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[tundrawolf]

So I awoke today, with thoughts of my mother, and the dynamic, and a thought occurred to me.

Paul sees that, me and my mother were, "Close" (Likely lovers, etc.) in a previous life/ or in a more eternal dynamic.

It is this dynamic that was exploited by her, and dark entities, in order to destroy me in this life.

Well, i wondered, why she was horrified to see that I no longer carried.

I expressed my anger at her, and willingness to terminate her in my life if she is ever in a position to be my mate, and no doubt she feels and knows that, via her own, "Sponsors"

So, when she said, "I think I found my forever partner" she meant it- meaning she will leave me- and my response- an emotionless, "That's good." told her all she needed to know: I am done.

There is likely, a feminine part of her, that is mortified that she no longer has a hold over me, herself, which is the carrot attached to the horse that has victimized me my entire life in this incarnation

She knows she lost it. Further, her karma is now coming home to roost. "She used to torture me with holding my fathers physical abuse and cruelty over me, if I did anything wrong as a child, "When you get home we are lowering the boom onto you!"

She loved this phrase

Because it would send me into an emotional tailspin as my father was terribly cruel and abusive- and she knew it- and enjoyed it (She was married to him. After all.)

Unto breaking my bones

Well, now her karma is coming home to roost, the boom is now being lowered onto her.

There is validation here. Of my childhood, of my pain, of my suffering, as it is transferred from me, to the righteous recipient: Her

Being of older age, she is now vulnerable, her pedophilia, her abuse of children that I witness first hand- is all coming home to roost. She once, "Helped" abused children with her horses, but I witnessed her abusing them, too. (Verbally/spiritually) becoming addicted to victimizing innocence. I could not endure and scolded her openly for it, however when I am not there, her anger has made more than a few people tell her ex boyfriend she does not know how to, "Interact" with people

One thing: When I leave from here it will be forever.

I would be lying if I did not say the validation was edifying on a deep, cosmic level. But to say that I care- I do not. It is part of letting go- and moving on

My ex told me, my feeling numbness towards my parents was a form of true healing and maturity- it is better than rage, and anger.

Plans are beginning to unfold- not quite yet, I am sure I will "meet" her new boyfriend. I see a timeline, where I partner with this guy, who supposedly has a lot of money (Money is my mothers god.) and "Do the overland thing"- but I think I may instead just choose to live in my vehicle in California

Rather than being a vampiric victim to old, weak boomers, and their slavish stupidity

The previous man I worked for, who wanted to partner with me- is a boomer, and used to try to contact me as a vampire does- on my time-off, to suck me into his world, as, in a way, he believes, if he is giving me money- then this entitles him to my soul, my being, my time- hell, even my body- which is the sense I got from the female humans who orbited around him- who were doing things for him that were not appropriate, and his gross sexual talk during the interview

The good news, as I turned metal in my lathe last night for fun, to get my mind off of everything, I began to see, after that, some light of hope of these torments, ending in my lifetime.

So, it is good. I am seeing paths, doors, things unfold.

[tundrawolf]

Is it likely, my mother wished for me to be jealous.

She saw, I was neither jealous nor cared. Whatever dynamic she used to rely on to victimize me, I am healing from.

I looked down her timeline, and she she does, indeed, get what is due her.

I don't care. I am going on with my life.

Further, the idea that I may inherit this ranch, is hindered by the fact that she has neither reached or nor made any attempt to help me, take care of this place in the event of her absence. (More childish viciousness and cruelty.)

I am seeing, more and more, liquidating my possessions, and leaving here- also due to economic factors.

There is simply work in California, and what work there is, is drying up here

I am healing.

[tundrawolf]

I realized something too, if I am to, accept possibilities outside of the processes of my internal realm, such as what one might deem, "divine intervention" I must also accept the possibility my mothers new "boyfriend" was actually sent for me, to make me wealthy via the overland thing, so that I would never have another money woe again.

I am sitting here, in bed, naked, waiting for a client to pay me for work I have done, waiting for the money to buy food for my dogs, who ran out of kibble this morning.

I am going through, intense mental, emotional, and spiritual changes

As I was driving the repaired UTV machine, I began thinking of Ladywolf, and was given another vision of hope (away from this, present life.) for her, for us.

I woke up, after a strange dream involving bureaucracy, and after some re-orienting of my thoughts, a settlement occurred to me: If the old me is passing away, his love for Ladywolf/Asrael, well- I can keep it alive by honoring him, and his love for her, as I myself, hold the deep love and passion he shared for her, and the former Wolfen kings love, also- for his children, his people.

Still, vexing, and I am beginning to see why, is the idea to remain on this ranch, I am seeing: this dynamic is one that is happening, had the event at the wolf sanctuary not happened. So, I am dealing with the trauma of the event, and trying to survive that, and, at the same time, trying to live my life outside of it.

They are two separate life paths entirely, not withstanding, the circumstances surrounding the ego death, a new birth, interference from outside forces, and the dynamics surrounding the vent at the wolf sanctuary.

It is no wonder why I drink.