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Post by tundrawolf on May 20, 2024 13:50:34 GMT 9.5
I received some downloads, yesterday, I was shown how brutal, violent, and inhumane (inhuman) the animal people can be- Just like "regular" animals on this planet, we all know the horror of existence they are a part of- and perhaps the karma that goes with that, the brutality of natural balance
As if I needed to know that- with how the tribal wolf people have treated me (horribly)
However, it was good soul-knowledge (A firm "knowing")
I am coming to myself. I assumed "Healing" was this, "nice" process
Instead of an arduous, brutal, horrific theater of cosmic suffering
That is rarely pleasant
I am still struggling with, "What comes next"
I am attempting, to deal virtuously and kindly with the wolf people, while simultaneously, working on detaching myself, and working to honor and heal myself
Do I smuggle guns and drugs in my vehicles
Not any more
I found myself, recently, talking to one of my original crimeys, and he needed a weapon, and wanted me to help (I was the former "gun" guy) however, I refuse to step back into "crime"
So I began to tell him how to 3-D print his own guns, and then I realized, this man has allegedly done work with the Mexican Cartels- I am inadvertently, arming the cartels this way
However- I nearly went to "work" for the cartels, during a low point, when I just wanted to hurt people, last year
And I am the type, I will lie for a friend, in court, if you don't have loyalty, you have nothing (no one will trust you, good luck having a good life being untrustworthy, same with being honorable)
I am also becoming disgusted with the male gender, being on Grindr
I have found modern "men" to be weak, cowardly, and lacking intelligence
I wonder sometimes, how human women "put up with" "us", perhaps it is genetic gender roles, and perhaps they are coerced via their primal DNA to want to "be" with us
But I do not get it.
I vacillate, between being pro human race, and utterly disgusted with them/us
I was also disgusted with "Android" operating system, however recently I purchased a tablet computer that works on "windows"- and windows is so much worse, even from a fresh wipe and installing all the drivers, humans have still not yet figured this out? How much time have we had?
It makes me grateful for the functionality I get on my phone!
I guess I am in a mode, "Everything sucks, and fuck you."
The kid from the above incident, no clue what "age" they were, tried glomming onto me, telling me stories, trying to impress me, however I was not entertained
I require, the seasoning of life, deep intellect, life experience, to be entertained, I mean the young one no offense, I wonder how I would be a "father" if I ever were to travel down that path- what is healthy, what is right??
I listened to a podcast two days ago probably, where a woman talked about, how humans used to live in tribes, and the entire tribe raised the children- which was ideal- because while the child was with someone else, the mother and father could have a break
And, as I learned, that humans cannot seem to get passed the knee jerk reaction, some of those adults, taught the children about sex
I looked back in the timeline, and yes, it included actual sexual acts, if the children were curious
And, those children were neither harmed nor traumatized by it, the natural curiousity was allowed to play out
I see these, hypocrites online, from one side of their mouths, they say, put pedophiles in wood chippers, then when a woman human teacher, has sex with a young one, they say, out of the other side of their mouths, "Where was this woman when I was in school?"
Fucking hypocrites.
I also see, how many, who are violently anti- pedophile, just like those who are anti-gay, "deep down" have those urges and desires, sexual- for children- likely, they would be those living in the tribe, who would "teach" desirous children about sex, who are violently against it- because society tells them so, and you have people like me, who were brutally fucking raped, and it caused me deep trauma, so humans tend to favor fear- and they say, "It is always wrong!"
Except, I saw in the comments of some video I was watching, probably about sexual trauma, that a man admitted, his step-dad had anal sex with him when he was younger, that he not only enjoyed it, but it was a positive experience for him, and helped shape his sexuality into something he enjoys present day- this was an adult saying this!
Can the human race be salvaged, long-term??
I read that, some tribal elders, looked seven generations into the future, when making decisions about the tribe, to see what would happen
How we have fallen short of this foresight!
I don't even plan in the next moment
I am also, was also, shown, I am to remain on this ranch, with my adverse, stupid two year old child mother, and suffer
And, how all I want to do is fucking LEAVE
And hoping a cosmic loophole happens and I can GET OUT
However, I was probably shown, this is a karmic reversal- I must suffer now, to be "free" of the OS, as Paul says! I must go against my own instincts
I am taking back my authority
So much damage has been done, and it seems insurmountable
How do you come back, from no going back
The wolf people it seems were my accusers- however, when one looks into the inter tribal dynamics, they practice what they accuse me of- although they have a theoretical "point"
And yet, a member of the high council, told me there is a place for me, among them!
I explored a time line, where I detached from them, and became alienated from them, then returned to them, and they neither believed I was their former king/was one with them (I am human) and were very cold to me, untrusting, it was, hard!
They are xenophobic, but societies that are not, sometimes become destroyed from within
There is merit to being racist!
There is no merit to dismissing an entire race, and not giving individuals a chance to prove their character
How can these, conflicting dynamics be true
I spoke with, a younger man, at the dog park, who talked to me, about the puppy, who was sticking with me, like glue, and was, undoubtedly, cute
He had been through very similar adversity!
He admitted, his dog, came to him spiritually, and told him, "If you do not get clean I am going to leave you forever." and that he went to treatment and got clean. He was abused by his Christian parents
I told him, holy shit- a wolf saved my life, similarly!
I told him about antarctica and the wolf people
He was enthralled, but I made the mistake of dominating the interaction, though I tried to be cordial
However, he told me something,
"I see "bad" people, but I admit, I am one decision away from being exactly like the,." I was blown away by his wisdom
Again! I am shown the younger generation is doing okay!
And, how the boomers, maybe not their fault- are highly lacking in intelligence
It makes them angry, mean, stupid, violent, cold, uncaring, unfeeling and cruel
How they molded their futures without a single thought about their children whatsoever
In tribal dynamics, they would have been viewed as adverse, stupid, and not allowed to give advice, eventually ousted, if the tribe was just
And yet we allow them to control the world, even as their minds decay
Are the wolf people this way- I don't even want to know! However, the wolf people, tend to favor what is just, even if I feel I have been treated unjustly- perhaps it was all my fault, and this life is teaching me!
The puppy did well at the park, but was stuck to me like gl;ue, I intend to bring the other puppies there, as they are healthy enough for it
God had me stop to look at my van a few days ago, and asked me, how do I "feel" about it- I admitted- not good! He said, this is why I am not allowing you (Asking you not to, not giving you peace about it) to work on it!
He said, what I desire, is en-route to me, including, clean living
Abundance and prosperity, I am making room for it. I am, doing away with the old limiting beliefs
It is difficult, and the old fear is there- to keep me in the old thought patterns
I do not know what to tell my mother.
"You are a cruel little child, and the only reason you are being kind to me, is because you are growing old and are growing afraid of being utterly abandoned, because of how evil you have been."
I also saw a podcast, on how evil Christians have been- not persecuted, but persecuting!
I wondered, why the church is torturing people to death and burnign them alive- wasn't the church, the "good guys"? What history is fucking real?
Were YOU there? Do YOU know what actually happened?
Very few people were around, thousands of years ago and have lived contiguously
As someoen on thsi forum told me, "There is more truth in our fairy tales than our history books"
And, i see how the cruelest, most vile human beings, use religion to remain unchanged
My mother, being one
Vile, vile child eater
And yet, claims to love "god"- the one that slaughtered millions, for pathetic, petty reasons, like the Bible claims???
THAT one?
Well that just makes sense.
The younger guy told me, it must be hard, knowing these, attractive, beautiful, sexy wolf people are just a few thousand miles away- and here I am, suffering and struggling in my human life, knowing, the women of my dreams, are "right there"
I said- it is the hardest thing, however, I have to ask myself- am I ready??
From one side of my mind, evil fucking bastard humans and entities are keeping me from the wolf people, the bastards, i am going to whipe them out of memory! No punishment, just doom
And the other side of me, says, are you REALLY ready? You are SO charged up for these wolf girls, sexually, you would do the most extreme sexual things with/for/to them, how do you think you will act when you get with them? Are you truly healed enough? Will you become suddenly angry, becauise you are not in control of your emotions, and poissibly do terrible things, and then regret it so horribly later, because I am vulnerable?
Maybe these people, are actually doing me just, be preventing me from living with the wolf people
I admit, I am at a poitn where, I realize, I am barely better than a child, myself
Perhaps I am just 12!
I want to be an adult!
I want to be mature!
I want to grow!
I want to be trustworthy!
Some guy on grindr, a man my age, sending me unsolicited pictures of his body- which repulsed me, though he is "fit", I am not attracted to men! He said, you wanna meet tomrorrow for kinky fun?
I said NO THANKS
I wanted to say, you fucking dolt, sending me pictures that turn me off, acting immature, ignoring the signs I am trying to send you, and then propositioning me for sex- get fucked!
And the rage he may be feeling about being rejected
What a fucking shit show, these things are!
I am not even attracted to humans at all, but I am more attracted to women, and enjoy being around them
It boggles my mind how Paul wants me, to have compassion for my mother
Why!
Why would I want, such a vile, wretched, sick creature anywhere near me
I was shown, the vile, dead bloodlines that birthed me, from both sides, mother and father, and how I am glad I did not perpetuate it by having children- even my brother, who had a male and female child, the male- is already displaying the violent doltishness of my father
My mothers boyfriend keeps reminding me, my little brother is having a baseball game, I am going to tell him when I see him next, stop fucking mentioning it, I DO NOT CARE
I could NOT CARE LESS
My brother, is a cowardly, wretched scumbag, who failed me when I needed him most
And, who continues to entertain, my murderous, violent, stupid father
And I am the one, tasked with nullifying the karma of this, dead-end bloodline
I hate it!
This si why, eschewing with your religion, turning your back, on "Family", is so difficult, because the path your forefathers prepared, is no longer available!
But I would not want it to be!
FUCK them!
However, I did find some righteous of my ancestors, they are not all vile
My uncle, Elmer, was a good man, with a soft heart
The rest- incestuous, cruel, selfish, self centered, hateful, lustful, sexually depraved, sick little childsren in adult bodies, incestuous! Vile! Disgusting human beings
I would, load them all into a railcar and have them taken to a camp- and not once regret any of it
Not for a second!
Fuck 'em!
I'd mow them down after making them face a wall, and chuckle about it, later
Vile, disgusting human beings
I was, smacking the thick tempered glass cover of my large skillet, to keep the dogs away from it, with a small spatula with small metal rods in it, I was so charged with emotion, the glass SHATTERED, the metal did not even hit it! I felt my energy was pushed into the glass, and it broke, all over my bed
I am still torn about the puppies, they are so special, so acred to me, and yet I know I must, how can I keep eight dogs, who are all related! Perhaps I must? I feel it is immoral to "sell" them, and yet- I must! How do I reconcile this within myself?
Another reason, why religion, is helpful to people! I could, place all this at Gods feet and ask Him for guidance!
And yet i feel the break through is coming
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Post by tundrawolf on May 20, 2024 13:54:51 GMT 9.5
I may start an open, honest, and raw podcast
And just talk about this shit.
I know I am not the only one, but perhaps I am extreme- I know I am! Who else, wrestles with wolves
I felt I should have, years ago, and now I feel like the time has passed
I do not feel like the time is right, I nearly started it
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Post by tundrawolf on May 20, 2024 14:18:45 GMT 9.5
I don't want to, get to the end of my life, and be told, if I only tried a little harder- put more effort into it, I could have been/lived with the wolf people.
This has been such a common theme for me, it is likely a warning not to give up on them!
Why would I want to be with a people, who has treated me with hatred, disdain, and cruelty-
The answer is, because I love them.
The girls are worried, I am going to overly sexualize them
The males are worried I will become ultra- dominant and violent
They all have valid points!
I need to, go see the lion folk and get fucked raw for a while, and get with some hot lionesses, for some reason, the felid people are therapeutic to me
ANYWAY
It is a lonely road, when you go it alone
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Post by tundrawolf on May 20, 2024 14:19:54 GMT 9.5
It is wretched, and violent, how I live, in heaps of trash, moisyture everywhere, the stench of rot and mold
And yet- God had good advice- do not clean it up until you are ready to change! Because you will only go back to it, like a thousand times before- so I took the advice
Not even my own dogs want to live in this filth
What else can I do
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Post by tundrawolf on May 20, 2024 14:31:59 GMT 9.5
The younger man, (Not the child.) who i spoke to, who talked about how his dog, saved hsi life by appearing to him spiritually, I told him about the Freemasons. He, immediately tensed up and went rigid.
"I don't like them." His demeanor suggested HATRED
I told him- I was being helped by one, and am learning, to love myself, forgive myself, forgive my parents, learn right relationship with the wolf women, all positive things!
He said, "I hate them, but i admit, I do not have knowledge about what they are really about."
It seems as if, the Freemasons, are the catch-all of adversity, with so many humans
There is a war:
It's the Freemasons!
I stubbed my toe!
FREEMASONS!
My car is blue!
Those fucking Freemasons did it!
It's cliche, and tiring at this point!
However I do not hide it, I would get the compass and square tattooed openly on my hand, and say FUCK YOU to the world about it!
I am becoming less and less concerned, with the consequences of my actions, and tired of operating, through a societal lense
When even these humans around me, can't be coerced into being real about anything
Everything has to be double meaning, double speak, hidden behind emotion, the only REAL people it seems are the pagans!
One of the founding fathers wrote in a letter, so eloquently, but amoutned to, "I don't like you, get fucked, I couldn;t care less about your sensibilities, go fuck yourself, I am not going to change my mind."
I have immense respect for that!
The BRASH Americans! Well, who else is going to do it? The older societies that are mired in "Business as usual"?? Certainly not! But, also, maybe! Who knows what these, younger people who see the decaying society around them will do, we may be surprised when they take the reigns, but in reality, it is my generation next- I can only hope that we turn the tides of our inevitable collapse
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Post by tundrawolf on May 21, 2024 13:27:17 GMT 9.5
Alright I am on a water fast, following a light alcohol binge Many downloads, reconnecting me with my self, revealing things, light is being shown to reveal things, I think the tide turned a few days ago More childhood memories- my childhood was as cruel as I remember it being- confirmed This is a good video on using your child as a "Poison container" for your own childhood issues- this creator has great videos on esoteric science and spiritual matters, and childhood trauma: www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQaaxoITzU8He also lives near me, and wants to hear my story, so I will make a video, I began writing an autobiography a few years ago, but stopped because I felt, nobody would believe it anyway, so why try, so i will make a video I was asked years ago to make video logs of my life, but I did not do it, I had many excuses I am re-claiming more of my Being- and also making further attempts to forgive and hold harmless my parents, and society One of my sponsors asked me, to stop being afraid of, and angry at, the wolf people- and instead, push friendship towards them I had self-protected myself, and I had put enmity between them and me I saw that just today! Same with some of the wolf girls. I may not be able to choose a wolf girl or the others yet. I am seeing myself for the first time "myself" could also be my inner child I am pushing love towards them, but I am in "pieces", the intent is growing, positivity is being birthed in my heart naturally- it is good! There is a male puppy, who has bonded to me deeply, he is one that must be touching me always, and is always near me, and when I awake, he is usually in my arms or next to my head I noticed a hard mass under his heart. I was told, it is there because of his connection to me- and is repairative I am also aware, these puppies- have all volunteered, to assist me with my unfoldment, and each carries a part of me with them There is a female who has a very soft heart, if I discipline her, it wounds her heart, and she is at peace with me, sleeping with a smile against my knee, this is a good sign There is also a male with the other soft heart, he is spending more time with the puppies and I, before he would hide I am seeing, big reasons why I have not been okayed to work on the van, god is trying to get me to unfold and evolve so I do not drag the old, negative concepts get dragged into a new dynamic that is supposed, do be for my benefit! I passed my mother and I felt her desperate to talk to me, but I did not stop I am just as at ease, not speaking to her, and allowing it to unfold, however I remember she went to, "Adult children of alcoholics" for some time, and she is open to being taught, but seems unable to allow the knowledge to be applied practically- wasting my time and breath- and then vomiting acidic cruelty, vileness, and negativity all over me- something that drags me down, because of the maternal connection- it is not worth it to be around her. I am also, detaching from the wolf people in ways I was scared to do, however, my heart is holding onto faith, that even if I completely disconnect and leave them- that somehow, I will be reunited with them. I wondered, if the offer of, a seat on the Council (a place of honor amongst them.) was a rouse, propaganda, or deceit, however, it remains in my heart as true. Usually, this means, it is not a trick. I am reminded, no matter what it feels like, to have hope- towards the final chapters of my life, there will be a great salvation and awakening, with respect to the people I love. It will be good! I am also feeling, positive things I had not felt since the attack at the wolf sanctuary, some weird, some negative- but I am able to deal with them now, as I am not powerless I like the youtube guy, because he validates, the lack of proper love, and violence and poison that were a part of my childhood My body keeps the record. I am also seeing, how, I am so unprepared for being here, in thsi realm, on and in this planet, there is so much that is the "norm" here that I am not privvy to! This is going to be a big issue for new arrivals, perhaps the greater me is paying attention?! I was sent in blind, vulnerable, ignorant- and was full taken advantage of This is why this journey has been so hard- but I also yet see, how I am in full control and authority here! I was deceived into surrendering it, many ways, over some time! However I see it all now Or, am starting to My heart wishes to continue work on the van. Maybe soon I will be authorized to continue, until then, I am relaxing, and healing God is telling me he desires to grant me the desires of my heart Also, the youtube guy mentions a spiritual ritual that honors his old self, his inner child
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Post by tundrawolf on May 21, 2024 23:30:17 GMT 9.5
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Post by tundrawolf on May 22, 2024 3:06:00 GMT 9.5
As I continue on, and more things open up, I wonder what is still relevant
So much is being opened up to me, even in the last few moments
In weighing my mother against the new information coming, about childhood trauma, she is only blameless in her ignorance, a total tool of the oppression system, even worse than a mother who kills her own children (Puts them out of her misery. In many ways as Paul said, dying can be the "easy way out"- a mother who murders her own children, is more virtuous than mine)
I see how out of phase my life is here, I was shifted, and twisted, out of right relationship with life, and I have been, since I was born I think! If I was not, my cruel father and narc mother made sure I set on a path that they approved of- one of feeding them and taking their poison from MY scared essence! And then, pushing ME down a path of self destruction, hence why I sold my soul to have sex with a wolf (I didn't even need to do this, she flirted with me sexually, almost as often as I went in her enclosure with her! For fucks sake)
I wonder, was this all for good? I guess "In the end" has not happened yet
And my relationships with the wolf girls- yes it is true, I do not get to be with them, at least it seems so- because I am still not properly adjusted, though I wish to be with them with all of my being
Was the persecution of the tribe of wolf people, really evil? (Edit: persecution of me/their king, by them. Who knows if what the Nazis did wouldn't turn out to be for good in the end too?)
Was I really properly adjusted, with all of this authority over them- so was tormenting me until their king died, a bad thing?
I have to ask myself this!
However, I cannot excuse the actions of the religious wolfen people, they acted with a dark religious oppression, similar to what I see in church today, my mother, other self-hating, WEAK religious people, who push out harm for others, so that they "feel" better
I hoped the wolfen were different- in other realms, they are- sure, higher realms
But in this one, they seem to be just as fucking shitty as any human, but with pure hearted instincts of the wolf, which to me, makes them better than humans, as far as I know
Also, I saw in a realm, the present day human race, is little more than some god, working out their karma, and trying to learn a lesson, or lessons- and we are here to "serve" them- it's absolutely fucked (necessary?)
My trajectory seems to be shifting, to a more, "Maturing" of self, focusing on self, loving self, even taking on narciscisstic tendencies, which I no longer care what anyone thinks about- Paul is right, I need to love and focus on myself, regardless of what anyone thinks about it
With respect to Asrael/Anastasia/Annah/the wolf girl in Eden/Antarctica, I was detaching from her, but I felt, she would be, wounded if I moved from her, and I was then told- to shift my focus from her, to her father- and how he loves her: And to take-on that energy for her- and then offer it to her.
She responded well. As I said I do not wish to cause her pain. However, her and her tribe should prepare themselves for what I believe may be an inevitable spiritual backlash from me, as I stay true to myself- and face what they did to me.
Ladywolf, when inspecting her being- is scared of what I will do to her, scared of me, scared to trust me, scared that I will see what she has done, and punish her for it, or make her my slave in some other fashion (As she feels a bit like a sex slave to my other clone body, which I admit, she kind of is)
I wish to be proper in phase with the trajectory I see, other beings have aligned against me because of this.
I also saw last night, that one of my chief adversaries- is either- MYSELF, that was abandoned- OR, another JUST LIKE ME, who fell to the oppression system, and became wounded, and saw me- and decided to take me down or out as well-
I MAY HAVE BEEN HIS REPLACEMENT
Turns out, the "devil" I assumed was my enemy, was supposed to be my ally- and may yet, ("I will use what the devil intended for evil, to turn out for your good" "I will restore the years the locust has eaten from you three fold" or something)
In this case the devil appears to be someone working for the greater me
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Post by tundrawolf on May 22, 2024 3:34:02 GMT 9.5
Wanna hear something interesting.
I was denied my humanity even as an infant. I had a memory come back to me, of my mother abusing me when I was crying, because I was an "inconvenience" to her
The soft-hearted male puppy, came to my tablet as I was typing, and moved the screen with hsi nose: he received a smack because of it, I was not fast enough to scold him, and he erased some of what I had typed, with his nose
I got it back by ctrl-Z
However, he cried out (I am noticing they will cry out, not out of pain, but out of annoyance, offense, or frustration, when they are in real pain, their cry is impossible to ignore. Canines know this and manipulate humans with their cries, in some cases)
He ran under the bed, as to him, he was suddenly scolded, he did not know what he did, so I voiced it, so his DNA would receive the lesson: DO not touch touch screens
However, my heart, which is connected to his, began to hurt, so, as the other 5 pups are on the bed with me, and the mom, he was under, so I called him to me, and he came up on the bed
And, I wrapped my arms around him, and connected with him deeply, so deeply, his rear left foot spasmed as if his mind was working out his opinions of me, and his SOP for dealing with humans
I kissed him and reassurred him, as he had chosen to covertly, curl up next to me, against my skin, but not in my view
Soon, he relaxed, and the mom dog was next to us, so while I was spiritually softened and speaking wiht the puppy dog, the mother, began to act well, so I peered into her heart, and spirit-
And I saw, when I accidentally dragged them, behind the large UTV I repaired, part of her thoughts were, "Why are you doing this, dad? I love you! I am sorry for whatever I did to make you this angry!"
But it was a mistake
And when I found her, under my mobile home, with a torn up face and parts of her body, I fell to my knees, and wept, it is hard ot even type it, and she came to me, tail wagging, though she was bloody, and she emitted a sound, like, "Dad it was terrible!" And I said I know! Come here! I am so sorry! And she got on her back, and I pet her, and she instantly knew, I did not harm her on purpose, and she has never once feared me
However, it was shown to me, that she was, very young when it happened, and she herself is having to re-parent herself, away from the extreme trauma of the incident-
WHICH translates to, what I am going through today, I am asking myself, why are these things, happening to me, are these not, basic lessons? I have progressed far past these things!
However, I was shown, i am having to re-parent myself, including infantile lessons!
Interesting
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Post by tundrawolf on May 22, 2024 4:17:55 GMT 9.5
It is possible, I am being forced to remain on this ranch, because my mother, had almost my entire life, to distort and wound me, so, as she ages, now it is time, for that to be undone, in time, as she ages. And it is possible that will take time to be properly undone, as I live, "with" her.
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Post by tundrawolf on May 22, 2024 12:19:00 GMT 9.5
this is part of the process of being right for her
interesting
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Post by tundrawolf on May 23, 2024 4:16:08 GMT 9.5
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Post by tundrawolf on May 23, 2024 21:45:25 GMT 9.5
So, yesterday, I drank wine and beer
My mother attempts to call me, but because I am no longer her good little slave any more, I do not pick up (She has no business calling me. She knows I hate calls and calling)
So she texts me: "I need help with an urgent matter."
Oh
Fucking really? You manipulative cunt.
I get angry.
Real angry. The reason?
Because it is the typical, "I am going to suck you into my vile world of fear and codependency, so I can begin the vampiric draining of your soul energy" whoring
The correct thing to do, if she had a shred of decency: Would be to SPELL OUT WHAT IS GOING ON rather than using her manipulative cunt-speak to try and coerce me into (doing whatever thing)
She eventually begins to text me, TIME TO MOVE TIME TO MOVE TIME TO MOVE, over and over
The vile, wicked "little girl" rape victim that lives in her, comes out, striking at the thing that matters most to vulnerable humans:
A place to live
So, I do not hold back, and I send her endless texts calling her a whore and a cunt
(Except whores have more dignity...)
I even take a screen shot of the owners of the lands address and say, "They would VERY much like to know what manner of sick, whore child abuser is living on their land! You piece of shit..."
Soon her boyfriend begins to text me, and I think I called him a faggot
He said, "Your mother is very hurt."
I said GOOD! Manipulative, vile CUNT
Disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being
The world is a worse place because my mother is in it
I even caught her abusing a little boy- and I stepped in, told her to STOP
Weak, vile cunt
The source of my trauma, pain, and suffering, is mostly from my mother
This is why I want to LEAVE
God said to me this morning, "Give me a chance to make it right with you/make it up to you" because HE TRUSTED MY MOTHER WITH ME
And she let EVERYONE down- however, God also knew what would happen- I do not understand it fully
I also saw this morning, how Ladywolf, has to endure this turmoil, as we share a heart- which is why her people seemed so adverse- she did not want to suffer- if I put myself in her position, I would not want to be tied to a miserable self hating person either
Poor girl.
I also lashed out at my other friend, and he said, "Good by"
He has blocked me before, I believe for similar reasons
I am trying, to supplant, and place positivity in me,
Trying to self love
Trying to place hope where there is none
If I do get kicked out it will be one of the best things to happen to me
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Post by tundrawolf on May 24, 2024 2:47:51 GMT 9.5
I think I scared my mother.
She has been pulling her genetic spirit away from me
It is so freeing.
I know, she is using me as her crutch in this life, as her and her husband sucked my life force dry
I can see how her sexual shackles on me, are being freed
I just had one of the best orgasms I have ever had. It is because I am being freed from my mother, and her sexual vampirism
Paul, why would I want her in my next life?? It makes no sense
I am being freed. It is not all "good"
Some of it is lonely, unknown, frightening, as I am "alone" (No ancestral help, if I forge my own way)
Alright
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Post by tundrawolf on May 26, 2024 13:30:26 GMT 9.5
Too much has been going on for me to remember, or articulate, it would take many pages.
I have been, disconnecting from this humans bloodlines, and his ancestors.
I also coined a new term- INCESTORS
If your ancestors were incestuous, I now call them, incestors.
Such as, my ex fiancee, was related to the hapsburgs, who were known for "Keeping the bloodline pure" by inbreeding, which created a number of health and disfigurment issues with them.
I continued to disconnect from my mother, mainly, as she is the main perpetrator of my spiritual/emotional/etheric trauma
However, the canines showed me, this "trauma", also kept me, "trapped as a child"
There is a verse int he Bible that says, only those who are child-like will "enter the kingdom of heaven"
And, the canines showed me, this helped me to approach, and connect with them, as an "inner child", the trauma.
It was strangely beautiful
However, it is now time to progress
The maturity downloads I have been getting, are immense, and many
As I detached from my mother, I began to see, a "new man" who was forming, a detachment and discarding of the genetic limitations and pathways of this bloodline
And the forming of something new
I saw today, the best service I can give to my wolf girls, is to love myself fully
Perhaps that are watching, feeling, and hoping- that I accomplish this for myself- and maybe, they, too, can then piggyback on my emotions/guidance, and learn to do the same for themselves
Again, I keepo seeing, the tighter I hold onto them, the closer I am to losing them
So today I resolved, to begin to automatically disconnect from them- for them and also for me
I am learning to love myself, to connect with myself, no longer impeded by societal shaming of narciscissism accusations
I don't care! Fuck you
With the recent advent of my mother, saying, TIME TO MOVE, which in the spirit, her "little girl" told me she was just kidding- however, I am not
I got to go-ahead to resume work and finish the van as quickly as possible. I may be out of divine schedule- and may be, however, perhaps things are changing and "god" or on high is having to redicrect intention
So tomorrow, I will begin acid etching the frame in preparation for paint and primer- I was going to do it today, however, an inner voice ask med:
"Give me one more day" before I begin- so I am.
There is, of course- a bravery, and developing of courage and trust in this- waiting
As I step away from the dynamics of the wolves and the canines, and the gift that I gave to them, even though part of me is repulsed by some of the aspects of it, the more detached I get from it, the more beautiful it feels to me
Such as, it was a great sacrifice to give this to them, they needed someone very special, to endure this, on their behalf, aso that, they will be granted immortality
The wolf girls, have statues of them in some realms.
I am also learning so god-damned much about the female, humand, wolf, human and wolf, human feline, etc. Wow, more critical updates that are automativcally instilled in healthy individuals
I saw, also, some of the healthies, happiest, most well adjusted humans- are the dirt-poor, living in tribes, and yet are the happiest-
Even today I heard someone say the rich people would come into their realm looking for things- and you could feel their misery, in spite of their riches
Interesting.
I am unsure how to word, it, but this is the second time my mother has threatened to make me homeless, so I am planning on telling her, "AFter I leave you will never see, nor hear from me again."
Instead, a better thing to say is, "I politely ask you, never to visit me, nor communicate with me again. Ever."
In spite of this I AM growing in compassion for her wretched self, if not for her vileness, these things could not have been accomplished, from what I see
However, she is too stupid and dangerous. The risk of spiritual injury from her maternal pathways does not override ANY benefit to knowing her, and ESPECIALLY communicating with her.
She can go pound sand =)
I do not have the go-ahead to sell everything I own, yet, however, I am told, that comes immediately after I finish the van and make it habitable, and driveable at least.
In truth, if she evicted me and made me homeless, if I lived on the streets and in nature, it would be the best thing to happen to me.
It would!
I would never work another day in my life. The money I did have, from begging, would go to hard alcohol
I would not live that long
But, I would be free
I am also discovering joy in my humanness!
Joy of being a human
Interesting. I see multiple possible lives before me
My hope, is to be right for the wolfesses, and them to be right for me
And us to be together.
Their journey perhaps has not yet begun
Perhaps I will help them through theirs
My heart sings for them =)
Well, the new me I saw, he is a steady man, has no history that is notable, no trauma, steady but tough
We shall see what comes of it
God is either redirecting his plans, or something new, or, my hope- is that this was seen in the timeline, and, this was the answer I have been waiting for.
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Post by tundrawolf on May 26, 2024 23:53:53 GMT 9.5
I push into the wolf
Who once pulled into me
"Though he slay me..."
Because I love you
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Post by tundrawolf on May 27, 2024 0:17:03 GMT 9.5
I also see it
When my mother told me, she "loved" me...
Translated into practical speak, she was only saying, "I am feeling a feeling of love, and it is directed towards you..."
No connection
Nothing proper.
Just a feeling.
A feeling that was violently revoked and replaced with malice, just days later
Whatever "Right relationship" is
That wasn't it.
And, so, I set out on my own
Endeavor to fill the book
The new book
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Post by tundrawolf on May 27, 2024 13:57:21 GMT 9.5
Normally, when I am having verbal heart-conversations with the wolf women, I am facing South
I faced North, as that is how I ended up, and while talking to Ladywolf, I noticed this spider web.
I did not alter this spider web intentionally at all.
However, the resemblance to a human skull, is literally uncanny and almost perfect. Keep in mind the right hand side of the web is much closer to the camera, so imagine the right hand side of the skull facing further away. The chin, is also pointing to exactly where I lay my head on my mattress when I sleep. If I feel lead to, I will tear it down, however, it may also not be a bad omen, perhaps signifying the death of the old self. However the older religious version of myself would tear it down and anoint the trailer and live immersed in a spirit of fear for a while!
And now, the ugly:
I have, a heart and emotional connection to pink (white) skin. Is it, the white race, for the white race? What is the origin of this??! Why am I drawn to Annah's nudes like a magnet, when I am overall attracted to Ladywolf's body all over, in general? What is it about Annah's pink skin???
God, how I hate to have to admit it, as I wish to be attracted equally to both for all reasons! And, one cannot hide a thing, as we all share a heart in a way!
I was once a neo-nazi, or at least ran with them in my hatred of non whites, especially as I was bullied by black people in school. I was also raised to have hatred of minorities
I got over it. I am no longer that way. However with the resurgence of minority violence and riots etc in my country, an open declaration of war against whites, which I take seriously, I have begun to lean in that direction, however, with the added wisdom that, I cannot blindly dismiss an entire race, just that I am more wary and judgmental of them than blindly ignorant and accepting just based on skin color (Which is a form of racism!)
Ladywolf brought up some points tonight.
She has black skin.
I think, the Wolven, also have black skin.
Black skinned people in my country though being 14 percent of the population are responsible for over fifty percent of the crime! That is disproportional, and the actual number may even be higher.
The Wolven, as disproportionally responsible for the majority of wolf-person-realted-violence as well.
The Wolfen, have pink (white) skin, and I am instinctively attracted and passionately drawn to it. Ladywolf told me, it kind of hurts, as her skin is black.
Another hard fact: Ladywolf betrayed her creator, and it is a very entitled type of betrayal.
I would be lying if I said there wasn't some trepidation there!
"What if" I piss her off and she decides to nibble on me!
I was shown, the reptilians, are able to give me a new clone, but transferring the consciousness anchor, from the tortured, twisted, old creator guy, to me, could involve even more trauma- something I want to avoid
I told Ladywolf to be positive.
We ended our conversation positively.
More ugly facts:
Annah- the pink-skinned wolfess in Antarctica- is so caught-up in her tribes politics, she is in a way, ashamed of my attraction to her.
She does not wish to step into my view, for fear of being shamed by her own people.
However, at the same time, she also might not recover, emotionally, and may self-harm in a permanent way, if I do not go to be with her!
Am I a wolf-racist? Ladywolf is still a wolf. She is also still a human. At the end of our conversation, she softened to me and responded well- I am reminded of myself, to stay positive, Ladywolf is a ton of fun and so is her realm
It is, one of those, damned if you do, damned if you don not, secanarios!
That MAY be why, she floated to me, the idea, of living with her in an apartment in the human city.
I am willing, of course I am willing!
But with a wolfess that is, in part, ashamed of me?
FFF.
However, while she would be devastated if I did not choose to be with her, I would be similarly devastated if she harmed herself.
Ladywolf, is also in hope that I come to live with her.
It is also possible, the world surrounding Ladywolf is an illusion, and she is in one of the dark realms, below our feet.
This possibility became manifest to me a few days ago.
All I can be sure is: Ladywolf is real and alive, I share a heart with her, she completes me, and I am in love with her, She is sexy, She was once upset with me, And I would love to be her mate- so long as we are both healthy for one another.
I DID see a version of her, that is repentent, who is soft, gentle, and I feel no malice from her- is this her, from the future? Or another timeline?
I know, that if I am run by fear, I will lose what I want, and if I am brave, I will be rewarded, and I can even feel, as I push towards Ladywolf- she does indeed honor me, and I am safe with her, in spite of the other circumstances
Her poor creator, though, that guy, has been through so much, and is no longer himself, if he exists cohseively at all, and my connection with his body, is what the pain in my body is manifested from
Also, it is of interest to me, how the Wolven, can manifest as dark skinned humans, and work out some of their violence up here in our human bodies, and similar to the Wolfen, can manifest as lighter skinned humans
That said I have no prejudices for the Wolven, as I love them very much, just an awareness, of their genetic motivation to feed and consume other beings all throughout the multiverse, they are why we have "Werewolf horror" movies
Not the Wolfen.
They would give you the shirt off their back, if they wore shirts, which they do not, unless they are living with humans
I would NOT mind living with Ladywolf, even if they are in the inner earth, even if they are in a rehabilitation realm where human clones are being disciplined. I don't give a shit. It would be, darkly romantic, being with her, there. I don't care! In fact it even feels like "home" in a way. Like I have known of that realm for a long time.
Sadly, due to the treachery and cruelty of the Wolfen peoples, and the fact that they would shame me for wanting to smell Annahs feet, when THEY DO THE EXACT SAME THING IN THEIR TENTS, including teaching their young ones about sex, which they accuse me of, when the idea of it makes me sick to my stomach, they are hypocrites. It would be hard to go live with them, if they are going to be back-biters and hypocritical people. And, if the woman I love there, has partially turned her back to me, and would rather be a part of that tribe than bear the shame of a human who is I admit, obsessed with her, but is trying to do better.
Due to time dilation, there is a feeling in my spine that both women may be accomodated, and perhaps- my presence with the Wolfen in Eden will be a form of adjustment for them, in order for their next stage of evolution, which is, an exodus of their younger generations, away from the tribe- ironically- for this EXACT reason, they are a toxic group, and the younger generations, are a moral and just group who refuses to tow the party line, as it were.
I am unsure of what Annah will choose, as right this moment,s she is torn, though I feel she is on a precipice, of falling fully in love with me and desiring me with all of her being. This seems to be one of those "king decisions" where the price is terrible on either side. I am also hopeful, that the teleportation species, can also place me with Ladywolf, and back and forth, so that no tragedies occur, and my heart does not have to be wrenched in two directions, although the connection to both women will be even stronger.
I am unsure if I mentioned Blackwolf, who is a Lavawolf, lives where the Earth has magma, and it does not affect her. She can come visit my realm, but I cannot go to hers, unless I have a similar, carbon type body that she has. However, I am affectionate for her
Alright, this is the hard stuff. I am being positive for a simple solution to all of this, that satisfies both women, and perhaps Blackwolf, can visit me when the time is right, I would love to have her, and to show her my world on the surface. It is also interesting to me, how different things are in the laval realm, their idea of love and bonding is different, but roughly in the same spirit, and how things are more "fluid" there, it is hard to wrap my mind around, but interesting nonetheless
I may also be going on a podcast to talk about my experiences with the wolf girls, the visions, the soul transfer machines, the reptilians, and all of these things I have learned
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Post by tundrawolf on May 28, 2024 2:52:19 GMT 9.5
Here's what happened.
Last night i went ot bed, but the suffocating stench of the squalor I live in, as I began to realize over the last few days and weeks my dear mother has been sucking my life force dry, no energy to even take care of myself, I have been "trying" to for over forty years to no avail
The suffocation began to channel my connection to the former me in another life, the creator of Ladywolf, who is twisted up, in agony, and cannot breathe. The suffocation is the worst part, as you do not pas out, you do not die, you just suffer and cannot breathe, your body is immortal, essentially, it is horrific beyond description, fully conscious, inability to breathe, it was what happened and was initiated at the wolf sanctuary
The horror of it last night as I tried to go to bed, was so real, I nearly turned all the lights on, and did not go to sleep
The stench, continually suffocated me, however, I forced myself to endure it, and eventually I went to sleep
My watch said i slept OK< not great, but not poor
I woke up, puppies out of food, ok I will go get more, nope- it's memorial day- soldiers died so everything is closed, punishing you for their sacrifice, puppies get to go hungry- so my remembrance is now tainted with anger- funny way we do things eh??
I eat a little something as my own food supply is almost gone as well, money dwindling, is my ad cursed? Or are the boomers becoming even more selfish and hoarding their wealth at the expense of literally everyone else, including now, their own children. Man, this world is fucked. I began to realize yesterday, in this realm, how many parents are secure, with abundance, and have-children with love and hope in their hearts, and full awareness of self and future generations, to raise happy, healthy children? The answer is, virtually none.
Instead, you have stupid, ignorant humans breeding like rodents, covering this world like a plague, while the nine kingdoms tries to keep humans learning lessons- this realm is not going to last much longer. As I said, if beings like my mother, can thrive here, especially after eating her own children, this place should collapse into nothing.
So, I go to sleep, I take a nap, nothing much to do, I have authorization to work on the van, but it is permissive will of "god", not ideal will. I have encountered this before. If things go to such shit that they cannot be salvage, the order to "Pull out" is made.
I have horrible possibilities begin to bubble up about my mother, after she told me, TIME TO MOVE TIME TO MOVE TIME TO MOVE over and over, typical, infantile boomer wretch.
Man, my purpose here is to act as CAPTAIN SAVE-A-CUNT, to HEROICALLY PULL MY VILE WRETCH OF A CHILD EATING MOTHER out of HER OWN PIT- HER HEROOOOOO
While she feeds on my life force, threw me, "to the wolves" so to speak, tossed me under the bus, and works willingly, perfectly, with the OS< whatever good was in her is so isolated and small
She is not worth saving
And even if she is, she has hurt me so badly, so deeply, for so long, even if I could save her
I would not.
I want nothing more than to progress, in my next life is not to live as, Ladywolfs torn up suffocating creator, then to be myself- my own man- alone.
I took the nap, I woke up, and my heart had things to tell me,
Neither of the wolves, loves you. They, like my mother, are not capable of it. They like me- and they know, if I am gone, neither will likely last that long, however- as much as I have loved them- they have not loved me back. (Can't)
So, my mission here, being manifold, is cancelled.
During the event at the wolf sanctuary, when I gave my soul, (My divine future, my divine hope, everything of and about me...) to the "Devil, or as Paul says, the OS, MY OWN MOTHER was at the other end of that, this being I was so close to that this is my second attempt to be captain save-a-ho, and is using me, to keep her selfish ass alive in the OS- AT MY EXPENSE.
I am beginning to see this
If I am able to do anything, it will be to cut off her life supply, cut her tethers- and abandon her within the OS with as little hope as possible for what she has done
In fact, the rest of my life here will be spent guaranteeing that severance
The heart light exercise does not work
It never did
At least not for me
The only thing that works, is to look withing, and find answers there, and the answers seem to be bleak
My current living conditions are bad, and I do not have the energy to fix it
I would almost rather die than go on "medication" as all it is is a lie in a pill bottle
I'd rather face it, as the horror of the suffocation became very real yet again, last night
If, the "real" me, sees me as some, military, or "useful" fucking object, it can go fuck itself- I hope the OS invades it and kills it
I am a living thing
It can get fucked
I feel bad for the wolfesses, as they are screwed up, in almost every way, and now they are caught up in this, and I am just a wall separating them, just out of reach, and them to me- all because of my mother
My mother neither deserves the spark of life nor does she deserve to be rescued, whatever connection we once shared- which I can feel- is going to be severed, if it is the last thing I ever do, at my own expense
The wretched child-eater
Fuck my mission, fuck this place, and fuck everything that lead up to this
My heart still loves the wolf girls, but nothing more can be done as far as I know
If the heart light exercise is my hope- I have none
if I am going into immortal horror-suffocation, then just let it be so
My mother did this
If the greater me, only wishes to save me because I am useful- not because I am a living thing and should be loved- I will destroy it, just let me die, let this whole thing be severed and cut-off, I will no longer be participating in any more military missions or "higher" matters, go fuck yourself. Give me my life, and let me live it somewhere where I can die in peace or abandon me to the horror I have gotten into here.
I refuse to be a pawn any more.
This is another reason why I have had trouble hating the devil, the "light" is just as cruel and evil as the dark, if not more, because it wants you to believe it is good.
I am going to, attempt to finish the van, and leave. After that I will begin winding down my life.
If I am kicked out, as I said- that will be the end. My final message will likely be very drunk and jumbled, if you hear from me at all. I do not want anyone else. If the wolf girls cannot be healed, then I do not want to be healed either. Conversely, if my mother ends up anywhere but trapped in the OS forever or torn apart until it no longer exists- then I don't want or need any help for myself, either. She needs to pay for what she has done.
I am done.
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Post by tundrawolf on May 28, 2024 4:12:30 GMT 9.5
Another view of the spider web
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