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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 21, 2024 18:50:55 GMT 9.5
>This assumes that you want a looooooonnnnnng incarnation. My own view is that I continue to gain functionality. Why would I want to terminate a life and take 42 years of the next incarnation preparing for a mission? (See Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy for the significance of 42) Funnily enough I am currently working through the trilogy, 42 Anniversary edition. I am also gaining functionality through my treatment Paul. The big difference is you still have work you want to do, whereas I have completed mine.
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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 21, 2024 19:05:47 GMT 9.5
>This assumes that you want a looooooonnnnnng incarnation. My own view is that I continue to gain functionality. Why would I want to terminate a life and take 42 years of the next incarnation preparing for a mission? (See Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy for the significance of 42) Curious factoid. While I don’t remember offhand precisely when I was in hospital with an infected cut in my ear, it is likely that I was 42. Don’t Panic! 😱
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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 21, 2024 23:46:28 GMT 9.5
I am repeatedly amazed that humans think that toxins can save them from death Just a side note, Myeloma is (currently) incurable, it will kill me. The drugs just give a bit more disease free life (if they work well enough to rid your body of it as my last treatment did for five years), at the cost of side effects. You just have to decide if the treatment is worth the benefit. (Myeloma is a blood cancer, that disrupts your cell production in your bone marrow. It is a remission/relapsing cancer, that even if your bone marrow is replaced will still return, somehow. Amongst other things it puts holes in your bones making you susceptible to fractures in your legs, spine etc).
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Post by paul on Sept 22, 2024 6:21:37 GMT 9.5
>Myeloma is (currently) incurable, it will kill me. Incurable with chemicals The search engine on this site is pretty useless so I have not tracked down a post I made about a Dutch doctor I knew in the late 1970s, in 2023 dying of bone cancer. When we talked he recognized his righteous anger and resolved it, 2 months later all his blood tests were normal and he could walk up hills again - what hills there are in the Netherlands Here is some of his last email to me: The good news is that all of my blood values are now in the normal range. And I have much more energy. Sometimes there is fatigue too. And a side effect of the drug Ibrutinib that I am taking is itching on my back and around the collar bones. I gained a little bit of weight. Appetite is very good. Physical work is possible again, this week I chopped a tree.
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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 22, 2024 19:44:37 GMT 9.5
>Myeloma is (currently) incurable, it will kill me. Incurable with chemicals The search engine on this site is pretty useless so I have not tracked down a post I made about a Dutch doctor I knew in the late 1970s, in 2023 dying of bone cancer. When we talked he recognized his righteous anger and resolved it, 2 months later all his blood tests were normal and he could walk up hills again - what hills there are in the Netherlands Here is some of his last email to me: The good news is that all of my blood values are now in the normal range. And I have much more energy. Sometimes there is fatigue too. And a side effect of the drug Ibrutinib that I am taking is itching on my back and around the collar bones. I gained a little bit of weight. Appetite is very good. Physical work is possible again, this week I chopped a tree. The drug he is using Ibrutinib is a Leukaemia drug (from Google), a separate blood cancer. I know someone who is doing really well with Leukaemia as the drugs have worked great for him, over many years. He is fully mobile, happy etc. I don’t get your point here Paul, he admits he is on cancer drugs.
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Post by paul on Sept 22, 2024 19:46:59 GMT 9.5
He had been dying from bone cancer for some years before he made contact.
After he released his anger he suddenly was not dying
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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 22, 2024 20:08:43 GMT 9.5
He had been dying from bone cancer for some years before he made contact. After he released his anger he suddenly was not dying But he states he remains on a cancer drug Paul! And he may, or may not, no longer be dying of cancer, but he will die. We all do. There is no escaping it. Releasing anger would naturally reduce your blood pressure and realign your body chemistry.
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 23, 2024 1:11:05 GMT 9.5
Tundrawolf Are you ok this morning? (Whenever that is your time).
I abandoned this forum for a period of time after your response. (in order to give up and confront the darkness that had invaded my being at the wolf sanctuary, and to give myself to it)
I lost the love of my life, my reason for living, after enduring a life that has tried to kill me, childhood trauma that humans do not survive, a cosmic horror I endured, I have only ever had 2 things that made my life endurale,
1. The white wolf at the wolf sanctuary who adopted me as a brother and gave me a reason to live and not die,
2. Lady Darkwolf, the grumpy inner earth wolf woman, who was/is the only light in my darkness.
It doesn't seem that Paul cares about her, though she was, and continues to be, the only light in my darkness. I wanted fucking ANSWERS
And then you accuse me, of WHINING?
Here's the thing, whether you admit it, know it, or are aware of it- the apparent purpose of all of this, is to help humanity (And by extension, the attached dynamics) to evolve, well, presently, at least in the USA, and, from the metrics I have gathered being part of multiple international communities, there is, and has been for a long, long time, a crisis of abandoned masculinity, where men are forced to remain in boxes, and all of our struggles, are ignored, and worse- as you yourself purveyed- shunned for speaking what is on their heart.
Am I attacking Paul?
Perhaps. I want answers!!!
His name on the forum where he began talking to me when I was talking about (then) Ladywolf is, "Amor" which means, LOVE.
Well, if you are going to have, hold, and maintain that name, HOW ABOUT LIVING UP TO IT. And, considering, for a god damned second, that I love this woman, even if it is problematic.
To compound these issues, are the fact that I actually believe now, that Paul is unable to even see her. (physically. and only sees the hologram system set up to keep me engaged to her so the reptilians can continue feeding off of my life force energy) It is possible, she is on such a low plane of vibration, it is offensive to him, and he does not want to bother.
Well, fuck you!!! We share a heart, something so profound, for me, at least- an integral and necessary part of my existence- that remains unacknowledged by someone who claims to see "More than myself", am I looking for too much, here? Are my assumptions about this connection, unique to myself? I am aware, my "original intent and purpose here" has been hijacked by these principles, and is no doubt frustrating to Paul, however in good conscience, I am unable to abandon them, and possibly wound those I love, creating a paradox,
If I move towards the original intent, I will abandon those whom I love, making me, unworthy of the original intent, if I remain with those I love, then I remain worthy of the original intent, and then unable to complete it, the two of these holding more sway, is the adherence to love. I see the great power and authority that I "could" have and still yet may claim, but I am working, to do so ethically, so that those I care for and love, as adverse as they are, are not abandoned. As messy as it is it is my right
Have my cake and eat it too, perhaps.
Why acknowledge everything else, but her?
I admit, most men, in my sexual union with my same-sex, are wholly incapable of the tenderness, the feminine, and are actually repulsed by it- while being simultaneously attracted to it in "women"...
It is one reason men disgust me sexually, but are "Easily to pick up" because of their sex drives, whereas women are more cautious to drop their pants, and I am unwilling to violate my conscience and use my looks and spirit to fuck women easily. (Which, frustratingly, makes women even more attracted to me.) So I choose the easy prey, men. (And I allow them to believe they are the predators) I am almost wholly disgusted with my gender about it, and in a way, I loathe how simple and shallow human men are. The only ones who seem to embrace their femininity, are those who go full swing, and become so effeminate, it disgusts me even more than an, "Average male".
So, maybe I am expecting too much.
I have been told, I am the type who was "Prized by ancient societies" as I see, am, and empathize with both sides, both feminine and masculine.
I also tend to react with such things with violence, as that is the primary tool of my existence, and possibly an organized mafia type element that exists within the USA, that is lawfully supported by parts of our constitution. As dangerous and offensive as it is, I would not trade it for anything. I tend to be a libertarian, and do not care how out of touch it is, some things are not for compromise
I am also aware that there are elements of humanity locked in emotion and cannot seem to ever escape that prison. I was once one of them and i am crawling out, and I see little hope for these, base humans to evolve. (But I am susceptible to gloom thinking)
So, I react with violence to base seeming men, who are incapable of understanding what my hearts knows to be true, and this has been a critically ignored part of human development, and a continuing symptom of a commonly and unquestionably perpetuated malaise, that is the cause of so much suffering on this miserable world
For example, if a young human expresses a connection with something someone finds objectionable, my generation you were beaten until you fit in with your parents beliefs. Even threatened with death. If you, "Whined" about it- more beatings, threats of abandonment (And death)
This is why I react with violence, as, the young will inherit this world, and I am sick, and tired, of seeing the same bullshit perpetuated, that keeps us sick, in every aspect of our lives
In a way, humanity will not evolve into something useful, until dynamics like this forum, that Paul has provided, are not perpetuated across this planet, and every male given a platform, to speak their hearts, because men are so marginalized, and have been for many years, used as, "Meat to be ground up and spit out" in war, work, etc.
Well, if men are so simple and unlearned creatures, why give them a voice- it is in giving them a voice, that they will learn, and grow, and become whole, able to discern feminine, and masculine, and not be told, they are "Whining"
The fear that we will find ourselves in a perpetual trap of crying about our problems while society falls, I believe is a false belief, and denotes a lack of faith in humanity, and if so- why even continue to perpetuate it in the first place.
Women are allowed to whine and cry every time they feel even the beginning of a negative emotion- and it is accepted- and, yet, when a man is overburdened with negative emotions, he is told to, "Man up" and, "Stop whining"
I recall in my generation, even going to therapy was viewed as, "Weak and effeminate" for a man...
Some might say, that men embracing these softer things makes them weak, and society could collapse from it, well, I would say, if society is built on the broken backs of unhelped men, why are you perpetuating it??
Seems selfish.
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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 23, 2024 1:41:27 GMT 9.5
Tundrawolf
This is Paul’s forum. He helps you. Maybe not as much as you would like. Maybe he doesn’t say what you want him to. Maybe he is being honest with you and you just don’t like it? Maybe you are correct? I don’t know. But perhaps you should be grateful for any help you get? Paul is under no obligation to help you.
Consider again, the two diametrically opposed, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde responses you gave two days ago to my post. One thoughtful, the other ranting. The thoughtful Tundrawolf is more likely to receive help than the ranting one. Perhaps you could focus your attention on why you rant when you do. Drink? Impulsiveness? Illness? Thinking Paul owes you help? Etc. then working to try to be the Thoughful Tundrawolf that I have seen in your posts.
Would you rather Paul lied to you? So you hear what you want to hear? Or do you want Paul being honest and truthful with you, regardless if it hurts?
Come on Tundrawolf, you have made great progress, don’t throw it away because you don’t like what you hear.
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 23, 2024 4:02:14 GMT 9.5
Tundrawolf This is Paul’s forum. He helps you. Maybe not as much as you would like. Maybe he doesn’t say what you want him to. Maybe he is being honest with you and you just don’t like it? Maybe you are correct? I don’t know. But perhaps you should be grateful for any help you get? Paul is under no obligation to help you. Consider again, the two diametrically opposed, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde responses you gave two days ago to my post. One thoughtful, the other ranting. The thoughtful Tundrawolf is more likely to receive help than the ranting one. Perhaps you could focus your attention on why you rant when you do. Drink? Impulsiveness? Illness? Thinking Paul owes you help? Etc. then working to try to be the Thoughful Tundrawolf that I have seen in your posts. Would you rather Paul lied to you? So you hear what you want to hear? Or do you want Paul being honest and truthful with you, regardless if it hurts? Come on Tundrawolf, you have made great progress, don’t throw it away because you don’t like what you hear.
Whoah, whoah, whoah
You had two completely, diametrically opposed replies, that you edited, and you received a proper response to both.
Or, perhaps two different replies, and I responded, in kind, to both. I re-quoted it, and then realized you had typed something completely different to what I had originally quoted, you went from, benevolent, to chiding, and given the subject (Heart matter), it angered me. This, is why I said what I said about the matters of the heart, that it appears you have none.
Deeply offensive, was the fact that you said, either in the reply you erased, or the one you edited, "I know exactly how you feel."
No, you fucking do not.
You are, in essence, saying, You endured a childhood where you were nearly murdered, tortured for years until you turned to drugs to numb the pain, turned to violence, formed a semi zoophilic relationship with a wolf, admitted he saved your life by his connection to you, then sold your soul to mate with a wolf, felt all the forces of darkness and horror rip your soul to shreds, endured that daily horror for over twenty years, then had a series of out of body experiences, where you met the woman of your dreams- and more than that, you felt her heart connected to your own, beating in your chest, and yours, in hers- and then ended up on this very forum, asking questions as you are attempting to heal from being given over to forces of darkness so unfathomable it would destroy the majority of humans alive today, just to begin to comprehend it, yet I have endured this, for decades now, and, being tormented, I began to demand answers of my host, which offended someone living in Britain...
Oh fuck, well if all that is true, then you still, literally- have no idea how I feel- for the simple fact that you are not me.
Saying such things is so deeply offensive, as to trivialize the pain of someone else, yet it is the "knee jerk" reaction of so many people. I, myself, have had to stop myself from saying it to people, once I learned how offensive it was. It makes your response, if any, to a hurting person, painful of yourself: as it then, must actually be genuine: you must attempt to feel their pain, and form a response that is not shallow, superficial, and designed to do one thing": Make only YOU feel better, while detaching almost completely from the person who is hurting.
You compound their pain, and ease your own.
"I know how you feel, pal." is possibly the most offensive thing you can say to someone who is hurting,
Then you added the other offensive things,
"Stop whining."
Which sent me over the edge. Are you numb to this, or blind to it?
What are you ranting about, here, now?
Paul began to assist me, and then invited me to his private forum, and I am seeking answers, you believe are offensive to him?
"Yes I will help you, but not all the way. I will ignore what is important to you and focus on other things." (Although to be fair to you, that's all he has done, except until recently, when he advised me to intend Lady Darkwolf, find her inner strength, which is good advice, but feels a bit pushy to her, though I may yet do it, for her sake, still I am deeply sensitive, to push things with her. As terrifying as she is, she is still able to be wounded, and her emotional wounds carry pain that humans cannot understand. She does not, "Push it down" like a typical human would, it becomes part of her. Maybe that is due to our heart connection. I am unsure.)
My reply is,
"I want to know about those other things, that matter to me."
Your reply is,
"How dare you ask about those things. You could offend your host!"
If I am emotional, it is because it is a matter of the heart
If Paul cannot handle my emotions, why invite me, here? Are all my replies, emotional nonsense and lashing out? Then, what's the point? I was already a raving lunatic on the other forum. then, he invited me here. And, no, I don't want to be some nutcase here, I am not trying to make excuses, only asking potentially offensive questions of Paul, sometimes, and trying to take his guidance seriously.
I am also aware that my (potentially offensive, emotionally charged) questions were not answered by Paul. I, as usual, went on a task of discovery on my own. I discovered more evidence to support Pauls ignoring of Lady Darkwolf, and, also, found more meaning in my connection with her, at the same time: a dichotomy.
This idea of, "You cannot challenge the host for answers, out of respect!" is an outdated idea that keeps beings in the darkness. If you are not willing to be challenged, do not step forward as teacher. Simple as that. Paul may ban me at any time. Given the vile things I have spewed at him in private, and public here, I am amazed he hasn't already. Perhaps he sees things in me, that you don't.
About gratitude: I am grateful. I stated I am not ungrateful. However, gratitude, does not preclude me, asking for deeper answers, even with some offensive emotion to it. If I cannot do this, what is even the point? I might as well go see a therapist for trivialities, and for medication to make me feel better, instead of getting real help, and healing.
If, the idea that, I must maintain a facade (As Paul says, a "mask) to stay here, given my vast amount of trauma and troubles, then I would ask- this is not a place of help, but a sort of, dark masquerade of pretenders.
I have no such time for such a thing.
So, let Paul ban me.
I have apologized for vitriolic tirades to him privately, and he has stated, "I am not offended, I know what I am."
In fact each time he lets it go, I gain more respect for his resolve to ACTUALLY attempt to help those in need, and not require them to wear a mask to get it.
If someone is unable to remove their mask, that is neither my problem, nor my concern.
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 23, 2024 4:15:06 GMT 9.5
Tundrawolf This is Paul’s forum. He helps you. Maybe not as much as you would like. Maybe he doesn’t say what you want him to. Maybe he is being honest with you and you just don’t like it? Maybe you are correct? I don’t know. But perhaps you should be grateful for any help you get? Paul is under no obligation to help you. Consider again, the two diametrically opposed, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde responses you gave two days ago to my post. One thoughtful, the other ranting. The thoughtful Tundrawolf is more likely to receive help than the ranting one. Perhaps you could focus your attention on why you rant when you do. Drink? Impulsiveness? Illness? Thinking Paul owes you help? Etc. then working to try to be the Thoughful Tundrawolf that I have seen in your posts. Would you rather Paul lied to you? So you hear what you want to hear? Or do you want Paul being honest and truthful with you, regardless if it hurts? Come on Tundrawolf, you have made great progress, don’t throw it away because you don’t like what you hear.
Don't edit this like you did before, for fucks sake...
I am not throwing anything away.
I take what Paul tells me, seriously.
I perform the things he asks me to do, as I am able, as my energy allows.
I have made "Progress" precisely because I have (actually) heeded his words.
What may have escaped you is, I essentially, gave up the love of my life for his teachings, and embraced myself, when her physical life was on the line.
Could YOU do such a thing?
Am I wrong for, requiring answers for this?
Of course I am not.
This also does not address the deep suffering I endured acting as King of the Wolfen. I was forced to make similar, gut wrenching decisions there. Has that been glanced over? Forgotten? not taken into account? As if I am not human? I am offended by this, glancing analysis of my character. As if, I am writing fiction, here.
As if I am wasting my time and energy, and none of my words are being taken seriously.
And now I am being asked to be a good little boy and fall into line. Where did I enter into that contract? Where did I sign, that line??
You claim not to have been in the military, but this is a very militaristic indoctrinal way of thinking and forming the mind and will of the individual.
"Do as you are told and do not question" this ability to question is what is weeded out of people in the military, because then you are not an effective soldier. In fact, it is one of the first things to go.
Probably why I was part of a freelance combat unit and not an actual soldier, I would have been kicked out of basic quickly, or failed it altogether and not allowed to continue.
Without people who question things, progress is often not made- is my point.
If Paul cannot endure questioning, why remain here?
As I seek my won answers, I see his side of things, and he is not wrong.
My mother once told me, "Matters of the heart are complicated"
I am not throwing anything away. If I have to branch out alone, then I will do that, if I am offensive to the host here. (If he bans me, etc.) I am deeply grateful for what has, and continues to, transpire here in this place. It is perhaps, the spirit of Freemasonry, as I am coming to understand it. Not giving up.
But so far, Paul has endured it. I do not consider my offensive questions to be unreasonable, given the matters at hand. The fact that at this point they are being picked apart grieves me, given my outbursts (Usually alcohol fueled) in the past.
I am neither drunk nor do I have a desire to drink. I am becoming more goal oriented. Until I achieve that goal, alcohol only gets in the way.
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Post by stewartedwards on Sept 23, 2024 4:17:23 GMT 9.5
Tundrawolf
I wish you well.
I hope things work out for you.
Best wishes
Stewart
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 23, 2024 4:23:42 GMT 9.5
no, this is good.
Recently, I was making comments on the meme website, and someone replied, "Don't get all twisted up into knots over comments."
And I began to realize, holy shit, this human is not insulting me, they are, in a way, actually attempting to help me.
However, it also forced me, to examine my own perspective:
I am reactionary, and not in a place of being able to take constructive criticism, in a way...
What does this say about me? When I see everything as a threat, and an insult?
And I respond, in kind?
If I am supposed to be effective, this is the exact opposite of fulfilling that goal.
It forced me to realize, these on-line comments are not serious, they are the manifestation of someones inner psyche, and they would likely never have the balls to say that to my face... Even if it was in them. I get... Physically affected by comments... Yes, twisted up into knots.
Does that make these, humans, more advanced than I am? To see this in me?
When I was growing up, and perhaps this is true across this planet, you were to fit in, and if you did not to the utmost, you were discarded as nothing.
And, sometimes, I realize, with growing horror, that I am actually talking to a human.
I am not beyond admitting I am wrong and need to change things within myself, but I am also: not willing to violate my conscience (any more.) and fall in line with some bullshit I do not agree with.
There is a teaching that says, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And, when the student is ready, the teacher will disappear."
I think I've lost the point typing this.
I have the weight of existence on my shoulders, if it was only the weight of the world it wouldn't be such a burden. And, then I have to survive in and on this adverse planet.
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 23, 2024 4:24:01 GMT 9.5
Tundrawolf I wish you well. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes Stewart
Thank you.
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