Internal, foundational update, Positive!

[tundrawolf]

Yesterday, I took a nap, as things have been atypical, with puppy wrangling, and again I was confronted with the difficulties leftover from the attack on my being, when I lived at the wolf sanctuary, 25 years ago.

Well, I began to try new ways of coping, of dealing with it, of trying to be healed, to be free of the torment

I realize, the forces that attacked me, did so with my permission. (In exchange for a sexual favor/ exploiting a deep emotional need and wound in me. I was willing to give it all up for it.)

Well, I began to approach the subject from a different angle, not the "Way the oppression system" provided me- which would likely result in physical death (That is the point.)

I began to see, another way- in fact, my thinking was intentionally limited- it was the perfect trap.

I have been employing the, exercises, and positive thinking, that Paul has been helping me with.

I observed, and felt, some major break-throughs, and disconnecting from negative programming.

This morning I woke up, I drank less alcohol than usual, (As I heal I need less alcohol to numb the pain of the trauma) and I began to feel these, areas of my beingness, that were being pulled back inside of myself, and healed.

In short, I am beginning to see, my conquering of this, adverse system that I have been a part of!

This is, the dynamic I have been longing for, this entire incarnation.

Of interest, was Paul saying to me, "Why do you put up with that?"

And it was not the items that made me think, but, "I have a choice??"

I began to apply that, to my situation, more, and more.

It is beginning to make sense.

The momentum of my victimization is beginning to turn- and forgiveness is indeed a part of it, even forgiving my "enemies"

What struck me, were the implications.

What are they?

Living in a clean area. Taking better care of my body. Not abusing alcohol. This, is perhaps the beginning of this new life, I have been longing for- it seems as if the foundational change was the catalyst needed to begin effecting a momentum that attached to a timeline with a favorable, and beneficial outcome.

[tundrawolf]

So, I had some leftover vodka. I calculated the time to sobriety, it was within an acceptable window, so I poured it into my beer vessel. (Approx. 7 shots plus some leftover beer)

I began to drink it, and decided to go grab my coffee glass, from my van, and returned, to drink some more.

After getting comfortable on my bed, with the puppies (Their food ran out yesterday, I need to go get some more today, hence the "window") I took another chug or pull of the vodka, when suddenly my body began rejecting it.

Rather than fighting the urge, I went with it- and threw up the remaining vodka, and the leftover pizza I had for breakfast.

I found it interesting- is my body, finally seeing some hope for a future- and is rejecting the alcohol? Most likely that is exactly the case. So I allowed myself to vomit up what was in my gut, embracing, the new positivity I am seeing begin to grow within me.

Well, that also means the shopping window also begins earlier, as I poured the remainder of the vodka out. Could this be, the start of a new beginning?

[tundrawolf]

Wait, you mean, I actually have a say over what I want? Over my future? over my own destiny??

This has been one of the most rewarding realizations that has come to light as of recent.

These things were robbed from me, as my parents forced their will over me, in order to maintain their own comfort

I recently heard a podcast, of a father, speaking of his male child. He said, he allows his child to do anything he wishes and does not discipline him whatsoever. He asked the audience, what did they feel was the outcome? He said, his child, is the most moral, outgoing, helpful, empathic, kind, generous, loving, person he has known. Rather than, beating your children into submission, he is choosing to allow the child to develop from their original (divine) design.

I will say this- while I would not change "anything" i have had to endure, as it made me stronger, the question I asked- why not burn my skin off of my body to endure that agony, to become even stronger in will- the universe asked- do you want to go through that, when you have the option of avoiding it? The answer, of course was yes- i wish to avoid that!

It would have been better, all the same,l for me to be born into a happy, healthy family, rather than an adverse and ignorant one, and to have a happy and fulfilled life. I do not complain about my present circumstances at all- as my connection with Angelwolf, is more divine and energetic than perhaps I would share with a human woman in a right relationship. If not, then, for Angelwolfs sake- I choose her. There are a number of legitimate reasons why, not including my heart connection with her, that makes me a bit of a hostage and slave to her, which sounds adverse, but it is like being in a love spell- you wouldn't wish to be out of it. Still, I do honor myself first- which invalidates any feelings of, wounding the connection for fears that I am not living up to my potential. Leave the wolf girl alone, I love her =)

[tundrawolf]

It is the progression from childhood, child-like thinking, to teenage awakening, in order to walk in adulthood (Maturity. Right relationship with self. Regardless of her choice- this is the best version of myself, for her, and myself.)