Second interaction w/ mother

[tundrawolf]

So, my daily driver van has a terrible camber issue, where it wears the inner edges of both front tires so bad I can put a new tire on it and only get maybe 2K miles out of it before it wears through the edge and throws the tread and blows out. I thought, i needed to replace the A arms or bushings (fuk that, I'm not gonna dik with the bushings and hydraulic press when I can get the a arms cheap enough)

But I have had the money several times, but never felt like replacing the arms, as they are large, and would require significant effort, including using dangerous spirng compressor tools et, I did not have the energy

So I just kept buying used tires from the junkyard and putting them on.

At one point I was driving around with 4 spare tires, because blowouts were imminent

So, I was looking at the construction of the frond end of similar vans at the junkyard, while buying a tire for the front, before it blew out just a few hundred feet from the ranch,

And I realized- I may be able to adjust the camber, by loosening two easy to access bolts on the upper a arm, and I needed to go out today to get some parts to complete a job for a client, (I tried searching for data or how-tos on how to adjust camber for my specific van- and nothing.) So I decided to loosen the bolts after taking the wheel off and see if there was adjustment- yes there indeed was.

So, excited, I may be able to solve the issue without fucking with deadly springs and bushings and bullshit, I attempted to adjust it- except I heard my mothers diesel start up, and noises clanging in the dumpster by the shop, and fuck, my van out in open, plain as day, advertising my presence there.

Briefly, I battled with the fear of her authority and corrupted/demonically hijacked maternal connection to me, and I eventually just refused to give in to fear, I gathered the tools and she nearly ran into me as I was emerging from the shop, after I heard her pull up to the shop, and kill the engine

The contact was numb, as I had a goal, and I was no longer defaulting to a vulnerable state with my "mother", but interacting with a hostile person I would NEVER TOLERATE BEING ANYWHERE NEAR ME IN LIFE NOW, but had to, given my circumstances,

She told me she wanted to meet her new boyfriend- and I had been mulling it over, she asked "God" (Her god is what Christians would call the devil. I worshiped it for 40 years) for a "True Christian man" and God gave her that, but he is short, and not attractive, though he is one of the most moral men I have met in my lifetime, he is not sexy, so she rejected him

Well, I am working on my van and trying to be minimally cordial with the woman, and she asked me if I had ever heard of, "Barret jackson auctions" yes, who hasn't, they sell expensive restored or old vehicles. She said he has restored cars for them and made a lot of money, and even took her to California to meet his parents, (I don't give a fuck. I am facing homelessness and possibly suicide. And, mostly- if not almost entirely- because of her.)

She said she wanted him to meet me- so she is willing to treat me like a human being, because she needs something from me (Approval) temporarily- but I am nearly checked out of this place

So, I adjust both side of the van, the other side I did not even take the wheel off as I may have over-adjusted the other side, but at least there is a fucking adjustment! I thought about painting the tire tread to check for where it is wearing, but could not find any spray paint

So, I went and obtained the parts for the project I am working on, and during this journey, I began to consider some things,

In fact, an entire alternative timeline opened up, of my mother, who stole my energy from me as a child, and used it to procure horses with millions of dollars, as I suffered and withered, and this new guy, who apparently has a lot of money (Also religious, imagine that. That is another thing- what does he want with my mother? To me, it indicates an extreme lack of morality on his part- such a man I would not want to make space with)

I told my mother, I would, "Be in the shop working" if he wanted to meet me,

I saw, too, the childhood, and especially the incident at the wolf sanctuary, was designed to throw me off my natural, healthy track so far, that it is virtually impossible to get back, I saw it, through the horror, and suffering- how dark forces, took the things that repulse, disgust, and try me the most, and made those things barrier to any sort of decent future for myself, essentially- I would have to be fine, sucking disgusting old dicks, and being sodomized, all over again, if I wanted any hope- this was the path my mother was proposing to me, to be spiritually sodomized by her and her boyfriend, in order, to have a future with, "money". The alternative is eventual living in the bushes and a pretty quick suicide after that, which I am gearing up for anyway

I went and focused on an interaction where my mothers future was secured, and she was asking me what she could do to make things wright between us, and I told her- "Only money."

As I began to explore this timeline, I saw that, I was being prepared for it, and this was why I could not leave this ranch or sell my things, etc

And how I was being made strong to endure it, however

I did not have the energy to be spiritually sodomized, and to bare my neck for spiritual vampires who want to suck the last drops of it from my body, so I just went back to my home and laid down. (I had the twinkling of energy for it. I just did not want to do it.)

I saw, how, even if I got the overland vehicle together, eventually it does break down, a year from now, thirty years from now, eventually- leaving me utterly destitute with nothing, and no way to repair it, and that is when I would hit the bushes, lose the dogs, and eventually turn to alcohol, after that- it is over. It is unsustainable

I saw how, Paul is right about forgiving my mother, but

If someone, raped you brutally, forced you to, drink their vile bodily fluids as a helpless child, and then punished you so horrifically you literally had no choice but to forget about it- forgiving them for it, and now making space with them again, because you forgave them and it is the only route of hope for any future you may have-

Well, perhaps I simply choose the path of eventual suicide, and choose myself, instead, rather than compromising with demons and vampires that hate me, while they succeed and drink ambrosia, and their victims, slowly withers in the forest

It just makes me sick.

There truly, is no justice in this realm, this is truly, the realm of punishment and horror for the innocent. And a fantastic realm for with wicked, and guilty, who get lavish and wealthy lives, while the rest of humanity suffers.

I thought, what would I do with the money, buy a home in remote Alaska and disappear- no communication with the outside world, maybe a HAM radio.

The sickest thing of all, I am seeing a new timeline open up, where my mother, is happy with this new guy, and where there is a path open to me, where if I submit myself to their spiritual and emotional sodomy, where I get to benefit as a renewed, and refreshed victim of them, and their religion, if I will only allow them to drink of the last bits of whatever energy is developing within me

I think, from what I saw today, about my "healthy trajectory" and the wounding and trauma from my past, being so severe it would be easy to succumb to it, and on a precipice of self destruction now, that I has essentially resigned to, and how wow, miracle of all miracles, my vicious, cruel mother has attracted a wealthy man, and wants my approval, wow, miracle of all miracles, how this brand new timeline is becoming available to me

Weirdly, I do not have the same visceral resentment and hatred, and self destructive motivation, is not there. There may be a divine force that cares about me that is doing this, and it is trying to help my overcome the past, however, this may be a case where, the darkness has indeed won.

I am still, definitively, entertaining moving to California, and living with my best friend, while working when I can, and saving up money, for possible break downs, and etc. While it is not sustainable, it is all I have.

I do not have the energy, at this point, to be positive, or of good cheer. I am simply still wounded, damaged, and tired.

I am unsure of what I will do, only, that I will likely have to work on the project tomorrow, where my mother and this man, will likely be on the ranch and I will be forced to meet him anyway.

It is all so very tiresome

[tundrawolf]

I forgot the part where,

As my mother was departing, she said she was going to the supermarket to get food and asked me if I needed anything- as a matter of fact I was going to get food- but I told her, "no." (She also cancelled my costco card, which I could not afford to renew anyway. Funny, now she cares if I have food?) When she heard me say no, she said, "Wow, really?" (Essentially) like I was some kind of ingrate for refusing her offer. As if, she suddenly wants me in her life, as if nothing in the past ever happened- which is the way she works.

"I will treat you like a human being now that I need something from you. But the moment I can victimize you again like the ghoul I am, I will without hesitation, just to make that wound so much worse."

I realized from an external assessment I am pretty much done. not angry, but done.

The horse, or whatever, means nothing to me. She will live longer than the horse anyway, and I likely won't be financially able to are for it anyway, which is a condition of me inheriting it.

It makes me sick. The most vile human beings alive are blessed, and those who had their futures robbed from them, are pushed down even further. It is why I am increasingly okay with, seeing this entire planet burn.

It is weird that, sometimes I think I am born into one of the most interesting timelines, and I am becoming aware, that I may have been birthed into one of the worst timelines imaginable, not because of the lack of hope, but because the hope i find here, is rarely ever real.

[tundrawolf]

Oh. I also forgot to ad,

The journey I am on, leaves me open to everything, thanks in part, to Paul- including whatever thing with my mother now.

I realize, this is "good" to keep the avenue open, however, perhaps it is true i am just done.

Weirdly, the last hour or so has been interesting in me feeling many strange connections becoming connected again.

Strange thoughts, memories, coming back

[tundrawolf]

So this entire thing has brought up a great deal of thoughts, emotions, and memories

I contemplated, the possibility that I never meant anything to her, not in any depth, and the thought that returned to me was, "You had better begin accepting that fact."

It was difficult, perhaps, because a younger person in me, wanted to believe his mother cared- when in fact she never did

[tundrawolf]

This is super interesting to me.

I have slumbered on this, and awoken the next day.

I had a dream, I think it was about Islam (?)

I feel connected, positively, to the wolf woman I met In 21. I have been feeling connected to her

I am, beginning to discover the end to the oppression that peaked at the wolf sanctuary

I am, beginning to see cracks in my mothers wickedness

The final reaping of the former sowing. She is now, beginning to see her failings as a human being - sad

I am seeing clearance to begin migration, come-what-may. I can be a slave to genetics, or- I can strike out on my own, and forge my own path. It's not like I am unprepared, or without skill or ability. In a way, I am the luckiest man alive. The karma and energy that was robbed from me, is coming full-circle. I am being rewarded for persevering, perhaps, "42" is the age of which the tide begins to turn, you go from being a helpless victim, to a master of your own destiny, from sowing, to reaping- good- or bad, or a mixture thereof

So can I remain hateful against my mother?

I am starting to differentiate with the reptilians, which ones are adverse- and it seems even the crueler ones, have a positive side, with a few exceptions

I am seeing darkness in the human race, that is not noticed, or not addressed yet- and may be humanities undoing- perhaps the fores that are against the human race, are not as adverse ultimately, like Paul says about Mao

"It is too early to see"

Well, humans are on a precipice (I am seeing a greater picture)

I would do well to forget about it- and only concern myself, with myself

I am taking it day by day, and I am aware, this is a superior form of existing, at least for now

This song was recorded the year of my birth:

Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth are shiny
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heine
Here I am at a famous school
I dressin' sharp and I'm acting cool
I've got a cheerleader here
Wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work
And maybe later I'll rape her
Oh God, I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
And I'm a handsome son of a bitch
I'm gonna get a good job and be real rich
(Get a good, get a good, get a good, get a good job)
Women's liberation
Came creepin' all across the nation
I tell you, people, I was not ready
When I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then
Oh, she tried to make me say when
She had my balls in a vice but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on but now it shoots too quick
Oh God, I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
And I'm a miserable son of a bitch
Am I a boy or a lady, I don't know which
(I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder)
So I went out and bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doing radio promo
And none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me and a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
As long as I get a little golden shower
Oh God, I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt 'til it makes me scream
And I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights, sayin', "thank you, Fred"
Oh God, Oh God, I'm so fantastic
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin' down
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin' down
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm going down
Yeah, I knew you'd be surprised