Giving up.

[tundrawolf]

I am hesitant to post this, as it is unfolding, and it seems a day spent away from this forum, yielded massive spiritual results.

A timeline:

I have a horrific childhood I nearly did not survive, several times

I discover a love for wolves that is as deep as my humanness, and transcends deep into the spirit realm, and other places and things

As a child, I die in a hospital from an injection, and go to another realm, through an astral realm. There, I see tangible colors you can feel and taste, and, then, I am submerged in a form of comfortable living water, which connects me with the source of love. It soaks into the fibers of my existence, like warm water in dry bread

I become a criminal, to escape the pain of my childhood, and nearly die some more times

I volunteer at a wolf sanctuary

I meet a wolf there, who was isolated due to his aggression, however we became brothers, best friends, and he became the reason I quit drugs and became my only reason for living

One evening at the wolf sanctuary, as a formerly religious person, I, "Sell my soul" to be intimate with a wolf who had previously exhibited mating signals to me

After this, I feel "Satan" and, "Demons" rip my, "Soul" to shreds, breaking his bones in a configuration of near immortal horror, I could feel the weight of the, "Demons" on me as I walked, I struggled daily with this, for over twenty years

I struggle through life, with the adverse childhood, the former drug use, the attack on my soul at the sanctuary, there is a horrendous weight on me daily, I use alcohol to cope, I barely survive,

March of 2021 I have the first of three out of body experiences, where I meet, a seven and a half foot tall, five hundred forty six pound, female, two-footed, wolf-person. She remains, to this day, the most beautiful creature I have seen in this incarnation, and I witnessed her, with "true" eyes, spiritual eyes, eyes that you can only get after death

Shortly after this, I am given another out of body, early morning, sober experience, where i was standing next to the wolf girl, and our hearts were touching, they beat at the exact same resonance. That morning she completed me, she was, my, "Other half", a dynamic many, if not most, humans are searching for, themselves.

Shortly after this, I am given a third, and final out of body experience, where my head is next to the wolf girls. Our minds are connected, in the purest form of communication I have ever heard of. I learned, she is upset with her idea of "god" for allowing this to happen, she is upset with me, for being a method through which she was captured, who likes her, and, she does not wish to leave her realm, which, to me, appears to be a cavernous system in the inner earth, that is attached to a form of reptilian inner earth military like base.

I begin posting various places, looking for answers, and I find this, forum (Paul sent me a link)

Paul is only concerned with me, and I, am only concerned with the wolf girl.

I try the things Paul has me try, and they have the effect of helping me, all while I am courting the wolf girl, who is, rather pissed. (I learn a reptilian group I am attached to, captured her, when she was snacking on my ripped up clone body, in the inner earth.) Eventually, she begins to relax about me.

She is the love of my life.

She is my other half.

(She is the woman I have been looking for my entire life. I remember mourning, deep in my gut and spirit, that hybrid, human-wolf women did not "exist" when I was young.)

I love her.

This means nothing to Paul.

Paul directs my attention to a cunt ship of reptilians in orbit of this planet, who are connected to the inner earth reptilians, who have the wolf girl.

Eventually, I discover I am in a soul contract with these reptilians, that are using my tortured inner earth clone and spirit energy, as harvest-feed for their own use. Recently, the reptilians began to threaten me, if I did not allow them to continue to use my soul energy for them, they would kill the wolf girl. As I had been listening to Paul, I refused, and so, they murdered her.

However, as they are devious, cold, and cruel, they uploaded her consciousness to a VR system, to continue to try manipulate me, in order to squeeze every last drop from me, I assume.

I feel Ladywolf, the wolf girl, die, and I hold her hand, as I am able, and be there for her. I feel my heart palpitate, where our heart connection is severed after her body passes on.

I still feel her, in my heart, in my mind. She is, I believe, a spirit, now.

I was sore pissed with Paul over this, and I acknowledge, that, from a different perspective, you could say, Paul helping me heal, and love myself, cost me the love of my life

I found a few drops of energy, resolving, to finish building the overland vehicle, returning to California, working there for a year, and then taking my life, September of, 2025. This was freeing. I also, resolved, that suicide was an option for me, before this. I no longer cared about the repercussions, as one may assume, when one takes their life, they do not, either. This gave me hope, and was a breath of fresh air for my entire existence. Freedom, at last!

So, after a confrontation with another member of this forum, I decide, that the spirits may have me, I am done.

Whatever dark forces I entered into a contract with at the wolf sanctuary: they could have me.

Whatever, mission I was to have here, could fuck itself. They neither sheltered, nor helped, nor lifted a single finger to help me. They could go fuck themselves!!

So, yesterday, and the day previous, I turned my back on it, and i began to travel backwards, towards the dark forces that manifested at the wolf sanctuary

I did so, in earnest, I refused help from helping spirits and such, and told them to fuck themselves

I wanted to give myself to the darkness

I had nothing else to live for

Well, in giving myself to the darkness, I began to find freedom, though I earnestly pushed myself into the horror, hell

I began to feel, my purpose, and, I felt the vulnerability of the human race, and how, my heart heals that

I was given a brand-new perspective of myself, relating to the human race

I went, from, a "victim" of the humans, to a savior of it (essentially. in part)

I did not accept it. Only observed it.

During this, I realized my energy was used-up.

I am in, dire-straights financially, with respect of a place to live, in every aspect of my life, and I am caring for, seven dogs. I can be homeless and destitute at any moment. I am unable to work any more.

My life, is, essentially, over. I placed the question tot he universe, should I just take my life, today, then?

My gut responded, no. I may, yet receive another out of body experience, and may, yet, meet another wolf girl, or, perhaps- a reason to live. To do myself in now would be premature.

Okay. Well, how about the energy, to finish a valuable overland vehicle I am building? Am I to, then, fade into the earth, here, or end up drinking myself to death, when I end up living in the forest?

Well, in giving up, I discovered, a new, fresh, store of energy, to accomplish these things. I have spent the last, two and three quarters years, deconverting from my religion, and resting from the traumatic experience at the wolf sanctuary. I fought it, however, my gut told me, it was going to kill this body if I continued to work, and it was well on the way to accomplishing that.

So, here I am, in a tenuous position- wondering if I am a waking dead man, with no energy left, it being sapped by the reptilians, and the other dark forces, that took control of me at the wolf sanctuary.

Except, in facing the darkness, instead of running from it, I am discovering, that there is hope here- energy.

I am taking it day by day, however, it seems as if the veil is lifting. I discovered, more joy- but permanent joy- today, with my dogs. I made a vlog, during. Is this the energy I have been looking for? I was asked, by a certain god, to "Believe I would inherit this ranch" which is presently one of the most valuable pieces of property on the planet. I said, far fetched, but I will try. If I build the vehicle and leave, then perhaps that is over. However if I build it, and remain here, it remains a possibility.

I have been searching for my destiny, my path. I have been strayed all of my life. I was searching for a path, such as religion provides, a path to go and a path not to go, and I took the path of being my own god. (Moral reasons)

It seems as if I am approaching an answer. My gut is healing. I have little to no desire to drink any more, but fuck yeah, I love drinking

When I confronted the darkness, I discovered, the decision I made to, "sell my soul" was just a temporary one, but I believed the contract, that said it was permanent. When I challenged the contract, it burned up. What makes it hard, is, whenever I consider it as being valid, it reappears and comes back into effect. As, the decision was my own, and, the decision to repudiate, is also my own. I was not allowed this until I walked into the darkness.

During the trek into the darkness, I refused to either be positive, or of good cheer.

I was there to give myself to it, and to die.

To confront what had happened, as perhaps I had healed enough to do so.

It was there I discovered it was a trick, however the depth has yet to be returned to me, or, taken back by force by me.

The other hard thing, was, the darkness made a way of torment, and made the way back impossible, or nearly so. So, I was stuck in perpetual torment, my energy to fight and survive also being harvested by the reptilians.

Well, I saw Ladywolfs spirit, and attached to her, are two, black masses, of aggression and predation, that want to eat me (Are adverse.)

I began to remove them, when I considered- what does she feel about this?

I asked her, what of this, girl? She responded, "That is my wolf nature to kill prey. That is my strength, and my power." So, I left them with her.

However, this does make her rather aggressive and dangerous to me, though, she stays with me, as she resonates within my heart,

"I know you love me. I feel safe around you. I know you will take care of me."

All of this is true.

This is not a praise report, but a progress report. I hope, to cultivate more energy, as I am discovering a very real will, to accomplish these things. If I have to give up more, or take more authority, or destroy space ships and strong holds, I will do so. I will see what tomorrow brings, however, I am unwilling to jeopardize my progress, as for me, it is life and death.

I may yet decide to start my overland business, which will make me wealthy.

I intend, to begin a non profit religion based on Ladywolf. It is partially world ending serious, and also, tongue in cheek, but I intend to honor her, as the woman that saved my life. (Meeting her, began a process of cultivating hope for my future, whereupon I would not have made it another year. I was drinking so much alcohol that my stomach was beginning to hurt in such a way that I knew it was life threatening. I did not are. The pain of my experience at the wolf sanctuary was too great. Until the day I met Ladywolf. 

That is all for now.

One thing, that gave me some energy and hope, was, when the mom dog went into heat I had to put her into a pen outside, and I slept with her in there, as she was sore afraid about it. And, in doing so, I discovered a connection with my ancestors on this planet, who rose with the sun, it was absolutely mystical, and a deep, primal stirring happened within me. The pen will be relocated where I had a deep spiritual experience with a mountain lion. The female canines are beginning to display sex-play, and I will need to separate the boys into the pen, where I intend to sleep with them, and wake with the rising sun, outside.

Before, when sleeping with the mom dog, I began to drink my w3hiskey outdoors, it was wonderful, and I brought in a stove and oven there, to cook food in the morning, and coffee, and enjoy the outdoors, and it was one of the highlights of my life, sleeping in that pen. The thought of it, invigorated my spirit, heart, and gut, like a fresh wind through my being.

The progress with the overland vehicle is progressing. I am feeling like a warrior, again. Like a man with a purpose. That is being cultivated, and I am taking it day by day, as if I rush it, it seems to frustrate the natural process of this healing. So I take it day by day.

Here, is to finding the energy to continue tomorrow. And the next day. And the next

I reserve the right to "show" dark Ladywolfs (Perhaps. Her name shall be now, Lady Darkwolf.) spirit, a body she may inhabit, which is to her liking, if she wishes it.

However, recently, I felt her, "Give me what I want" from her, which was, her, changing her heart, and mind, to liking me. That same day, it was broken, due to me "Loving myself", or some such dynamic Paul has helped me instill within myself.

I discovered, it was one, of two chances I have with Ladywolf. When I worked with pure blood wolves, they give you one chance to befriend them, and if you fuck that up, you will never have another chance and they will forever avoid you, though one wolf, gave me a second chance, but my spirit was too polluted, and she avoided me until her death.

So, I visualized Ladywolfs being, and to her, she has, retreated from me, "In a cave" and is peering out at me, as I broke her trust (She trusted me, as I broke her trust, following Pauls direction.), and her heart. I had spent three years, earnestly courting her, writing for her, speaking lovingly to her, and connecting to her heart. Regardless of her adverse nature, I am deeply connected to her, not only the mind, but also the heart, and the gut as well, as I felt the tissue of my body being digested within her stomach, and I was presented with options, ranging from silly, to deadly, to life-giving, and I chose to give her life- but not just life. I chose to give her love- from my return from death experience, so that she may have access to that, and I was shown, my intent, and hearts desire, were all granted for her. So, we are connected via the spirit, as well as life.

Perhaps this is a transformative period for her, perhaps not. I understand, our relationship may change, and morph. I sense connections to deeply dark winds in dark realms, that I did not see before- but I do not seek to change her. Perhaps I may be a strand of light, in her being. Perhaps not, the decision is hers to make. She may remain with me as long as she is comfortable. She, was a beacon of light in my darkness, may I also be a beacon of light, for her as well. May she return to me.

I was unable to fully release her, before her body was terminated, so I may have to release her as a spirit. I intend to do right by her, as I am able. I do not know how this will manifest as I also seek my own wholeness, healing, and proper relationship with myself, her, and my environment.

I understand, nobody knows how I feel. Nobody has been through exactly what I have been through. Nobody has passed through the gates of death, and returned, quite the same way I have. (Same is said for all)

I feel this resonates with our heart:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HiOuTpi5dg

We shall see what the morrow brings. Perhaps rest, perhaps a renewed wind of finishing what I have started, of a continuation of life.

[tundrawolf]

One good thing Paul has given me, is to remain positive about Lady Darkwolf. This is a sacred realm to me, and applying my knowledge to Ms. Lady Darkwolf, seemed off limits, before, but there is a deep joy in the pit of my stomach, when I do, as if it gives her to realms of light. Well, perhaps tomorrow is a bright new day after all.

[tundrawolf]

Part of, Lady Darkwolfs irritant towards me, as I am seeing just now, is the fact that I was unable to be in right relationship with her

It is possible, she was my girlfriend/wife of my physical body in the inner earth, and that is why she was with me, this entire incarnation.

That adds an element of tragedy to this. If/when my body is healed, this is a deep pain for him, and possibly why I may not return to him, I wonder if my ego that has passed or is nearly there, was actually him. And, his relationship with her, was the cause of this. It is possible, she joined the adverse group, that attacked him, It would explain a lot.

Wow.