The other side.

[tundrawolf]

well, last night I realized the money is running out.

My ad that normally brings me endless work, has not had a hit in a long time.

I bought alcohol, which helps me face reality, and it was rough.

However something else began to happen:

As I browse "Furry" artwork, I began to see, "Furries" through the eyes of "most" people- perhaps even with a twinge of "reality". Such as, accepting the limited animal-form mixed with the human part.

I know, it is only necessary to accept these things.

I see why many humans see them as adverse.

More things opened up, such as the absolutely brutal way some of the anthro peoples treat one another.

I lost a lot of romance for them last night and this morning.

And, that brings me to Angelwolf. In the interest of being intellectually honest with my circumstances, there is a part of me that is enraged at her.

There is a part of me, that wants revenge against her.

In spite of her imposing frame, I wield the power, even physical power, and she seems to fear my ability to telekinetically.. torment her. (Such as, use my will to manifest things to cause her suffering.)

I do not want to do this.

It is taking significant effort and strength to push away from any desire to harm her- and to keep her safe.

I also began having visions of reptilians and their space vehicles, and memories of them victimizing me as a human (in my space ship)

Petty things, like bullying, getting in my flight path. Like, really, really- you are going to act like a child? Is this, the pre-school section of time and space? For fucks sake. I do not know what to do about it except to become the most terrifying force in existence, to punish these childish acts with such extreme horror and force that they are terrified to every do it again, lest they face unstoppable obscene wrath. Is this why I am here??

It was disappointing, and in those memories I felt helpless. (They had larger ships. It was so incredibly disappointing to see that, bullies existed- my heart wanted to believe because they had superior tech, that they used it responsibly- not so!)

I spoke with Angelwolf this morning, and she did admonish me, (It was a help.) to remain positive, and in good spirits. I told her, if I lose control of myself, to disappear- and I gave her an out, a sort of black void where she can hide from me. (I intentionally manifested it so I could not find her. Previous to this she truly had nowhere to go to hide from me.)

I also began to connect with Annah, who revealed a lot about herself- mainly, her personality- which, is rather forceful at times (Such as some women can be.) She did reveal, she does indeed really like me, and has deep feelings for me. She grew a but demanding, as I do not want to "pit" my wolf girls against one another. I refuse to say one is this way or that above or below the other.

Part of the horror of the attack I endured at the wolf sanctuary, was my will was stripped from me, and my destiny was made to wound or destroy the things I loved, namely Angelwolf, Annah, etc. I am seeing, other terrible timelines where the girls... Are gone.

So, it is taking work, and effort, to preserve them and keep them safe, and it is more torment about it all. Because I love them so much. They mean everything to me (Essentially)

I saw myself, in another timeline, deploy the claws I was gifted, and annihilated an entire group of anthro peoples who offended me. (They were, cruel/adverse, taking advantage of weaker anthro peoples. So I killed them all. Every last one of them. My only regret was I did not get to slaughter more of them. This is what scares me. A scenario of, "I will not stop until I am stopped." What do I do about this?) I, sliced them into pieces and I did not let a single one live.

The thing about murder is, if I ever begin it, I probably won't be able to stop. I have so much anger over my past, and even today, I am realizing, the people who are to blame are the previous generation, they are evil because they are stupid and selfish, but they are destroying the quality of life for literally everyone else. If people woke up and started to grow angry with the boomers, and began killing them, I would probably dance in their blood, that is how angry I am growing over it. I know it is not their fault they do not have the mental capacity to do good for others, and only think of themselves, however, that does not change the fact that they are destroying everything, for everyone, and my generation needs to get in. I was told, my generation has been kept down for a long time... it's true... And now I am again facing destitution. (I thought I had more money than I do, but I knew it would run out, eventually. After the meeting with the boomer who wanted a quote for work, I realized how they are truly keeping my generation down, selfishly. Truly, I would applaud any violence against them. I hope more people wake up and begin TAKING power from them. So they do not destroy the future for everyone else. It sucks to be caught in the cycle of, weak people making hard times. Ironically, if I were to tell any mental institution about the fact that I have visions of wolf girls and have found myself in an interdimensional outer space battle with various alien and god entities, they would definitely put me on disability. As, trying to willingly allow myself to be humiliated as a prostitute in wage slave service to this realm is degrading to a degree that is hard to even put into words. I have been asked several times to kill people for money, and each time I declined, however, a part of me is beginning to entertain it. I almost went to work for the cartels when I was in a low point last year. I am trying to remain positive, that something will work out, as it seems to, all of the time or usually. And, to try to suss out the lessons so I do not have to repeat this.)

However, my hope is, in giving Angelwolf and the other wolf girls love and divine connection, that this comes full circle, as it seems I am disempowered, and facing new struggles- and I am tired of struggling and fearing. I get close to the wolf girls, things are looking good (Usually relating to money fears?) and then the pendulum swings the other way and I am worried about losing them all over again.

I am so tired I just want it to be okay.

I told Angelwolf, I wasn't sure if I would want her here, with me- but then my spirit showed me, if she was here with me, we would be together- and there for each other. She would boost my spirits, and give me  reason to keep pushing on, as women have tended to do for me in the past.

There is a part of Angelwolf, that is rooting for me- and deeply wants to see me happy and succeeding. It is her good, maternal, wife part, the part that is not bent by the oppression system that took hold of her, or took advantage of her pain.

My hope, is that the divinity, comes full circle, and grants to the animal people, their own sacredness, similar to what humans feel they have. When this happens, I know it will "rescue" me, too.

So, I will go get dog food, and some wine, and collapse into the comfort of alcohol, but it will probably be the last time, until i find some work. I may have to whore myself out (Trim my beard, which is a part of my journey, allow some fuckface to dictate how I look) to some "regular" job. Maybe that is what I "need", but the humiliation of this realm is vile. However sometimes that humiliation can bring about positive change

So, now I have a new battle, the battle to overcome my deep down anger against the wolf women who were part of this violence against the various versions of myself.

[tundrawolf]

The transition from an overly romanticized version of my understanding of animals and animal people, into a more common to humans view of them, including an adverse understanding of them.

(Admitting that the animal side does take over and cause them to act violently, rapey, insane, or just... dumb.)

(no, I am not attributing these things to any of those I am heart connected to. It is possible they are the exception. They are extremely intelligent and also dangerous because of it.)

When an animal begins eating another animal, the trauma they both experience is immersed in their DNA, and can come out when attached to a human personality.

This is likely why the door to animals was closed-off millions of years ago- they were unable to manage their animal side properly.

If there is going to be a way for them to manage this properly without losing their animalness, my sincere hope is, my decision to give Angelwolf life from my Being, and it coming full circle, will be the thing that helps animal kind to achieve this.

My spirit (gut area) is hopeful for this, if I can detach and let go and release, then it will be grated to me in divinity.

Another thing of interest, I was going to make another thread but there are many, in my living in squalor, and God telling me not to do anything about it until I was ready to change, and me, earnestly waiting for a sincere motivation or desire or opportunity to change, and trying, multiple times to begin cleaning the place up, but each time, listening to my gut- which was adverse to this- I am beginning to relax, to accept- in the way in which I have been living.

I feel like, this is the beginning step to the life I actually desire- not a life desired out of trauma, or lack, or fear, or fear avoidance, but one conducive to my very being, or beingness. It feels, "Good"

Also, I believe that this animal-acceptance of the adverse aspect of animal people, is also the beginning to a well rounded understanding and acceptance of them in truth, and reality.

It does not change, the way I feel, whatsoever, about the wolf-girls I am connected to. If Angelwolf wants to sit on her butt with a goofy look while she scratches an itch with her foot claws like a dog while wearing a goofy face, that is perfectly fine. Or sniffs my butt, or embraces her inner derp, this is all good and fine. Embracing them soberly (With right understanding) is part of this process. It is just uncomfortable to me to face the reality of it. However it must be done