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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 1, 2024 6:03:00 GMT 9.5
This morning and today have been a massive shift in my journey out of the place I have been in.
It started with the puppies and mother dog waking me (I attributed it to the OS) early in the morning.
I ha e been suffering from many, many frightening heart palpitations. Sometimes every other beat. For a week!
I basically resigned that I was going to die.
So, when I set to sleep, I felt it was a matter of life and death. So when I got woken up I was furious. I struggled when the thoughts of destroying the dogs.
I ended up moving them to the bath tub where they were much happier and the mom feels much better feeding them.
I did sleep about five hours, had a long continuous dream, where I cut some guys arms off, but apparently they healed, and the guy who told me my mother raped me and had been trying to kill me my entire life via suicide, but he kept saying "balls" so often it made me angry, as it had a spirit of pseudo - homosexuality.
I woke up and tried to go back to sleep, while I didn't go back to sleep my body began to go back into circadian rhythm. I have not been in circadian rhythm for probably a year. Sometimes staying up for days at a time where my Being resets.
Perhaps my heart palpitations were my heart resetting, because I feel healthier in my heart, the first issues being in my childhood as a heart murmur and then my heart attack on methamphetamines.
Anyway, I began to see that my self protection is so inherent that everything I do stems from it.
It buried itself so deep in order to protect me.
However, it us also making me miserable. Because you cannot be still, or restful, or happy while in crisis mode. Not for long.
Anastasia and I have reached a milestone, but being separated.
I admit I have to detach from her to heal - yet I still love her deeply.
I explored my connection with her, and found that her and I are from the same origin, she is my other "half" eyes that origin is shrouded in darkness, probably because of the os to torment me over her, which is remarkably effective means of torturing someone, especially someone traumatized, with their other half.
Other, more healthy connections are returning to be with Anastasia, it is likely she returns to me healed, healthier, and better when I get her go- precisely because she is my other half, from the same or similar origin. Even to my mother. A pure place.
I had to, keep holding onto the second of three visions I had starting March 11 2021, where I felt Ladywolfs and Anastasias hearts beating in my chest, and completing me as a man/human.
I had to hold onto that feeling, recalling how the wolf women made me feel (complete, fulfilled, satisfied...)
But I did.
So, I decided to work on this job of replacing the engine in a UTV. As I go about the shop, considering my future, what I should do about this van, and listening to my spirit.
My spirit tells me not to be afraid.
Some, fucking guy who told me he shot his dogs to death, but who my dogs like, asked me if I wanted to selly BMW motorcycle. I told him no and walked away. I was pissed off about it. He probably thinks he can get it cheap. So I said no, fucker!
I am trying to reconcile that my spirit wants to remain in my home, in bed all day, until time ends. Fuck everything else.
So, how do I reconcile that with, the reality that this fallen, broken world requires people to be work and do things they do not wish to do. Am I living in a utopia in my soul, a place I am from.
When the guy asked to buy my motorcycle (I am going to lock it up now.) I could FEEL his predatory nature, and I could feel him, feeling my gentle, kind spirit, and he wanted to take advantage of it! It makes me furious.
I also felt something, I stoked within me, a rage, a viciousness that is my "defense/offense" mechanism... I was told it is not time to stake my anchor here as far as violence goes. That, I need to hear more and become more well adjusted.
I do not know what to do about my mother. I think I need one more talk with her about the horse and etc. My spirit is comfortable with selling my things, and setting out on my own.
Even though there is some security here. I can attain temporary security at various places with cameras, motion detectors, and signs, and blockades.
Is this the security in me talking? To feel safe?
Of interest the heart palpitations happen after masturbation, and usually after drinking. It sucks that I cannot find relief for my urges or my heart palpitates. I do not think it palpitates when I have sex with another living thing, only myself.
Does Anastasia have anything to do with it, maybe, possibly, certainly? I don't know.
If I have learned anything from Paul it is that she is just as much a victim in this as I am.
A bit scary, intimidating, bristling with violent lupine energy, but a victim, nonetheless.
A tall, hairy, sexy victim.
Anyway today was momentous.
It is difficult to, honor my spirit which tells me not to be afraid, as it feels like I am intentionally falling into a volcano when fear would protect me, and walking into it anyway.
What will be the result?
I know the result I DON'T want, and that is more of the same!
So, I press on.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 2, 2024 14:43:26 GMT 9.5
So much has happened I cannot catalog it all.
A pattern is emerging:
I let Anastasia go, in order to work on myself: I get healthier- Anastasia struggles, suffers with rejection- though it helps when I verbally reassure her that I still love her- that I am not letting her to to be "rid" of her (not at all, in fact I am doing this, in a way, to find myself- but also to find her, and to be a better man for her!) And then I also learn more about her (See her past, her beliefs, her history, her personality.)
One thing I became aware of, is: When she nibbled on my guts, it opened the gates to Wolfenkind, wolves, canines, and I was able to willingly give them life and love, from my experiential near death experience- something that feeds them to this day.
I also discovered it is an active thing, as I am endeavoring to grant them all of the access to Love that they want, need, and is good for them.
I have come to understand, that, the reason why I am having to pull away from Anastasia (And is being exploited by the OS to torment me.) is because, when she nibbled on my guts, her Being integrated with my own!
THAT is why she is so intimately close to me, we are, in a realm, merged together.
I asked why this is, and the answer was, duh- dude she is a wolf.
Wolves eat living things.
She was just, acting like a wolf!
I granted her more of my Humanness today, going as far as I could go, and if she chooses- she may in her evolution- choose to become human.
I much prefer her wolf form, for many reasons, some of which are, if a Wolfen woman walked up to me and asked to be my mate, and a human woman did the same, chances are I would pick the Wolfen woman, nine hundred ninety nine billion times to one. I just have a bad taste in my mouth with humans, although I am growing better about it, I have a heart for the wolf.
As I retract from this whole ordeal, I am back-granted access to my humanness, the humanness I lost after the attack on my soul, or the trauma I suffered at the wolf sanctuary.
This is bringing up all manner of confusing emotions, things I have not "felt" in decades, old assumptions, old beliefs...
I merge them, with my current situation- and I ma bale to integrate Anastasia into them. I had to re-summon the experience, when her heart completed me, or the wolf-girls' hearts completed me that fateful morning, I wish I would have written it down, Anastasia said I may use March 11 as our blessed anniversary.
I re-summoned the experience to re-integrate it within my being, after experiencing my past self's beliefs- I was able to give him the wolf girls heart, and that experience.
I bring Anastasia with me on this journey- so that she will not be left out in the cold, it is difficult, running two timelines parallel, and being emotionally invested in both.
But as I said, if I do not strive for this, and do the difficult things, I do not want to take a chance I will regret it later on in life: I want to give Anastasia all that I am able to- to honor her, to know her, and to love and appreciate her.
So, it is due to her Being and my Being, merging together- that gives me instantaneous access to her thoughts and emotions- and hers- to my own.
She demonstrated it today- and it is frightening fast how she is able to piggyback my Being, and see what I see, hear what I hear, feel what I feel- and comment on it, when I turn my attention to her Being within me.
This is likely why I am so tormented over the fear of losing her, because, she literally completes me- every deficiency I have ever had- she has, filled it in and repaired it with herself.
Can you imagine what that means to someone as broken as I am/was.
And, she is the woman of my dreams- hot as hell, sexy, attractive, just the glimpse her direction, takes my breath away, with how magnificent, powerful, and beautiful she is.
And, she is enamored with me, it almost hurts to find out how hopeful she is, that I will be her guy- though she showed me today she has little fear I will not be with her, shortly.
I also see what Paul is trying to tell me, to put myself first, to love myself first, to become one with myself.
Because, the opposite was true, Anastasia and the wolves, were my everything- and I put them first in everything- denying myself- now that I am embracing myself, it all feels so much better (for me.)
Anastasia is taking it well,i think she understands although it can feel lonely- that I love her- that my heart desires her, and that- technically- to make her the happiest- I have to be happiest in embracing myself.
I asked her if she could tell the difference- and though she did not fully answer me, I felt, her agree that it was indeed a good thing (But hard for her to go through.)
So, it is getting better for me.
I am discovering more about her, and it is good. She shares a lot in common with my mother, which is sort of difficult to accept- but there is a reason she is in the position she is in with my life.
Also interestingly, my labor, has become easier, and more ordered, in this job I am working on. Methodical and less tiresome/weary.
I am also going through my experiences with the attack on my soul, and whatever iterations of myself exist that were, captured, or subjected to various torments, and attempting to go back and correct those things, as technically i gave them permission to do them, as Paul said, i do not have to suffer if I do not want to, and I do not want ot, so I am trying to get back and get healing and freedom for my different parts.
Unfortunately, as I continue, this also anchors me to this planet, which is not something I want to do, I have not had a good time here, the only reason I would ever stay, is for Anastasia. (If she wanted to stay.)
There is still healing left to do, but it appears to be falling into place.
Also about my living conditions, it appears as if things are beginning to fall into place with that, too, though I lack the energy to clean it up.
Things with my mother are also steadying out, as I take-back my power from her and her OS sponsors. I am being freed up to make a break, and move on with my life.
I am also becoming less cruel. Perhaps if was a phase designed to break me free of my old beliefs, that were hurting, or limiting me. I see anger often is a protection mechanism.
But I am glad to be less cold hearted and cruel. I am also glad I allowed that phase of my life, to work itself out.
While I am finding tidbits of happiness, the reality is, I am becoming more "free"
It is entirely possible, that Anastasia and I, are bonded, for life. For lives... Forever. (If we want.) That maybe I am disconnecting from ehr in this incarnation- but the next, I will be with her fully, to hold and be with her. This is the desire of my heart. To be her mate. To be the guy that holds her hand and walks through her door with her.
The guy who loves her- who is so in love with her- who cooks her food, massages and cares for her body, who cannot get enough of her.
The man that is in love with her.
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Post by paul on Mar 2, 2024 16:33:40 GMT 9.5
>who cannot get enough of her.
Does that leave enough space for her to be what she really is?
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 5:13:49 GMT 9.5
>who cannot get enough of her. Does that leave enough space for her to be what she really is? Who is she, really, as you see her? I will tell you what I discovered, after reading this: I found one of her primary sponsors is a spirit of voracia, a voracious spirit that lives to consume, and to eat. It resembles a large orb, with a mouth filled with shark teeth, that takes up approx. 80% of its surface area, and large, red eyes that appear to be angry. So, I took the spirits hunger away, satiating it finally- which I later realized, in its world- hunger is its only motivation to live- so I essentially damned it do die. I did not return its hunger to it. Anastasia- felt this- and she was released from it's hold on her, but she was transformed into a form of innocence after this- Similar to my mother, now, she once was empowered, and powerful, being a wounded child- and now in her old age, she is laid bare, and is reaping what she has sown, however, at her core, she remains an unmature, traumatized little child. This is, perhaps, why, Anastasia, me, and my mother, have been a trifecta that has plagued me. Because, of the maternal bonds, and my own, devious trauma foistered upon me by humans, mainly my mother and father, and others, it has created emotional wounding and "needs" that, unbalanced Anastasia readily filled, and with supernatural attraction and precision, such as only her ancient people could fill within me. So, i struggled with Anastasia, as the perfect entanglement, the perfect trap, i see more and more, has been sprung on and in me. I desire to be free, but in order to do this, I must wound the woman I am tied to, via the deepest heart connection imaginable: the beautiful, mysterious, and powerful wolf-woman Anastasia. I also see her pittilessness, which is inherent in the predatory species, as the lion does not stop to comfort his prey as he eats, he only eats, with no regard to the moans and screams of his victims- such is also true for the wolf people. This is hard to deal with, as it makes Anastasia particularly cruel and emotionless when it comes to my own suffering. It is not her fault. She is a wolf. I was working at the shop yesterday, and my mother, stopped next to my van as I was eating lunch, and she, said she had something for me, she offloaded probably 17 cans of soup. However, when I got home and cooked it, my stomach was made sour by it- it was the OS/ her witch self that had cursed those items she gave to me. I see, deeper and deeper, more and more, the curses on and in me, because of these familiar bonds, and in the spirit- due to the wolf people and other sorcerers, etc. An old wolf-man came to me today, and told me, I had much to learn. Perhaps he is a sponsor. I am wrestling with all this bullshit, financial ruin, a drying up of the labor market where I live, impostor syndrome, wondering if I will even make it through another month. I am such that, i will be homeless and lose everything before I sell anything. God has forbidden me to sell anything, so I follow his instructions, though I told him a few days ago TO GO FUCK HIMSELF for forcing me to remain here ON THIS RANCH. And to BE with these PEOPLE. He again, reiterated to remain here, for some time, though I have, at least, been partially authorized to begin selling things off this coming July. I am so sick of, and done with, this place, but more than that, I will lose os much security leaving here, and venturing out into the realm of humans, my fear-mind plays endless movies of horror over me, and the vileness of the human race. This has been a retched timeline, filled with curses, sorrow, and horror. The only thing I can enjoy is that, my malaise has been exposed by the OS, and rather than being an unwitting slave to it for God knows how long, I can finally, begin to do something about it. Maybe I did this to myself, so that I would set myself free, an action by my higher sponsors? What a fucking wretched place this is. Anastasia and I danced, fought, and battled one another yesterday, and it was a dark day for my heart. For her heart. I know she loves me. I know I love her. In spite of it all. Can I say the same for my mother, no, I have an instinctive, and growing rage filled loathing for my mother- though I admit she is, essentially, guiltless, a stupid, insolent, foolish, victim, and cruel little girl. Her boyfirned/whateverthefuckheis, told me yesterday, he told her, to HIM, my mother is: Cruel Evil Vicious Sadistic I agreed, CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING RAISED BY THAT VILE CUNT CAN YOU? CAN YOU??! And, having it be sexually attracted to you, all alone, as the father works, and what her cruel hands do to an innocent, pure hearted little boy. Why would I be angry at a victim? How could I not be. I exerted my authority over the wolves, as they were hoping I would be easy prey, a pushover, someone who would just lay down and let them feed. Naw- I am exerting my full authority over them now. I don't want to harm them, but they need to feel the kick of the Elk against their skull for what they did. Nature works both ways. I am still, sacrificing my own healing, at least temporarily- for Anastasia comfort- so she does not feel me ripping myself away from her. What will come of her- of us- I do not know. We are out-of-phase. She, nibbled my guts, causing me shock, while she fed she felt great- while I was consumed- I was in cosmic horror. So, as our natural cycles perpetuate, we are diametrically opposed to one another- while being bonded deeply at the heart. The OS loves this, and uses it to constantly frustrate and cruelly oppress me over it. Anastasia is all that I have. Many other, even wolf-woman have come to me to take her place- but none come close to the bond she and I share. Unless you are suffering as I am, you literally have no clue what this is like. Maybe someone elses struggles can come close, but this is beyond words- still,i am cogniscient not to hurt Anastasia- And I say this, because I was unwittingly torturing her my entire life- even enjoying causing her suffering- which is why she has been so guarded against me. Before you worte your words Paul, that morning I had a vision, of an incensed Anastasia, standing, and me, her human- she had lifted lips in anger, but, I braved her bite, and I touched her softly- as comfort- and approached her thus, and gently, but warmly, firmly embraced the snarling wolf girl, smelling her scent briefly as I embraced her, feeling her softness and warmth, those teeth glinting in the light, and my heart connecting with hers- It was in those moments our spirits connected- and I put her comfort above my safety- She told me she had not felt that loved (I am not adequately describing the vision, too much has happened since then and I needed time to formulate a reply) since... her father, who was perhaps the most significant figure in her life, before, I believe, he perished in one of the kings wars. One of the reasons she was all too happy to torture her king. As I sacrifice small levels of healing for Anastasia- so that she will not be wounded- and has time to deal with the separation fo myself from her- I lay hold of greater healing, and refuse to compromise, to lose myself, to these dynamics I am discovering are adverse to my being. However, I also refuse to rip and tear Anastasias heart from my own- and continue to desire, in my heart- to be her man, and her, to be my girl. I say man and girl, because I am becoming a MAN, fully grown and matured- and she, Anastasia has this EXACT-same journey to go through, IF she wishes to join me. SHE is still a girl as well! She never recovered from so much childhood heartache, and like my mother- remains trapped in her girlishness. Ha, she hates being compared to my mother- she says she would NEVER do to her children what my mother did to me- well, she has that at least going for her, and granting her that moral standing. Funnily enough, my mother, when I told her about the vision of the wolf-girl, and that I named her, Asrael, she said, DO NOT SAY THAT NAME IN MY HOUSEHOLD! LOL!!! If you only knew the names of the demons that infested you, you would realize you are not worthy to speak even that name. Anastasia also, kind of, wants to be named Asrael again. She liked that name. It had a lot of power. And Anastasia is a powerful, intense woman. Not many males can look upon her face and not turn away instinctively. She is the picture of intense canine feminine energy, bordering on the masculine- with fiery red-golden-yellow eyes, that only grow more searingly intense the closer you get to them. I saw a meme on youtube, and it rang true, "A lot of people, sacrifice what they have, in hopes of something better, and losing both- gaining nothing in the end." I see this- with my own mother- and how she eschewed a GOOD man, a good boyfriend, whom I had weekly sunday chats with- an aerospace engineer, we talked about a lot of cool things, engineering, aerospace, and such- who rebuilt the ass end of her 1 ton dodge truck, out of the kindness of his heart- for a man she assumed was more religious- and she ended up losing BOTH men. I see this- and the wolf-woman who come to me, to court me- and in the end, I realize, the only proper choice- is Anastasia- and how, in my heart, I endeavored, to honor my relationship with her above the other women and girl, and males etc, Beings and spirits- to honor Anastasia- though I am on my own journey of self discovery- it is my honor to come to Anastasia, when she is ready- to hold her hand when she herself embarks on her own journey of self discovery. She has requested I do not fuck with her Being any more- disabling the voracia that was attached to her- has caused a significant change in her Being, and though it is a change for the better overall- she acknowledges- it is like being spiritually bitch-slapped hard enough to push her into another timeline. I felt this, and was warned about it, during the events, though I did not understand why, until now. I just want to... Go into her being, and "fix" her fully- but that would not be of her own will. I would be making her a slave to my will, moulding her into "my" perfect woman, and not a woman who has worked to honor her own character. Who has done so by her own choice, her own volition, her own will. Perhaps I did it, to make myself safer with her- I do not know, but I do know, being known as voracious, vicious and cruel and always being hungry, can be adverse. As I struggle with my own, universe of adversity, I became entangled in my dogs rope as I was walking them this morning, and I fell, growing ENRAGED, as the puppy wanted to play, thinking I was playing, and the husky, took it as an opportunity to sass me, and I grabbed the huskies face, and with teeth gritted spitting, I hissed some hateful words, and the puppy, thinking I was still playing and not ENRAGED, continued to try to play until I pinned her down on the ground by her throat, with some viciousness, as she cried out- i did not relent- and untangled myself- I cooled myself off, but then plunged into a depression after Anastasia saw the whole thing, and when I asked her how she felt she said she did not feel safe with me because of it. Though my dogs forgave me, and both came to cuddle with me on the bed after, my rage is an issue with Anastasia- if I have even a fraction of the abilities and powers I have, it terrifies her- and I must endeavor to become more in control, but this rage, seems to have a mechanism, by which, IT IS ONLY TEMPERED WHEN I RELEASE IT OUT INTO THE WORLD. Pushing it back only frustrates and gives it more power over me. What am I to do bout this? I have no idea. I am in the house waiting for it warm up to go outside. I have decided that I am going to do as I planned, and begin liquidating things, but with no plans to leave the ranch, until it is time for such things. There may be other reasons to staying here. Though I hate it, it is likely necessary for further character development
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 5:43:29 GMT 9.5
I am also embattled over the issue of loving myself.. I would not have allowed myself to come to so much injury or torment had I of had an iota of self respect, or self value...
It is a battle, where the enemy has been walking all over me for so long I am used to being victimized... And finally standing up for myself, i am encountering much resistance, however, I also know that these things the enemy is using against me belong to me in the first place!
What a fucking time
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Post by paul on Mar 4, 2024 6:58:41 GMT 9.5
> I would not have allowed myself to come to so much injury
Long ago I did a re-birthing exercise and as I came forward to 18 months before my birth, I burst out: It is not my turn!
I was not pleased with being pushed in too early to an unready planetary system.
Perhaps you have to take one for the team also
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 7:15:52 GMT 9.5
Something funny, I have access to "my" timelines, any number of ones where, I have died of an overdose in my teens, to suicide as a child, to massively successful, to even oligarch.
It's funny- I watch engine building videos on youtube, people getting old machines running again, etc, machinist videos, because I absolutely love working with my metal lathe, and I see many younger people in their twenties and thirties who I know are successful, because their gen X fathers did not have the trauma and struggles I did, so they went on to be successful, and passed that on to their children- like I was shown recently, my parents- mainly mother- succubus and robbed me of the energy I needed to be "successful"- robbed of a wife, children, and a career...
I saw this guys shop, probably mid to late twenties, and I noticed his air supply plumbing on his wall, looks like he used PEX, easy to work with, it's mostly what I do to plumb homes, and something went up into my heart, and showed me, the next level timeline "me"- he had his own shop- and in his shop, granted- "my" shop is on a leased ranch, not really "mine"- but this other me, he had HIS shop- and HIS sponsor said,
"Look at the other you! Rotting away in a mobile home, no shop, no wife, no kids, no career- NOTHING! Be GRATEFUL for what you have, YOU COULD BE HIM!!!" (ME!)
LOL
I am being used as a horrid example for the other me's- and truly, he looked at me, and he was horrified.
I know:
In order of success:
No shop Your shop is a garage with 120V Your shop has 240V split phase Your shop has 3 phase (Big success! Big money, if you have 3 phase as a hobby from the power grid you have $$$) Your shop has 3 phase 480 (Going passed hobby) Your shop has 3 phase 600V (Industrial, hobbie merged with career)
The shop I work with has 240V split phase. We have a horse arena with 3 phase with wild leg. We accidentally hooked the wild leg to a trailer and it blew many things up (177V vs 120V it was quite loud and fried many things) because the breaker box isn't labeled, and cowboys wired it, using green wires for hot leads and causing an arc flash in my face, i should have realized, morons wired this, and to test everything and not assume they did anything correctly!)
Anyway wow, I am an example of how bad things can get. That's pretty depressing
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 7:17:58 GMT 9.5
> I would not have allowed myself to come to so much injury Long ago I did a re-birthing exercise and as I came forward to 18 months before my birth, I burst out: It is not my turn! I was not pleased with being pushed in too early to an unready planetary system. Perhaps you have to take one for the team also What do you mean burst out? You may be right I hope that in spite of this horror, I can have a good life with my wolf-woman, and enjoy it with her as RECOMPENSE!
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 7:37:20 GMT 9.5
If what has happened to me happened to another, they would be likely sufficiently thwarted, or, have been nullified through suicide.
I have inserted one of my keys into one of the cylindrical locks that eliminates life from this planet, and this was after I cast my vote to agree to eliminate life here (Not all AFAIK, just some, those surrounding me.)
I only cast my vote with the caveat that, if the human race does better, in the future, that I will withdraw my vote for termination of this iteration. It is not a firm "yes or no"
I see a timeline where, Anastasia decides to divorce me, and she does- and goes on with her life- but she realizes later, that she misses me- and she dials me up, and I agree to return to her- I think during this timeline, she, and I- are finally in sync
I am doing my best to give her freedom, without injuring her, and giving her time and decisions to make up her own mind according to her heart. I would almost certainly never vote to destroy her. Unless she was harming me and unreasonable, but I would try to make her sleep, rather than terminating (deleting) her. I would do everything I could to not have to destroy her.
But some versions of her are very angry.
And they are hidden from me, and possibly part of why I am suffering so much.
Paul, a youtube video was above your reply when I posted the last one and all I could see was, after posting my post was, "Perhaps you have to take one for the team."
And I saw myself, in my completed 4x4 van, just enjoying the simple things, out in the wilderness, food, and alcohol, and being contented with that- no shop, no home, no career, no spouse, no children, just myself, being alone, and finding some semblance of joy, happiness, and contentment in my vehicle.
Maybe that is to be my fate, here. I know this magical horse would solve all of my issues, but to rely on the kindness and generosity of my mother is like relying on Hitler for mercy as a Jew.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 8:04:39 GMT 9.5
I feel like I have passed a milestone in my life, it is concurrent with my age "harvest" (reaping/sowing phases in life.) where I have come, "Over the hill" concurrent with age forty.
Perhaps age forty-two is significant as one settles into it.
I also became aware of something else:
One of my struggles is, my sponsors, or God, or whomever- refuses to bless me if I am in my current state of misery- and my struggle is, compounded, because now I must deal with, and heal my substrate, my foundation for living, in order to receive the blessings of the universe.
So my struggle is double, as most humans, have an established and accepted foundation, whereas I do not, my foundation was broken from the beginning, based on misery and bitter survival, of unhappiness, loss and being lost, and now, that I have found some semblance of adjustment, my sponsors want me to finish at least a decent foundation, so that they can allow some semblance of success into my life.
It is perhaps, my canines, are to be my family, and the puppies: my children.
This is acceptable to me. Humans would be better in some ways, but canines- as felines are with women- can fill a gap, although not fully like with a human.
However, some of something in place of all of something is better than none of something.
As humans are discovering, yet again.
So, I am to enjoy my van, my puppies, and my things.
It is perhaps, my mothers recompense to me, maybe I will not have the horse in my or her lifetime, but I am allowed to remain here, where there is a shop i can work in, to:
Finish the van Split my quad and turn it into a UTV Repair one of the minibikes Re- assemble my very first live-in camper van.
These things are endless joy and fun for me, and perhaps, when I leave from this place, the "harvesting" portion of my life can take place- I KNOW there are females who would LOVE to make my company, and young ones who could use me as a mentor, and perhaps a sort of father figure.
Perhaps I can retain my sovereignty with my canine family, as they grow old, and watch me find unity with other humans- possibly passing in contentment for me.
I was feeling bad about my behavior earlier, with the leash, and my puppy (She is a 50LB puppy.) was on the bed, and she was looking into my eyes, and I felt bad about how I treated her- but my heart spoke to her, and requested she see my suffering, and what I should do with it-
She spoke to me and she said, "I feel your sorrow- but I do not want you to exist (dwell) in it. I love you- and I want you to be happy- not sad. We are okay- it is okay. Do not beat yourself up over it."
Alrighty
So, perhaps sheltering in place is in order- and looking forward to my mechanical adventures is what can fuel my hope for the future.
My work attitude is also improving.
It has been a journey, and an adventure.
Have I mentioned how attracted to wolf-people I am
I pray my next life will be one of relaxing, and healing, and I hope, my hope is- it is in the arms of Anastasia- if she wants. Or, another wolf-person, or something- although I am not completely sure what is "best" for me, only that I am attracted to wolf people in this incarnation, very much so
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 8:10:46 GMT 9.5
I became aware of the idea that, accepting where I am at, being contented with what I have, embracing who I am, forgiving, and loving, and caring for myself, and being happy as I am is likely the best route to go. I consider myself blessed, to have the relationship with Anastasia, that I do- she is a blessing and a light to my life. I know how lonely I once was, and she is a wonderful help meet for my heart.
I have much to be grateful and thankful for.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 12:33:52 GMT 9.5
I have been dealing with a lot of fear lately. It has become ever-present.
Fear of finances, fear of this, fear of that.
A spirit attached to Anastasia, one of her sponsors or influencers came to me, and admitted she had done terrible things to me in the past. I told her- I forgave her, and today is a new day. Another spirit came and said- she did much the same as your mother- why can't you forgive your mother?
They made a good point- so I am further in forgiving her and letting it go, and embracing a new dynamic.
I think a lot of my anger, has been a self protection dynamic.
I keep pushing through.
My dogs came to me, and snuggled with me on the bed- and I felt a weight lift from off of me as our hearts and spirits became unified.
Also the newborns, it has become aware ot me, that they are a form of miracle... Of the forming of new lives! I got to witness new life being born.
And, one never knows, one of these canines- or more, maybe, could become the reason a human being does not commit suicide. I remember, one of my beloved dogs, one who passed, Barley Bear, I was in a very dark place, and seriously contemplating suicide, and a memory of him came to my mind- what would he do, if I died?
And, that was enough of a reason for me to eschew with those thoughts.
I think tomorrow is going to be a good day, I am possibly going to find out if this job I am working on will be a success, which will propel me into finishing the core of the 4x4 van.
And, if the engine starts, and it runs, then I will celebrate by buying a bottle of absinthe, which I just found out two hours ago- is available at a store close by! It will be my first time trying absinthe, I have always, always wanted to try it. 750ML of good reviews, for $20 USD. As a celebration! Nice and green. An Italien reviewer said to, pour it over a melting sugar cube (??) and it will help bring out additional flavors.
Absinthe seems to have an mysterious almost esoteric quality to it.
I am glad I am eschewing with my former fears.
I ma making good progress.
The key I saw, inserted into a cylinder, for the destruction of life, I traced it back to a different planet- a decaying planet, that is adverse to this planet. However, when the other keyholder came in to turn his key, I prevented it.
Perhaps this is why I felt the deaths of so many lives at the dog park- and bearing the weight of that "karma"- of destroying a planet with life on it.
There was another calling that came to me after refusing to turn my key (I told them, give them more time!) and it was one of peace, not of war and destruction. Of meekness, a gentle, quiet life, of solitude.
I can accept that.
When God told me to believe for the inheritance of this ranch, and the horse, etc, I am starting to see another destiny starting to form- one of, me remaining here, on this ranch, and beginning a different course spiritually, and mentally, and emotionally- but remaining here.
I see the benefits of remaining where i have security, and some peace- that I would not have on the road, or even living with my friends, two of which have offered to house me.
My third friend has unfriended me, hearing about my latest melt down, I gave him the option of "No longer being my friend" which he took rather quickly, and unceremoniously.
I figured, he was either unable to bear a burden with me, or was not really that friendly, or, perhaps, he needed solitude, to be with his new boyfriend, which he told me, was an issue with him, as I guess, he was slightly attracted to me, too.
Alrighty
It hurts, but whatever. I am a big boy.
My canines, have achieved a peace with me, they are forgiving, as in the pack, if a wolf is angry, they are catered to, lest they drag the pack down, and I am the alpha, the head, I feed them- what I say goes.
And the puppies, when I hold them, and my heart reads their hearts (Likely a side effect of sharing a heart with Anastasia, who is half canine.) I can feel their little developing souls, hearts, and minds, desire earnestly, to be with me, it amazes me how calm they become in my arms, and how attached to me, that they become.
I have purchased a silicone, multi-puppy feeder, in the event momma gets tried of their needle claws and needle teeth, her teets are already scratched by them and I can tell, a bit sore- but she is devoted to her babies- and they are truly thriving.
I was considering, making write-up of each puppies personality, ranging from tender Hannah, to curious Nugget, to brash Clint Eastwood, who picks fights and is already showing signs of being a good male protector. And their strengths, and possibly the type of human who would pair best with them.
I feel like, these trials, and not intended to vex me, but to grow me. Many people I have never met, tell about these trials persisting until we learn from them- it is so true for me- why should I believe I am some sort of anomalie in this realm. Why are we all sharing deeply similar experiences when it comes to the esoteric?
Rather than being vexed by them, viewing them as opportunities to grow, overcome, or learn, is much more useful.
These, negative thoughts that consume me and "make sense" are so ever present, it is like I am fighting multiple battles on many fronts, however I am fighting them and trying to remain positive. I have a good feeling about it, and good feelings are usually me, on a more successful timeline, on a similar path- when good things are happening for him, he is sending me, good vibes saying- IT IS GOING TO WORK OUT FOR YOU! DO NOT FEAR!
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 13:16:45 GMT 9.5
So this is interesting.
I had the suspicion that Anastasia (And the other involved wolf-beings, I think 8-9) has been with me, my entire life in this incarnation.
I have memories of my childhood, and spending time with this, little girl (I was a little boy.) and being attracted to her, but being so traumatized I could not connect with her deeper- and how there was a spirit of mutual attraction in the air, just a lack of doing anything as in this society the male always makes the first move.
Well, I was saddened by Anastasia, withdrawing from me, as I do what I am doing, and work on myself, freeing myself, and healing myself and loving myself- she feels, isolated and alienated from me about it.
Well, I summoned the pictures of her nudes she sent me, and other pictures of her body, and I felt her disconnected (Withdrawn) from me- and I asked her, not to move away from me, but she showed me, this is technically my doing...
And, she played some movies out for my heart, when the childhood memories came back- and she showed me, the attraction I felt for this little human girl, when I was a boy, was technically HER (Anastasia!)
Anastasia's heart was there in our midst, and the REASOn why I was so ATTRACTED to the girl was, Anastasia found resonance with her, and joined our spirits, as we communed physically, so Anastasia was there with us!
"That was YOU?!" I exclaimed, within my heart- and Anastasia said, "Yes."
No wonder I am so attracted to her. She has been the love of my life- my entire life.
And only now, have I found her.
I have some peace in my heart about it, but this matter is not just a simple cut and dry. I could be cruel to her, as I have been in the past, but knowingly- but I refuse to do it.
Now that I know of her existence, I am being as gentle as I can be, and perhaps, we may still yet dance into the twilight.
I have a feeling some alcohol may be involved, and Anastasia may do as she pleases- heartbreak may be in the future for me, but I have asked for her to have a good life, regardless.
Still, I hold hope that when I am sorted out, we will come together, again- though I am not giving up.
I love her so.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 22:53:52 GMT 9.5
I went through a series of exploratory events into the mind and heart of Anastasia this morning.
the end result was depressing, and disheartening.
There is a part of her, that simply wishes to fade away.
She has found, frustration, heartache, heartbreak in her life, with her people- and with humans.
I am, her last-ditch effort to keep her, to give her hope, and it seems as if my own struggles are preventing me from sustaining her.
This is, quite a complicated matter, and I know the right answer, is to release her, let her go, and to transfer love to myself.
This is part of the torment of the OS for me.
I have, compromised, and tried to give Anastasia, what she wants... At my expense.
And yet- I refuse to severe my tie with her, and to leave her fully broken and disheartened, so what is the answer... Is that the coup de grace that finally gives her the strength to end her existence?
I am tied to, a deeply broken, suicidal, homicidal wolf-person.
And yet- my heart cries out for her.
I still love her.
How do I let her go?
As we dance in the twilight.
What am I supposed to do with this beautiful wolfess.
In one vision, her and I are in a cabin, that was in one of my stories.
She is, dying, but not physically...
Spiritually.
I do everything I can, to keep her alive, to keep that light in her eyes.
She only looks at me with a hopeless look in her eyes, the light fading, her body healthy, her soul- mortally wounded.
I have been there.
I know what it feels like.
She has inflicted so much damage upon me.
In order to satisfy her desire to go into eternal rest, I am the final step in her life, to the end of her life- and I am holding on.
Perhaps the ritual of death and divorce is required here- if so, I will do it- she need only ask- with her last strength, and I will perform it.
She also has a heart for me- so it is self perpetuating, I love her, I desire her, she loves me, she desires me- but she is struggling, as I was once struggling- and I desire to sustain her, and a small part of her desires to be sustained.
I am being brave, and pushing forth.
My only hope, is that in the future, she and I meet again.
Better than ever.
Fully refreshed, healed, and rested.
In full synchrony.
Hopefully, we have not moved on, but if it is so, it is so...
There are others.
But, I want my fire-eyed Wolfess.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 4, 2024 22:56:56 GMT 9.5
It is perhaps and likely the yin to the yang...
The death of a wicked dynamic that has ensnared me- the negative- to the positive- the connection and feelings I have for Anastasia- they are one in the same.
Tied together, connected- like two wolves mating, making-love in the cool evening, under the gentle sway of the trees, moved by a sacred breeze that knows no end.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 5, 2024 10:04:32 GMT 9.5
Hello
Paul?
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Post by paul on Mar 5, 2024 10:16:51 GMT 9.5
?
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 6, 2024 12:33:09 GMT 9.5
Of course, I am remorseful
I wonder when I will finally be over this
I am, part-wolf.
If humans could observe all of our observable DNA, I would be, partially canine.
If I could caution people, dealing with the USA government, you will find them, pitiless, remorseless, and cruel
They will humiliate you at every turn
And rob you of your dignity
We were warned about this, and given guns to defend against it
Anastasia, came to me during my drunkeness, and comforted me
I have been distancing myself from her, to work on myself,
But, sometimes, I need her to be with me, I do not do well without her- similar to my mother
My mother is not pure evil, but she is ignorant, which is one of the worst evils
She came to me, to kill a "Chicken" (A rooster) that she had tried to kill but failed, it was in a bag
She wanted me to shoot it, however, there was no safe backdrop, the direction she wanted me to shoot it, would have placed the bullet directly towards five or six horse stables
So, I took out my Ka-Bar knife, and decapitated it, it took two "chops", but the rooster was already nearly dead, it's eyes had rolled back into its head
I was going to throw the head into the trash, and I went to pick it up but my mother grabbed it and threw it into the trash can, she asked me, were you going to stab the head?
A seemingly innocuous question- however thinking about it- it was decapitated, the head was no longer alive, there was no need to further destroy it
So, I began to think on this- this is something a two year old girl would say.
Jesus.
She is seventy.
Also, absinthe is a strong drink
I consumed the 750ML bottle, there were 4-5 drunk sessions in it, whereas, with vodka, only about two.
I also bought a 50ml bottle of "Genuine" absinthe with wormwood, it was 135 proof, whereas vodka is just eighty.
The Anise taste is strong in it, similar to licorice
I cannot help but self contemplate, how much of my being, is two-year-old
At the behest of my parents- perhaps this is why my mother attempted to give me a higher education, to escape the prison of being a child, however, her attempt was riddled with cruelty and bitterness, as that school she placed me in, was at the height of Christian cruelty
Which is one of the highest forms of Abrahamic cruelty, almost as much as Islamic cruelty
I do not know what to do any more.
Fear is creeping in, and I am tired of it.
I came to a, alcohol soaked conclusion, it is best if I begin returning to the Yurt, and to sleep in there, and possibly, to be consumed by an earth animal in there.
It would be a fitting end
Or, on the off chance, to make-love
I am told the daughter of Candy watches me, and is curious, and her heat may drive her to my door, as it once drove her mother to my window.
I hope, she has the fortitude to make sounds to alert me to her presence.
I am also aware, that Eden was not the paradise in the Bible, but rather, a genetic experimenting facility facilitated by the Anunnaki.
I am curious, as to the trap I am in, it is both bad, and good, something to be gotten over, an initiation, but also- a place of torment
All I want to do is get out, but it seems that, the only answer, is to relax, and accept, and let go
I let Anastasia go- but, she herself, desires to be "held" by me- and I desire to hold her.
The puppies, I try giving them water, but all it does is make them wet.
I am looking deeper into the inner earth realms where Anastasia lives, and below her beautiful feet, and it truly, can be a terrible place
I plan on, having an icon made or purchased, of Anastasia.
I told Anastasia, I was going to give her some Absinthe- as there is a spiritual drunkenness we can often share, when I am drinking
However- I failed to do it for her.
I was remorseful, except, when I came to Anastasia with my head down, with a heavy heart she instead lifted my head- and comforted me- telling me, to cheer up- it hurt a little, but she is not willing to discard me
As my mother would
I also failed to work on my job today
As I was drunk
And my time escaped me.
However, I will resume my normal schedule- which, I am beginning to re-synchronize my circadian rhythm, going ot bed at 1030 and waking up at some point. Was hoping for six, but that time eludes me.
My Husky, is doing well, as is the puppy, I wonder, some-times, in what shape (poor) I would be, without them both in my life.
They are benevolent canines.
I walked to the yurt, a bottle of vodka in my hands, as whiskey, tended to fend of the local wildlife.
The sun had set an hour ago, and the breeze was cool- but it was the perfect temperature for being nude- only the houselight on my porch illuminated the night.
I walked, on bare-feet, to the yurt, my ceremonial blade hanging by my side, as I stepped, my feet in the cooling earth- and hobbled my way to the yurt.
Plop[ping down on the old cloth chair inside, under the wooden overhang, I sighed, and took a swig of the vodka, then set the bottle down to my right.
I closed my eyes- and tears fell- though I did not fully understand why- while my puppy- forced her head out of the window- wide-eyed- staring, watching, listening- waiting for me.
I knew, if I made the slightest sound, she would tear the wooden bar from the side of the house, and come running to my aid- the husky too, probably.
They were my hairy nuggets.
I began to close my eyes- the weariness beginning to take hold of me- and closing my eyes, I fell into a deep sleep.
~
I walked up to the yurt, the scent of my mother still in the air- the same scent she had marked his belongings with, years ago- approximately five years, by my nose, heart, and gut instincts.
I scented the air- my tail swishing behind me- I knew i was exposing myself- which would have been a death-sentence in some situations- and I furrowed my brow- hoping my mother was right about him.
She still wore a scar above her left eye- where he had shot her- but she had told me- he was remorseful- and had invited her to his home.
I closed my eyes tightly, gritting my teeth- fuck, i was such a fool- but behind me, under my tail-hole, my inside burned, ached, and itched.
"God damn it." I whispered in my cat-language, smelling the deep scent of the human inside, who seemed to growl- but I had heard this sound under his window-
He was asleep.
Snoring.
"God damn it." I said, again, my tail swaying wildly behind me, as if he was in front of me, distracting him as I gauged his interest in me- and his threat- though my heart was comforted- as I explored his own heart- a communication usually reserved only for cats- and usually- unidirectional, though this time- his wild heart- spoke to me.
"You are safe. Come to me, my daughter of the wild. My woman of the night."
I snorted, softly, through my nose as my heat dripped on the ground- had it not of been for my inflamed backside- I would not be entertaining this at all.
Silently, effortlessly, I sprang up- smelling the window under where he slept.
That artificial scent was there- something he called, "vodka"- perhaps, if it were not for this strange, heated liquid- he would not be willing to mate with me, this cool, summers eve.
Was he going to mate with me?
Deep down, I hoped for that, ancient, and sacred union with humans- a union us cats thoroughly enjoyed- my ancient memories returning to my nether regions- of humans, mating with us, in ways nature could never provide for us- and us females- becoming sexual slaves to the male humans- so tightly woven together, it even started wars over whom got to mate with us, all those years ago.
And here I was, my eye burning with a fire, striking up the old, ancient ways, ways that had been forgotten-
But not by us.
I mowed- which broke up his snoring, when a playful mood struck me- I fell on my back, my paws in the air, writhing on the ground, kicking up some dust, and caking my back-fur with earth.
I snorted- clearing my nose- realizing I looked like an idiot- but I did not care.
I chuckled to myself, then got back to my feet, softly scraping my side against the doorway to his wooden dwelling, made of strange trees, that smelled like, the strange chemicals of Man.
Peeking in the doorway, his snoring sounding nearly offensive to me- my ears twitching over the abrasive sounds, I smelled the air- ignoring him- then turned to look at him.
I grinned.
In my own feline way, my tail swaying behind me- my ass, dripping in its desire for him, I stepped inside.
Meow.
I said as his eyes slowly opened, my tail, swaying for him as I stepped inside.
"Oh, fuck." He softly exclaimed, his hand going for the blade- it was only natural to be afraid- so I fell on my back, and kicking my paws up in the air, I watched him as I playfully swatted the air.
"Hi." He said, his hand hovering over the blade- but my heart was in clear communication with his own-
He wanted me.
My scent filled his nose, I knew- and he understood- I wasn't here for business. My deep golden eyes surveyed him as I licked my lips and grinned, my tail playfully twitching in the air.
I was here for pleasure.
"M-Mandy?" He spoke softly, as not to startle me.
He didn't need to worry!
This was only the fifteen hundredth ninety two time I had seen him, and six hundred seventy forth time I had smelled his scent.
"Hi." I said, which I spoke as a soft mewl.
This went against every instinct I had for self preservation as a Proud Feline- but I set my front paws on his legs, and looke din him his eyes.
He was afraid- yes, a majestic and powerful cat like me should evoke such feelings- but I smelled under his chin- on his neck- and licked my lips-
He was willing.
I removed my paws from his lap, before sneeking in the scent of his manhood, then got back to my paws, and turned to face him, moving my tail aside.
I was not a woman that would be kept waiting.
Not even by a human.
~
Oh, Jesus.
The only thing I feared- that was, until her mother opened her heart to me in the darkness of night- and showed me- i had nothing to fear from her.
Deep down, i wanted another chance with her- as she caterwauled for me, deep in her heat, under my window early that fateful morning.
Now, her daughter- still young, but nearly fully grown, had her paws on my legs, as I sat nude, on a reclining chair.
"Hi." I whispered, as she looked into my eyes- she, being a majestic, powerful, apex predator of apex predators- not even wolves dared to challenge her in the wild.
Through the drunkenness, I smell the tangy, pungent scent of her body- inflamed with passion and desire, for a mate-
Any mate.
I chuckled, softly- she was choosing me...
She got to her feet again, and with a twitchin tail, she turned her ass to me, and moved her tail aside, with a brief, toothy grin, and a lick of her feline lips.
I glanced at her body, the moonlight, barely enough for me to see, the darker brown fur, covering her swollen vulva- when her front dropped down in play.
I was afraid. I would not lie- she could turn me into cat-shit with only the briefest flex of her powerful muscles- but as I correctly had hoped- she was not here for business.
She was here for pleasure- just like her mother.
Moving, standing behind her, she dropped on her back, paws in the air, writhing in feline play as I chuckled- was I fucking dreaming- or was there a cougar, on the floor of the yurt- waiting for me, to mate with her?
"M-Mandy?" I choked out and her body instantly stopped writhing the moment she heard my voice.
She scoffed, yawned, and got back to her feet, though her ass was now facing the door, and not me. Her head glanced up, as she looked out of the window, verifying we were alone, and, again, dropped to her back, looking at me, and again, licking her lips.
"You know... You will be mine, after this. For life..."
She blinked softly in acknowledgement.
"So long as you satisfy me- I have no issue with it. You will have... A fierce protector."
She seemed to say, our hearts, intertwined, in the wild.
"It might uh..." I said, my words choking in my throat as I got a good glance at the dark brown fur under her tail.
She did not seem to acknowledge me, yet, only blinked softly, her body still.
I got to my knees, at her tail area, when she got to her feet, and settled on her belly. Above me, her tail flicked around, when she glanced at me- I was not performing.
Reaching out, with a shivering hand, I touched her soft, warm fur- that wreaked of the wild- she was, a hundred percent, natural.
I swallowed, caressing her back, following her spine, to the area under her tail, where she irradiated, deep feline heat, that I could feel, soaking into my hand, just inches from her feline pussy.
Sighing, i touched her plump, soft, hot and wet vulva- as she sighed, looking behind her, at me- so I stopped.
"N-Not ready?" I said, my shaking hand, reaching for the vodka.
Instantly, she turned, and swatted the bottle over, and hissed at me.
My mood was over- as I sat on my naked ass, by the door- but Mandy had already made her decision.
She scoffed, again, and fell on her back playfully, grinning, writhing about, and pushing a paw to my lips.
I kissed her toe, as she writhed, and seemed to laugh, in her own feline way.
~
I played with him, as I would play with a rabbit, before I tore it to bits and ate its flesh.
In fact, I could almost smell the scent of his blood in the air- but I realized, through the haziness of my heat, that it was my own menstrual blood I was smelling.
Before him, I made an ass of myself, acting like some kind of cub, drunk with the fermented flesh my mother vomited up for me.
Teasing him, with the alluring scent of my cat-pussy, making the air thick with the scent of my lust, no doubt teasing him to a fervent degree.
Is this how you courted a human?
Fuck, I did not know.
My mom would- but she was deep in the southern mountains with her boyfriend by now, no doubt taking his thick, hard, bared cat-dick deep in her soft pussy- fuck. Was I really this horny?
I hissed at him.
God damn it.
Perform!
I smelled the alluring stench of his fear in the air, so I played with him some more.
I mewled and pawed at him- and sensed his thoughts- he was little more than a caught rabbot for me at this point.
So, when I put my ass in his face again, I shivered instinctually the moment his hands, touched my hips.
My front end dropped playfully, though I kept my ass in his face- looking behind me playfully- though truth be told- I was the nervous one.
My eyes, glanced at his penis, it looked smooth enough- but damn, it was big.
And long.
I swallowed, closing my eyes, waiting for him to enter inside of me.
Visions of me sharing my life with him after this, wnet through my head- I was still wild, yes- and he would have to deal with it.
But, word in the forest was, though he was a bit crazy- he was indeed friendly to my kind.
Honored, even- my mother told me, after she opened her heart to communicate with him, many moons ago.
I moved my tail aside for him, partly to make entering inside of me easier, partly- to trigger his mating instincts.
Some told he was part wolf.
When I felt his member caress my mound, my head dropped in deep submission to him- and I knew, at that moment- that I now belonged ot him- from now, onward.
When he began to enter inside of me, my thick heat providing ample lubrication, I gawked, the moment his girth forced my soft, delicate feline-flesh open- my eyes wide in pain- and I knew, from watching my mother mate- pain was a part of mating- but I did not know there was this much!
Before I leapt away from him, clawing at my ass, attacking the pain- my head pushed against the ground as tears fell from my eyes-
And behind me, the human sighed- his noise, enough for me to grit my teeth, and to take him.
Hoping he was having his pleasure by being inside of me- my hopes were dashed when he pulled out- then forced himself back inside of me.
I mewled, crying out in pain- my ears back- and I could sense a release of his fear- terror, even, over it- but I stayed still, and did not attack.
Behind me, he prayed to his gods, his flesh so deep inside of me, the tears stained the ground under my face.
~
"Jesus!" I gasped, the moment my fat cock pushed inside of her- holy fuck was she tight.
A virgin- I assumed- but her heat, her hot, wet estrus, gripped my cock with feline orgasm spasms, as she mewled below me- hissing for a moment- then steadying her hips for me with gentle patting of her back feet.
"Oh my God." I said, pushing deeper inside of her, feeling her all the way- from inside.
I nearly came right there, from the heat, the tightness, the wetness- and the fear, but she was inviting me- this was part oher "mating dance."
Gently, I pulled out, but before my cock flopped out of her now painfully stretched pussy, I pushed back inside of her as her entire body went rigid, from the pian of being penetrated.
I wondered if anal would have been better for her- but she must have sensed my thoughts, and turned her head- to hiss at me.
My eyes rolled back in my head, from the deep pleasure of making love to a wild animal, especially- one that ruled the forests wherever her feet went- and began slowly, making love to her.
~
He pulled out, to tease me- then pushed back inside- and I nearly bit him, tearing at his throat for his insolence- when he pushed back inside of me.
I gritted my teeth, confused, annoyed, angry- in pain- but still willing, god damn it. I was in for a pinch of flesh, in for a whole slab of meat.
Behind me, he made me rock as he pushed in- and out, teasing me- then pleasing me-
Oh Gods.
I grunted a deep, beautiful feminine sigh-
He was making me cum.
My eyes went wide as he fucked me with his human penis, stimulating my feline vagina in an orgasm, only a human could give me-
Gods.
This is why we let the humans mate with us.
My back legs began to shake, as he continued to mate with me, my entire body tensing up in another orgasm- Gods it was mating with a dangerous animal like a human- so visceral- and I could sense him wanting to get into my tailhole- Gods- Later, maybe, human, fuck...Fuck me!
My back legs finally gave out, and his meat member flopped out of me.
There was only so much I could take.
Gods, I was so sore. I had never had anything so large inside of me, let alone- thrust into me like this, over, and over, and over.
My kind were used a smaller, barbed dicks, brief thrusting, his orgasm- and then we raised his kits.
But this...
This was amazing.
I stared at him through love- drunk eyes- fuck me.
I belonged to him, now.
Nobody could make me cum like this.
Did he have his orgasm? Who cared!
I had several of my own!
Scoffing through my nose, I felt my mothers instincts, call to me.
"Get back on your feet, girl. Lift that tail for him."
"But mom!" I protested.
"I am sore!" Before him, I got to my back and swatted playfully at the air.
I felt my mother scoff at me, showing me how sore she was, after mating with Doug- her boyfriend, who happened to be another cougar.
With a roar that made the human fall backwards, I got back to my feet, and again, presented him with my ravaged, dripping ass.
His eyes fell on my stretched, ravaged mound, it still not closed fully- waiting for his human orgasm.
I sensed his thoughts- he was correct- we would spend many moons, mating, in heat and out of heat- nobody could spread me like him.
No other lions had willing humans.
With a yawn I pushed my ass to him, rubbing my mound against his bare human skin.
He got the hint, smelling my behind, even pressing his lips to it- and braving a gentle lick with his tongue, I closed my eyes- Gods- that felt good.
I went rigid when his member wnet inside of me, again, this time, deeper than he had ever been- likely, within my uterus.
He began his glorious thrusting once again- and again- my eyes rolled back in my head- and I knew why the lionesses would go to war, over human men.
I lost count of the orgasms- and I forgot I was a wild animal, for a moment- allowing a human ot mate with my vagina, in a strange wooden dwelling.
Behind me, he moaned- gripping my hips tightly- I went rigid- was he going to kill me?
Rather than feeling pain, however, my eyes going to his blade- that remained in its sheath, I felt him pulse inside of me- my entire being, fully owned by him, my legs shaking as we achieved a simultaneous orgasm- shaking and mewling- I was, in his arms- a kitten, once again.
~
I had had a lot of sex in my lifetime, with humans- and even animals- but this...
Nothing compared to this.
Not in this lifetime.
I felt her, feline orgasm, clamp on my fat human dick, I could tell she was sore- but she lifted tail for me- and this was now my turn to have fun, inside of her.
Bravely, she took it, I could sense she was sore, and aching- hurting, even.
But I began to not care- as her love juices foamed and caked onto my pubic hair, as I made passionate, sweet love to this big cat.
"Oh, God, Mandy..." I moaned, finally, having my orgasm inside of her, as she tensed up, twitching- my being- owning hers.
I spilled my seed deep inside of her- and if she was viable- she would have had my kits.
However- she was not.
This was only for fun.
I watched as her eyes rolled back in her head, when she fell onto her side, my dick flopping out of her ravaged cat-hole- I wondered, for a moment, if she was dead.
However, she muttered the deepest feline groan I had ever heard- it terrified me, as I instinctively glanced towards my blade- but her head popped up, and she motioned for me to join her, at her back.
So, I crawled onto the foam, behind her back, and she meowed at me, when I began caressing her soft fur.
"Did you like that, girl?" I spoke, my voice deeper than I thought- and her eyes, showing a bit of fear-white.
As if she fully understood me, her tail, wrapped around my side.
I caressed her asshole, and her pussy, as her head popped up- and I kissed her soft, black nose, salty with the sweat of her people.
_
I wrote this, because her mother, Candy, had appeared to me, months ago- I wrote about it here- and told me- she had desired me to make love to her- yes, a wild animal- and a big cat, no less!
Deep down, in her ancient DNA, her ancient memories, Candy (The mother mountain lion, cougar, who had, caterwauled under my window, years ago, and marked my possessions with her cat-piss!) showed me- large felines- especially, lionesses- had mated with human men, and it was so good for them, that they coexisted, and created entire societies, based on, love-making between human men, and big cats!
This is not fiction, nor is it fallacy, it is truth, and reality!
I may yet, be so blessed, as to make-love to Mandy, the daughter, who hangs out on this ranch, when she comes into heat.
She has been spotted, laying under our hay barn.
As Candy said! If I do make-love to her, or her daughter- they will become "mine"- and Candy showed me, she would be "Like a dog for me."
Big Cats have been observing mankind longer than we have been aware- and Candy, and Mandy both- know exactly what a dog is.
When my two previous canines were barking one fateful evening, I had one of my rifles, with a night-vision scope- and I decided to see into the darkness, what they were barking at, and it turned out, a large male mountain lion was just a few feet from us, just watching us, observing us!
And, I had seen, a picture of an autopsy, of a human, who was eaten alive by a mountain lion, and it was gruesome, I instinctively shot at the lion but missed thankfully, after that, the next morning, I went to look for the lion, when I saw him, descend from a tree- HE WAS AS LARGE AS A FUCKING DEER.
He flowed, like a majestic, regal river, his body powerful, graceful, and magnificent, before glancing at me, and disappearing into the woods next ot my house.
I connected with him, as Candy told me- he was angry I had shot-at him (Disturbing him, he was used to being unmolested, watching me.) And I asked him- does the idea of love-making extend to you, my guy?
His reply, after soothing his heart:
"Just get on your belly. I will do the rest."
WOW.
I am also aware, that recently, a human died of the bubonic plague, after being bitten, by a flea from the body of a mountain lion. On top of her own claws and teeth, there is also the danger of the wilds.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I have always wanted to have a big cat as a lover.
Candy showed me, she would become "Addicted" to my dick, basically- and we would spend large amounts of time, making love with one another.
I would not mind it!
The only stipulation, she said, was she would be very protective of me, even against humans, and she could attack anyone she viewed as a threat to me, basically- if a human wanted to be my lover- she would have to okay it- and even then, they would be in danger if a jealous streak caressed her heart- they could be killed, taking her lover from her! Not a good idea for a Bonded Big Cat, bonded to a human man!
She also told me, she would piss on everything I own, and I would reek of cat piss until the day she passed on.
Small price to pay I guess. It would keep the humans away!
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 6, 2024 15:12:15 GMT 9.5
Mandy eyed me from my bed, staring at me, and licking her lips.
Behind her, she sprayed my wall- already soaked with the pungent stench of wild cat piss- she added to it- yet again.
I chuckled, shaking my head as she effortlessly lept onto my bed, and pushed her ass into my face.
"Hi, Mandy."
Squatting down, she pissed on my chest.
There wasn't going to be any masking of that odor- not at all.
People already held their noses around me, scoffing, or asking if I took cat-piss baths, but I just shrugged it off.
Mandy purred as I made love to her, on my bed, enjoying every sensual inch of her glorious feline body, my eyes rolling back in my head as I slowly, caressed her love tunnel with my fat human dick.
She was mine, now.
She could never return to the forest- no male cougar could ever satisfy her, now- not even close.
Redefining the phrase, "IS it in yet?"
She was insatiable.
This is why felines were so hard to get- and so prized, when one obtained the graces of a big, sexy cat.
Catgirls, amiright?
She loved cuddling, and sleeping next to me, purring like a massive kitten, transporting my soul to heights of heaven I did not know were possible.
A big cat in my life- it was surprisingly easy how seamlessly her Being integrated with my own.
Like a dog- in more ways than one- but with benefits.
She allowed her neck to be collared- something she viewed as sexy- and introduced anal activities with her rear- something she complained about at first- but settled into- and eventually begged me for.
I was never, ever left lonely in bed.
And she was always fully present.
That's one of the things I loved about her.
Although, when I took her out in public- people recoiled from her in fear- and if anyone moved too quickly around me- more than once she pounced on someone, and dug her claws into them- and hissed at them- nearly always making the human wet their own pants.
She was protective.
And when she hissed in a rage- her roar shaking the earth itself- people listened.
She had a well earned reputation for ferocity.
On my bed, when we were not making love, she would cuddle with me, and make out with me. Wonderfully affectionate, something I did not know I could attribute to a wild animal- it amazed me how well we integrated, once we understood each other.
And, who was going to scold us?
Who was going to tell my Lion, she was wrong- in loving a human?
Who was going to drive us apart?
And, i was armed, and I was nuts- I scared people already.
Now I had a Big Cat Girlfriend.
In all seriousness, I am actually going to begin searching for the daughter of Candy, and being in her world. I do not want to miss another opportunity, to be with a big cat. And, to have one as a mate/pet.
I will, worm her, feed her, groom her, collar her, train her, play with her, and be her mate. (According to her will and desires.)
I cannot help but think it is divinely arranged, as when Candy opened her heart to me in the forest, last year- and the deep conversation I had with her.
It would not surprise me whatsoever, to learn that much of our consciousness was borrowed, or loaned to us- from the Feline.
Further, I have struggled to have a "Fursona", but I do believe a male Cougar, appeals to me.
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Post by tundrawolf on Mar 7, 2024 0:44:51 GMT 9.5
Why is it, such a drastic change in perspective can happen overnight.
The idea of mating with a mountain lion seems like a bad idea now.
I think it could have something to do with the alcohol.
Almost certainly! Hell, everything seems like a good idea when you are drunk!
I had a wonderful connection with Anastasia last night and this morning. She, really opened up to me, and connected with me on a deep heart level.
Our anniversary, is coming up in a few days.
I know there are forces aligned against me, that want to spoil what I have with her, which is why I am investing effort, into connecting with her.
Which seems counter intuitive, as my connection with her, seems to hinder my healing, and self love.
I say that with a heavy heart- but, wanting, in the end- to love myself, heal, and find right relationship with myself- then to find Anastasia again- and be a Right Spouse for her- to love her as well.
This is my hearts desire.
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