Minor Ttracted Person oh my god

[tundrawolf]

Well, I thought I did an honest self assessment of this subject, and it turns out- if I am honest and open- that I failed.

In this journey, I am having to address pretty much everything that makes me up- and to separate what is in my carnic ego, societal programming, genetic issues, parental programming, weighed against human history, genetic manipulation, and the past of the human race on, and in cases, in this planet.

Why I had to re-assess this?

Earlier this year, I was (somewhere, walmart, something.) and I had a feeling to look up and I did- and I saw a young girl (Maybe 12?) and immediately, I felt a sexual connection with her- to the degree I had to look away, due to shame.

What the fuck?

Some things.

*I have never masturbated thinking about a child

*I have never been attracted to a child- at least, directly. When the woman came to live with me with her kids, I caught my, "carnal heart" saying- she is going to be very beautiful (She was nine.) when she gets older- and that I probably could not "Keep it in my pants" with her, when she was older- perhaps "Under 18".

Strangely, when I was breaking up with her mother, she said, "Dad I love you." I said- "Yeah, honey, I know." She, then immediately after said- "No, Dad. I LOVE you!" And immediately, I felt stricken in me- my thoughts of her attractiveness- were read by her, and were digested by her inner being! Whoah

*In no way do I want to harm a child, outside of necessary discipline.

*I am not attracted to children. I do not look at a child and think, "Wow, I want to get laid with that."

In my inner being- I honor, respect, and am attracted to- people my age. I value maturity. The immaturity in children, makes me angry, and moves me to violence with little filter.

Most humans acknowledge, people who were molested- tend to perpetuate an attraction to children (Sexual.)

I was glad- even thanking God that I was not afflicted with an attraction to children, like my friend in high school- who it was discovered- was obsessed with children and had printed out, actual pornography with children in it. I told him after this, that I wanted to kill him, while looking him in the eyes. (Because of the child porn.)

I mentioned uncomfortable things, and it has been, studying, "Cub" art- which I am not attracted to, however, the universe directed me to force myself, to weigh it against what is in me.

And, I discovered- yeah, there is that in me.

I wanted to know WHY. WHY was this in me, when I am attracted to people my age, and older- a woman I was trying to date at the dog park, is likely older than me, or very weathered and my age, yet I am attracted to her quite a bit.

Well, without exposing every detail about this, with maybe one or two stories, my inner child- began to speak to me. He told me, he was supposed to evolve and grow sexually- right along with me (though he remains bodily, a child. "Inner child" is an accepted idea with present day humans.) He told me, he was raped and beaten and broken along with me, when I was a child- though I have no concrete memories- and maybe it's in me- I do not know for sure- though if I had solid memories I might act violently against those people, and end up imprisoned because I killed them (justly) for what they did to me- My inner child showed me, his sexual development was arrested- and he, desires sexual healing from someone his age.

I began to discover, there was indeed a deep need in him.

The thing he wants, is a very specific situation, where there is mutual attraction, it is ethical, no trauma is transferred, and the younger person is in control (Out of attraction.)

Alright

He is aware of the dangers of it- it is not something I think it is wise to do- especially given the legality of it.

Some things- there are present day tribes that, when a child begins to express sexuality- the proper adults take the child aside, and show them about sex- which would be strictly punished within "Civilized' society, yet is accepted within those tribes. The child does not retain trauma, is not harmed, and often go on to live normal, positive lives.

I was watching a youtube video, about anal sex, when I began reading the comments- and someone responded, saying, they were 50 years old, "adult", and that, when they were younger- I assumed, a minor- their stepdad had anal sex with them. This person said, he enjoyed it, it was a positive experience for him, and that it helped him accept himself, and was a fond memory he had. I assume, they were in some sort of quiet relationship together.

Without being too perverted, I began to wonder, are we doing our children a disservice by not showing them how to make love- which ca easily become perverted and corrupt and a transfer of trauma, but, is it always an adverse thing? no sane adult would say, it is always a bad thing.

People were talking about the NAMBLA organization, and I thought (I was still, against any sexual contact between a younger and older person.) what study it would be, to interview the younger people, when they are older, and to assess what, if any harm, was done by engaging in intimate relations with an older human.

A couple things, and in no way am I trying to advocate for "Pedophilia" in general, I think humans are still too immature to make concrete statements, but then again- that sentiment goes both ways.

Most children who are traumatized- are done so in secret, and private- so the laws wouldn't have helped them, anyway.

When exposed to sex, if a child or young person is not ready, it can create nymphomania, and adverse sexual fire. The potential risk of harm is very great.

I am not sure where the line is.

If there are healthy adult/young relationships, they are kept secret, likely, forever, as the young person understand if they talk about it- it will endanger the person they are being intimate with.

A lot of projection issues prevent humans from evolving in this arena.

Two things I actually regret, having gone down this path. And as I said- I acknowledge it as unsustainable, nor do I have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with a young person. It actually makes me sick, in my throat, and/or gut to even think about it.

1. When I was around nine, I think, I was at a sleepover- with perhaps 5 other boys my age. At some point during the night, an older boy climbed into my sleeping bag with me. He began touching me (Sexually.) however at the time I was living under parental and societal condemnation of homosexuality- and I began to protest, when another boy- beckoned me to his sleeping bag, as he would protect me.

He said,

"Knight rider will protect you." I felt, such a desire to be submissive and to love him- which is odd because he began touching me sexually- when I think, I got out of his bag, and went back to my (now empty) bag.

However, reviewing this experience with my now openness- I actually deeply regret not allowing the first (or second...) boy to be sexual with me. It could have been a positive sexual experience for me, that would have helped shape my sexuality today- but, instead, I adhered to my, religion (Which I regret, more each day)

2. While I was in high school, I idolized (As much as a broken teenager could.) my english teacher. He was tall, fit, and good looking. One day, he reached out ot shake my hand, so I shook it- and while I pumped it, he caressed the inside of my palm with one of his fingers (Covertly.) I remember, ti sent an electrical shock, that anchored in my feet and toes, went up and down my spine, and anchored deep in my anus. I wanted him- but my fucking religion prevented me from acknowledging it. I never told anyone about it. (Aside from here). I so regret not having sex with him, in a romantic relationship. I would have been, the nastiest boy-slut for him. And, obviously, he was attracted to me. God damned religion. I regret it! I was in 9th or 10th grade.

A part of this, after, there was a flamboyant gay fellow student- which I eyed with religious suspicion- who, in art class- touched me- never said a word to me, I didn't know his name- and an electric shock anchored firmly within my anus- if there was a "gay" spirit- it DEFINITELY entered into me. I was, essentially, helpless against it.

The terrible irony was, I was slowly slipping into drug use, to numb myself form my childhood pain, that I eventually got expelled anyway, ALSO WHILE, selling hard drugs, to an older man, who was bisexual- who I would hang out naked with, in his photo studio, and, "Mess around" (But rarely had actual sex. I did have sex with his friend, though. Another huge regret! HUGE! His friend wanted to love me again, but I was so condemned by my religion I turned him down. God damn it!

So, that is in me. I am grateful that I narrowed it down, to my inner childs sexual development.

Due to the laws, and etc, it is obviously wrong to "Pursue" it- and I am strangely conflicted as, it makes me sick to think about it. Further, when I am prompted to view, "Cub porn", I usually feel more, repulsion to it, than attachment- I either feel sick about it, OR, I want to protect the child in the art.

It also is adverse, that children are attracted and drawn to me. Part of me feels like, I need to get wealthy and just move out to Alaska and live my life out, out there- only having sex with wild animals and bears and such (Only half kidding. I get how dangerous that is, but when I drink, I think everything is a great idea)

So yeah.

*Sighs.*

I also knew a guy who I went to church with, who was a bit of a gangster, who admitted he had shot at people, who told me he once slept with a 15 year old girl. He was, muscle bound, tattooed, and "Scary" so I think he knew he could talk about it.

He told me, it was the daughter of his girlfriend at the time, the girlfriend was out shopping, and her daughter, was naked, bent over in her bedroom, waiting for him- so he just took her up on it. He said, "She was naked, waiting for me, many men would have done the same thing." I had to admit he was probably right.

Further, it is common knowledge that within Islam a sexual affair between Muhammad and a 9 year old Aisha is accepted as Muslims as, "The most beautiful love story of all time."

I wonder where the healthy line is drawn. I certainly know, that age 18 is not a magic age of sexual maturity. I knew a guy fresh out of prison, 64 years old, who was literally a child in an adults body. I would not say he could consent ethically to sex- as he had never grown up.

Well, alright.

That said, I do not want to really hear about how great it is, either. I am not pursuing it. It is not something I want in my life. In fact, I generally want to be healthy about what I do. However, I no longer automatically view it as knee-jerk adverse. I allow for some healthy relationships.

I also am aware there was a lot of child-sex-experimentation on communes of the seventies. It did not seem adverse- but I could be wrong!

If I had a child I would be adverse to someone wanting to be romantic with them. Due to the immaturity of the human race, and potential to damage my childs developmental trajectory.

So I am not being judgmental about it- as I realize, many humans do not even acknowledge their inner child- and so the inner child runs their lives. I think a lot of minor attracted people who struggle with that- have not made distance between their egos, and their inner child. If they were to develop a separation, it is possible, their inner child could find satisfaction, without being obsessively attracted to children. I have known a handful of people "hopelessly" attracted to children- and I am deeply grateful that is not something I have had to struggle with.

Well, there it is. I am unsure of what the future will hold for me. Only, that acknowledging this is a step in my healing and right relationship. How much of what is natural are we denying? Or should be denying. Further, I believe that in ancient times, the parents often "taught" the children about sex, often while, "Mom" or "dad" was away, it was accepted, common, and there was no harm done about it (usually.) It was just what was practiced at the time. I think my issue is, if my heart memories are correct about my parents, it wasn't the sexual contact that fucked me up, it was the ruination they had to cause me to keep my mouth shut. Maybe I was just a perverted little boy and needed to be beaten half to death and shamed to keep my hands off my parents bodies. It's possible.

So this was not comfortable to write. =)

[paul]

> I remember, it sent an electrical shock, that anchored in my feet and toes, went up and down my spine, and anchored deep in my anus.

It seems that anal intercourse is popular because women are generally not taught to use vagina muscles. Thus the male seeking greater physical sensation may be interested in anal intercourse including with women.

Such is the nature of sexuality in many men - physical sensation is the goal.

It seems a somewhat arbitrary decision to give surface Earth humans physical sexuality. Was that a deliberately derogatory decision?

Jun 13, 2022 7:06:28 GMT 9.5 paul said:

Meditating this morning and taken to a vast cavern about 500 km below the east coast of South America.

The cavern was well lit - from a diffuse light on the roof far far above. There were neat rows of plants in fields and the people seemed very pleasant and happy.

I saw a women's group teaching and I asked to see the birthing process. I was shown an etheric child being moved straight out of the mother's abdomen and then it drew and was provided with substance to form a dense physical body. A group of adults stood around intoning to assist the accumulation process. The child could stand unaided after a few hours.

Then I wondered about spiritual development and was shown a group of young people, quite refined, but all with a block at 5.4 - the top of the personality thus preventing soul (solar angel) contact.

It seems that even those with etheric reproduction can be arbitrarily constrained

Who then, can claim their innate authority?

[tundrawolf]

Aug 28, 2024 16:59:27 GMT 9.5 paul said:

> I remember, it sent an electrical shock, that anchored in my feet and toes, went up and down my spine, and anchored deep in my anus.

It seems that anal intercourse is popular because women are generally not taught to use vagina muscles. Thus the male seeking greater physical sensation may be interested in anal intercourse including with women.

Such is the nature of sexuality in many men - physical sensation is the goal.

It seems a somewhat arbitrary decision to give surface Earth humans physical sexuality. Was that a deliberately derogatory decision?

Jun 13, 2022 7:06:28 GMT 9.5 paul said:

Meditating this morning and taken to a vast cavern about 500 km below the east coast of South America.

The cavern was well lit - from a diffuse light on the roof far far above. There were neat rows of plants in fields and the people seemed very pleasant and happy.

I saw a women's group teaching and I asked to see the birthing process. I was shown an etheric child being moved straight out of the mother's abdomen and then it drew and was provided with substance to form a dense physical body. A group of adults stood around intoning to assist the accumulation process. The child could stand unaided after a few hours.

Then I wondered about spiritual development and was shown a group of young people, quite refined, but all with a block at 5.4 - the top of the personality thus preventing soul (solar angel) contact.

It seems that even those with etheric reproduction can be arbitrarily constrained

Who then, can claim their innate authority?

There is another aspect to anal sex, that only a recipient of it can attest to (Such as, hearing about the Philipines vs living there.)

It is one of the most deeply intimate sexual acts- as the potential for injury, and even discomfort after becoming experienced in it- it involves a large amount of trust, knowledge, preparation, understanding, even connection- none of which are necessary for vaginal sex. The tightness of it, yes- but also the bacterial content of decomposing feces adds an element of additional heat- and as I discovered during my first bestiality experience- the higher heat can add a phenomenally high degree of extra sensation and added pleasure.

it also, is a way for both a man, and a woman, to get off and enjoy sex- without bringing a life onto or into this world.

It is truly, possibly the most deepest sexual intimacy that ca be had- the wonderful positive of it, is that both men and women can enjoy it similarly.

I recall, the first time my ex fiancee pegged me, I had two simultaneous, lasting orgasms- it was sincerely amazing- and, then, riding the wolf-person shaped sex toy, I had an orgasm last so long, that I literally forgot I was having an orgasm (not used to them lasting so long!) and only through anal stimulation.

It is my belief that our designers, intended for this. It is also a reason a number of human men are terrified of being homosexual- partly due to the belief of being forced to depart from the comfort of women- and also the terrifying knowledge that taking a dick may actually be far more pleasurable than penetrating a woman (It is. But bisexuality is often forgotten for the extreme of homosexuality. They can enjoy both. The fear is, the have to do away with one, which is simply not true, unless that are completely unattracted to women.)

I am learning to not only claim, but to see my innate authority- the most recent event with Ladywolf, has shown me, my own negativity in areas I thought were "fine" but am not- and, also, my true purpose and intent are beginning to unfold (I can see it.) I believe this may be where you have been guiding/directing me.

In spite of it all, I still love and cherish the wolf girl. I have deep, deep feelings and connection to her- and only wish to do what is right by her. I do not want to, "lose" her nor do I want to forget about her. I hope to, one day, see her face to face.

I also understand I have an entirely different calling.


There is also the idea that, there are groups that wish for men to ascend with higher sexual and bonding functions with one another- and to mature out of a strictly binary understanding of sex (Such as, if two guys have sex, they are automatically labeled as gay, when, it could be, just two "Dudes taking care of each others needs" and does not have to bring with it, some misguided notion of an automatically exclusive homosexual relationship.)

I have consistently observed with human males, that men are not often pushed to look deeper within themselves, and often remain shallow beings, driven by an urge to mate. In fact, in browsing "Dating" apps, trying to get laid- the lack of maturity and depth of the men, even gay men, that should have a deeper root in themselves, is often so disappointing, that it honestly disgusts me. I think the ancient Greeks had a positive idea, that sex and sexuality can be a fluid thing, that anal oral or other penetration does not lock one into some idea of a homosexual relationship (Trapping them, essentially.) One thing I also see is that, when I "Experience" one man, I immediately want to experience another- I do not stick to one partner usually, and this is common- is it to experience as much pleasure with as many people as possible, until I find one worth cohabitating with, or for another reason? If I did find deeper connection, would I not, remain there?

There seems to be, a pause and barrier with human men presently, but it also seems to be eroding with the emergence of the newest generations, who embrace a freer lifestyle. Often, this can lead to emotional dysregulation, however, the freedom they gain as opposed to the oppression I was immersed in as a child, is positive for me to see (I have faith they will work it out.)

Sad, that we may return to a theistic society, at least in the USA. It would be a huge step backwards, especially given what I understand about religion now. However, it may also be a necessary step backwards, for humans to re-gather their roots. Any more I have learned to "let it be" and focus on myself, and my own positivity. There is also now a wolf girl, that I am connected to, who is showing me new ways that I was not aware of, in order to improve (For her sake, and- also for my sake.) So, okay

[tundrawolf]

So, I am exploring this issue.

I was looking at the cub art, and I was prompted, to focus on the being I was looking at. Young, obviously.

I was asked, "Is he worthy to be loved?" My first knee jerk reaction was, no!

However, as I began to wrap him in my understanding, I began to realize- oh my god he did deserve to be loved. As, I focused on this, I began to see, myself, at that age- completely unloved, neglected, hated, even.

And, I took that into myself.

it is a sort of regression therapy- but my inner child, is not wrong, it is healing. It is healing the source of my self hatred. Interesting.

[paul]

Aug 28, 2024 23:57:56 GMT 9.5 tundrawolf said:

...when I "Experience" one man, I immediately want to experience another- I do not stick to one partner usually, and this is common- is it to experience as much pleasure with as many people as possible, until I find one worth cohabitating with, or for another reason? ...

That is a good question

Oct 3, 2014 7:27:34 GMT 9.5 paul said:

...

I knew a woman who at one stage complained to me that while having sex with a somewhat disturbed (possessed) man, she was aware that the entity transferred to her.

The entity may actually have spawned because the original host still had it as far as I could see. Spawning is a common mechanism for contagion of sexual abuse - hence the abused become abusers.

Anyway the entity would get her to steal money from the laundry she ran, to buy cigarettes for people. Her complaint was that 5 minutes after she stole the money, she could no longer remember having done it.

The entity was editing her memory.

Such entities seem to have no limit to how much spawning they can do through sexual activity of their hosts

[tundrawolf]

Aug 29, 2024 9:10:33 GMT 9.5 paul said:

Such entities seem to have no limit to how much spawning they can do through sexual activity of their hosts

Believe it or not, after i indulged my inner child, the desires have begun to melt away. Reason and logic come to me, and it just doesn't make sense any more, combined with rational assessment, it does not hold up.

I think a better thing to say is, my inner child's development was, "Minor attracted", but once I allowed him to explore it, we both ended up agreeing it's never something I would pursue or want to pursue.

I am actually, pretty god damned relieved. I felt a weighty sense of relief as I allowed the process to take place fully.

I do not claim to be sexually healthy or some paragon of sexual and mental wellness.

If that's not clear by now...

Well, I was doing more regression therapy, (Pushing my intent and consciousness, back into my childhood.) and my beingness began to change- I was able to go, "back".

I discovered! There is an agreement I entered into, somehow, as a child- that allowed the event at the wolf sanctuary to take place. I basically, agreed to be destroyed!

When did this fucking happen??? What were the circumstances??

As I push towards it, I have the distinct feeling this is where all my problems began. If and when I heal it, I believe it will set me from from the oppression I have been experiencing until now and set me free to liberty.