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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 1:42:18 GMT 9.5
How tragic.
The reason I was having an injured heart over the wolf I killed was, Looking into his background,
He was duped by one of the religious three, to murder me.
He was told I was a devil, and evil, and he agreed to slay me, however, when he saw me, he realized I was not the devil they said I was.
He did have murder in his heart which is why I felt threatened, but his death was tragic, and needless.
I don't know what to do with the religious hypocritical bastard wolves.
For some reason, it is not so cut and dry, in that I am hesitant to just end their lives.
Perhaps it would plunge the tribe into chaos of some kind- but now innocent blood has been shed, and something must now be done.
About Anastasia- she asked me one of the hardest questions I have been asked- would I have picked her to be my mate, if I was just a random guy who wandered into her village- and the answer was, like most men who look at her- she IS beautiful, a good looking female wolf, however, when the look deeper, they see she has a sword, and is fierce- and it frightens them- I would likely be frightened to.
However- I did tell her, I picked you and I do not regret it.
I am glad, our circumstances, have aligned us together, the way they have- I am glad you are my girl, and I would not choose another!
She is very good in that, she does want me to nurture her soft, feminine side, and to know her, as a sweet, gentle wolf girl- this is very good!
While, also, respecting her fierce side.
When I look down the timeline where her and I are husband and wife- sort of like a human researcher in science, living with a native woman who assists me and is my companion (And *cough* lover...) it is actually a VERY amiable situation, that I enjoy very much.
When you happen upon her home, and I am outside, with her feet in ym hands, I am am massaging them, you know- we are DEFINITELY romantic, her and I- and I am unashamed about it- I will defend her.
And I don't care who knows it, that I am in love with her.
She is my wolf girl.
A number of observing Beings- do find my relationship with her to be "Sweet" and they enjoy talking to us about varying things, but I prefer to spend my time alone, with her.
I am super into her.
She is my "thing" and fortuitously, I am her "thing" as well.
She did NOT do well when I left in another timelines, after slaying the wolf guy sent to kill me.
And, so, I should remain with her, and nurture her feminine side.
This is a joyous and wonderful task for me to assist her with.
The beautiful wolfess.
I wish to have art drawn of her, when I am "ahead" far enough- I will probably commission art of her and I together.
She is my wolf girl.
And I love her.
I can feel her, beginning to trust me, to open herself up to me.
And, it is beautiful.
I am glad, actually- that she is who she is, she is perfect for me, even with her difficulties- I enjoy being there for her, and loving her through them, it is my hearts reward to be hers.
I have, already removed a group of adverse Wolfen nuggets, apparently however- I now need to deal with the final three, but striking them dead does not seem like the way to go.
I think, in a way, that they preserve the integrity of the tribe, and to destroy them, would cause a bit of turmoil.
Anastasia, was going to have a "talk" with them- but I stopped her.
If they so much as harmed a hair on her body, I would cut them in half, each of them, and force the tribe to watch me do it.
There is a sort of mercenary wolf who is close to my heart- he is willing to have a "talk" with the trio- as I would probably lose my shit with them and just kill them for existing and being such assholes, hypocrites, and etc- they are about to reap what they have sown- so I think I will try using the mercenary to have a "chat" with the trio, and bring up the fact that an innocent man is dead because of their lies.
And they think they serve God!
It's hilarious!
I see the same hypocrisy within my mother, and father, it would be laughable if it were not so horrendous!
These "Christians" who wants Jesus to come back and save them from this world, would have a HELL of a surprise if He did come back, and actually examined their filthy hearts!
For SHAME!
I continue to take my authority over the WOlfen people, and to put myself first, endeavor for healing and wholeness, and to rescue my part of my being that were destroyed during the attack on my soul that united me with Anastasia.
I also, yes, acknowledge Anastasia was the angry girl wolf that put her heart in against me, to destroy me.
She has been standoffish because of this, and afraid I would punish her for it: but I will not.
She feels bad enough about it!
I would say, falling in love with me is punishment enough, but I do not want to joke about such things with such a good woman.
My two canines continue to heal and their bodies experience restoration at a remarkable pace. They are doing FANTASTIC, and I expect the most wounded one, to make a full recovery! Which is wonderful for my heart to fell.
I also, continue on my own healing, I discovered yesterday a clone of mine, who is with a reptilian group, that has cybernetic implants. He is not doing so well, as they have him in one of their machines.
I pushed positivity to him, and heart light, and he responded well, though his situation is adverse.
I am unsure of what to do about it, as I have a heart for the reptilian peoples.
They are likely just victims of the OS as well.
So it is not easy to just destroy them.
And, I am seeing more of my members that are here and there, in adverse situations- and I work to set them free.
As for my clone who lives with Anastasia, I am also having to take authority over the Wolfen, who were abusing him previously.
You see, this is why people do not work with the Wolfen.
They are all sweet and waggy-tailed, until they think they can get one up on you!
Then beware!
You MUST exert your authority over them!
Or they will walk all over you.
Bunch of, naughty nuggets.
I don't hate them, but they should not be surprised when I bring my whip out and start cracking their behinds!
https://www.tiktok.com/@punkeydoodles8/video/7332934454362508550
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 2:14:32 GMT 9.5
It was terrifying. His eyes glowed white in the darkness. I remember, I watched the series, "Midnight Mass" about a vampire that terrorizes a small island. It was very similar to this: youtu.be/Wd1v_EayL4M?si=tZmz8kiHIxeVQUOVThe second scene with the glowing eyes in the shed. I saw him, peering at me, he was just behind some bushes outside of Anastasia's home. I was originally quite afraid of whatever it was staring at me, but I was NOT going to be intimidated- so I was a bit surprised when I found, a good-natured male wolf- but that wanted to kill me. I caressed his big head, and thick muzzle, but I could feel his desire for blood, although he did not attack me. It was then I deployed the claws the Draco king had gifted to me, implanted in the bones in my hands and arms, that are similar to light sabers, but the blades are yellow, thin, and can cut through anything. I basically severed his C1 vertebrae from his skull, he died instantly, and fell lick a sack of potatoes. No wonder I have been agonizing over it, he was not a bad wolf, not a bad guy at all- he was a good wolf, who was trying to serve God, he was PURE and INNOCENT and now I am MAD ABOUT IT. One of the religious leaders, likely the one that brainwashed the poor wolf to kill me, came to me and apologized, but it was not a good apology. I didn't even want to hear it. I think an eye for an eye is applicable here, for forcing me to shed innocent blood. I have about had it with these wolves. My heart is incensed within me!
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 2:21:45 GMT 9.5
I think, maybe I will let his karma catch up with him.
Karma has a way of being ingeniously vicious, perhaps in ways I could not be, myself.
However, if he angers me, I am going to take his fucking head off.
He wants me to forgive him, as I should via his "holy book"- all he does is make me sick.
He can have forgiveness at the edge of my claws. Go to heck!
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 3:34:56 GMT 9.5
Observe, this attractive female canine. She is a wolf, coyote, human mix. Her unnatural, striking colors, suggest she may have chosen body modification. Her striking eyes, match the color of her fur. Her ensemble goes between her two inner toes, which suggests possibly a foot fetish for her. Her people have scent glands between their toes, and sensitive noses can "smell" where she has stepped. Many canines, and some humans can detect the foot scent, and may use it as a fetish when lovemaking. Scientific foot fetish! She is most definitely in touch with her femininity, as is suggested by her, somewhat tired look, and sweet, girlish grin. You can correctly guess, there is little to no pain in her world. In stark contrast, would be a surface human, who's aura is riddled with trauma and does not have the depth of DNA that she enjoys. The pink finger and toe claws, are likely body modification. Perhaps her staggered tail colored tufts, were once her natural shapes, but she used body modifications to change their colors to match her striking eyes. Like many anthropomorphic felines, and canines, and others, her legs are very muscular, and her body is very fit, with little fat- but she is not hungry. She takes very good care of her body. The heart the artist drew, suggests, she is in the mood for some manner of love, perhaps intimate, given her smile, and the fact that her tongue is out, licking a lollipop, imitating some manner of oral sex act. The rings around her wrists ankles, and neck suggest she wishes for her appendages to be highlighted, and the neck ring, may also be akin to a collar, and a desire to be dominated, which is typically associated with a number of feminine canines. Her thick head hair, suggests that the human element is present, as some anthro canines do not have longer head-hair, similar to a human and yet- some have very long, and luxurious head hair. I am detecting a floral scent around her, such as a perfume. It could be a liquid she has applied to her fur, or, it could be body modification to exude such a scent. The Lupine: Known for loyalty, devotion, femininity. The Coyote: Known for sensuality, deviousness, cunning. The human: Yeah I am not picking her apart to scrutinize her, her beautiful face is what I see when I turn my phone on. I am saying these things, to highlight her beauty, the work she has put in to standing out, and the competitive nature of the mating process for her people. For me, there is not much in life more beautiful, than a feminine canine who loves herself, her body, and is fully in touch with her feminine desires, such as this magnificent specimen. Such species tends to take the strength out of my knees, make my breathing difficult, and illicit reactions from my body that can be embarrassing. Thankfully, she lives in a world that is free of the greed-trappings that infest the present day human race, her world, is not a world of suffering, torment, needless pain, and unempathic people. Though she has teeth, and claws, her world is a place of genuine connection, of gentleness- "An armed society is a polite society" and her people are always armed. Thus, creatures like her are allowed to flourish- you may meet her as your server at a restaurant, on a dance floor, or even at a bar. If she is going into heat, you may likely be taking her home with you, whereupon the mating ritual will commence, and you will be allowed to penetrate her, to satisfy her heat cycle. She may live with you for a time as you have presented yourself as a viable potential mate- and yes- she is on contraceptives. You will be added to the harem, and after exchanging numbers, each month you may enjoy seeing pictures of her naked body, enticing you, to, once again, mate with her, in a mutually symbiotic, enjoyment of each others bodies. Such females are not completely adverse to mating with other species, humans, reptilians, even horse folk. Though, some specists would look down on her, similar to when a white male calls a white female, who sleeps with a black male, a "Mudshark"- a derogatory term applied to these women, the inferrence is, she should, "Stick with her own race", usually shouted by involuntary celibates who think subconsciously, that black men are taking their women (This is not true. Though, the consequences of interracial relationships seem to be fairly ubiquitous in some cases.) Human men who find a canine lover like this, can expect: Clogged drains A much larger appetite A loyal, warm, attentive lover, whos body heat exceeds your own A sex drive that is near-insatiable An amiable romantic partner, as well as life partner. Many human men report that, their canine lover, girlfriend, and wife, is "Some of the best things to happen to me." Minor social judgment may be experienced, depending on the realm. Even though she is an apex predator of predators, with teeth and claws- you may be required to defend and protect her. This is your natural masculine duty, and you should be prepared at all times to do so, even against foes that could easily destroy you. Oftentimes, posturing is enough- but a willingness to fight for your mate is more often enough- but it must be felt in the heart, and a willingness to die for her, more often than not will push a threat away. If you perish, if you meant something to her, she may choose to live the remained of her life alone, braving her heat cycles until menopause, where they will cease. Typically, though, the grieving period eventually ends (It can take many years, and she will go through a process of uglification, where she shaves her fur, rolls in dirt, and acquires adverse smells, to repulse potential mates.) and during one of her heat cycles, usually with some hesitation, she will enter the dating market again. It is for this reason that astute males, will give her permission to "Be happy" when and if they are gone, so that she may have verbal permission to go on with her life. She will honor this. Conversely, if she dies, due to her much wider and older canine nature, the human male, may find that she was providing him with far more than mere physical companionship, but, that, even spiritually, she was his life-mate as well. Sadly, this can be a blow to the human man, who has a much younger nature than she, and if he passes on before him, men taking their lives, not wanting to live without such a comparatively wonderful mate- and cease the will to live. In some cases, men wishing to continue their lives, may find another female canine to date, and may rediscover their unique ability to complete them. As was discovered when my Alsatian died, spiritual "Demons" came to haunt me that I had not dealt with since she came into my life. She was protecting me, physically, emotionally, -and- spiritually. Such is also the case for many canine anthros, although their humanness may interfere with some of the canines selfless genetic programming. Of note are the statistics for divorce, between human men, and canine women, the occurrence of such breakups is almost nonexistent. Some speculate this may be due to the canines superior "judging" abilities of a humans character, or the humans desire to keep a mate that does so much for them, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, or a combination of the two factors, and others, coming into play in such romantic unions. More human canines (Meaning, more trauma, lack of pair bonding abilities) may be present, but they will make themselves known, and canines, when finding a suitable mate- will often be willing to undergo therapy, and adjustment, to a being that is more suited to pair bond with her mate.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 4:09:02 GMT 9.5
Something just ocurred to me too.
If there is a God
And if He gives a Shit about Us
Then, He sees what these... Pharisee like religious Wolfen are doing to me (or trying.)
They tried to KILL ME.
They succeeded in MURDERING THEIR FORMER KING via a broken heart.
They continue to try to KILL ME.
Using innocent fodder, no less!
Further, the wolfess Anastasia was used by them, partly to lure me in, partly to destroy me.
It FAILED.
In fact, the wolfess and I are falling even deeper in love- another of their plots FAILING.
She is genuinely becoming connected with me, in a way so deeply intimate that I could scarcely have hoped for such a thing.
If there is a God, he sees all of this, and there is a bible verse that comes to mind, about,
"No weapon formed against me shall prosper."
And,
"I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten,"
And,
"I will use what the enemy has created for evil- for your good."
It could be, a form of divine cosmic-karmic justice is foiling these, Pharisee like wolves.
I am starting to see this, at every turn.
The last straw was the large, innocent male wolf they sent to harm me- he was GUILTLESS, and DECEIVED.
Well, enjoy your karma, wolves, you certainly earned it!!!
I'm gonna take the hottie you tried killing me with and am gonna make a beautiful life with her, and we are going to be happy, her, and I together.
It might be, I have to do nothing and this whole thing will sort itself out.
I am growing weary of these wolves, however, and their ways. I may have to distance myself from them for some time, after fully taking my authority over them, and moving on.
I will take Anastasia with me, if it is her hearts desire (She says it is.)
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 5:21:20 GMT 9.5
I am in the middle of taking my authority over these wolves, so that I am no longer under their subjection, but that they are under mine.
I have good news, I took my two canines for, Celebratory First Walkies, to see how they do, if their wounds had healed enough to go for a walk.
They seemed undaunted by their remaining healing wounds, and pulled me as hard as ever.
Further, the female, sustaining the worst wounds, was as joyful and youthful as ever.
Thrice, she burst out into jubilant, youthful play with the Husky- to my horror, as her wounds risk being injured.
She was, exuberant, filled with youthful joy and excitement, happy that the hard days are behind her.
(She is out of the woods health-wise.)
I am, as her owner, very relieved- and look forward to putting this nastiness behind us, as I start a new leaf.
I also brought the issue up to God, if He is not going to fix my mothers heart, I am ready to abandon this place, and get-on with my life.
Waiting for a traumatised two year old in an older body making up a decision that benefits me when she has tried to destroy me my entire life, seems to be a waste, but I will give it some more time.
I think another week the the scabbing will be much better, and hopefully the fur begins to grow back.
realistically, I have my entire life ahead of me.
It may be rocky, and strange at times, but it is really, just beginning.
I am also seeking out more of my darkened and wounded members, in other dark places, and injecting positivity into them. It is not easy- when I see so much darkness.
One voice said to me that I am so powerful, even disabled I am still operating.
Another said I survived something that no one else has.
So, I am pursuing my healing.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 6:44:19 GMT 9.5
I also want to tell everyone about this item. Especially for people who as muscular challenged, such as some women: Limited-time deal: E-HEELP Electric Car Jack Kit 5Ton 12V Hydraulic Car Jack Lift (Lifting Range: 6.1~17.7 inch) with Electric Impact Wrench for SUV MPV Sedan Truck Change Tires Garage Repair a.co/d/aJS3hSuI had a flat a few months ago, using the shitty, flimsy scissor jack, the pole extensions, and my 1,200 FTLB impactor, it barely worked, it sucked, and I have cranking on a scissor jack like an APE, or pumping some almost useless hydraulic jack with some ridiculous wrench handle because you lost the fucking handle years ago. This thing lifts my van tire off the ground in seconds. Also, the impactor (I did not use it but I have seen videos, they seem to actually work pretty well!) is super handy if my other impactor isn't in the van with me! They SHOULD have added two shitty wheel choks (however it's spelled) for choking the other tire- but whatever. It takes the majority of the aggravation from changing a tire! In my opinion, this kit should be in every vehicle. And it's not that expensive, for what it is. I tell everyone about it. I am so sick and tired of using shitty, hard to use jacks. Plus, it has an air inflator on it. Also about the puppies, they were very screaming, demanding, yelling, growling etc. They are not even 2 months old. However, I connected with them, let them lick me, and spoke to them clearly, in English, and allowed them to enter into my heart. It was a VERY intentional action! I assured them, I would take care of them, that momma dog was wounded but doing okay, and I would be their new caretaker. After this, they began to quit down- and they hardly make any noise now, because they know I am going to take care of them: they do not need to YELL. I think a lot of humans would do well to understand these things, the canines may not be able to communicate verbally, but they UNDERSTAND spirits. Spirit of verbal intonation, SPIRIT behind the words, and HEART ENERGY. Canines see these things like we see body language and hear voices. Which is why I consider Anastasia and the Wolfen to be "People of the Heart." However the difficulty is, I am bonding with them, as if they are my pack of wolves. They look up to me, and we are bonding in deep ways that will hurt when I inevitably have to sell them. They are the FIRST of the FIRST Of a NEW BREED of canine- who are imbued with the Source of Love Thanks to Anastasia :3
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 12:40:25 GMT 9.5
More development, with respect to my trajectory and personal unfoldment.
I am detaching from the wolves. They are threatening me with the usual, "We will kick you out of the tribe/remove ourselves from you!" But it does not scare me any more.
I am willing to go- or, at least, willing- I refuse to be a victim any more.
They have bullied, coerced, blackmailed, me, and I'm just not going to do it any more.
I remain loyal to Anastasia- whom I am romantically attached and love.
However, something has begun to happen, as I push through the wounds, and negativity, and be brave where before I was afraid,
I am beginning to see a future unfold for me.
Whereas, previous, I had none, I was just, "winging it" day by day.
Now, I am seeing one beginning to unfold.
"Sustainability"
Still no Peace about the unfoldment of the van, but a cool revelation on how to tilt the frame to one side to clean and paint the underside.
I am continuing to remain positive, and to "Not be afraid".
This unfoldment is good, but also scary, as I am starting over, but "for the first time."
It is an uncharted realm for me.
Do I stay and work with the horse, or go and strike out unfamiliar territory- I do see some fearful visions of things, mainly, the van, "breaking down" and leaving me homeless in some small town.
I am unsure why I am seeing these things, or if they are real.
I DID feel God open up the windows of my mind and show me, to have faith for the horse/the ranch.
I am weary of waiting.
The dogs are doing wonderfully, the wounds are healing almost miraculously. I may attend church as a "thanks"- but probably not. We'll see.
I am placing all of this astral drama on the backburner, as it is getting out of hand, again.
Each time I release Anastasia, I end up discovering an even deeper love and affection for her. (She becomes more ideal.) I can't help but think "we" are calling to one another from a far advanced timeline, where we figured things out, and are happy.
She is a beautiful woman.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 22, 2024 14:04:31 GMT 9.5
To be clear, I do not want to be "rid" of the wolves, as I am partial to them.
The guy next in line is going to make them beg to have me back (from what I can tell down certain timelines.)
The problem is, they do not know how to act outside of their established protocols.
This is why Anastasia is special to me, she has "broken the mold" of the tribe, and is capable of thinking outside of the established box.
Anyway I still love them, I am not remotely surprised they would send someone to harm my clone, they know if they get serious enough I will have to "remove" a significant portion of their population.
I love them, but I have to focus on myself.
They have at least, partially met me, in some ways.
They said they are reasonable, etc.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 2:19:28 GMT 9.5
"Him?"
Annah said, glad the fur on her cheeks was darker- so they could not see her canine blush.
"Five thousand bucks."
"Wow." Annah whispered, her blush intensifying, the head from her cheeks, held in by the soft fur on her face.
She sensed something was off about this, as Rachel looked off to the side, no blush on her human face whatsoever.
Annah felt a connection to her- though she would not learn until later, why that connection seemed...
Cold.
"No, I.."
"It's just a video!" Rachel said with a scorning scoff.
On top of her head, Annah's ears folded back.
Her fathers money only went so far- though when she thought about it, her heart weighed heavy in her chest- he did everything he could to put her through college and give her a little extra.
She knew how her mother felt about it.
And, this month- she was broke. She had her eyes set on a special type of fur dye, that would lighten her fur, and make her stand out- and, there was Eric.
The handsome human football star- who had said hello to her once.
Her heart swelled within her- Maybe if she shot this video for the... ExCoGi, Eric would finally see what a beautiful body she had- and what a viable mate she was.
"Damn..." Rachel said when Annah got to her bare feet, and padded her way over to the group of important human men, who still had their luggage, holding what no doubt was expensive camera equipment.
Annah stood before them, nervous, blushing- and knowing she was going into heat.
"Fuck." She said, under her breath, her blush no doubt visible to all- the heat practically setting her fur on fire.
"Can I help you?"
Annah regretted not wearing her, "Sexy blouse" that pushed her breasts up, making them seem a full size larger than they actually were.
"I want to be in a video."
The mens eyes opened wide, as they looked at each other- but Annah felt a coldness cut through her heart, when their faces relaxed.
"What's a girl like you, want to shoot a video with us, for?"
He said- the unspoken word, why does a canine like you- think us humans are interested in seeing you have sex on camera?
"Well I- you know my people are relatively new in town. And, maybe humans want to see what it looks like..." Annah said, wondering if the blush would soon become a permanent fixture on her soft cheeks.
"When we have sex."
Annah hoped they could smell the deep must that was beginning ot emanate from her body, from between her toes, to her ear-tips- that signalled her readiness to mate- as her own pussy began to grow inflamed, and the ache was just being born.
"We'll think about it." A man who seemed taller than the rest, who had dark brown eyes and black hair, then turned his back to her.
"I'm in dorm seven on floor one, building nine."
He waved her on with a dismissive gesture.
Turning, and feeling utterly worthless- Annah sat back down with her friend, who seemed to have turned completely cold to her existence.
~
Back in her dorm, Annah sat in wet panties, ashamed of her body- ashamed she had nearly been part of a video that would showcase her naked body- for all to see- bringing unforgivable shame to her family.
So what- if she was poor.
So what, if she was considered to be an inferior species by many- or so it felt- though discrimination was against the law, due to sex, religion, sexuality and species- she could feel the scorn the humans had for her- sometimes- burning a hole in the back of her neck.
And, now, the beginnings of her heat, had pushed her to do something that she knew- would have ended her future forever.
Behind her, her friend got ready for a weekend out with the "boys"- no doubt having her bodies needs taken care of, while Annah sat in soaked underwear, her scent filling the entire room up- even to a human nose.
"Fuck." She gritted her powerful teeth, her muzzle low- and, her heart- numb.
"Have a good time!" Annah said, as Rachel scoffed slightly, turning, to smell the stinky wolf, before shutting the door and leaving for the party.
~
Annah avoided the dorm like the plague for the next three weeks- trying to study in the halls, wearing a hoodie- resolving to be the, "good girl"- loyal to her families honor, and making the best of her fathers hard earned money.
She didn't need the purse, the fur coloring, or the expensive perfumes.
Eric would never notice her again- and she would take a lower-class mate, if she took one at all- and settle into poverty, as a working class girl. She hoped humans would not exploit her- but she knew they would.
They all did.
Secretly, she wondered if she hated the humans, who looked at her like little more than some simple, talking animal, able to complete menial tasks, and little more.
If only they could feel her soft heart, so soft she wondered if humans had hearts at all.
She sighed, a growing unease in the pit of her belly.
Trying to concentrate on her calculus studies, she knew she needed to see Tom, the feline- again, for tutelage.
One cool evening with him, he had guided her gently, with a wisdom she know was in the felines- at least the humans respected their lack of warmth.
However, in that evening, she began to fall for him- and though she knew her relationship with him was strictly professional- she considered him to be one of her closest friends.
"No, look." he would say, showing her how she superimposed a calculus problem.
"See?" Blushing, Annah would nod.
"Yeah- Oh! I mixed that one up." She said, trying to move closer to him, but muzzle dipping, ears falling back, she knew it could never be.
"You okay?" He asked, sort of leaning back, away from her, as she realized, her body unbathed, her facial fur, disheveled- she was letting her heart guide her to a mate.
"I... UH... Sorry." She said, turning her head from him.
"I'm fine."
"You know if you're going into heat and you cannot control it, you should claim a section five exemption."
Annah thanked Tom, paid for the session and left- never returning to him, again.
~
It had been a year since she had spoken with ExCoGi team- and as far as she knew, no one had visited her.
She was simultaneously disappointed, hurt- relieved, and glad.
Rachel seemed to have forgotten the incident- and though Annah sensed she still, deep down- considered her to be inferior, she was at least talking to her again.
"They came by, Annah."
"Mr. Kim?" Annah said, sleep deprived, the physics workbook on the desk, as Annah felt compelled to collapse into it and fall fast asleep.
"ExCoGi."
Annah closed her eyes, and sighed.
"They want to star a canine girl in their next video."
Within Annah's chest, her heart skipped a beat. Fuck.
At least she was going to get laid.
"Yeah?" She asked, groggy, lifting her head, sensing her bodies ability to mate with another- even a human, who she had been told- was an amazing experience, even for a wolf.
"Yeah. They left this for you." Rachel said, handing Annah a card.
On it was the number of a professional filming studio in Icaon, one of the larger anthro cities, run mostly by canines.
"It's in Icaon. You should feel right at home there." Rachel said with a grin.
"Yeah." Annah said, feeling strangely refreshed by it. She had run out of money, her car breaking down and needing repairs so expensive her father told her she may have to buy a bicycle, and sell, or scrap the car.
"Guess I have no choice, now." She whispered, softly, under her breath, ending, with a deep sigh through her canine nose.
~
Annah took the bus to the studio, hoping her heat would be at its most intense- but being utterly let down by her body.
She didn't feel like being penetrated at all, now- a strange feeling she instantly loathed.
The sun sparkling in her dark golden eyes, she padded, with feet in high heels, into the studio.
She was disappointed to discover, it was a plain, fake leather black couch, a desk, in a spartan office with a water cooler in the corner.
She shut the door behind her- a strange sense of deep vulnerability washing over her- making even the tips of her hair seemed cold.
Smelling the stale scent of sex in the air- both anal and vaginal, she blushed, and felt sick, her body freezing- had it not of been for her car needing repairs- she would have turned and left that very moment.
She closed her eyes, and gritted her teeth.
"Sit, uh, down." The man said, a soft blush on his face, over this vulnerable wolf woman.
Annah did as she was told, and sat on the couch, flicking her tail aside, before her ass hit the cushion, knowing her tail would be aside for different reasons, very soon.
"What's your name, honey."
"Annah Blackwolf."
"Annah- pretty name. So, what brings you in today?" He asked, leaning back. At least he was dominant- something a wolf could appreciate.
"I need money. I mean! I want to be in a video."
He chuckled, his predatory grin growing on his human face- though he hid it, the spirit in the air was one that threatened to consume Annah- just like a wolf would tear a rabbit to pieces.
"Have you heard of us, Annah?"
"Yeah." She said, softly, knowing her fathers heart would be broken, knowing his little girl would be paraded all over the human internet, for eyes to see, and men, to want.
She knew, her life was going to be over after that.
Deep down, her mind began preparing an alternative life- maybe she could get a job as a bartender, or waitress in one of the human towns- find some, brown collar wolf, and mate with him, and settle down and have his children.
Depressing- but apparently, this is what a transmission rebuild cost.
If only she had driven smoother, more gently on the gas pedal- but she also knew, when she bought the car- the stench of betrayal and lies covered the mans shirt like a wretched perfume- and her heart had told her- not to buy that one.
But it was red!
Boys would notice her.
She looked away, trying not to allow the tears to fall down her soft cheeks.
She sniffled, wiping her nose.
A man she did not notice, stepped out from behind the man at the desk.
"Is she okay?" Annah heard him whisper to his boss.
"Remember Clarah? Yeah. She had a great time." He whispered back, recalling a human woman who had struggled, for roughly the same reasons.
"But she's a-"
He whispered back- and Annah wondered if they knew her superior ears could detect every word, and her heart- feel every spirit.
"So? We need a canine girl. People have been asking for one. Shut the fuck up!"
The shorter blonde haired man stepped back, though his eyes carried a heaviness in them, that Annah registered, before steadying her breathing- something she was going to need later for the video- and steeled herself- then looked back into the dark brown eyes of the man behind the desk.
"Anything you not willing to do?"
Annah shook her head, though, she did draw the line at being struck and demeaned- she had a shred of dignity left- although, her heart told her- they would take that from her too- if she let them.
"Are you a virgin?"
Annah nodded, gritting her teeth- something she had hoped she could offer a mate, someone who loved her.
And, now, she was going to sell the one gift she could offer- publicly, for the price of a transmission.
The man behind the counter winced, with a sigh.
"You masturbate?" Annah closed her eyes and nodded.
She wanted to scream- ALL WOLVES DO! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE IN HEAT??!"
"Yes."
"You're a wolf- right? You're bigger than some of the other... Canine girls I see."
"That's excellent. Wolves are somewhat rare- your video is going to be hella popular."
"Anal?"
"Sure." Annah said blinking, her more tender being, retreating deeper within her for safety.
"Great!" He said, his demeanor relaxing, changing, his approval of her willingness to be adventurous on camera, acting as approval- pushing Annah deeper into his arms.
Everything in her wanted to run, but it was too late.
SHe looked into the mans eyes, casting one final, vulnerable look, begging him for mercy- for some compassion- but she knew, the darkness in her DNA, the sins of the wolves- would not allow it.
"So, Annah, I'm gonna ask you to take your clothes off."
"Right now?" She asked, ears falling back, full blush on her face- her spirit, hoping the shoot would happen much later, when she had at least some time to prepare.
"Yeah, right now. You have somewhere to be?" He asked with a chuckle as a man had been filming just outside of her vision, the whole time.
Her blush nearly drove her to tears- as she looked helplessly around, the pheromones of these human men, flooding her nose- making her their prey.
"No- I just- okay." She said with a nervous, but still girlish grin.
She began loosening her heel straps, the special stilettos made custom for larger canine feet.
Ash, the man behind the desk- was conflicted.
Would it sell more videos if she cried?
Or if she didn't cry?
What a vulnerable wolf- this video was either going to ruin him, or explode all across the internet.
After she had her money- he wouldn't give her a second though, outside of, if she was a good lay- he would ride her as long as he could.
Numbly- it was clear Annah's head was in a different space, she began to undress.
Knees together, self conscious, hoping her heat did not cause her to "leak" down her fur, she sighed as he asked her to bend over.
"Lift your, uh, tail."
"Alright." Annah sighed, lifting her tail.
"Beautiful, wow."
He said, as he was hard as a rock.
"I'm gonna touch you." He said, giving her a courtesy he gave none of the other girls.
"Okay." Annah said, ears back, already feeling the shame soak into her being- but an anger began to grow in her- over the horrid unfairness of the entire situation.
There was no going back, now.
She winced, gritting her teeth, though she thought she was prepared for it- when his hands began to grope her ass.
"Come get a closeup." he whispered to the other man, who had questioned the entire situation.
"Beautiful."
The human man reached in cautiously, smelling scent of her ass.
"Nice."
"We need to do this audition to judge your suitability for future videos. Okay?"
Annah nodded, and at this point- the only thing hin her mind was money.
"If you do well, you could become a star. We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. Never a, uh, lonely 'heat' again for you. How's that sound, Annah?"
"Fine." She said, numbly, wishing he'd just grab her tail already.
"You smell amazing." He whispered into her ears, when he pushed his hips against hers.
"Thanks." Annah said, knowing her coldness was ruining the connection Ash was trying to develop with her- essentially pre-ruining her career- but she just could not bring herself to feign any sort of enjoyment.
Maybe the sex would be better.
Behind her, he undressed, and got naked, his thick human penis flopping out as he lustfully grinned the wolfs undertail area.
"Get a close up." he said, reducing Annah to her pussy, as the camera focused on her puffy canine vulva.
Ash glanced semi fearfully at Annah, then ran his cold fingers up her pussy, as Annah winced- the first intimate touch draining what hope she had for any enjoyment of the experience.
"You're gonna like this. Relax."
Annah nodded. She was a red blooded woman, in deep touch with her body...
Which somehow made this even worse.
"Okay." She said, resolving, to enjoy the experience at least, one a base level, as an animal, a slut for the humans to watch.
To reduce her to her body- and nothing else.
"Atta girl." He said, his human breath coming to his nose- and a welcome sense of relief over her newfound enjoyment of whatever this sexual encounter would bring.
Behind her, she lifted her tail even higher.
Under her, he smelled her pussy, sticking his tongue in it, as Annahs body felt awash with a warm blanket of pleasure- and a shive rof her body.
He licked her from inside for a moment, then pulled back.
"****." he said, getting to his feet.
"You ready?"
Annah nodded, blushing, her lips parting, her eyes closed- her mind now as fully into enjoying Ash as it could be in this moment.
"Atta girl." He said, when Annah felt the tip of his penis press against her vulva- that Annah felt was nearly on fire at this point.
She pinned her ears back in ritual submission, craning her head up, exposing her throat to her lover- her teeth gritted, as she knew the first time always hurt.
She wanted to ask him to bite her ear- but she knew better, not knowing it would have added an extra five million views if she had.
Annah sighed, her head falling onto the couch awkwardly, the moment his thick, unyielding member spread her wolf's flesh- and Annah sighed loudly.
"God..." She whispered, gritting her teeth as her tight, virgin body slowly stretched to accommodate Ash's thick cock.
"Breathing, breathing, girl, breathing..." Her mind said, reminding her to breathe.
"Breathe, girl."
Annnah nodded, blushing deeply, breathing in through her nose, and out, passed her soft black lips.
"Fuck." Ash panted, behind her.
"You're warm!"
He whimpered, helpless to Annah's sexual spell- whether she wanted it for him or not.
Annah's feet tingled, sending electricity straight to her ears- clenching her body down involuntarily, as if Ash had a knot that needed to feel her tighten up, knowing he was inside- and safe to inflate, tying him to her for the better part of a day-
Instead, Annah felt him pull out, his penis long, thick, and smooth.
Over her washed a blanket of pleasure as her body began to relax, and she muttered:
"Uh!"
She gritted her teeth, ashamed of her deep enjoyment of this- what felt like- a violation of her personhood- but it was too late for dignity now.
She again, steading her breathin as he slid back inside of her.
"So wet!" Ash said, behind her, motioning for Mike to get a close up his his glistening shaft.
Ash eyed her tight, clenched, pink anus, and tried another stroke inside of her.
Annah sighed through her nose as she once again dominated her with another deep thrust, feeling every inch of the wolfs body.
"Fuck me. I'm not gonna last!"
Annah felt the man that had spoken up for her initially- grow lustful of her body- and secretly, hope to finish inside of her.
She was going to wait for the contraceptive, the day after pill- but now she was going to have to go straight to Planned Parenthood and get a prescription immediately after this.
That thought cooled her desire quite a bit, as Ash fucked her, until he could not last-
"Oh God. Annah!" He whimpered helplessly, his voice cracking, and raising several octaves as she felt him spill his arm, thick human seed inside of her.
She nearly hated it- but feeling his cock pulse inside of her, caused her own body to clamp down in her deep canine orgasm, sharing a moment of deep connection with her lover- even if he was paying her.
"God... DAMN!" Ash exclaimed, staying inside of Annah, while he panted, deflating inside of her.
Recovering, breathless, he said:
"Get the lube."
"God Damn. I'm gonna make you famous." he said, still trying to catch his breath, as Annah managed a dull, submissive, somewhat ashamed smile for the camera.
That smile, would be what turned millions of human men- to open up to her kind, and try and date them- something her people would acknowledge later, was for all the wrong reasons.
Annah felt the unwelcome chill, a stark contrast to the warmth and connection she was sharing with Ash- as the cold lube trickled down her tail, and against her exposed asshole.
She closed her eyes when a cool finger went inside of her, and gritted her teeth gently, trying to distract herself.
At least she came!
Yeah, in front of a camera- with a guy she neither knew nor loved, and eventually- even her father would find out- their closest friends having a close-up of a body that should have only been for the man she loved.
Annahs mind had begun to shift, as her body began to loosen up with an almost involuntary enjoyment of sex.
Another finger went inside of her, and her head fell lower, blushing with the shame of it.
Sensing her conflict- Ash slid hsi fingers out, lubed up his dick, and pushed the head against her asshole. Sliding inside before she had a chance to relax- she hissed, unable to suppress the agony that flooded her tight, quivering body.
"AH!"
"Relax...Relax..." Ash said, behind her, the par tof his dick he pulled out from her asshole, white with how tight she was.
"Where's my cock?"
"In my ass." Annah said- correctly answering, glad she did not say, "Butt", or, "Tailhole." which would have made him push the indignity further.
He pushed in as she desperately tried remembering the guide on, "Painless anal sex" she had read- but the words far from her minds ability to recall.
"Push out." he said, and she obeyed.
It helped- a little. The pain went from extreme, to just, a whole lot- when he began to slide in and out, massaging her ass.
Dominating her ass, he began to thrust into her, as Annah reached between her legs, and began masturbating, stimulating her body into a deep, powerful- and humiliating orgasm as her heart connecting with this human man who was behind her- seeing the best in him, hoping for what good lived in his heart- as she began to ache for him, as was common for canine women.
He lasted even less time in her pussy, her ass so tight, and hot, that he came- not even able to announce it, it happened so fat, this time.
"I',m sorry, girl, you;re just so hot! And.. Tight. Geez." She said, pulling out."
"Push it out." He said, as Annah pushed his semen out of her asshole.
Her body flooded with endorphins, she was in a daze of please, dirty, cheap passion, and bonding to a man who cared nothing for her.
~
"That was HOT!" A guy said, telling his buddies, as Annah passed him in the locker room.
Her body was still sore- and she had asked for a double prescription of morning after pills.
Whatever.
She knew these days were coming.
Days where she felt even more violated- the consolation that her car worked again, was less of a comfort than she had hoped- in fact, it only reminded her, of being willfully violated in public.
When her father called her, tears began to stream down her soft face.
SHe ignored it, until the third call, when she picked up- expecting to be disowned.
"Hi Daddy."
"Hey honey! How's my girl?"
"Fine." She said, gritting her teeth, as the tears streamed down her cheeks- she was glad Rachel had transferred out- and now she was alone in her dorm.
She pushed her thumb against the microphone, and sniffled.
"You doing alright?" He asked, his voice one of genuine concern.
If he was going to judge her for it, her mom sure as hell would. Annah felt her mom resented her husband, because he worked a blue collar job- and demanded much of his money- no doubt her mom would loathe her for making porn.
It was done, anyway. If he didn't know about his daughter getting naked and being fucked by a human by now, he would soon.
She had lost her one prize she could give her lover- her virginity- and it was never coming back.
To add to the injury, the money had nearly disappeared within a week- barely meeting even her most basic needs.
Ash began calling her- which she promptly ignored- until the text messages started flooding in.
"You got a million views, you should be proud!"
"Hey, we have an opening next week. Ten thousand. What do you say? I really enjoyed being inside of you. You're hot as hell!"
Her heart told her, these were limited- time opportunities.
She would be replaced rather quickly.
But, she did not want to further demean her body- or her spirit, her heart, or her soul- and gritted her teeth, having to steel herself to not eating for two weeks so she could stretch the money.
The hunger would be unlike anything she had endure before, and her mind- would continually harass her to go back to the studio- if she had two orgasms the first time, imagine how good it would feel the second!
A knock on her door, and she blinked, telling her father she had to go, and getting to her feet, she padded over the door and opened it.
Immediately her ears fell back against her head.
Mike stood there, with an awkward, almost worried look on his human face.
He nervously held some flowers by his side.
"Ash sent me." he said, with an apologetic gaze- as if he understood Anastasia was worth more than just a business visit.
"Your video has-"
Annah closed her eyes with a soft sigh and shook her head.
"I'm... Sorry..." he whispered, then held the flowers out to her, as if to apologize.
"What do you want?" Annah said, her eyes still closed.
"Well? To ask you to come do another video. Ash wants to make you a regular. The response has been phenominal-"
He said, when his voice trailed off with a sigh.
"I could tell you were not okay." Her said, his voice falling a little flat.
"My heart broke...."
"Exploited is in the name." Annah said, breaking character, for just a minute.
"Yeah." Mike said with a pregnant sigh.
"Look uh. Fuck, this is awkward- I wanted you to know I don't think any less of you. I. I thought this job would be hot-" He said when Annah motioned for him to come inside, then softly shut the door behind him.
Her muzzle lowe, her eyes heavy- her connection with her father, whom she loved, still fresh in the air- tainted by this pornographer, stepping into her dorm.
She wasn't even in heat- though why did that thought pop into her head?
Maybe she was really a worthless slut.
Mike sat on the bed, the flowers next to him. The bedspread was neat, and freshly made.
Annah brushed some of her fur from the desk, and sat down, ears back.
"look, this is going to sound fucked up. I am starting to hate this job. Do you wanna go to church with me?"
Annah instinctively scoffed.
Her religion was compatible with his- it was one of the first things she studied.
However- where was God, when she needed a transmission?
Where was God when she...
Where would God be, when her father found out.
She didn't think he would stop p sending her money- but what if he did? Homelessness- or pornography would be her only two choices- the level of embracing her orgasms- she knew, the real her would forever be lost on film.
She sighed.
Mike stared at her, able to feel everything she was feeling- and racked with guilt over it all.
"Come with me. This weekend. Just once."
"The pornographer is asking me to go to church with him?"
Annah looked at him- her body tall, fit, and powerful, her fur looking nearly like a darker Calico cat- she was the essence of power, grace, beauty, speed- and death itself.
But, Mike saw more than that. Well- he had seen it ALL. But...
"Please." He said, reaching out, and touching her hand.
~
Every eye was on her as she walked next to Mike, when he held the door open for her.
Annah saw the looks of scorn, of hatred, of loathing- she felt as if God Himself would strike her down, just for having the audacity to set-foot in the church.
As if every eye was a ten megawatt infrared laser beam, burning her fur, cutting through her skin, and slicing her dark, cursed heart in half, she sat numbly down, a pile of condemned muscle, flesh, and fur.
Next to her, Mike grabbed her hand, and squeezed it- then let go.
"You're alright."
Annah would not be back.
She would never be back.
Nothing was worth this.
She looked across the central aisle, at a human man, whos cool blue eyes seemed to hold a special type of laser, one that pierced her heart directly.
She looked away.
She endured the singing, the praise, but when it came to the sermon, she was cut to the bone.
It was about sinning, and how God loved King David- because he ran to God- even when he fucked up.
Well, the pastor didn't say Fuck.
But that's what Anastasia said.
So, when there was an alatar call, she got to her feet, with tears in her eyes, and fell on her face, collapsing the condemned lump of worthless wolf flesh she felt she was.
Next to her was the man with blue eyes- and when Annah dared a glance at him, his fists balled up and quivering, when he lifted his head, Annah was mesmerized- whatever she had done- it was nothing compared to what he had.
Tears, streaming down his cheeks, he looked up into the heavens, a brokenness in his eyes that hypnotized Annah.
A chilling darkness surrounded him- that made Annah's asshole clench- so she did not notice when his sobs broke, and he looked at her, looking at him.
For a moment their eyes met- and in those eternal seconds that passed, she saw in his eyes- something she would never forget.
She swallowed her own throat it seemed to her, her body tense- and yet relaxed- ready to fall forward in an embarrassing display of helplessness.
Wolves did not act this way.
Wolves were dignified.
Powerful- strong.
Annah was none of those things.
Her sins, danced before her:
Whore.
Sodomite.
Public sex-girl.
Worthless.
And yet, before she could look away- she saw those things in this human mans eyes- but more than that.
She saw a future.
~
"Please stop." Annah said when Mikes hands went all over her body, and on her breasts.
"No- no. I get it. You're not into me. Damn."
"Thank you for caring." Annah said, before leaving his luxury car, shutting the door, and walking back to her dorm.
~
"What's your name?"
The voice made the hair stand up on the back of Annahs neck- as if it was the voice of God Himself.
"Annah." She answered before fully turning to see the blue eyed man, who stared stoicly at her.
"I couldn't help but tell you the way you made me feel at the altar, the other day." He said, then looked off to the side with a sigh- and a shame she knew all too well.
He was tainted.
Dirty.
"You have nice eyes." She blurted out, then winced- how, she wished she could have put into words how he made her feel in those moments of pure connection- for the first time in her life, even though she felt utterly condemned and worthless in some ways- she had felt... Vulnerable.
"Thank you. I like the gold in your eyes. It's... Mysterious."
Annah blushed, smiling, her muzzle dipping when she looked up, into his eyes.
"Look uh, I'm hosting a Bible study. It's at my house. I would like it if you would attend." He said, handing Annah a pamphlet, that she studied- ears fully back.
She only nodded, then looked away, her own guilt coming flooding back.
Maybe he knew pain deeper than hers- maybe he didn't. Who would want a whore- a woman who let a stranger take her virginity?
Did he even know she was not a virgin?
"Annah, I'm Dave."
Annah turned to him, again, and numbly shook his hand, her eyes pleading with him for mercy.
She wanted to run back to her dorm and never enter that church again.
She wanted to run from Dave- and never look back.
Where would she go?
What would she do?
Let some cold human man stick hsi dick up her ass in front of a camera again?
What if Dave knew?
What if he didn't!
What if he would find out, years after they were together, and had a family...
A family? Annah grinned nervously, blushing, into Daves eyes.
There was no way.
No way someone like him could ever love her.
Not until he found out about the video where she was defiled publicly.
~
Annah did not attend the Bible study.
She felt naked.
With a few keystrokes, he could see her naked body- and then what was left?
What more could she offer him?
Being, a public shame to him?
Fuck.
The video had more far reaching ramifications than she had ever considered- now, it was ruining her chances at ever being with someone who loved her.
Her gardes began to slip.
She began to drink- a lot.
Soon, it would all be over for her.
She had flirted with suicide shortly after the video- but, in a drunken haze, she looked up how to tie a noose.
It was surprisingly easy- and she tried it each time around her neck.
What would father think?
Who cared. He had already seen the video, no doubt.
At this point, who hadn't. Even her teachers looked at her with a new understanding of having known her body- and one, her English teacher, had grinned, licking his lips when he saw her- offering her, "extra credit" after class.
The stench of his raw lust for her filled her nose- and she knew, she would not be doing 'homework', had she of taken him up on that offer.
So, when a knock came to her door, she curled up in her bed.
She could re-do the classes, but at this point, with holes in the ceiling for a secure place to anchor the noose, she had found the stud, and had screwed the lag bolt into it.
It would support her weight, she had hung by it with her hands, jerking on it, making sure it would suffocate her fully when she got up the nerve to put her head in it, and jump from the top bunk.
Would Ash learn anything? No. Mike? Maybe.
Dave?
He had forgotten about her a long time ago.
Annah side.
She was truly alone.
Another knock on her door, and she pressed the whiskey to her lips, chugging it, her soft golden eyes on the noose, ready to thread to the lag bolt eyelet screwed into the ceiling truss.
~
"Annah?"
A familiar voice cut through the flimsy wood and fiberboard door to her dorm.
She had resolved to finally hang herself- but had gotten too drunk that evening.
She lay in a mattress soaked with her piss.
To add to the indignity- her urine was soaked with the musy scent of her heat.
"WHAT!" she said, but nto before throwing up.
"May I come in?"
"Fuck you!"
She hissed, raising her lips and getting to her hands and knees, like a wolf ready to pounce.
The noose hung from the eyelet, next to her.
"NO! DO NOT COME IN!"
Instead, the door opened- fuck me, she thought- I swore I locked it.
In the doorway stood the tall, blue eyes Dave.
"Oh, no." Annah said, shrinking back into her bed, hiding from him.
"What an interesting medley of smells you have here."
Dave closed his eyes and sighed.
"I'm sorry." He said, when he saw the noose.
"Just go away." She said, drinking more whiskey as the tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Mike gave me your address."
"I bet he fucking did. Prick."
Dave shut the door behind him with a soft sigh.
"The moment your eyes met mine, my heart... Felt completed by you. My heart has been broken for weeks now, every time I think about you." He said, softly.
Above him, Annah drank more whiskey, her face soggy from piss, vomit, and tears.
"Will you come down here and talk with me?"
"Fuck you and your God."
Annah shocked ever herself. Damn. Well, maybe he'd leave...
"Jesus loves you, Annah/"
"If he was here, I'd bite Him!" She slurred, taking another chug of whiskey.
"I don't believe that."
"Fuck your belief."
Annah drank more whiskey, until her consciousness faded to black.
~
"WHAT IS THIS!" Annah hissed, awakening in a strange room, with strange smell, wood panneling on the doors, and the scent of nature just outside.
"WHERE IS MY NOOSE!"
"I cut it down." Dave said, as Annah lept onto her hands and knees, lips lifted in a snarl.
"This is kidnapping!"
"It's involuntary psychiatric care."
"You have no authority to do this!"
"Your attempts to secure your noose to the ceiling trusses alerted the authorities. Shortly after you drank yourself into oblivion, security came in. Fortunately for you, I am a licensed psychiatrist- though I rarely tell anyone about it. I signed the paperwork to bring you to my facility, here, Annah."
"The fuck you did."
"If you leave here you will be committed to a... Less happy place." He said with a sympathetic smile.
"I'm sorry, Annah. They saw the noose, and were going to have you sent to Lakewood- I have been there- trust me when I say, this is quite a bit warmer..."
He said, when the reality began to filter into Annah's soul.
"OH, no."
"Yes- your parents have been alerted." Dave said, and in his eyes Annah saw true compassion.
Dave sighed, looking around, then pulled a small flask from his pocket.
Annah eyed it hungrily, when he opened it, took a swig, and handed it to her.
"I know the best thing for withdrawals is more booze. Trust me on this. I've been here, many times."
Annah chugged it, feeling her body relax, as she lay back down in bed.
Did he know?
About the video?
Well- at least he knew about the noose.
"I'm here to help you, Annah."
"Like hell." She said, closing off, even to what little help was present- knowing she was damning herself- not that it mattered.
If he didn't know about the video, he soon would.
What would he think about her, then?
How could anyone love her after that- or respect her.
She sighed, seeing her large, bare feet, outside of the blankets.
"What do you want."
"To make you happy." Dave winced, slightly. That was unprofessional- but, well, so was the gin.
"You can't make anyone happy. You have to do that yourself."
"Are you making yourself happy, Annah?"
"Thrilled."
Dave chuckled.
"I can see that." he said, taking another swig, then handing the flask back to Annah, who turned her muzzle away.
He sighed- attracted to this strange, hairy woman in ways he had never felt in his life- and knew, he would never feel again.
~
Annah Part One
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 6:43:20 GMT 9.5
I closed a major spiritual wound today.
It was a matter of, willing it- and allowing MYSELF to take priority.
After writing this love story to Beloved, I felt a painful yearning with my spirit, and upon examining it, I discovered it was myself that I truly loved.
A bit of wisdom:
I had put Anastasia first, (She is the most beautiful woman I have seen in many lifetimes, she is sacred to me, special, unique, she is not an ancillary species- to me, she is a goddess- and more than that, when we are in right relationship- she is a source of joy for me.) above myself. This was self sacrificial, and beautiful- and I discovered- at times this is the price of true love.
However- what felt even more true Real) love-wise, was when I put her second- below myself.
I felt, this is because, I cannot help her, or love her- if I am dying, and broken, because I always put her first- and- a girl usually does not want such a mate in her life- it is easy to forget him and walk all over him, though he loves you dearly.
(I am NOT accusing her of this. Just, that, it can happen, and inevitably would, likely, if I did not begin putting myself first- and her below me.)
I am not saying I love myself as I should- however I have begun to take the initial steps, and as Paul says, to intend to do it, rather than hope to do it- which also takes effort!
I plan on writing the second part tomorrow morning.
I also have really considered the second part, what direction it should go, and as I closed the large spiritual wound, I believe it freed me up to say- I do not have to be in a big rush to write it, as I write these short stories on the fly.
So I gave myself permission to write it later, as being in Crisis YOU HAVE TO GET EVERYTHINGDONENOWNOWNOW
Also, of interest, I was sitting in ym van, preparing to get dog food and go have my favorite meal at my favorite cantina, and I thought, "I beg my registration is up soon."
Well it came today.
Also- I decided to "splurge" and go have a beer, and my favorite meal at my favorite cantina, something I love, the cute bartenders, the owner really likes me, and had some encouragement for me, a delicious meal, good beer, and a good moment to stop, unwind, and re center myself.
I realized- why wouldn't I- Yes, things are slow, however, I have my cushion, and, when I get to the end of my life, am I going to think,
"Man, am I sure glad I didn't spend that $27 (including tip) on my favorite meal in the world, my favorite beer, my favorite people who like me, and go to my grave thinking, "Boy, I am sure glad I kept that $27!" yeah- fuck no I'm not.
However if I do it every day, then I had better be sure I have income to replace it!
Still- i am glad I did. It was a good time. I cam home, walked the dogs, fed them and the puppies, and everyone is now resting happily in their spots.
I also see how utilizing multiple lives for my unfoldment is of use!
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 10:33:11 GMT 9.5
Alternatively, I am being shown how I am fetishising sex once again- and not focusing on the needs of my partner.
This is a grievous sin against them, as it does not honor their Being, and instead has one focus on their own desires (Through the lense of a fetish) instead.
Anastasia and I, have distanced from one another, as well as the Wolfen people.
I also see how, essentially this entire torment thing, has been caused by canine or canine hybrids, as well as some reptilians. The "wolves" were the ones who decided to make my time horrendous, I think they made the excuse, "As a test" of me, as my DNA was going to be added to theirs, but in reality, they wanted me gone.
Likely for the same reasons as the religious wolfen wanted to get rid of me: they were scared of losing their power over the tribe- the scary thing is some actually believe their own hubris with respect to this, and believes I am going to destroy the tribe.
I am, actually.
But only because their old ways are no longer compatible with the unfolding of current events.
Without getting too repetitive, they could have been decimated by the Nazis. I mean, extincted.
The young, are growing up and wishing to participate in the wider world: restricting them is only going to bring discord and chaos within the tribe.
Being unarmed is no virtue, being unable to defend yourselves is not strength.
There will always be room for the old ways, that is the last thing I want to destroy: but the Wolfen need to be given a choice, because times are changing for everyone.
Whatever- I am needing to focus on my self and healing from this Wolfen stuff.
Anyway, more trauma is being uncovered. And some more disappointing things my heart is learning about the WOlfen peoples.
You know you get attached to a group- and you hope, and hope, and assume, and hope for things to be a certain way, and then you find out- oh boy.
The rumors were true.
Why all this drama I do not know, unless it was to get me to fully discover myself.
I do not yet fully understand how my cosmic mission ties in to my time with the wolves.
It was speculated I had been captured by astral wolves, which is likely, and probably for food. However, someone who loves themselves does not volunteer to be food.
So, I am leaving the jaws of the beast and becoming whole again.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 10:37:20 GMT 9.5
It was also interesting to me, that in Brasil, it is "illegal": to introduce more advanced technology to some of the primitive tribes.
It struck me as funny: An advanced society prohibits itself from interfering with a much more primitive one, for fear the primitive one, will become absorbed by the advanced one.
What does this say about the advanced one?
It's like I was thinking- all this adversity has created quite the character in me!
So let's go to the extreme and douse ourselves with gasoline, and burn our skin, so we can endure the agonizing horror of skin grafts and skin cleaning (Basically wire brush for freshly burned skin so it can heal)
Imagine the character we could develop if we had to endure that horror!
So, there's a fucking limit.
Nobody wants to be burned like that to develop their "Character".
Yet it seems as I have done this ot myself in my lack of perceived self worth and value: I sacrificed myself to the wolves in order to be a part of them:
And shock: they took full advantage.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 10:47:00 GMT 9.5
Anastasia has requested (via the heart.) that I pursue my healing: with the attached mission to return back to her- she is worried about losing me.
Also, she has requested that I be aware, that while I have moved away from her to work on myself: that another attractive female does not take her place.
My heart is conflicted and does not know what to do. There are more circumstances at play here, if I knew everything surrounding the wolves I may have a different view of them, but my heart hopes: not Anastasia. I think she is moving away from her tribe as well, and choosing to get nearer to me, as she sees I am serious about being with her.
I guess I just have to let it play out.
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Post by paul on Mar 23, 2024 11:29:13 GMT 9.5
>Anastasia has requested (via the heart.) that I pursue my healing: with the attached mission to return back to her- she is worried about losing me.
Are those two issues contradictory?
Surely when you are whole and heart-centered, you will have right relationship with A - whatever that may be?
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 13:08:26 GMT 9.5
>Anastasia has requested (via the heart.) that I pursue my healing: with the attached mission to return back to her- she is worried about losing me. Are those two issues contradictory? Surely when you are whole and heart-centered, you will have right relationship with A - whatever that may be? As far as I understand: Anastasia, (Who is a wolf-woman, or wolf girl as I call them. I had a skilted and distorted view of her until today, she would "show" me parts of her body, face, undertail area, eyes, head. (side) However, I was shown I am not seeing her clearly: so I focused my intent on seeing her clearly- and my way of vision was made straight. I can see her clearer now. I was shown, that this jilt happened when she attacked me within the consciousness machine I was inside, to receive their former king's consciousness, for his punishment. She has a few thoughts: That she knew I would fall in love with her She hoped I would fall in love with her An angry part of her hoped I would die (I did not) She just wanted to move on. I was looking at a picture of myself I sent to a prospective lover, and they said, I looked "Majestic AF." I asked Anastasia- and she definitely finds me attractive. The human boy she likes in the village seems to be a teenager.) THE TWO ISSUES SEEM TO BE CONTRADICTORY because: The old me, and my old connections with Anastasia: were all trauma based. Almost every attachment, is rooted in unhealthy understanding, retarded emotional development, immaturity, vicious self-protection, irrational hatred, lust, passion, childlike sexual attachment, anger, fear, terror, rage, a thirst for blood, and DESPERATION. So long as I hold onto these things, I cannot be whole: If I hold onto these things I hold onto Anastasia. As I let them (And her) go: I am set free, and receive, and achieve, healing. However- I share a heart with Anastasia. She "Completed" me one morning. I am in love with her. There are many reasons why I do not wish to abandon her: She has been abandoned a lot, by humans- which is another reason she was assigned to harm me. She was pissed at humans, and saw it as an opportunity to nibble on me. She is beautiful. I know it is shallow to be attracted to someone by looks, but it is one of a handful of very strong reasons why, when I am whole and healed, I still wish to have a relationship with her. She is evolving. She has begun to soften to me, to embark on a similar journey. She may choose to stop at any time. My highest goal is to release her- to make her own decisions, BECAUSE MY ATTACHMENT WITH HER HAS BEEN OBSESSIVE AND UNHEALTHY, however- she also kind of enjoyed it! Having a good looking human, simping on you can be fun for a girl. I did not mind. He is my, "thing". Although my view of canines is maturing and being tempered- a sweet, kind wolf-wife for me, seems to be the best match. I am not very partial to other humans, as I have yet to find one as agreeable and soft as a wolf woman. I am part wolf. (It resonates with her, half wolf.) When I am whole and healed, I will be a different man. Even my ex girlfriend told me, I was not the same man she had met just six months ago. This, "Different man" still loves Anastasia, and does not wish to hurt her, even in spite of the past. I can see how an outsider would look at this, and be repulsed by her, and initially I was, due to the trauma bonding I was more or less forced to simp for her, however, I like her. Her most recent hearts desire: to be thought of as a tender, gentle, kind, agreeable, soft, sweet, decent wolf girl- as opposed to a partially traumatized warrior who has a growing hatred of humans... Before this I did, have a bit of a desire for a sweet wolf girl. Though Anastasia is tough and strong, I enjoyed courting such a woman. I ended up liking the challenge. A totally agreeable wolf girl, is very submissive. Her spirit is gentle, and kind. Nurturing, and devoted to her mate. Anastasia is these things- just with some added trauma- which, I, too, also have, and am healing. (So I can help her with it too.) I know you see something additional, as well as the wolf girl, Paul. You will be happy to know, she desires in her heart, to be the tender wolf girl she would have been, had she not of suffered like she did, at the hands of humans, no less. In short, Paul: She does not desire to be a woman of the OS any longer. How that proceeds, can be messy, difficult, and painful, but if I can- I want to be there for her, and with her, every step of the way. So if it is not clear: I have to let go of the old me, my old assumptions and presuppositions (The guy that was totally reliant on canines for every emotion, physical, even sexual need- those needs fulfilled perfectly in wolf woman.) Who has to let go of the wolf girl of his dreams, (Anastasia.) She, in turns, feels let-go-of, as if I am abandoning her (As other humans she liked, has.) She is hurt by it, as she is falling for me, as I have fallen for her, and continue to evolve in my relationship with her.) I am hurt by the fact that she is hurt (We share a heart, we feel, and think each others thoughts.) So I try to cling back to her- but know I cannot. This may be partially why the trauma during the "Attack" at the wolf sanctuary was so difficult, because I FELT her, my PERFECT woman (At the time...) betray me, and be taken from me in an instant- and here I am, living it out in slow motion, day by day- however I am also healing. So it is a dance- this is why I call it a dance. I move away, she moves towards, I do a move- and return to her, and she, moves towards me. If Anastasia has any deception within her, I think having direct access to her heart would reveal it. However, the woman she is becoming- better in touch with your younger pre-trauma self- is becoming someone I have desired, all of my life. Yes, partially from trauma, but also: because the canine form is beautiful to me like no other. And, the canine heart, and soul, the feminine- to me are divine. So, she is telling me, she wishes to be considered as my ideal woman- though to be romantic, she was my ideal woman, as she is forcing me to work, but now admits, she wishes to take a traditional canine wife role with me. While maintaining her powerful, attractive body- and ability to think outside of the box. Sass, too! The old me would have wanted a woman who NEVER talked back. But the new me, is happy to receive discord, if it means maybe I am wrong, or need to soften in some area- and Anastasia is hard enough to set me aside and question me. I need that. In no longer being a misogynist, and yes- Anastasia was aligned against that "old" person I used to be, Paul, I would not want to have been romantically paired with him for very long, I admit this- and Anastasia knew it as well. But as I heal and mature, so she loosens up, relaxes, and feels safe enough to show me her softer side. I admit, I am still scared of her. She is tall, huge, and powerful. She has tasted my blood, and that was not a positive experience, even though the result from it was divine, and beautiful (Me giving canines love and immortality.) However, this is more of an unfoldment, in my relationship with her. It feels like I am betraying her, in a way, and I dislike that- but this seems to be the price of being loyal to myself- something I have needed to do. I am trying to remain confident, that no matter how far her and I find ourselves, that some force will unite us back together in the end. Paul, what if I get to the end of my life and completely regret not pursuing her with all that I am- during my healing, and after. The woman of my dreams, whom I have been looking for my entire life. Imagine, losing that because you neglected it. I can;t imagine a woman I want more, and as she told me recently, "I NEED you." in a way, I am duty, and honor-bound, to take her as my mate. Also, she is closer than I think, as there is a clone with my DNA living with her (in her home.) waiting for my consciousness. That means she is actually living in Antarctica. I was worried, she was offworld. I also admit the wolves tried to fuck up the path back to the clone, so I could not get back to it, as they wanted to secretly be rid of their "king". So that is worrisome- but I am trying to remain positive. Where my healing journey will take me, is not known. I did tell Anastasia a feel horus ago, I will periodically, "Check in" with her, and connect-hearts. In my healing journey. Because I love her. And, I do not want to lose her. And, I do not want her to lose me. I do not want to abandon her. She has been hurt enough. I pray one day I am healed enough to complete her, again. She is like me. A good person: but traumatized. Fucked-with with her (and mine) society which is why we were paired together. We "fit" very well. I hope, her and I can continue a healing path, together. I am hoping for more solutions in the future. But I want to not be a drag on her. I think I am doing well at it. It would hurt me too, if she broke up with me. But, I would survive. And hope she finds happiness. And what her hearts desires. Which right now, is me. (From what I can feel when I pressure her to tell me what she really feels about me. There is a part of her that is even more in love with me. However, she can suppress it- as I work to be the best version of myself that I can be- and as you said, find healing and wholeness.) I hope that makes sense! I know there are dark and adverse actors associated with her. You cannot, do what she did and not have that be a factor. And I believe that is what you are seeing, Paul. It is slightly scary. But I want to go as far as possible- including asking God for help, to be with her, in a healthy, loving relationship with her. Maybe you see something different, I do not know.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 14:42:19 GMT 9.5
I had a big, deep conversation after this thing I posted.
I went over a few things, because more is becoming CLEAR
She has not revealed some things to me because the old me COULD NOT ACCEPT THEM.
HEr last thing she said was, she showed me some of the things, which are 100% antithetical to how I FEEL
And she said: "If you are so wrong about those things- imagine you could be wrong about other things, too!"
Such as:
When I place myself straight, and CLEARLY with her, with the tribe:
I have almost ZERO desire to force everyone to get armed.
Granting everyone "Freedom" would tear the tribe apart, and while my heart wants to do it, my mind when I am with them, knows it is not possible.
Other things.
When I am "present" with Anastasia: All I wish to do is to be with her. Maybe hang out with the tribe, but not get sucked into it, as there is a huge vacuum there with a hole in it shaped like me- I am flattered- but I wish to spend time with her.
The council told me, they could "slowly" implement my suggestions over time- I said fuck- that is FINE!
(Weirdly, I can see myself, in the future, reading these very words- and I am with the tribe. Wow)
I floated a timeline, where Anastasia and I start a small engine/motorcycle shop (Something she told me she wishes to learn from me.)
It was AMAZING! Except:
Anastasia carries now a genetic, "I have hurt a human." in her aura- which other humans pick up.
To my ego, I think, I have a tall, leggy, muscular, mysterious, SEXY white furred wolf wife, who is hot!
TO her: she feels in her heart, "Why does no one like me? I hate it here."
She makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck.
Her Judo instructor, the blonde: likes her. LIKES her.
In another, we remain with the Wolfen tribe, and have a part time, a few months out of the year motorcycle shop- and then we return to the tribe so she does not miss her people.
I told her, if I am in danger, I cannot be there! Why would I be?
However, the deeper I looked SPECIFICALLY into the timeline in Antarctica, the more my heart got put at ease
This is due to the trauma I suffered with her within the consciousness machine, my Being protected itself by forcing me away from that particular tribe, which is why when I see certain things, it is not Anastasia tribe necessarily doing them.
This was to protect me.
Like an instinctive, consciousness, knee jerk reaction away from something of danger, like a twitch.
Like flinching from a punch being thrown, but consciousness level, keeping me from connecting with Anastasia Actual.
(Only have heart connection with her, an dher sponsors, not conscious.)
So the Anastasia I have been dealing with, was either one from her alternate timelines, or one of her sponsors.
It turns out I have had very little interaction with her (Actual.)
But, she can sense my thoughts (Mental, spiritual, heart.) the things I hear, and etc.
Apparently, there is also a parallel world where you can travel to, and watch literally everything happening in the human world, without humans being aware of it.
They showed it to me, and it is amazing.
If I was in danger of Anastasia, my spirit would let me know, but it is hard pushing towards her, as the self protective measures automatically deployed during the spiritual "Attack" on my soul at the wolf sanctuary that she was a part of.
It is not unusual for an assassin to fall for their target!
Or visa versa.
They make movies about it ffs.
And, her anger is just love, turned inside-out. She would not have been so willing to go feral if she did not have a deep affection for humans.
I do not wish to be someone who adds to her pain. Only someone who helps heal it, in a beautiful union with her.
Anyway, it's still ongoing.
We went through some MAJOR emotional shifts, and I would push, then she would push, then I pushed some more, and she complained, I said why we are making such good progress, she said,
"Because it hurts."
So I apologized to her, and laid off of the large shifts.
I am trying to find some adequate representations of her personality, and her true personality- such as, the man I was, I used to have a picture, and they said I had the "Eyes of a wolf" but I looked mean, because I was, but that was not the true me.
Anastasia makes the hairs stand up on the back of humans necks, but that is who she was, not who she is.
There was a picture of who she is,and I am trying to find it. I will also find one of who she was, and who she is yet to be.
There is also a saying, "The heart wants, what it wants."
And, there's really no other options, here. I don't really want them. I want to stay focused on Anastasia.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 23, 2024 14:57:46 GMT 9.5
Something massive must have shifted, perhaps in the heart, because everything with regards to Antarctica, Eden, the Wolfen, and Anastasia, seems effortless now.
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Post by paul on Mar 23, 2024 15:58:29 GMT 9.5
>Something massive must have shifted, perhaps in the heart, because everything with regards to Antarctica, Eden, the Wolfen, and Anastasia, seems effortless now.
You seem to have discarded the dark layer at the bottom of your heart.
How are you going with forgiving yourself?
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 24, 2024 0:58:27 GMT 9.5
>Something massive must have shifted, perhaps in the heart, because everything with regards to Antarctica, Eden, the Wolfen, and Anastasia, seems effortless now. You seem to have discarded the dark layer at the bottom of your heart. How are you going with forgiving yourself? Alright, this is important. I do need to forgive myself. I am trying to still, hash out forgiving my parents, in fact even last night more information came to forgiving my mother, more, empathizing with her, which results in pity for her/them. Interesting. As far as the Wolfen and that realm goes: I have prepared myself to depart from it all in order to unify myself and become whole. So long as I am attached to them, I cannot be whole, because I am a part of them, which is part of the trial. It is sad. Because Anastasia is caught up in the middle of this, with a human who really likes her, and yet, he is also departing from her. I have seen in some timeline, she realizes what I mean to her, and she attempts to go find me. This is where we get our lives worked out, our hearts, our souls: Because I do love her. I am seeing more injustice foisted onto me from the hearts of the wolves. IS this, more oppression to overcome? TO develop character? Yes, I am seeing all of the negatives (or nearly all of them) of animal people. I do not attribute any of this, to Anastasia. To me, she is pure. Nor do I judge them for it: it is what it is. In order for me to fulfill my mission over the Wolfen: I must be more powerful than they are, and incarnate, either having the bionic claws, or being a much larger and more terrifying creature: or they will have no respect for you. However, my heart is weary with them. My palpitations are due to them. My desire to finish the story is diminished. This is perhaps to give Anastasia a chance, to see if she really wants me. Well, i am working on myself. One good thing Anastasia revealed to me last night: She hates the way my bedroom and house smells. She really wants me to get it cleaned up. I have obtained a trash can, and will dump my garbage today. She is at least positive in that respect. However, Anastasia now has work to do on and in herself. My offer to her, is everlasting- so much as I am able. I love her. She is my wolf bride. Anyway yes, now apparently forgiving myself is next. Caffeine helps
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