No hope.

[tundrawolf]

I have begun to, accept the fact that I have run-out of energy for enduring this life.

Thanks to my childhood, and parents, I was pushed in extremely high-stress dynamics, until, I crashed, barely surviving drug use as a teen and twenties, only to fall victim to a vicious attack on my soul/spirit/spiritual energy at a wolf sanctuary where I lived, which put me into a hyper-survival and crisis mode for over two decades.

I began building an overland vehicle, the, "Vehicle of my dreams" (Essentially) however my gut, stopped me.

My gut, during a plumbing job, told me, "If you continue doing things you hate, I am going to kill this body." With the reality, that with the alcohol I required just to cope with daily life, my stomach was beginning to eat itself alive.

Alright, well, I had a little bit of money, before it was stolen from me by a thief, the son of my ex satan-spawn girlfriend, that I used to "rest" and take a break from life. That rest has continued, with struggles, for possibly over two years, now.

Having tasted ease, and comfort, and healing, I am now unable to return to doing things I hate, which seems to be a karmic torture of me, for past sins, that I cannot escape.

Well, I am circling the drain with money, barely able to afford food for my dogs, my business hasn't been solvent in years now, and I would rather take my own life than re-join this society as slave labor. (That's all it is on this planet. The reptilians set this up to keep us suffering, so they could feed off of our healing, that is due is- they intercept it and take it for themselves. Hence why they must be wholly and completely destroyed in order for humanity to survive and thrive. And, in fact, I may yet be forced to face that eventuality, which is why I am writing this. I simply have no more energy for this.)

Well, I began to get a "Second wind" to finish the vehicle a few days ago, I began to see, as I turned and faced the darkness that had take me "Willing hostage"

at the wolf sanctuary.

It has been turbulent, as I am trying, to figure out this life, while also waking up tot he fact that my torturers, are likely beings I wronged in a past life- leading me to many questions, about morality- who decides what is right, here? My torturers, are right? Or, is it a matter of force? (Like with reptilians. "Good or bad, I am the guy with the gun.")

Well, I forced myself to continue to rest, as Paul says, "Waiting for the tide to return."

However, I have a small "job" today that I need, may last a few hours, and as I sit here, on my bed, my gut in knots, loathing having to do this just to exist in this tortured realm, I consider my vehicle I am building (Which represents a future for myself.) and, once again, my hope is gutted, drained out.

It's not that I am desperate for it, actually... I would give up in a millisecond and leave this place in a moment, if I knew it would be okay (Partly why I am doing this, I know many suicidal people, are granted an access pass to take their lives, which is why they are so happy, before hand. They get to leave this prison planet! The "Lords of karma" admit they went too far, and now they get to leave this place.)

Well, I consider my overland vehicle, and, once again, I simply do not see the energy or hope for a "Rest of life" situation, where I allow my body to fall into disrepair, and die, "naturally."

At best, I see myself migrating back to California, and going through with my original intent, of ending my existence in some wooded area

Alcohol would be involved.

Firearm optional. Perhaps nitrogen asphyxiation, like they do in Sweden?

Well, that raises some issues, mainly, my dogs- the puppies can be re homed, the male dog is a husky, and huskies struggle with the deep spiritual bonds other breeds find innate, so he would have to be re homed, but the mother dog, is attached to me, this is the only major issue that I would not want to have to deal with, because I know she loves me, and she always is comforting me, I know she senses my deep inner pain, and wishes to help me, I see it even in her eyes.

Well, aside from that, I am realizing, I have to actually have a desire to live on this miserable, prison-punishment planet, and its system of slavery- and in no sane moment, could I entertain, willingly, participating, in, on, or around this wretched realm.

I just cannot do it.

There is no point.

In a way, this is the most miserable of existence and yes I know, there are seemingly far worse, but realms with no hope are far more merciful than this place, because, you are not allowed to delude yourself into believing you have hope.

I can just keep going, but the goal of terminating this cruelty, a year from now, seems to be a joyous dynamic. I see no other way out.

[peter]

I often thought about how there are currently people living under much worse conditions than me, or how in the past people had much worse life quality. I should feel grateful, yet I can't. What is overwhelming all other feelings, is how I feel I can't do anything significant, meaningful. I know how some things are bad, I know how some people are hurting, exploiting, controlling others. We can even know their names, their addresses etc. Yet we can't do anything.

Then you say there are aliens, e.g. reptilians, who are even worse, even more powerful. So the spectrum of forces I seemingly can't do jack shit against, just broadens.

I can't give a solution to the meaning of life, neither nihilism nor hedonism works. I tried. They are not helpful.

Have been living with chronic pain for decades, all kinds of illnesses, detriments - aside from the usual suspects one can feel tempted to feel sorry for oneself, such as injustice, betrayal, bad luck. Suicide is always an option, I agree, I've thought about it, even planned it. I will keep it at the back of my mind, as a plan Z, which gave me a sense of reassurance one time. But I know that for now - and for a longer stretch of time - I won't do it. Did I find my "inner strength"? Have I some great wisdom to share? Nope.

I just refuse to accept that I'm incapable of something, anything at all. Even if I'm 90% dogshit, I'm not 100%. Then later I will be a mere 85% pile of rubbish... Eventually I might actually become not worthless, who knows. I could be wrong.

I feel there is more to life, to this world, there is more to learn and understand. I wish to know more, to understand more and do more, if I can. It motivates me, even if not by much.

But the reason I'm not laying down my life is because I choose not to. And as soon as I decide, that it matters to me to not give up, it becomes a meaning.

I really feel deep down that we can do better before we give up. But having a fixed end point also helps to plan backwards - both as a worst case scenario reminder, and as a time table. One can do a lot in one year.

[stewartedwards]

Peter

The solution to the meaning of life is to “know yourself”. An infuriating phrase that once you get tickles you for how obvious it is. Listening to yourself, your actions and reactions could be a useful starting point. We are all happy to help. One you “know yourself” you can then truly ‘experience’, and you will smile. 😃

Don’t worry about stuff you can’t yet influence, or concepts you don’t yet get. Just know that you are beginning to explore life’s mysteries. It’s a fascinating journey.

I bet you have helped people without even knowing. Like the examples I gave you.

Don’t get screwed up by aliens, reptilians, divas, elementals etc, just focus on your own inner light. Paul has posted some good exercises on finding your heart light, if you can’t find them I am sure Paul will link them again. Once you find your heart light, you will also see the surrounding darkness, and you will take pride in yourself as you learn to give your little spark of inner light room to breathe, and the darkness recedes, in time you can then access bigger inner wonders (from a wow perspective), but your little flame of light is where it is at.

Just travel slowly.

[tundrawolf]

I've been going over it. The dog is the only hitch, here, and some final making peace, etc. no, "Medication" is just a continuation of suicide, the reason why one of the side effects of head meds is suicide, is because people are out of energy, and the meds trick you into thinking there's hope. My satan spawn ex, is on so many head meds her medicine cabinet is spilling over with them, she is out of energy, and has been out of energy, and is miserable, with kids that hate her, and a boyfriend she tried sucking dry like the vampire she is, thinking me an easy mark for her spiritual, devils.

I've been on meds as I said before, and all it was was a big lie. Much like, the height of drunken euphoria, and believing that is life, now. But, on meds.

You get off of them, and nothing has changed in fact, it is worse.

You were deceived, and lied to- which is worse than accepting what is, and reality. I think head meds are the most evil thing in existence. Interesting, there is a verse in the Bible that talks about judgment being poured out onto making over, "Pharmakeia" which is, "Witchcraft". I would say, head meds fall into this category. no better way than to keep the slave-cattle working and suffering for our masters, than to use head meds to suck us dry while we stay "happy" about it. Head meds are the primary tool of the reptilian empire, as far as I am conerned. They solve, and fix: nothing.

I don't think people understand- I do not want hope. This realm holds nothing for me. Even the idea of Angie coming to my doorstep and asking me to be hers, why- because she is wolf shaped? i am seeing my infatuation with anthro peoples, begin to unravel. This was, my final hope. I do not mind it. I am glad to face the truth.

Even if I had millions of dollars, what would I do? What, would heal the sucking soul wound? What, in, or on this world, is worth that pain? What makes it worth it?

I was thinking, what if I had a child- while shopping in costco, the sad truth is, if I did- it would make this all even more tragic. (I would likely take my own life, anyway, leaving a child to suffer with that reality. The truth is, when an adult takes their life, the children are statistically likely to follow suit. A job I had, was once shared with a famous black trumpet player, who committed suicide, and, then, I believe all four of his children eventually also, killed themselves. Irony is, I recall my father taking a "depression test" and a score of 100 was imminent suicide, he scored a ninety-something. I have no idea how he is still alive, other than, he now has a lot of money from selling his home.

Money=hope

What a wonderful world!

There are two factors, I feel, keeping me from going through with it, as I tie up the loose ends, and try and find some energy to get myself through the next year.

I also, want to officially start a 901 (c) 3 nonprofit religion, honoring the wolf girl I met in March of 2021. It will be a cult of sex, covert naughtiness, food, perhaps drugs, all the fun things that make this misery worthwhile for a time. And, a militaristic aspect, or something, I don't know. After I am gone it will be, what it is going to be.

The dog, who also understand I am going to do what I am going to do. I saw her, flirting with another dog at the dog park, which was new, and may indicate that she will be sad without me, but, that, she may also be able to move on, eventually. She has cuddled up into my arms several times today, which she normally does not do, but, canines are highly advanced much more advanced than humans, so, I think, she gets it. I just would regret it if she hurt because of this, which seems inevitable.

When I was to get her, there was another person that wanted her, and I felt, a twinge of confliction over that- now I know why.

The other issue, is, if my mother is alive passed a year, (most likely she has another 30-40 years, as the gods of this realm, love keeping the most vile humans alive as long as possible. There is no justice, here. That is part of the sorrow) she will be overjoyed, relieved to hear that I am dead. I do not want this. She will have "won". 

I recall a few weeks ago, I told her, "You hate me, so much." and her response: she turned her back on me. Well, I always knew this.

Goes, again, to, "Why would he murder his wife?! Why not just leave?!" Well, I can see why.

This is why.

Past life issues. I can also see, how later in life, tragedies can happen, well- what happened between the attacking group, and the victim group, in ancient times?

I will have only four words for them:

Remember the wolf girl.

I briefly, posted on the meme site, when someone posted a meme about their brother committing suicide, after being goaded into it by their boomer father.

Two, or three of the replies, truly touched me, and the rest had good points.

I guess, in some points, it is simply too late for some people. now, to find the energy to go just another year. If i even can. I am not even making it to this job I have. I would be violating myself to do so. And yet, I have to. Because, this is how this world operates. Why would I want to live here? I say me, not you. You have your own reasons. I need my own. Your answers do not serve me. They serve you.

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wolfmangk
1d
I was born in 1979. My parents, both boomers. They were both extremely physically abusive (Back then, it was fine to beat your kids. If you broke their bones you did it in private and no doctor. It was just accepted.) and every type of abuse, they had me I began to realize, out of societal norms, they hated me, and took out all of their anger and frustration with life out on me. My father nearly murdered me when he shot at me (Bullet grazed my temple.)

I am 45 now, and realize, my parents weren't explicitly evil, they were stupid. Too stupid to see that they were wicked, wicked human beings who never should have been allowed to make a child. I am still recovering from what they did to me. Especially the sexual stuff. I thank God these modern days are not like those days. There's nothing worse than being stupid, nothing. Evil people know they are evil, but stupid people can get away with atrocities, because they are too stupid to know they are doing evil.
Reply

garnierer
🇩🇪 Pro
21h
@wolfmangk I hope you are in therapy. Brutal what happened to you. I was also abused as a child and i have a different opinion. Your parents might be stupid but they are also evil. To the Core Even. I guess because they were traumatized as kids too. But thats Not an excuse, you have always an Option to choose. There are stupid traumatzed poeple out there who do Not torture kids.
Reply

evilkam
🇺🇸
20h
@wolfmangk I was born in 1977, both of my parents were boomers. They both loved and supported me, and were never abusive. (I was depressed anyways.)

What you went through was 100% not "normal" everywhere. Back then - where I grew up, it was not "fine to beat your kids".

I'm sorry you grew up in a bad place, bad neighborhood, bad city, bad region.
Reply

krmr91
19h
@wolfmangk Dude, there was never a “normal” where people broke their kids bones beating them and it was considered fine, and if there ever was, it wasnt the 1980s. Just stop it. Spankings, sure. Beating to the point of broken bones, definitely not.
Reply

180thdegree
18h
Hey man, I think you are doing fine if you can open up like that. I don't mean to say that you are less of a man for doing so, I just think you are a great example of someone from an abusive background that took his own destiny by the balls and squeezed them into what you want them to be.
This is what determines the diamonds in the ruff.
Reply

evilkam
🇺🇸
16h
@180thdegree I probably would have killed myself. Shit sounds awful, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to survive it.
Reply

as3irc3
15h
@wolfmangk i remember a bitter sweet joke about stupidity:
when someone is dead, he don't know it, it's the people around who are sad. some thing when someone is stupid.
Reply

vavotk
15h
@wolfmangk IDK fam, I feel like they were pretty evil by your definition. Stupid and Evil aren't mutually exclusive either.
Reply

bambusschnorche
14h
People who break your bones, shoot at you and do sexual abusive stuff to a child are 100% evil. Don't get confused there. They might just had a kid only to abuse you.
Reply

bustinjerry90
13h

@wolfmangk EMDR therapy saved my life. I'm a strong believer now that therapy is basically pointless unless you're doing EMDR
Reply

nnextremnn
12h

@wolfmangk Being stupid and evil aren't mutual exclusive. These fckers were straight evil. And god did nothing to help you or anyone else that would be worth being thanked for.
Reply

bongnandan
12h

@wolfmangk Yeah, bud. That's not normal even in shitholes like mine where teachers and parents beat the living fk out of you. Your parents were evil and stupid. I am sorry that happened to you and I am glad you survived that and hold it together. You didn't deserve it.
Reply

cxacniwm
11h

@wolfmangk nothing easier to accidentally brake some bones when your parents are 80 years old. Then they may finally learn.
Reply

kano_ito
🇩🇪
10h
Stupid and evil... it doesn't matter when were they born, harming a child just can't feel natural... sorry you had to go through that man, wish in your next life you are born into a loving family that will give you everything tenfold!
Reply
ginalover
10h

@wolfmangk when they are old and can’t defend themselves, abuse the fuck out of rhem while reminding them of their errors. Fuck them

Reply

arghtonyrgoth
🇧🇪 Pro+
2h

@wolfmangk modern days? Sorry to break it too you buddy, but nothing changed. I work on a crisis ward in psychiatric hospital. Man, your story? I hear it daily, told by 20 year olds and such.
In my city alone, 40% of children coming into contact with psychiatrie, suffer from incest. Its a sick fucking world out there man. I trust no one, no one! With my daughters.
Reply

wolfmangk
1h

@arghtonyrgoth I know. I remember, one day when I was around ten, my father grabbed me by the hair and dragged me out to the front yard of the house. This was in a neighborhood of Costa Mesa, California. Recently my father sold the home it sold for almost $1M USD

Well be began beating me with a baseball bat as I screamed, writhing and twisting by my head-hair, in public, I believe, to humiliate me as well as cause me as much physical pain as he could.

nobody called the cops.

nobody called CPS.

nobody cared.

Today, that is different, I want to believe today someone would call the police, do something. But back then, nobody cared. I am sure people are still treating their children horrifically, I hear of it frequently. It's just that, my hope is the idea is, more people would do something about it so it would not be public.

I also realize, in my parents days, beating your kids was considered good and necessary, and done in public, nobody cared. At least today it may change

Reply

afa310218
51m
@wolfmangk this is evil not stupid
Reply

firya
10m
Sometimes I wish I could pin a heart on some posts..... Don't wanna give you cancer, though

If Paul is right, and in my past life I was a warn criminal, I can see how this was deserved. Well, where does that leave me.

"Time to step out, and up!"

Where does the energy come, for that, when I have already expended more than a lifetimes worth, and have little to no desire to continue??

If I make it another year, it will be a sadistic miracle.

Maybe my parents will win.

Praise the Lords of Karma

[tundrawolf]

The supreme irony is, me not going to work, is loving myself.

I think the reptilians who can manipulate time, knew this, in order to extend my suffering, as deep and as long as possible.

If I end up, living in the bushes with nothing (true freedom) then it seems that is their goal, as they slaughter their cattle when they are used up, if the cattle are lucky, not discarded to dry out in the sun, fading to nothing.

[tundrawolf]

Reading the replies, I am actually kind of glad to see, others did not suffer like I did. I just assumed everyone was suffering.

The guy who says things are still this way, has "Daughters", he has children. I think, that must really skew his view, and be an additional hardship on him, I would probably feel the same way.

But, it is good to read the replies. Good to see the opinions from other people.

Support, even.

The revenge replies toward the end were juicy. Sadly, it will not be possible for me. Doubly sadly, is my parents will likely live to learn of my death, and rejoice because of it.

The darkness has won! Well, I chose this. My past life dictated my fate in this future, and my sorrow, made me choose death at the wolf sanctuary. So, what of it now? Who can defy the lords of karma for their fate.

[tundrawolf]

Weirdly, if a being came to me, and offered me hope,

"Here is a reason to live! A reason to endure the struggling, the suffering, here is hope!"

I would decline it.

I do not want to do this any more. It is as simple as that. I pray I find peace, at the end.

[tundrawolf]

I have an idea.

Make some manner of VTOL or, obtain a powered parachute.

Re home the dogs

Then, fly into a deep, deep area of the wilderness, with enough alcohol and whatever method I am at peace with into a location deep enough in where my body will never, ever be found. Hopefully, the animals will find some sustenance, and not become addicted to the taste of human flesh (Where they may seek out more humans to eat and get into trouble, and sully their reputation, etc.)

I actually remember being young, and wanting to feed the wildlife with my body.

This way, even if this crap is ever found, or other evidence, my parents never discover what happened, so they never have a reason to truly rejoice.

Maybe, I was adopted by a tribe of dogmen, and am living happily with them in their lifestyle (Actually probably the only real possibility) and I found happiness- something my parents would be tormented to know, that I found happiness. Fuck them. (parents/progenitory, their devils) It may still yet happen, who the fuck knows. I am a mess right now.

(The devil within them wins, and is glad for their victory over their child.)

This may be the best method, if that continue to be a factor in my decision(s) and gives me an ability to go out in peace, as well as a way of not backing out once I am there (Will be too far in, out of fuel/charge. No going back.) Makes more sense than just, some messy, brutal end in some national park somewhere in California.

I continue to go through the process

[tundrawolf]

At this point, it seems that, at present, I am unable (unwilling, realistically any longer) to summon/force/allow the energy enough, to keep me solvent, (Able to feed dogs, possibly keep a vehicle operating and insured) long enough to continue past this point in my life.

Not for a day, a week, a month.

I just cannot. It is a violation of my conscience, given the choice(s) I made at the wolf sanctuary. As tormented as I feel, I wish to avoid things becoming catastrophically bad, but if they did, I know it would eventually settle down regardless, and perhaps things would resume as usual.

I thank the dynamics and beings that have helped me get to this point

[tundrawolf]

Until/unless I can go backwards into time, and either:

Accept- face my doom

Resist, take back my power

etc, there is no further point in pushing forward. Any future I have, of any kind, is negated by the events at the wolf sanctuary. Whatever exercises, strivings, hopes, practices, mean nothing unless that is resolved.

If it is not resolved, there is no point, anyway.

I recall, being a very young child, and wanting to burn myself on my mothers stove, in order to die. I am 45 and virtually nothing in my life has changed since then, as far as it goes.

Suicide is the least of my problems/worries/concerns. It is deeply comforting to plan, accept, and move towards, and I do not care what the other dynamics are. Pushing forward with the wolf sanctuary events looming over my head is a pointless waste of energy.

I didn't go to the job today, I fucked it off completely. Took a nap and realized what I am being paid is an insult, as came to my mind. I am likely going to ask for more money. He can take it or fuck off. Predator preys on peoples desperation. Fuck these humans, fuck this system, fuck this planet.

Still no ability (gut instinct) to sell anything. Getting angry and fed up with it all. Just sick of this fucking life. This is either going to change or I am going to die, either option is fine by me.

[tundrawolf]

The demons of reason came to me, and ministered to me, they once again said, if I am to remain intellectually honest, I must accept that things could get (better)

So I agreed, grudgingly, and they began to show me, the change is not in my external circumstances, but within myself, I have been hurting myself, it was a twisted dynamic, exacerbated during the attack at the wolf sanctuary, and twisted up from my upbringing

I began to see how my entire foundation is/was one of fear.

Five of the dogs came to my bed, then to cuddle up to me, and they shared with me their positivity, and it was good to feel that. They were content, and chewing on things I had been eating and handed to them, it was like my "pack" was united again, previously I was angry and depressed

I was ministered by anthro wolves, and peoples, and other things.

My best friend turned me onto this, cute and pure series:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwx8VPkwQZE

and it had a further effect of lifting my spirits, as I confront the incident at the wolf sanctuary

I was going to outline a means to wipe the reptilians out from the inner earth, as was revealed to me, as they revealed themselves to me, but they ministered to me, too, unless it is a deception is seemed to be positive, so I decided not to give away the plan to kill them all, at least for now.

I saw, if my plan was instituted (It would take some time but would be effective and automatic. Minimal effort, maximum effectiveness.) the reptilians would eventually turn to sludge, however that sludge would become a fungus, and spread throughout this planet, and they would be eventually reborn, and we would have to deal with them again, but they would be reborn after being filtered thru the fungal network (governance of organic life) of this planet. They would be, "one" with this planet, and possibly more amiable. (Not as detrimental to humans.) I am unsure how to proceed, only that:

Ladywolf came to me, and revealed her source is very, very old, which is partly why she was cranky, she, "Thanked me" for lending her part of my "young, vibrant, light" heart. (She fed on it. Like a parasite, but I did not mind, as I like her. It was here I discovered how old she really is. Very, very, very old, and used by the reptilians when they need a wolf woman of her energy.) It was in this spirit the reptilians ministered to me, it seemed positive, unless I was deceived.

This is a cycle, and I see how I was robbing myself of proper fitting in to this planet, with my anger, I resented it, but it seems to have been a plant in me for some time, resisting the possibility of being happy here. (Hating it here)

Well anyway that's all I can type, but I owe it to my intellectual duality to entertain this, except my heart remains angry.

The dogs seem to have sensed my more positive energies and have returned to the bed, and are snuggled up to me, so I understand this is good, canine/wolf synergy. Yesterday they avoided the bed due to my energy.

[tundrawolf]

Well,

I have been trying to sleep naturally, without supplements, and it has been hard- but i have been drinking 9-10 green teas (Tea bags in boiling water, no sweeteners) each day, which for the old me, would have put me in the hospital... I think all that caffeine is affecting me.

I did not fall asleep until late, but endeavored to fall asleep, and I did...

I had a strange dream where I was a butler of some sort, and a Japanese woman whop drove a grey firebird gave me a private assessment and my marks were, "Passing"

The dogs, were positive, which lent to my positivity, and I had a concerning thought, if I was depressed yesterday, and fine this morning, what would have happened had I of made a decision during the depression that was permanent. I do not discount the possibility that I may self harm in the future, only, that some rest, and some reprogramming with respect to this realm (Happened during the sleep cycle) has caused me to be in a better alignment with existence presently.

That does not discount how despondent I was, or the fact that I will possibly be there, again.

I made a half hearted (maybe 3/4 hearted) promise to jasmine, the momma dog, that I would press on, for her. (She is a reason to keep going, she is a faithful dog. The husky is a good dog, but huskies have been wounded by humans, so that is in their dna, and they are not too cuddly or clingy. They were, abandoned during the harsh winter in siberia, and this wounded their hearts as they were forced to survive, and they were taught by the harsh wilderness (And also cats) on how to survive, so they never fully trusted humans again, which is why huskies seem problematic, but I do not have a lack of love for my husky, he is a good boy, and I do love him, his affections are rare, but that makes them precious, however, the quantity of affection I receive from my mixed breed momma dog, is genuine and constant, and it matters a great deal to me, especially given my upbringing and lack of connection and centering)

Dogs and wolves were my surrogate parents when humans failed me

Also, my dogs told me today, they enjoyed the spirit of the wolves I worked with (Wild, pure, source origin) and it gave them comfort, in interacting with me (I am like a wolf to them)

I also see how, in my lack of parenting, I have been relying on fear and euphoria, to exist, which is why I crash hard