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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 24, 2024 2:04:01 GMT 9.5
Of possible interest,
Recently I made the decision not to deprive myself of any food I wanted.
I refused to compromise. I ate what I want, when I wanted, and how much I felt like eating.
I began to become gluttonous- however, I did not judge myself.
Last night I went to bed, extremely full.
I understood I was going to wake up full, and needing to use the bathroom.
Except, that did not happen. I was hungry!
So, I ate what I wanted.
I stopped just shy- when I contemplated on Pauls words above- it turns out I realized overeating is actually punishing myself from lack of self forgiveness.
Interesting!
And, how, self-hatred is actually a direct spiritual attack on your body you are bringing/allowing onto and inside of yourself, and results in all sorts of physical maladies. (Not good!)
How interesting, we self-hate, get cancer, then while self-hating, we seek treatment for the result of self hating, all while, continuing to self hate.
Maybe we learn a lesson in treatment, about self love?
If not, it can attract maladies like this.
I refuse to live like this!
My canines have healed to the degree they may be posted outside of the shop once more. This is a joyous occasion.
I will likely begin taking steps, to cleaning my living realm, for my sake- and also, thanks to Anastasia, for her sake as well. (Apparently, she can smell what I am smelling, and smells that offend me, also offend her. This is because I am part canine in this life, in this body. It gives us fellowship, and I enjoy it.)
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 24, 2024 3:38:37 GMT 9.5
Anastasi'as History: She was born to a powerful warrior, and a self-aware Wolfen mother. Her mother began to question life at an early age, when she saw romantic mismatches happen due to status, within the tribe. Deep down, she knew, "It wasn't right, that the female marrying the male, would not get along or be happy, and yet- the union was celebrated by the tribe." She was never okay with it- and in a sacred union, her husband agreed with her. He was huge, a big brute, so muscular, his muscles got in the way... Of his muscles. However, there was a spark of divine within him, and he had a very wise eye, that Anastasia fell in love with. However, she was disappointed to discover this combination was extremely rare (Brute strength, intelligence, and wisdom.) Her father was special, he was accepted by the military and strong-types protectorate Wolves- and he also had the respect of the much smaller scholars, the "nerds". His ability to grasp extremely complicated matters and respond with wisdom that stunned the scholars, earned him a warm place in their hearts, as well as the military, as he was an expert swordsman as well. However, he was equally as feared by outsiders, due to his sheer size. In short, he was a BIG wolf. He was killed in the war with the human Nazis (It saddens me, some of the wolves have gained sympathy for them- but it is what it is.) much to the broken heart of Anastasia. During Anastasia's childhood, she was captivated by the smells of humans, and their foods, chemicals, and wares- they were much more interesting to her than the wares of her people. So, when a human boy began playing in the forbidden edges of their borders, she decided to throw a rock at him, to get his attention. This, led to her wrestling with him, and discovering that she had a deep spiritual connection with humanity. In short: she fell in love with him. This, however, led to a brutal incident, where she swatted a human girl, who was jealous of her connection with the human boy, causing her face to be scarred by her little, juvenile scars, which led to: Anastasia being placed on a sacrificial wooden cross, to receive a belly-mangling by a sharp, steel clawed glove by their executioner. This was the way the Wolfen "Made things right" with the, "Squishier" (Read: much weaker, and much soft, more able to be damaged, less hardy than the wolves.) human race, to prevent a war between the two tribes. However, before the punishment was to begin, the human boy jumped onto her and hugged her, telling the executioner, if he was going to punish the wolf girl, that he too must also be punished, as he too was at fault for the incident. This noble act from the boy, moved the executioner, to toss the glove down, and walk away- forcing the Wolfen and human, to work it out, or begin war. In the end they both chose to forgive the other side, as a war would be exceptionally bloody and brutal and may result in the extinction of one group, or the other. However, this incident, made-real the reality- that even though her tribe protected her, that in some circumstances, her tribe would indeed punish her- and by many metrics: unfairly. (The human girl was enraged with jealousy, viewing young Anastasia as filthy, vile, stupid, and stinking, wholly unworthy of being "with" a human. This enraged her to begin spiritually moving-in, and trying to **** the human boy away from Anastasia. This, in turn, enraged Anastasia- who felt she had every right to court him, in her own way. THis is why she swiped the human girl, as a warning- to back off from her potential love interest. On a personal note, to me, it was more than justified. Fuck that little bitch. In the end I think the boy married the girl, only adding more heartbreak to Anastasia. However, she never fell fully out of love with him. Mainly, because of what he did: lay his life down to protect her.) After this, Anastasia resolved to become fully invested in the military arts in her tribe. She strived, and struggled, to overcome the sexism in her tribe, to prove herself worthy, by disciplining her body, and become a worthy, respected, and feared warrior: Even by human metrics, this was an impressive feat. One day, during her heat, she was mated to her trainer, when she was alone in the barracks. It opened her up to the idea of mating, and began her openness with her body. However: she was large, strong, and deadly: and many males, including the warriors (!!!) feared approaching her. This kept her lonely, and pent-up, only one other warrior coming to her home, to satisfy her. One day, a group of humans in uniforms came into her tribes territory, and were greeted by some Wolfen, including the children. This group of humans, reeked with pride and superiority- and Anastasia began to become interested in their society and ways. Deep down, she wished they would take her with them, and show them their human world- a desire that would be utterly devastated when she learned of their true purpose. These were Nazis. While some may argue, Hitlers intent started off pure, it is difficult to argue it stayed that way. Racism and blaming other groups for your problems can be based on truth, but at some point, in order to develop, self introspection is often necessary, and the only way out of a perpetual cycle of blaming and misery. Anastasia discovered this first hand, when the Nazis began to grab a younger female Wolfen, to take her and "use her body" for their pleasure- as the Nazis discovered, that while the Wolfen were terrifying to behold, their swords were no match for the MG34's and 42,s' grenades, and explosives, tanks, and etc. The Nazis established a significant presence in Antarctica, the documents for which, were some of the first to be burned, as they hoped to be the final remnants of that ideology, that would prosper in the future. However- when the girls father protested of the defiling of his daughter, he called the warriors, who quite literally- tore the arms off of the Nazis as a warning. Except: the Nazis did not take it that way, and unleashed a volley of machine gun fire, that promptly killed the warrior. This would begin the Wolfen-Nazi conflict. The Wolfen realized, after the nerve shattering caucaphony of the belt fed machine guns, that they were no match for these strange new humans. Inside, Anastasia wept for the lost opportunity to be with these powerful humans. They sent a messenger to seek the help of a more powerful, more advanced race, to exhume, clone, and resurrect a human, who was considered by the Wolfen, to be the father of their race of people. This human, was in a time where there was... No time. So, when he came back to life, he was immersed in an age billions of years older than his: he was tribal, and from a time when metallurgy did not exist, only herbs, plants, bones, and fangs. He mounted a counterattack, as the Nazis began terrorizing the Wolfen, hiding in wait and ambushing them, cutting down their numbers- the Wolfen feeling their world closing in on them, and the Nazis showing them by force: their superiority. Eventually, a counterattack was formed: Which failed horribly. In spite of the Wolfens size, and speed, they were effortlessly cut down. However, not before, in his broken-hearted and helpless rage, the human Wolfen king, led them to make as much collateral damage as possible- killing human women and children, who were stationed there, as the detachment from the main Nazi force amongst the surface humans. Eventually, a third, and much stronger military stepped in- a human military- and drove the Nazis away from the Wolfen. They truck an accord with the Wolfen, but not before they worked with another group, to punish the Wolfen king. Using ancient consciousness, immortality machines, the Wolfen king was selected to be paired with another, more advanced human... Myself... as punishment. I can attest, the Wolfen king, loved his people, with a love that humanity present day has long ago forgotten. It tortured him to not be with hsi people- who despised him, generally- and tortured him until he lost all hope, and ascended into a different, higher realm. I witnessed all this, first hand. Anastasia's father was killed in the counterattack, and this wounded her as much as it sparked her white hot female Wolfen visceral rage. She, took all of her sadness, pain, betrayal, and as humans often do: focused it onto a single victim, which she blamed for it all: The Wolfen king... And myself. (The guy writing this.) Within the consciousness machine, with over a hundred and fifty monitors who were skilled in its use, the king wass merged with my consciousness. It was a brutal, visceral experience, and I was not warned about any of it- a violation of the contract with the Wolfen. This was in part, an attempt to kill me, to be rid of their old king, and hope their way of life returned back to normal. It never would. Eventually, the king gave up, and died one morning, which is documented in another thread. During my time in the machine, however, Anastasia allowed herself to revert to wolf form, where she feasted on my eviscerated clones organs. I could feel everything, in my human body, which manifested as anxiety so extreme, is was inescapable, such as a prey animal, slowly being consumed by a predator: There is no way out, only through. I endured this, for many years, due to time dilation, and cruelty/effectiveness of the consciousness machine operators. Anastasia's enraged, broken heart, betrayed so many times by the race of humans she looked up to and hoped to be accepted by, took all of its anger out on my clone body, which, according to the contract, would come to live with the Wolfen, as their, "Perfected/humbled/enwisened king." THey, however, worked with the Users of the machine, to ensure that never happened, with shady, backroom deals, done in the darkness. Leaving me, a broken, traumatized human, with a deep yearning for wolf people, and wolf-women specifically, with the tainted promise, of one day, being with them- while being utterly betrayed by the people I, and the Wolfen king, loved so deeply. The Wolfen king reluctantly realized this- which is why he gave up. It took me more time to come to terms with it, as I am still yet unsure of "What will happen"- justice or no. Only that I have endured horrible things at the hands of these... Wolves. Fast-forward twenty years after the cruel, barbaric, and vicious "Merging" (It required my clones throat to be cut, and his belly to be disemboweled- or, it is possible, these things were done to cause my death, so the wolves could be rid of me. I felt everything. Ironically being disembowled was less horrific than being eaten alive by Anastasia. Keep in mind, this is a realm where you do not die, your consciousness is "held" cruelly in place, and can endure life ending injuries yet still be conscious. A form of hell... But on the surface of this planet. There are other machines similar to this that go deep into the center of this planet, in various levels, realms, kingdoms, and inner worlds.) Eventually, the wolves got their way, and my clone died, from a broken heart, bodily shock, and the pure horror of it all. This was, a gross violation of the contract with the higher realm to punish their king, and the wolves knew, if they broke this contract, the next to be punished: would be them! So, Anastasia was chosen, to lend her heart to be cloned, as it still contained the spark of life: to be replicated within the chest of the clone: giving him life, again. This is why the heart of Ladywolf (Who was part of something similar, at her level of machine.) compelted me, and why I share a heart with Anastasia. March of 2021 I receive a vivid, waking, sober vision, of a half-wolf half human female woman, hairless, who is stunningly beautiful (to me.) It sends me into a tailspin of questions. The next vision, my heart is connected with hers, which I would discover- is a shared experience with many wolf women, manning these machines, chosen for my genetic attraction to them. I was completed by her. It was a magical, positive experience. Then, I was given two questions to ask her, after being cautioned, "Not to fall in love... Not to assume anything about her..." The answers: She hates me for being weak and cruel, as the former version of myself was indeed, terrible, at times, a mirror of my upbringing She hates a God who would allow her to be paired with such a man She does not want to leave her world/realm, which I incorrectly assumed was a religious place called "hell" (It is merely an inner earth realm, illuminated by crystals, vibrant with life, leading to another surface realm. One day I will draw a map of it. She lives near a human village, and likely has attachments ot humans. I was shown the clone she is attached to is human, and created her, in a laboratory, where you can create life, by combining living waters. When I was younger, I died, and was immersed in the living waters of the source of love.) Shortly after this, I deep dive for answers (which led me here.) I eventually, after about a year, begin to feel my tissues being digested by Anastasia, Ladywolf, etc. (I have little to no connection with the other wolf girls.) I was given options: 1. Give her gas 2. Give her cancer 3. Give her indigestion ( ) 4. Give her life. I chose 4, and told them, not just life, but attach the Source of Love to her as well! I want her to feel loved! And so, it was done. The love that flooded the Beingness of Canineness, spread so effectively that when I procured a puppy as a friend to my dog, I detected the love I had given to Anastasia (And Ladywolf, as she got hungry too) within the puppy! (resonating within her.,) so it was a marker that it had been effective. After much struggling, seeking answers, working with a VERY angry wolf girl (s), a user here began to assist me, as he had a connection with the boy who saved Anastasia from her punishment. He is the one who told me her back story. After more struggling, suffering, kicking against the goads, I began to make headway with Anastasia. Late last year, she sent me, what amounts to, Astral nudes- likely when she was in heat, and to entice me to her body- which I keep, to this day. (They are ONLY for ME!!!) Eventually, as I softened my own heart, and made efforts to overcome the person I once was, Anastasia began to soften her heart as well, and began showing me, the side of her face... Then the front... And then her fiery Yellow-red eyes. And, her is where we are, learning to love myself, which as Paul said, "Comes first", before a healthy and beneficial romantic union with the beautiful, intelligent, and strong Anastasia. She has an attachment to humans, much like my attachment to her feet: they will never not be beautiful, magnificent, attractive, alluring to me, nor will humans ever be adverse to her (fully, though she reserves the right ot be angry, or disappointed. The death of her father at the hands of humans is a sore spot for her. She loved him dearly.) So, this is a reason why I do not wish to add to her disappointment, anger, or pain. I wish to be the human, whom she admits- is attractive, much the same as her lupine shape, is more attractive to me than a base human, to be an asset to her, and not a liability, a positive, and not a negative. In that I was once, the product of two very young, very cruel adults, who raised me to be just like them if not worse- as I had the intelligence to take the malevolence much further with my higher IQ, I have realized recently, as little as three years ago- that I was miserable, and that there was a higher version of myself, that I could become, as I overcame my base childhood programming. it was this former me, that vexed these female cryptids, and I do not blame them in the least, and credit them, "Anastasia, Ladywolf, etc." for their patience in not destroying me earlier. I am becoming the man of their lupine dreams- as it floods my heart with joy to do so, for them both. This is why I am attached to Anastasia. Why not, divorce her, run from her- or even kill her for this? By some metrics, I am due just that- except, my heart breaks for her, and what she has endured, and it is my RIGHT to forgive her: and attribute NO MALICE to her whatsoever. In this way, it frees her up to make an informed decision, whether or not I am a worthy mate for her. No one can take that right from me, to absolve Anastasia (And the others.) and pursue right relationships with them. It does, kind of lend to the idea that I "own" them, much as I now own the Wolfen tribe via their treachery, however, perhaps this is part of the atonement. My hope, is that, even though I have authority over them, that they discover than I am a good, noble, kind, generous, forgiving, and gentle-man, and that they actually discover I do not hate them, or have anything worthwhile against them, that I forgive them, and only wish to live in peace. In short, though my position is one of power, perhaps I can become the man that Anastasia will actually be willing to be with, when given the choice, a man who she finds enjoyable to be around, a man, she would choose willingly, if the circumstances were different. A man, she feels honored to be with, and me, feeling honored to be with such a magnificent Wolfen specimen.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 24, 2024 7:59:22 GMT 9.5
I am starting to see the uncovering of this spiritual dynamic I endured at the wolf sanctuary in California.
"They" did go to the end of my old self, to destroy his hold on his life, the reward (Anastasia, the Wolfen) so that the only way to end up trust God (and not myself/himself) is to completely release them.
About Anastasia, I had a passionate thing to say, before trying to use an electric hoist to try and set the van frame on the side, apparently the frame weighs more that I thought because the hoist broke twice and each time I had to repair it, so now I had a long metal tube to "help" the hoist lift the frame.
Anyway, I had it in my heart to say:
Am I not a good man?
Am I not a man of honor?
Am I not a man of forgiveness?
Am I not a man of love?
If so, then the wolf woman is forgiven, and her sins are forgiven.
I also saw a VERY interesting dynamic, that was a bit refreshing, where Anastasia humanness, has reached the divine (She now has a divine sponsor(s), and has made a loop, full circle, back to her canineness, and has attached these "lesser" beings, to the divine!
No wonder, some people practice cannibalism, or eating of things to imbue their power, this is very relevant!
However, be aware, the thing being eaten may have the opportunity to destroy you for it!
Better be sure to check the motive!
Some peoples and races are STILL paying for sins they committed eons ago.
And will continue to pay until their group karma is worked out.
As for my physical life, I was given the beginning of a DIFFERENT foundation from which to complete the assembly of my van, which is NOT the one where I am RUNNING IN FEAR AND HATRED FROM THE ISSUES.
I am also seeing, where I am further, continuing to expose my mother, to where I see her "good" side, and it disarms her hold over me.
I also see myself through her eyes, where she admires my intellect and cognitive ability to "fix anything".
Next step, coating the frame with a rubberized coating, and then assemble!
I was also shown, the "journey is the fun part", so, fitting the covered utility bed to the frame, the solar panels, private sunbathing deck, bullet resistant glass, windows, plumbing, electrical, brown water tank, fresh water, micro shop (Maybe micro lathe, electronic repair, etc.)
Make the electric bed/couch, electronics center, stove/oven, fridge/freezer, tool storage, etc.
A bare minimum: make it a 4x4 work van with utility bed in back. Drive it until I feel it is reliable. Regular oil and transmission oil changes, while sending it to a lab for testing, to see if a component is wearing, which could tell me if something in any of the components is getting ready to give, outside of normal wear. (Such as high carbon steel shavings may indicate a bearing is getting ready to go. This is for peace of mind.)
I have also begun reinforcing my trailer to haul trash to the dump, so that I can begin cleaning things around my area, and in my home.
I have not yet made the decision to liquidate my assets, as that would signal a release from this realm, and APPARENTLY my mother is still able to be swayed to do the right thing with the horse??
I don't know, I am gearing up to be ready to bolt on a moments notice. I am trying to remain patient. I know Gods timing is different than my own.
I HAVE resolved to stop/ slow even more my drinking, to remain sober minded, and get back to work on the van, clean up, and anything else I need to do to tie up my loose ends here.
My hearts hope: I completely release the wolves and Anastasia, and this Antarctic thing, completely embrace myself, heal, move on- and give God the request to reunite her and I, but on His terms. (When things are better between us.)
If... There was any good force at work when I was attacked, this was their intent, for me to start anew with her, rather than being my old, broken, and distressed self, I am a new creation, adjusted and positive, who loves because he wants to, and not because he has to, a complete blessing to her, and her life.
The wolf girl that I love.
I was also reviewing Anastaias timeline, and actually- I do truly respect her. She has my respect! That is hard to earn, she is amazing. And, she of a special lineage that I do not think too many people see in her.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 24, 2024 8:33:36 GMT 9.5
This was shown to me:
I will not have peace on the road, until I have made peace on this ranch.
Sort of like, a map of your travels, if you leave an area in turmoil, you tend to bring that turmoil with you.
More of myself, my true self, is being returned to me. This Self, is not swayed by the things my previous self was swayed by.
It is the developing self, the True self.
It is good!
But difficult.
And Scary.
Thankfully, I believe the most difficult is behind me (Happened first)
As many things in my life, happen opposite of other peoples lives seem to happen. Alright
Also, tethered the dogs for the first time since the accident at the shop, I made sure to show them, I tethered them to a tree, and they would not be moved like before.
They did very well, and my husky even did his play, bow, and the female, did the tail wag thing when I did the play pose, (Arms out, crouching, body rigid that makes canines play)
I am achieving proper relationship with canines. This is very good! It also helps my relationship with the wolf people
I can see why I was "reset" like I was
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 24, 2024 9:29:17 GMT 9.5
Also, another reason why my journey to myself, and my connection to Anastasia are going two separate ways, is because if I pull myself from her instantly, it will devastate her, and it will be the same as if a bunch fo hooks in her spiritual flesh are ripped out of her.
I have been doing this to her my entire life, without knowing it.
It also made her quite irritated my entire life, and she has the ability to do similar things right back to me: so either way you slice it, it is good if I take it slow.
However, my spirit, and heart, as I move towards myself, are even more in love with her than ever. Go figure.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 25, 2024 0:42:18 GMT 9.5
This thing with Anastasia is showing me how deficient I am in understand right relationship with another, the opposite- or even same sex- though if I had to be forced to pick one, I would pick the opposite...
Same is only for fun. Opposite, completes me naturally.
There are a series of VERY specific events buried so deep within me from my childhood caused by my mother, that I feel is an open festering wound, that is preventing me from right relationship.
My heart palpitations are connected to it.
The beginning of my mother, eating me alive, when there is plenty of good food all around her.
This is what God showed me. Her name is "Child Eater" in Heaven.
Also, it may be, that when i felt my mind opened up, it was not, "God" or a positive deity, but rather, the OS: Trying to keep me, attached to my mother, who is NEVER going to do the right thing by me, to keep me anchored here, struggling, suffering, trapped in an adverse situation: rather than moving on, and taking hold of my own life- that could, yes- end in ruin and even worse disaster- but at least I am not dependent on the child eater.
Arguably, circumstancially, the latter could end much worse than the former, at least with external circumstance.
As far as Anastasia goes, I am striving to be as good as I can be for her, pushing hard, to better myself, and to uncover the darkness that I know she sees within me.
She showed me some dark areas of myself last night, things I was helpless to change. But, things she admitted, were troublesome. I had to look at it from her point of view, and admit she, as usual, is actually right, I am deficient, INFANTILE in those area of my what should be, mature male understanding, of sex, and relationships.
Trapped in the heart and eyes of my... Immature mother.
In a way, all I want to do is get away from this bullshit with her.
I also admit. Anastasia is not perfect, she has her own trauma.
Today, I am going to walk the dogs- admitting when they do not constantly lick their wounds they heal faster, but also, do not get infected.
Her worst wound got a bunch of dirt in it, but today, it appears almost healed, and is a small scab, rather than a torn open wound where I could see her skull in.
Alright, well apparently nature is adept at caring for itself.
Today, I am going to walk the dogs, that get a square footage of the vans frame so I can buy the right bedliner, and continue with it.
Yesterday, I was given more joy and excitement of the journey of building the van, a way to utilize it that is not DESPERATE running and evasion and escaping a cruel, sick dynamic.
And yet- I have been asked to remain here, and make peace with this place.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 25, 2024 1:34:54 GMT 9.5
Well, I tried resizing the picture of the stick formation between my home and the mountain lions lair, but I cannot find a program that does not want to charge me a monthly subscription just to resize one picture to bypass the one MB limit.
I saw something, I left my Glock outside accidentally, in order to "check in" with the mountain lion, unarmed (Except my Ka-bar).
When I went to fetch it this morning after realizing what I did, there was a leaf on the muzzle end.
I know better than to bother checking my cameras.
However, I realized something: I used to hate conscientious people, I realized today, this is because, my mother instilled in me, an attitude of self, and any notion of being self sufficient and responsible for self was punished., because she revels in the disconnect of self.
Sad.
I have begun breaking up with the Wolfen people, however, some positive Wolfen continue to hold on to me.
I ask them WHY they do this, they told me: "We are holding on for a positive outcome with you- that comforts your heart as well as ours."
I thought that was pretty sweet.
One thing I am realizing about Anastasia and her people, they are very pure.
Even in their cruelty and violence, they are innocent.
Is this to maintain the Being of a predator, while skirting karma?
Perhaps.
Well on with the day
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 25, 2024 6:50:15 GMT 9.5
I tried drawing the outline of a bow with arrow pulled back, but the file was too big after that. Hopefully it is apparent. Sometimes, my eyes are drawn to things that are "enchanted" such as rocks arranged a certain way, or something moved with specific intent. I believe it may be a function of the functional lupine DNA that is within me. I was asked to glance down on the ground, as this particular formation of sticks, on the ground, between me, and the yurt where I met the mountain lion, and where I felt the ground shake under the weight of some footsteps of a large creature, I assumed was a sasquatch. To me, the stick represent a bow, with arrow, pulled back, ready to fire. A few weeks ago I had changed positions in my bed to where I could see outside, and I saw a light, between me, and the treeline, except there should be no lights there, so I focused on it, and the light slowly ascended. While observing this, my brain was in a semi-theta brainwave state, which could mean the light belonged to a craft that can control minds- but looked like a white-ish LED. The slowness at which is ascended, told me it might not have been a human drone. However, I do have enemies, have had death threats, and people owe me money, who have assassins in their families. I, however, maintain a completely random schedule, and I have two very attentive dogs, cameras, and I am always armed, usually with a pistol and a combat knife of some kind. Anyway- who knows. I am not worried. If it is an ethereal or higher-consciousness ship or craft, they are observing me perhaps due to the drama of the goings on in Antarctica, perhaps to assess my suitability to live with the wolf people. I had a small vision of myself in the van, in some far remote location, and the memories came back of what my mother did to me to shift my consciousness to deep negative, which caused all of this trauma, and to go back, accept, understand, and heal it- so that I may be whole. In the next few days, I am going to begin prepping the frame for bedliner, which I hope to have done in two weeks. The weather is being hostile to it today, in temperature and wind, and there is no heat in the shop, that has some of its roof missing. The weather says it will be better the next few days. Once the frame is done (Analogous to my own personal development and healing) then I may place the front on, and once that is secured and functional, the engine, transmission, transfer case and 4x4 components are installed, the van may become a complete, running machine, and then all that's left to do, is to fit the covered utility bed (CUB) on the back, before I can begin making it "mine" (Essenmtially) I am glad I am changing my motivation for it, as something fun, rather than something such as a vehicle of fleeing some traumatic event that I am supposed to make peace with in order to move on with my life. Once the frame is done, everything else will fall into place, and the "Hard part" is then accomplished. I also have some things I wish to patent about it, that I can implement later, for now, I want to get it driving, running, etc.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 25, 2024 7:52:10 GMT 9.5
Last night Anastasia and I were connecting. A lot has happened, and I have withdrawn quite a bit, even in ways she has told me feel, "hostile" to her. (This is NOT my intent. My intent is to never harm her, and to love her- and ultimately, to live with her, to be with her.)
Things were... Labored.
So, I told her- honey, come to the shop with me tomorrow. I will put some nice music on- and we will hang out spiritually.
SHe said, "It won't be easy,Dave. We are kinda like oil and water- especially with your old self still here..."
I told her- I understand. Come, be with me tomorrow. Let's hang out.
Except, this morning, my phone fucked up at a divine/OS moment and stopped working a MOMENT before I was going to go out and walk the dogs, to have a GREAT day, and instead I allowed my rage to come out, I screamed and roared and yelled at it- my dogs became terrified of me, and I heard myself- wow, that was quite a violent reaction to the phone needing ot be restarted.
On the walk I also realized, how stoic I must become in my inner parts.
It is hard.
So, I got to the shop, the problem was, it is windy, suddenly very cold, rainy, and in the shop it's practically open, the roof is gone in a spot, the wind goes right through it, I got my measurements of the frame surface area, and realized I put on Devil Driver, a metal band, and how Anastasia is not into that- so I put on keygen church, and realized, that is "Dark" for classical music...
But it was cold. Windy, and I was not miserable, and could have worked more- but I was at the limit with what I could do anyway until I buy bedliner and etc.
I realized: I failed her.
Again.
Failed to anticipate the weather, failed in the music, failed to be present with her spirit.
My heart is heavy.
I love this woman, and I am fucking up. Am I really ready for this? If she was here physically- yes, I would move heaven and earth. But I am still learning to walk as a toddler.
Fuck.
I guess all I can do is keep going. She is forgiving, but I know it hurts on some level, and I am responsible for it.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 25, 2024 9:46:23 GMT 9.5
I discovered a few horus ago I am not actually ready to forgive my mother *properly*
It is the idea I was violated
the smells
And, the idea that as the victim I must bear the guilt and shame to correct her karma.
I am trying.
The universe is holding freedom with my van, over my head.. I do nto get to obtain it until I am in right relationship with my mother
I am pushing on, forcing on
A thought happened just now:
I was able to see myself through my eyes.
And, not through the eyes of my mother, which is what you have to do to survive an adverse childhood when you are still with your parents.
This is a critical step
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 0:15:25 GMT 9.5
I understand this is "our" new song: 9gag.com/gag/aW4BnjK?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=post_shareyoutu.be/8oYodfK4DkE?si=Q-3_VKhy0epZ8_36youtu.be/Wo80bXyEbkE?si=v0t-RgpDccKDGBL4I assumed, it was my song to her, but she corrected me this morning, she said, "This is my song to you." Fuck. In a way, it is also my song, as well- back to her. I guess certain parts describe my heart for her (I never dreamed I'd meet someone like you...") and some are her explaining to me, as I am a "drag" on her in ways, "I never wanted to fall in love with you..." meaning her time in the machine with me, taking her anger out on me, as I was helpless prey before her.) And, what a wicked thing, to make her, "feel this way" about me. To court her, say the things I have, to, and for her- and meaning them from the bottom of my heart for her. She is so special. "I don't wanna fall in love with you..." "With you." As far as I can tell, I went to explore my mission here, on, and in this planet. I began on the planets surface, focusing my intent, here- however, as I surrendered my will to a greater will- I was directed, turned around, and pushed into this planets core. Part of the pathway, was actually through the consciousness machines that were used to capture my consciousness energy, where the wolf girls live. So, I willingly travelled through this pathway, and discovered that the Earth is like a "Bead" in a necklace. The bead has a hole in it, a cosmic type of hole, perhaps such as a magnetic line of flux. I am picturing it now, there is energy here, but it is purple, like a bruise, there is suffering here. However, it continues to radiate into this solar system- it also acts as a warning beacon for less tormented species- to make extreme measures not to become "Sucked in" here. Because you WILL suffer. If you do. youtu.be/gcLmQDr7GGw?si=bYO-qcQO0abukZ7pThings like this, do not exist in other realms. (I was also shown, in a period of sharp depression and hopelessness a week ago, that, -THERE ARE BETTER WORLDS- I was shown them and No, it is NOT Pleiadia! By having any association with us, they do indeed have a darkness within them, one hopes it is in their past and history!) Anyway, in carrying my energy with me, it was like pulling a "rope" into the "hole" in this planet. I will also say that, as the cosmos shift in time, the line you can draw through the consciousness machines left by the ancients, directly intersects with an unseen cosmic anchor point to this planet. Without it all life would go extinct in short order here. So, in carrying with that anchor point, it appears as if the greater Me, is endeavoring to weave a rope through this planets core. I had previously assumed, that the machines going into the core of this planet, was designed for hopeless torment, and that was the intent of some, however, it also appears, on further examination, that it actually has a purpose. I did not attempt to survey if there were more consciousness machines, in a linear placement behind the ones I am involved with, on the other side of the planets core. It appears, though: that there are. And, those machines, are not controlled by seemingly adverse forces- but rather noble, and less tortured beings. They are glad to receive me- however, I caution them, the adverse forces on my end are not to be harmed. Least of all Anastasia. I stand between them and annihilation. I see a very pale skinned, whit/blonde haired, very light colored eyed male, who seems to be the custodian of the other axis of machines. I reckon, I am the custodian of the other axis, temporarily hijacked by hot, sexy wolf women. Well, alright. Apparently, he wants to clear the wolf girls out, to pave way for the Intent of the greater Me, as their energy is "Sapping" the divine energy of connection. And, the consciousness machines act like "Magnets" for consciousness- even wolf girl consciousness. It seems I must transcend, and "pull" the wolf girls out of the machines to bring them to safety, and so I will do that. Otherwise, they will be "vaporized" by light and destroyed (In the truest sense of the word. Not soul death, which is sleep, but soul vaporization, which is destruction.) I have to begin purifying the wolf women attached to my Being, so that they will be spared of the energization of the machine in unity and purpose. Similar to being naked in the Hadron collider when it is generating plasma- any organic matter will be obliterated, it is like this, but with "soul" or, "consciousness" energy. If Anastasia wishes to perish, this is her opportunity. I guess this is a true test. As the custodian of this polarized axis, I have say on my end, but it is time dependent. Apparently I discovered it last second. It will grieve my heart deeply if Anastasia chooses to cease to exist
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 0:20:44 GMT 9.5
Apparently, adverse forces knew this about me. Hence, why they invested so much effort in capturing my consciousness, and putting me through the ringer within these machines, being eaten by some hot wolf girls, and etc.
They knew I was the custodian of this side of the machine axis, which is essential to the will of the greater Me.
I had forgotten this.
Become lost in this planets magnetic resonance, and become absorbed into it, becoming "one" with it.
This is why this planet repels more advanced species, and attracts lesser, lower forms of aliens.
It is a trap.
I tell the other Custodian, "It is more complicated than you think. I share a heart with a minimum of two of the wolf girls. I am in love with them, and care deeply for them- in spite of the circumstances. This cannot be changed- nor would I want it to be. I am one with them. It is what it is."
Apparently, my direction through this planets destiny is now taking a different direction, with the intention of fulfilling my mission here.
My heart tells me there is mercy for these wolf girls, and- also for their people.
"Forgiveness" for them, and absolution of their "sins". Perhaps uplifting, and enlightenment- which would become their destiny, for having involved themselves as they did, and capturing/ winning my heart for them.
Alrighty
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 0:38:13 GMT 9.5
About my personal life, I have reached a multi fork in the road.
I was set to, invest in bedliner to coat the frame of my van, so as to begin rapid re-assembly of it.
However, something came to me and said, I have a "cushion of money"- however, work has been "dead"- what if it does not pick back up and this money is needed to survive well into the year.
I argued- that is fear (Faithlessness) speaking!
However, it also said- and what happened to being prudent?
THis argument went back and forth, as I am sober- minded, and trying to figure out what to do.
There is an extreme dynamic in me, that wants to wait last-minute, to tempt the fates- to assemble the van.
As a middle finger to this place and it's supposed "forces" of destiny.
I did receive an email this morning from the stoics, they had repaired their formatting so I could actually read it, and it was about: how life can suddenly be so hard and horrific- and to be prepared for it.
So, am I to go on with the re assembly of the van?
Or, am I to tempt fate?
Something in me said, "Wait until you get the first call for work, then spend the money and finish the frame."
That is viable.
My heart within me, also says, what happened to the adventurous me? Who would risk it all, for a payout- who has experienced things in this lifetime many humans will never get to experience...
The gamble is, you either win- or you die...
I also concocted a fabulous dish this morning.
At the base:
Over hard egg, then Jalapeno refried beans, then Sharp cheddar cheese (shredded), Medium salsa (chile), then Mozzarella (shredded)
I added garlic salt on the eggs before the beans, and finally a layer of garlic salt on top.
It has a distinctive "Mexican" flavor and is quite delicious. I enjoyed it so much I air guitared, while my puppy looked at me curiously.
I am becoming more in control of my humanness. I continue to go to bed at a regular hour, and wake up at a regular hour. Today, I obtained eight hours of sleep.
I am re- establishing an ordered schedule. This could by why my heart was experiencing palpitations- I am also dreaming each night.
I do not recall the dream I had last night, and it did not seem "important".
With regards to Anastasia- it seems as if, destiny would have me lay-hold of who I am in the highest sense- and then go to be with her, as my bride. This appeals to her. Perhaps, this has been the main issue all along, I have been trying to bring myself down to be equal to some of her people, when she wishes me to be the highest version of myself, such as a woman marrying a powerful husband who loves her.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 6:14:37 GMT 9.5
I was doing more deep diving today.
My neighbor is going to prison today, and is worried, and gave me a bunch of stuff.
I have settled on a compromise, I will prep clean and prime the frame, and wait for the bedliner, after that, it's blow and go.
I was, hashing things out with Anastasia, and it seems as if, the "attack" on my soul, at the wolf sanctuary, was putting an end to my old me's relationship with wolf people, and her.
This entire thing seems, to be the death of my old self, who does not want (is afraid) to die, while the new me takes over.
It appears as if, my old relationship with the wolves, wolf peoples, Anastasia and Ladywolf, needs to come to a complete end.
After that, it is a matter of God and heart.
I was told, to, "Be still, have faith, and do not be afraid." about it
I also discovered a part of Anastasias hear, that is broken and dead, and I am able to resurrect it, with my own heart. It has been a beautiful dance today- but Anastasia is tired.
There is a part of her, that does not want a male suitor, and just wants to be alone with her thoughts.
This conflicts with the idea of, an attractive (to her) human, who wants to give her foot rubs on the daily, cook, clean, make-love to her, and take care of her- these things are nearly in direct opposition to each other.
Of course- what girl wouldn't want that in a mate. Anastasia has told me this, many times.
However, it appears for my personal development, the relationship with my old me, and the wolves, must come to an end, and he go to sleep/die/be put out of the equation.
I am unsure of how, but I endeavored to do it, and it registered, of course, to the conflicted Anastasia, as torment and pain and rejection- and as I said- if she looked within her heart, she would see none of those are my intentions.
My intention is only to adore, cherish, love, and bless her.
She is going to have to have faith, as am I, that in the future, we are going to be reunited- or some other thing, because I do sorely wish to be with ehr physically, and inhabiting my clone, as per the contract, so that I may fulfill my obligation to her- which is not just a task, but a joyful union with the women of my dreams.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 10:24:15 GMT 9.5
So, day X of sobriety, bored, more rain coming, usually when I would drink.
Instead, directed to focus on the assembly of the van.
Anastasia and I are, going back and forth, trying to figure things out.
It turns out, one of the greater Mes generals is responsible for the bulk of my torment, it turns out, the Wolfen people were just a pawn, and I attributed more evil to them than was due them.
The General either wanted to destroy me, or put me through a harsh lesson.
I started to go to the Greater Me directly to bypass him, but I was told, that if I want to be with Anastasia, that I should not do that (?)
I also contacted the greater Me about Anastasia- and he refused to do anything about it.
I inquired as to WHY, he said, "I haver a control room where you can choose her destiny (as it relates to me) directly- YOU take the reigns, not me.
Interesting.
Of note, my mother came by the shop to talk to her BF and me, her BF tells me she has changed drastically "for the better" recently, but could "Revert at any time"
I told him I want to GTFO, and go out into the world, instead of being under the thumb of a 2 year old, he said, what, are you going to hook up with a FOUR YEAR OLD??!
With humans, he may just be right.
"Wow, she's twice as mature as my mother! She's FOUR!
Well he may just be right. I don't really have another alternative.
I met an older woman, who was very attracted to me, and our spirits were compatible, who flirted with me in a parking lot, told me to look her up (via her vehicle) I regret not exchanging numbers.
Weirdly, I had three male partners come out of the woodwork in one day, but I did not feel like doing such things.
I prefer females.
Also, as I sit in my sober boredom, and contemplate things, again, I am forced to confront the healing boredom (there is often SUFFERING in healing) and consider life.
I saw the Wolfen ask Anastasia, what she desired to do with regards to me, to move on, or something- or wait for me, she said, she wished to wait, as I was rapidly maturing into a man she would like to be with.
I guess I just have to trust God, etc.
Apparently I am to invest my time into the van now as a distraction from the lack of alcohol.
I guess that will work, for the time being. I am receiving NO peace about leaving the ranch.
I see a timeline where I live (Happily) in my van, and rent-out the mobile home to a woman and her kid(s). Form time to time we come to a different agreement for payment that works for both parties involved
Without alcohol, all I see is boredom.
However, I do allow myself to buy a single beer atr my favorite cantina, with my favorite meal, as a reward, from time to time.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 12:52:44 GMT 9.5
I wish I could put into words what I have been feeling.
it is like, my attention on outdated and useless concepts is beginning to shift, to my life.
I watched a video of a guy getting a makeover, and the barber lectured him on, "Showing up for his life." because the guy admitted he was on Meth.
It struck a chord with me: I have not been showing up for my life.
I have been showing up for my mothers life, my fathers life, everyones life but my own.
Even Anastasias life.
As I "come down" from this erroneous mindset, things seem, dull and listless.
However, this is the proper progression.
With regards to Anastasia, I see I am failing her in two ways:
My understanding of femininity, of women (Of which Anastasia is one. She may be half wolf, but her human half generally has the reigns. With Ladywolf, the opposite seems to be true.) is false. It was trained beaten, and raped into me by a two year old in an "adult" body, and other sordid family "members."
It's false, dead wrong, and proper, healthy women do not wish to be treated this way.
This is part of the aversion Anastasia has against me.
I am also, failing to be a "right male", in "Right masculinity" which is the vehicle, through which I interact with femininity.
So, she is getting a double-whammy from me.
And, the outside meddling forces that are interfering with me, and also are interfering with her.
I am unsure generally, where this will end up.
Just, that, after all is said and done, I would like to meet her in right romantic relationship, the proper understanding of her, of myself, to come to her, a whole man, who adores his other.
In time, I guess- I am dealing now with the greater Me, who seems to know a lot about this situation and is waiting for me to, "Take the reigns."
As far as the future goes- everything has changed once again- but in a better way. This way, I am freed up to, launch into my new life, but from a better perspective, not one clouded with emotion, and incorrect beliefs based on improper teachings and pre- adolescent understandings.
When my mother came to talk to her BF and I at the shop, I surveyed her spiritually, and saw just: a broken little child, filled with terror to the brim, only marginally keeping a strangle hold on her decaying life, without any of the coping mechanisms I am developing as I mature.
I went from feeling pity on her, to feeling awful for her.
I am also endeavoring to lay-hold of the fun aspect of the van, to spring from that, rather than one of escaping my problems.
I am unsure of what actions, beliefs, and will lead to this change, only that- it is happening. Is it age 44? Me, getting rid of the darkness under my heart?
Something Anastasia did? A hope she has that I finally listened to?
A resolve to clean my area?
Maybe all of the above, and other things, coming to my aid (Finally?)
I am reminded of Stuarts advice, to take it slow.
If anything is an indicator it is what I have been feeling: to stop and smell the roses, to take my time. My mothers BF reminded me again, "Nobody is rushing you." My best friend said, "Take your time!"
Tomorrow is storms. Perhaps I will work on it anyway- just so I am out of my house. Unfortunately, the puppy lost a bunch of fur and shivers when it gets cold enough. The husky couldn't give less of a shit. The puppy is re-gaining her affections for me, by laying against me long ways, and I was "Being nuggetized" by the canines, who enjoy trapping me like the filling in a sandwich between them, on my bed. It makes me sweaty and a bit claustrophobic.
Ah, I also will say, I am seeing how, when "I" was hijacked at the wolf sanctuary during the, "Attack", my will was hijacked to sincerely desire the very worst things for me. (Damnation, horror, torture, agony, terror...)
Now, I am being given a choice, to go-back from that, and choose things that are beneficial for me, such as temperance, love, joy, peace, tenderness, kindness, gentleness.
The opposite.
I am being shown, I may carry these things "into" my new life. My new life, is me, transitioning from a desire for these adverse things, into a conscious desire for positive things.
I genuinely, see my future as adopting positive attitudes and dynamics.
This has never happened before, and the old me, could not have managed this, outside of alcohol. (Briefly, improperly, of no lasting value.)
I am in love with Anastasia. It is possible, I will always love her, even if we depart ways. It is also possible, all living things desire a heart connection with another living thing, similar to what I have with my Beloved Anastasia.
Wolf woman, or not, I see multiple timelines. This one came to mind:
~
Anastasia walks, blinking away the tears as the reality hit her hard:
He wasn't coming.
Not now, not ever.
Her heart told her- something went wrong. What went wrong- she did not know. All she knew, was that she had been abandoned, again- and by a human.
Hardening her heart to them, she gritted her teeth when a little human boy ran passed her, giggling, as she walked into town, to pick up new bed sheets, to replace her torn, and dirty bedding.
Her head moved to see a tall, young human man, whom she had never seen before.
His blue eyes lit up, and went wide when he saw her.
Walking up to her, his eyes locked onto her, she tensed up- looking away.
No, not again. Not again.
She winced, sucking in air through her teeth, when he hugged her and held her, weeping.
"Let;'s never, ever, ever leave each other again!" He sobbed.
"Wh-what?" Anastasia whispered softly from her gentle lips.
He moved back, away from her, looking into her fiery yellow eyes.
"I am your boyfriend!"
Anastasia head reared back, and she began to laugh.
"What manner of scam is this?" She said, her heart still a bit hard.
"No scam. I have my memories. I thought I was to become a shopkeep. I always knew something was wrong. My family migrated here a month ago... I felt like it was the right decision. I was drawn to you... And now I remember it all. I incarnated here, to be with you. Anna?"
"Ana. Anastasia."
His eyes went wide again as the tears formed behind her cool yellow eyes.
"Anastasia... Anastasia... Anastasia... That's right! Wolf girl!"
Tears fell down her face as she looked away.
"Dave-"
"Mike. Yeah, Dave... That's right. Call me what you want."
"Is it you?" Anastasia said, wiggling her toes, wondering if it would attract his attention.
He blinked, instinctively glancing down at her feet.
"Wow, you're big!"
"I'm just a wolf."
"You're so much more to me. You always were. What do you need? Maybe I can get it for you. When will you be coming back? May I please visit your people and... You? Please?"
Ah, fuck. Anastasia had tried hardening her heart, but it was melting for this handsome young human. How old was he? Younger than her.
His eyes watered, slightly, as he stared into her own, drilling into the depths of her soul...
And her heart.
"Sure." she said, looking at him, remembering his promises, and how he made her feel.
It was funny, none of the darkness she felt when he would connect with her- was present in this younger version of himself.
Anastasia rattled off her list of needs, and his face brightened up.
"I have the EXACT thing you need. In fact, I began rubbing in Sonda dust in it, to make it smell good...For a canine..." he said, his voice trailing off, on how it was all beginning to fit together.
"I heard there were wolves here, and I wanted to make one happy..." He said, his voice trailing off.
Running quickly to the back and knocking over a table as his mother shook her head and sighed, looking at the tall, gentle wolf girl.
"He was always into wolves." She said, and behind her, Anastasia's tail wagged just twice.
His mother grinned, giggling.
"Just take him with you. Please."
Mike- or, Dave, emerged from the wagon and ran, nearly tripping back to Anastasia.
"I never want to leave you again. Ever."
Anastasia chuckled, more tears falling down her cheek.
"I have something." he said, running back, but stopping just she of the wagon.
He jerked a cloth out of his mothers hands as she shook her head, and gently, softly, blotted the tears off of Anastasias face.
"You are more beautiful than I ever imagined. Like a goddess of light..." he whispered.
"Your mother said you could come with me. DO you want to?"
Daves eyes watered as his jaw chattered.
"With all of my being, wolf girl."
~
This vision, or one similar to it, came to me today.
I am not giving up on her. In fact the greater Me, has an entire destiny machine waiting for my will to manipulate where my consciousness goes next, with relation to Anastasia.
I know I am obsessed with her, I hope to be more ordered and in better relationship with her in the future.
it is a dance.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 26, 2024 23:15:50 GMT 9.5
I woke up after having an unpleasant dream about the creature in John Carpenter's "The Thing"
I went to bed, rediscovering a recipe I hadn't tasted since I was young, something wonderful, filled with joy, promising my dogs "walkies" tomorrow.
The puppies began screaming at 5 AM, I will have to bathe them, and the new heater works several times better than the old, but the quartz tubes light up the entire bedroom, and I cannot stand even small lights at night.
I woke up feeling hopeless, angry, frustrated, afraid I will lose Anastasia (not end up with her somehow.) or, being trapped in the negativity and negative circumstances I got myself into at the wolf sanctuary.
The economy is terrible, work is non existent, prices are continuing to rise on everything.
It was then, I began to feel the suffering of men in my country (And others?) who are in relationships, who have families...
They are literally, right now, racked with stress and terrified.
It was in those early morning hours, I became extremely grateful I was single...
I recall the stress and burden it was, when I had my fiancee living here with me, and her two kids.
I remember it being os bad my memory shut down, and I had to tell her, if it gets worse she has to find a new place to live because I will be unable to function to help her.
In some way, I am glad- at least I am single! I can be free to make my own decisions, and I only have canines (Who are somewhat self sufficient, and pose only a slight burden, but with a large emotional reward, they only need inexpensive food and minimum resources to thrive...)
And, it's a double-whammy.
At least in the USA...
We are having a crisis of masculinity, and femininity.
In the fifties, men dominated women to the point where it became suffocating for them, and so feminism was born, a necessary dynamic to re-establish balance.
However, feminism has become dominant now, and is undermining masculinity, confusing men, frustrating them (us), and making us without rudders (Men row the boat, women steer it...)
So, you have a double blow to men, that also affects women, who realize men are no longer, "Going after" them- leaving them just as lonely and unfulfilled as we are.
Combined with the economy, the political turmoil, the fact that many Americans believe Trump was ousted illegally to prevent the swamp from being drained in his second and final term, which is the only term he could have accomplished it...
My veteran friend who fought for this country, (To varying degrees...) said we became a banana republic in 2020.
I believe him.
Many do.
Are, "they", the rulers-that-be, steering this society to collapse? It seems to be the case. Is the will of "the people" who vote being honored- it is my personal belief it is not. I cannot speak for other countries, but I believe the USA has been hijacked by outside interests for a long, long time now.
All I can do is hold on, and focus on my life.
I read an email today about a guy who bought a ghost town (From the stoic society), who wanted to renovate the entire town quickly- but ended up being unable to do it.
Instead, he discovered, that just renovating a single porch, brought satisfaction, when he became grateful for the small victories, it made me realize, to focus on my van a little more intently, and just focus on that.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 27, 2024 1:03:06 GMT 9.5
I took the dogs for a walk.
I had some mind clarity.
I was shown some things about Anastasia.
It turns out, my fears: transfer directly into her vulnerable heart. If, I intend to have positivity, hope, and a clear vision to be with her one day- it transfers as hope to her heart.
If I dwell in fear, hopelessness- she becomes afraid, and scared.
This is torment to her.
So, when I intend to have hope- that we will one day be together- and happy- she feels filled with hope, and joy.
I also saw other visions, where I need to intend to have a positive attitude with her, always.
I am the captain of her heart.
Her people, the Wolfen, are uncomplicated.
Humans: are complicated.
Humans: are useful for complex cosmic dynamic being worked out.
The Wolfen: are good for settling down with, if your intent is to be with them for life, with no more distractions.
It is good to retire with a Wolfen, especially as a human man, with a Wolfen woman.
Human relationships can be troubled...
The only trouble Anastasia has: is me, a human. Her people figured life out, millions of years ago at the earliest.
We still don't know what bathroom to use.
So, I need to work on myself, once again, I am seeing it. It is a burden.
However, it is also good.
Perhaps, in endeavoring to help Anastasia, I will end up, helping myself.
I also did some reasoning with the greater Me, and the general who is overseeing my unfoldment. I got angry- but when I calmed down, he showed me, it is actually for my benefit.
He is not trying to take Anastasia away from me, but it seems to me, like he is.
Today seems to be a weary day. It didn't start well.
And when I went to check on the puppies, there were only three, not seven. They had escaped, and had leaked into the living room.
However, I also see where I sell puppies professionally. And, soundproof my van so that they can scream away in the cab while I sleep peacefully in the back
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 27, 2024 3:07:26 GMT 9.5
I took the puppies outside, to give them a little walk.
They were such balls of filthy joy, following me around, full of life, rolling and romping, grabbing every stick they could, training for hunting.
I began to be filled with, a pure, childlike, canine joy.
It was then I realized... It is possible I am not here to save the Wolfen... It is possible, they (and Anastasia) are here to help me.
And the opposite as well.
Today seems to be a pivotal day. I am seeing several valid paths before me. Stay the same, embrace joy, embrace hope, embrace positivity... That are inherent in the canine heart
And I have a canine heart within me.
Last night, a possible placement of my clone who lives with Anastasia was spoken of, but no good solution was found.
He is to remain with her.
Maybe that is why she is surrendering to me today.
It is a tremendous responsibility. Anastasia, is so pure, as are her people.
Maybe this is why they need a human as their king so to speak. Because I am active in ways they are not. I would tell them, let's move from the Nazis. Because to them they are fascinating humans, but they don't sense the danger. But I do. That's just an example
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 27, 2024 9:52:45 GMT 9.5
Well, I decided to give the puppies a proper wash, as I knew some of them had rashes, as I ran out of clean things to let them lay on.
I washed them, and discovered, all of them had some sort of paw pad irritation.
I bought some Desitin zinc, which is for diaper rash, and applied it, after washing them with soap, rinsing them, and blow drying them dry.
It had an immense calming effect on them... I can see why... They are all huddled together. The runt, had the worst rash... I will feed her by hand if she does not improve, however I expect her to fully recover, as my other canines are making a 110% recovery, the 10% is due to them having the experience of the trauma, and bouncing back fully, which takes more energy than just living day to day.
The puppies are peacefully sleeping, and a spirit of torment has left my home.
Anastasia, revealed something to me just now.
She said, "Just as you desires, a beautiful wolf girl to be your mate.. So, I desired a human guy to be mine. You were perfect... But you were so wounded. Events were set in motion that would karmically bind me to you, in helping you grow... Mature... And leave the curse that had been put upon you. I love you..."
It is hard not to weep, when hearing those words...
Also, in caring for the puppies, I realized, memories came back of my childhood, and my mothers rage, at having to care for my own diaper rash... The scent of the Desitin brought it back instantly...
I thought- I have been treated unjustly, even as an infant- what I can do now, is to treat these infant dogs, better than I was...
Right now I have some peaceful piano music playing for them.
The canine spirits came to ask me a number of questions as I bathed them, some sarcastic comments from your teenage wolves.
I answered them fairly, but I could feel their young, prying spirits, playful, and yet afflicted with some manner of societal expectations of them that created a sort of resentful stress.
It is in part, this resentful stress, that helps one grow, mature, and fit in with society.
I am also realizing, I am probably around 12-13 in my own (Humanness) development. This explains a lot!
Well, we are all sprawled out, the Husky under my bed, and the probably no longer puppy, girl dog, on my bed next to me, her wounds healing so miraculously, I am considering writing a home veterinary book for people who may have an injured animal and for whatever reason, are unable to send them to a veterinarian.
Form the time I announced the injury, the puppies facial wound has healed to within 1/7th of the original terrible wound, and she is doing quite well, except when it gets colder, she shakes- and I have to bring her back into the house.
However, the cold weather also calls attention to her lack of fur, and accelerates the growth of it on her body, to meet the need.
Today had a bit of a rocky morning, but the evening is turning out ot be one of quite a bit of peace.
I believe the puppies instincts tell them, that I am willing to now, properly care for them, and that puts their little hearts at ease. They are doing quite well, naturallY. I recall, when I had them on their bellies, and I looked into their eyes, they had looks of, love, admiration, and gratitude.
They are going to be such beautiful dogs, magnificent, even.
I looked down their timelines, and I saw some pretty good owners- and how they blessed their owners, and how they are going to seek me again for more pups in the future.
As I said, they are divine canines, touched by the heavens.
As I work on the van, the foundation of intent is changing, from one of panic, to one of enjoyment, joy, and fun. More ideas came to me, on reinforcing the cab-CUB connection as I could press down on the back of the frame and put my weight on it, and I could see the middle of the frame flex ever so slightly, and feel it bounce. Granted the axles are much further inward, but still, there will be some flex off road.
Anastasia wishes for me to calm down, as I said earlier today, I discovered, she is affected by my wounded heart, and it is good to send her positive vibes.
Perhaps I am struggling with myself, and she is a beautiful reason for me to strive a little harder in my own personal development.
Canines have that way with humans, of making us better... In their pure, unconditionally loving hearts.
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