Trying not to care about anything

[tundrawolf]

I realize, that I have been torturing myself, via the programs placed into me, parents, society, religion, etc,

I have been stressing myself out. For... Nothing.

To, strive and suffer in a world that hates me, doesn't care about me at all, and only views me as a source of labor to benefit the top earners, while i languish in poverty.

Fuck it.

I don't care any more, and I am trying not to care at all. I have enough money to last, maybe, 2 or 3 months, barring I do not get any more work.

I have been, over-stressing myself, forcing myself to work, forcing myself to act out of fear, lack, and worry

"Getting to be comfortable with the worst case scenario"

Which is, surrendering my animals, becoming homeless, surrendering to "Mental illness" which, ironically, is the truest form of sanity: non-participation in a self destructive system that hates individuals, and only benefits 1 percent of humans, who themselves are so caught up, not even they find meaning, and often commit suicide

Well, it's holding up a sign (as I once did), making enough to eat, and one day, buying a handful of handles of alcohol, and just checking out, surrounded by nature

Life, it seems, is on a precipice

I have a, "Feeling", about finishing this, vehicle I am building...

I'm not actually going to do it.

It's not going to happen.

Just a feeling.

I don't care.

The events and circumstances surrounding my life, presently, have culminated into a looming tidal wave of overwhelm

I sat outside, with the mom dog, giving her attention, staring at the cracking caulk between the tin and the door of my mobile home, wondering if, committing myself to some form of psychiatric care, and getting pumped full of medicine until I am, a "functional responsible adult" who participates in society while I am on drugs that deceive me (As I have been on before, 8-12 different ones, they were all bullshit.)

Or, just give up

Let what happens, happen.

I can always surrender my dogs to a shelter, there is a good one, just down the road, and just... Melt into nature

Get a sort of, practice of, living in the wilderness, a solar panel and cell phone, maybe some bushcraft, until one day I make the decision to transition into the next life, there isn't much else i can do

I find more freedom in giving up than I do fighting a losing battle

Then, there's the extreme oppression I surrendered to at the wolf sanctuary, that I am having to deal with every day

I am just too tired. I had some major breakthrough with it, recently, and being positive, and it helped, however it feels like a drop in the ocean

I'm don't want to continue to participate in the system any more, for any amount of money, it's just not worth it

I will, if perhaps I have the opportunity, I am forced to, like everyone else- under duress

Even if I "Make a lot of money" all that means is, I am still a slave, but with polished, shiny shackles

I cannot do what I want.

I don't even know what that is.

It seems like this life was fated as an exercise in futility, what am I learning, here?

A depressing thought occurred to me, that, there are unfortunate souls out there, crying out for physical bodies, to experience life as a human- only to do that, and realize- there is not thing that is, "Worth it", as a physical body you want to be a soul, as a soul, you want a physical body

The connotation of this is beyond horrendous. There is no god

There are only leftover AI systems that have partially friend brains, echoing and doing this, over, and over, and over

You know what? I think I am too burned out. I think, I have used up all my energy. All my happy juices. All of my hope. There may be more if I fight for it- but why would I? For what reason?

I find the idea of having a human mate, and bringing a child into this life absolutely morally repugnant

Like, being a slave, captured in a slave system- and making another slave, to be absorbed into the enslavement system

This is repugnant! I cannot do it.

My goal: to build a flying machine, perhaps multi rotor, and fly it

To, spend as much time in the wild in this vehicle I am building, if possible

Perhaps, to "own" a small cabin in the wilderness, somewhere. I hate the cold.

That's it... Outside of that, even having a human mate doesn't really appeal to me, outside of empty biological/spiritual "fulfillment", it's just leftover bullshit echoes of a failing AI system of attraction.

I told the potential employer, I was deprived of a healthy mind, then double fucked and deprived of a healthy sexual way of coping with it

How can such human evil, not only exist, but thrive?

Well, it's a dumb fucking AI. Leftover by the ancient of ancients and controlled by evil morons that enjoy torturing life.

The fuck reason do I have to want to continue to be ground up and tormented, here?

Some worse fate? It's six of one, half dozen of another. This way is more drawn out with some things to make it exciting here and there, but the end truth, is that this is a prison.

Yeah- you may get your conjugal visit, but at the end of the day, you are still behind bars

Oh, and the only reason I have had for pushing on, Angelwolf, is in a bad situation herself- does not respect me, does not like me, and is only invested because she has to be. I am not angry with her, just, heart broken, as heart broken as I can be with such a wounded heart

[tundrawolf]

How many lives do humans have to live before they end up realizing this in the end anyway. jesus, what a fucking crock this whole thing is. How many poor souls are sucked into this, only to realize, they were tricked, by an uncaring system of endless cruelty and horror.

[tundrawolf]

Two funny things.

The 19L vessel I bought to hold the liquor for my final passing from this life, I am discovering- is actually the best case scenario, not the worst

LOL!

And, the only thing anchoring me here, is my heart attachment to Angelwolf. She is the only reason I would every return to this retched place. And, I probably wouldn't want to do that. I would try to push her to get some closure for herself

[tundrawolf]

I was going over, the idea that I could, "Make a lot of money" possibly with this, thing that is happening, and i was thinking, though, why?

What, does it change?

The end goal is the same.

Me, living in the van, in the wilderness, drunk, and existing.

If I was a billionaire, it doesn't change anything. I:

Don't want to be around humans, (Even recently, some human ape got angry that I do not police my puppies poop and dumped some in front of me. The thoughts that went through my head, but, if I sent him to the next life, then I would be in trouble for it. Hilarious!)

Want to be in nature

I cannot go to Antarctica, and even if I could, would I want to? Where would I belong, in this, "Paradise", that has a similar ensnarement/enslavement system

Even if I become, successful with whatever this new thing might be, it changes nothing.

Weirdly, I see going the buddhic route, of surrendering to nature, as the highest and most freeing

Participating in a system of slavery, no matter how lavish, is still a system of slavery