One of my problems...

[tundrawolf]

I grew up in absolutely fucked toxic religion.

My mother, would not let me watch cartoons, because they had "Glowing eyes" and, "Glowing eyes were of the devil..."

Meanwhile she admits my father began beating me when I was 3.

I was taught, anything esoteric was true "Satan worship", so I avoided it like the plague FOR FORTY FUCKING GOD DAMNED YEARS

So, now, when anything pops into my mind, if the origin has anything to do with any spiritual entitiy I have become familiar with: I just go with it.

Recently, some turmoil has arisen around Angelwolf, who:

1. Is the most beautiful woman I have seen in my lifetime,

2. Completes me via the heart

3. Shares a heart with me

4. Is my dream woman (A cryptid, I did not know cryptids even existed until I saw her with true eyes)

She is:

1. The reason I keep fighting (I know Paul would have me have myself as that reason, but I am not there yet, I am trying)

2. The reason I keep going (A reason not to self terminate)

3. A goal

4. Someone to fight for

When I had a fiancee, she was being pursued by human traffickers, who wanted her, and her two children, I took them into my home, and kept them safe, took the kids to school, and stood tall- I had a reason for living, a purpose- keeping them safe!

Even if Angelwolf, does not like or want me, which very well may be true- but she also does not seem to be willing to tell me to go get fucked and leave her alone, either

Recently, as in 5 minutes ago, I was feeling distressed about her, when a voice came to me, that was attached to Angelwolf:

"So you are breaking up with me?"

Instead of just accepting it was her and answering, I instead grew a little upset, and panned back, and saw: the voice wasn't her at all.

So, I did not answer,

What is her, really?




That is the source of the confusion around her.



I am also not completely certain that she is not a "past time" version of the antarctic wolfess with the white fur and pink skin.

Which adds to the confusion!

I am preparing myself for various things, and trying to stay positive

[tundrawolf]

It is possible the entirety of the thing surrounding Asrael/Ladywolf/Angelwolf/etc were designed to ensnare me and wound me.

That doesn't change the way I feel about her, even if my emotions are one sided.

I cannot, not feel the way I do about her.

Still, in earnest, I am trying to release her, so that she can no longer be used as a weapon against me.

My spirit is in pain doing this.

Part of me hopes we can meet again, under better circumstances, or some other resolution, but as Paul showed me, I have been trapped in the oppression system for some time, in "Spirals of endless heartbreak and tragedy" even in past lives, and Angelwolf may just be the most recent one.