anastasia
I saw her clearly- since these attractive wolfesses nibbled on me, I grew afraid of them, however this fear has been a barrier to right relationship
However I saw her.
Before this, I felt a great deal of my mothers energy, but within these wolfesses
And, rather than being sickened by it, I accepted it.
After accepting it, I was granted a clear vision of the wolfess, who resonated with the energy of Anastasia- and partially- a connected portion with Ladywolf.
And, I grew closer to her, relating to heart energy
And saw her clearly.
(This was before the connection with the grey and white wolfess.)
It was good.
The grey and white wolfess was with me this morning, watching, guiding, showing me, tender ways of the heart
All around me, jubilant puppies romp, roll, growl and bark and play, and the adults also have joined in
In a way, i wish these puppies would be purchased en masse by a single buyer, and allowed to all grow up together, a big, happy pack of canines
Sadly, many humans lack the understanding of the canine to allow this to unfold naturally
I am receiving good news about the wolves, very good news
Perhaps I have passed a blockade, a test, and am granted higher access?
Also
Anastasia and Ladywolf, and perhaps another wolfess, the wire-haired blackened inner earth wolfess, with fur like blades and needles, who is rather beautiful, with the black eyes, yet who has a soft heart (but it is good not to test it...)
They told me yesterday-
"We have been deceived."
"Like you."
They were shown a form of my mother- and that, the key to my heart was to adopt her being- but they understand now, that my mother is adverse- and this was not so.
I agreed with them, and empathized with them- and spent time absorbing their resonances- and communing with them
They desire me.
Romantically-
And, I desire them.
Romantically!
They were shown (erroneously) that my mother was a way to me.
So- I began to show them a better way- AND! I began softening my being, as, perhaps- this was once true- but no longer
In my running of business affairs yesterday- the female canine, who is a protector and mother- watches me always
In fact, one person in a truck yelled to me, "She is going to break your van window (it was partially rolled down on both sides for her and the other adult canine) getting to you!"
And, they have been unusually cuddly, and desiring to be touching me.
I am unsure why, totally- only that perhaps, I am transcending in some deep spiritual methods
I was also made aware, some days ago, that I have done all of this before- but that I am actually a much higher being than this, and this basic training was necessary, to assist in my unfoldment
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