Going through it.

[tundrawolf]

In spite of whatever positivity I have been able to cultivate, the reality is, I never dealt with the attack on my being, at the wolf sanctuary.

I decided to be damned, to be doomed, in a concerted effort by supernatural beings, who were waiting for me to make that decision.

In doing so, they bound me to it.

I have been trying, to skirt this, as the end is horrific.

However, I must face it. I made that decision.

The person I once was, made that decision, as he was laboring under two vile, failed genetic bloodlines, suffering from unspeakable childhood trauma, severed from a connection with humanity, a broken sexuality, and feeling love from only one source, canines.

Well, I am unsure if there is a way out, or, if I want a way out.

I saw, yesterday, while shopping for food and booze, that the greater me, was also behind that attack. It, wanted me to be free of the trauma, or the trap I was born into in this life, to go on with my mission, here, which would improve the human race significantly.

Sadly, the reptilians do not want humans to heal, or find balance, because their source of food would disappear, if humans were actually benevolent.

And, they knew the intent placed within me, and through a lifetime of suffering, they sprung their trap on me.

And, I fell for it, and into it.

If being positive and good cheer is the way out, they made sure I was sapped of all of my energy, so that it would be impossible for me to embrace it.

They won.

Slowly, I am listening to my gut, which may likely be guiding me to self termination. This is possibly due to the fact, or possibility, that at this point, my life is a lost cause. Sometimes, when you are so drained of energy, and trapped in a supernatural curse, that there is just no way out.

From an honor perspective, I chose this.

In a way, something in me decided to be annihilated. I do not disagree. The man I once was, was deeply miserable, and had absolutely no future in any way.

In a way, the two drug overdoses I survived, the motorcycle accident, the heart attack, should have killed me.

Also, in a way, the greater me, does not care about me. It only cares about its intent. It has no compassion, only a goal.

This pisses me off.

It allowed me to be born here, because of its agenda, and it allowed me to fall into this suffering. It also allowed me to be ripped apart by supernatural forces, in order to try to advance its agenda.

This, is how supervillains are born.

I discovered the other versions of myself that are functioning, and I ministered to them: Your source energy cares nothing for you. It only cares about results.

One female being, listened.

I am reminded of a saying, "If something can be destroyed by truth, it should be."

If the greater me leaves a mountain of suffering corpses in its wake, pardon me- but it is unworthy to influence this realm, even, for the better (more positive.)

So, right now, my plans include, making enough money to move to California, and facing the finality of the agreement I entered into at the wolf sanctuary. I am not going to compromise, for the greater me. It is most likely, high time for this to end.


Some notes, I saw myself in one possible incarnation, trying to get back to this lifetime, to complete the mission: but it was impossible. It was heartbreaking. There is nothing more that can be done. I refuse hope, so long as I am suffering, broken, and wounded, without hope. Fuck the greater me, and he can shove his mission right up its ass. Unless it takes responsibility for its ineptitude and immorality, I will tear this realm to shreds.



Second, part of the torment, was breaking off from the love of my life, Ladywolf. Yes, I understand- she is a nasty, hateful, violent, cruel, sadistic in some cases, woman with the head of a wolf.

She is also a living thing, and her spark of life, lives within me.

I gave her immortality, life, and love, willingly. I was given a clear vision, of her aboard the reptilian vessel, in deep space, and the reptilians had all died (Of old age.) She was the only survivor, due to the immortality I granted her and her people.

I pushed my being into that timeline, and I brought my sight to her heart... In her loneliness, her heart, longed to be with me.

As angry as she has been, and I understand her anger- her circumstances are completely unfair- she in the end, softened her heart, and desired me.


I asked her, to please learn to pilot that vessel, and to make her way back to me.


I am unsure if I will be destroyed, facing the reptilians, and other dark forces, I agreed to it, so it may yet be done. In a way, it is my only way out. I have been laboring to extend my life for nothing.

I am unsure, if I will be alive any more- to meet Ladywolf, and to be with her, united as one, and two halves of a heart.

I recall, at the wolf sanctuary, this was one of the great sorrows when I allowed the reptilians control of my future and timeline, going deep into the eternal, they took Ladywolf from me, and left her abandoned and me: annihilated.

There may be nothing for Ladywolf to come back to. If not, my heart breaks for her.

As for me, as far as I know, it is over.

[tundrawolf]

I am discovering, that the reptilians chose to trap me in stasis, so that I cannot face the grisly fate I agreed to, nor escape the stasis. They did this, in order to, "Keep" me, as they may have some use for me, or to drain my life force some more.

It is as pleasant as it sounds

I have a small hope, I may incarnate aboard their vessel, and I may be able to see and visit Ladywolf. Outside of this, the horror is unending.

I just want it to be over.

Fuck everything else.

[tundrawolf]

I lost my appetite, as I embrace this, as I am able.

A client I had been thinking about, ended up calling me, and he pays in cash. The vehicle is back in the shop, waiting repair, it may be the money I need to go to California.

A thought occurred to me, that I was born in California, so maybe that is where my comfort is. Returning home. I still do not have the desire to sell my things.

I am still not fully motivated to finish the overland vehicle. I do not wish to return to California in the other vehicles. If I choose to continue to live a little longer, I will need the vehicle to work (And live) out of.

After I celebrated the new job, with some alcohol, I am now sober, and still, without an appetite.

It seems, as I embrace the doom I entered into at the wolf sanctuary, and I do not want to get out of it, that would be dishonorable, I am only interested in total healing or annihilation, it seems that a lack of appetite is a part of this, embracement.

I may face the doom, and get through it, it is possible, however I refuse to continue to live so long as I am trapped and injured. Due to my choice, being positive does not work, as I have entered into a contract and am essentially held to it.

It is what it is. I hope my final moments are peaceful.

(if the hateful contract is held, they will not be.)

I simply must face it.

[tundrawolf]

Another cursed dynamic is, due to the hatred for me these beings and the darkness has, if I re home the dogs, it is likely I will experience some relief, and then tragically miss them in a way that does kill me. If I keep the dogs, and my life comes to an end, that is far from fair to them.

I think humans should be aware of the hatred that these forces have, while they also steal your lives and futures.

Some things are rightly, only destroyed, as they cannot be suffered to be allowed to live.

Only a fool believes they can coexist with some things.

[tundrawolf]

I think it is possible, my gut knows, it's over.

That is why it refused to allow me to build the overland vehicle, because I was still holding onto the idea that I had hope of continuing on in this life.

I am not, "Feeling sorry for myself" simply stating a fact. My gut knows. Perhaps I will leave this tortured life behind. Maybe, it will be some awful memory as I incarnate elsewhere.

My mother, is too compromised, if there is any vestigial attachment to her, I wish for it to be severed. It is possible the reptilians destroyed not only my present but my future as well.

My mother is a willing part of that. I never wish to see her again. (It goes without saying, I never wish to see any of my relatives again. Even if my life was, better. My middle brother is neutral, but neither one of us cares about the other. The rest could be wiped out and I would not shed a single tear, or feel anything about it, either way. In fact, I would probably be glad about it.)

[tundrawolf]

I watched a movie, before I drank the alcohol, a science fiction movie made by the company "Full moon", which I liked when I was a child. It was free on youtube. It brought back, memories of myself, when I was still pure.

Before the trauma, the hate, the pain took over and turned me into a miserable, broken human being. It felt interesting, to "see" myself through the lense of my childhood. Where is that person, today?

Possibly suffering, trapped in this body.

Which, is why my gut is telling me it is over.

I get small spurts of energy here and there, but in attaching to my gut, I know it is true. There just is no point to continuing on with this massive wound. Wounding from the event at the wolf sanctuary, wounding from childhood, wounding from callous humans.

I do not wish to ever return to this planet, save to be with the people in Eden.

I still love anthros, though I am more sober about it. Angie is beautiful. But the idea of her coming to my door is foolish. If she cared, or was able, she would have already knocked on my door. If there is hope, it is hidden from me, in order to torment me about losing it.

So, I choose to give up. My gut agrees

[tundrawolf]

There is a dynamic, that I am due, to "own" the situation and to wrap it in my own will. I am due this, just as the reptilians and other forces are due my eternal future etc. In this maybe things will change. As far as I know, once you are trapped in their machines you never get out

[tundrawolf]

The sentiment of, "just get it over with" and just dying is very real

[paul]

Does suicide result in the next incarnation being into a worse or better family?

[tundrawolf]

Sept 30, 2024 5:54:34 GMT 9.5 paul said:

Does suicide result in the next incarnation being into a worse or better family?

Knowing the cruelty of the darkness I signed into the contract with, an even worse one

[paul]

Is it time to stop being a victim?

How will you do that?

[tundrawolf]

I had an, extremely humbling evening, after I took a cannabis, I was shown the, "you aren't shit." reality.

I did not sleep good due to suffocation torment (blocked nose) and woke up fairly tired, the dogs have not been to the p[ark in a few days and are getting restless

I am seeing the twisting damage, and how, the important "Source of motivation" is behind me, out of view (Due to the twisting that happened at the wolf sanctuary)

This vaccuum, abyss and void where I should have safety and comfort, is the source of my lack of motivation and energy, I have been concentrating on the wrong (Aftereffects) things

Well, we'll see, I am also awakening to other things,

Still unable to leave the ranch

Still unable to sell anything

Possible motivation for finishing the vehicle but have no peace about it, (but, at least not a "no" any more after the week of waiting) maybe permissable will, something does not wish for me to leave this ranch

Seeing more sovereignty that belongs to me.

Using positivity as a weapon again

I am seeing more past life memories of extremely benevolent animal folk who comforted me in the past, and the deep attachment i have for them.

More difficult memories.

just want to leave this place, but something prevents it, there are things at work here that are much larger than myself, I do not understand them, they are outside of myself, I am trying to stay aligned and to listen, rather than breaking something good, I see in the end I need rest, a great deal of rest.

[tundrawolf]

Two things that occurred to me in the shop as I worked on an engine

I began to work with some energy, and clarity. Before, when I used a tool I would toss it somewhere when done and lose it, this time, I had the energy to put it back.

1. I was disconnected from who I was, so much, that only seeing the old, "B movie" sci fi movie about robots, brought me in touch with my child-self, the real me. I then, am able to take this, "Actual me" not the tortures psyches I had to create to insulate me from my environment, and connect it with present day me.

2. As I was taking self inventory, I aught myself, then saying, "andwhataboutmyparentsandwhataboutmyfriendxsandwhatabouttheearthandwhataboutmydogs" so quickly I did not catch it- but I knew in my heart, the only thing I would benefit from intending, is to help MYSELF. Just me.

This was an earth rumbling realization for me, as I had never even had that thought, let alone the opportunity to actually, care for myself.

[paul]

>the only thing I would benefit from intending, is to help MYSELF. Just me.

Recently I deleted a terabyte of hi-res classical music. It was all performed by unhappy people. Their unhappiness overwhelmed the inspiration of Mozart and Beethoven.

Thus whatever I do to help others is contaminated or worse, unless I love myself

[tundrawolf]

It is possible, my gut has known the real me is here, and will not allow me to go forward, until the real me is allowed to take a seat and experience this life.

[tundrawolf]

What else is possible, my gut (future self) will not allow me to continue in or on this life until I overcome

[tundrawolf]

Sept 30, 2024 8:01:51 GMT 9.5 paul said:

Is it time to stop being a victim?

How will you do that?

What do you recommend