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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 4, 2024 13:48:04 GMT 9.5
Well, fuck me,
I was browsing, horrible artwork, (imminent_death) on my anthro porn site, and like other art, I hated it, I hated all of it, it broke my heart, however- it was healing, because, it reminds me of how I betrayed myself to similar things, due to self hatred. SO, having compassion on those, suffering animal people, helped me have compassion on myself, and to get healing.
Aversion therapy?
Well, in it, I began to see more of the dark side of animal people, perhaps in other sides of the universe, and how dreadful they can be.
It exposed a lot, I did not think about, all I have is, a love-spell cast over me, for a beautiful wolf woman, who is attractive, and whom I share a heart with. I have been love-drunk for her, as humans can be, mixed with my immortal side.
It is helping me, see what humans see in these, anthro peoples.
Well, it's also lifting a veil from me, of the love drunk part of it.
I endeavored, to go as far as I had to go, to recover myself- including hating the animal people. It seems as if the cruelty of what I experienced at the wolf sanctuary, has lead me here. I am unsure if my "groups" did this to me... To wake me up about the angry wolf girl??
How then, did they think I would react? Taking what I love?
These experiences are only making me thirst for revenge. However, looked from another perspective, my life with the wolf girl may have been terrible and ended horribly. So, they "saved" me from her?
I still, love her.
I want to gain healing, and I do not want to hurt her, but I also do not want her to be used as bait for me, either. All I know is that I love her.
The hell else am I supposed to do. I regret not having alcohol
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 4, 2024 13:51:25 GMT 9.5
Am I going to hate them... I doubt it. I guess you could say I am sobering up. As, canines were my only source of love and connection, a canine-human hybrid would be best for me.
I began to understand, why Angela, (Annah, also Asrael, for a brief time.) would be the superior mate- she is a fucking fighter, she would not let any of those horrible things happen to her, or to me. I wondered, why aren't they fighting? Why are they complying? Is it a herd animal thing? Well fucking fight back!
This makes Angela very appealing to me. She is big, and tough, and won't be taken advantage of. Good for her. Kick some fucking ass. I hope she is doing well. I hope, I can be with her in right relationship- and to improve her life. She hasn't had an easy life.
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Post by tundrawolf on Sept 7, 2024 13:26:40 GMT 9.5
Weird...
I am emerging from the love spell, cast over me for wolf and animal people
from being totally, madly in love with them and seeing them as forms of divinity, to, seeing the crap that humans see in and about them
it has been, sobering, and the irony is not lost on me that alcohol is helping me see the truth
well, my heart is also healing, however, the strange thing, is that now that I am sobering up about them, that that allows me to love them, but better, in a "real" way, that isn't clouded by, "heart eyes" for them
weirdly, falling out of love with them, helps me to fall back in love with them, just, more grounded in reality
going from, "they can do no wrong" to realizing, they can be really shitty people
well, the merciless brutality of nature, is within the animals, and mixed with human intellect, they are capable of horrors, some of the ones, "left ot themselves" on the outskirts of where they are civilized
this is why humans should not venture out into the lands that are wild, unless they are heavily armed or in a large group, or under the protection of a powerful dynamic
do I still want to live with the wolf people in antarctica, sure, why not. I like the way they smell, actually. And, I am part wolf
things are looking up, I am aware that I am on a sort of, sinusoidal modality of healing
my primary issue I can perceive, is a lack of energy, such as, my former ego/self is passing on, and I was using "his" energy to get through life, but he is passing on, and a new me is emerging, who is finding himself in a body that has trauma, is struggling, and seems to be on a downard spiral
I told a woman at the dog park, if you zoom out neough, you coudl describe me as,
"a very mentally ill man who is wasting away as his life crumbles" which is a typical, method for "becoming homeless" I see how this can be, maybe soem homeless just say fuck it- and lose everything in order to just... relax. have no worries that are created by struggling in the "rat race" and just rest.
am I one of those... perhaps
I have been trying to, cultivate humans to motivate me- mostly exes, lovers that, maybe coudl support me, so far I have regretted it, but I am still moving forward, the idea of moving back to Caifornia, (nice weather) and going completely on social security, disability- the woman asked me, if I qualify for disability, I was going to tell her, I should have been on disbaility, twenty years ago, certainly before I worked myself into a hospital three times
well, we'll see
i did tell her I grew up in a cult, which si true
she asked which one, I struggled for an answer, some form of Christianity, she asked if Mormon I said no
well, when you are in my position, you look at your false beliefs, and end up, being astounded at how fervently I believed wrong things,
and no I am not out of love with the wolf woman I saw in the obe, in fact, I feel bad for her, I sense conflict within her, because she really, wounded me bad, and now she realizes I am no longer the guy that hurt her, once, and she is like,
"Well, fuck." and is sort of, "Hands off" of me
If I were face to face with her, and I can feel it- she is still wounded, herself, I would treat her with dignity, love, and respect
I do not think she would be willing to live with me, as I sense, she would feel like my slave (again)
I hope she is in a better place, I know things are going as well as they can, even given all the drama and pain. I sense, that she is worried that, if I achieve a positive stature with her, that she will bem "Sucked back into a relationship with me" so she remains adverse- to push me away
that's okay. I will detach, and heal.
putting my foot down and refusing to be a victim is helping
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Post by paul on Sept 7, 2024 14:51:23 GMT 9.5
W... when you are in my position, you look at your false beliefs, and end up, being astounded at how fervently I believed wrong things,... ... When I first studied economics, I would observe an action I was about to take and examine the assumptions. On a daily basis I was amazed at what stupid things I believed. I had incorporated the beliefs of my parents and teachers without knowing that I was doing so. How could I be honest in myself when I was not able to observe what I was believing? Being able to observe beliefs generally requires operating on more subtle mental subplanes. We operate above the mental substance from which the beliefs are formed The lowest mental level is 5.7. When 5.7 is controlled the human knows that the mind is an instrument to be used. ... Before 5.7 is controlled there tends to be a belief that freedom of thought/speech is the highest good. With control of 5.6 the mind begins to open to the realities of life. The world is no longer seen in simple polarities e.g. capitalists and socialists. With 5.5 the rights of man are cognised. It turns out that most human rights are only social conventions. The right to dignity, however, is genuine being based on the flame of Spirit in the human heart. On 5.4 the human begins to know the nature of life and hence have some sense of higher purpose. ... 5.3 is the lowest subplane of the soul body. With its control the human begins to function as a conscious cell within a greater being and thereby is much more capable of cooperation with other true brethren. 5.2: awareness of the link with the greater mind. One of the characteristics is being able to distinguish a home-grown thought from an incoming thought. This skill is critical to cooperation with higher forces. The link to the greater mind can be made more active at will. 5.1: Willingness to be at one with all. This is the point of maximum isolation for the initiate - having broken free from emotional and mental bondage the initiate experiences separation from humanity. The initiate is stuck at that point until he or she changes from willingness to a Will to be at One.... With: - control of the mental plane substance within the light body - accumulation of sufficient light body substance on 5.1, 5.2, 5.3 and 6.1 - resolution of personal karma (cleansing of the light body) - intent to move from isolation to union - other factors including cosmic cycles and group karma the human becomes eligible for the 3rd initiation. |
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