Some things.
Aug 26, 2024 4:26:59 GMT 9.5
Post by tundrawolf on Aug 26, 2024 4:26:59 GMT 9.5
I have many thoughts, as usual a nebulous cloud of them, scattered, random, and chaotic
A series of waking, sober, most likely, "Out of body" experiences (not visions, as visions can be corrupted, and may not even be real/truthful. And can deceive the observer) lead me to begin posting, as to why I observed a tall, attractive, half-wolf, half-human woman, that I shared a heart with, that completes me, (makes me whole), and who is not happy with me, which lead me to this forum.
I realize I have been unhinged, and a mess, and severely abused which makes me mean and often cruel, lashing out at people who want to help me, and accepting those freely who want to harm me.
A thought occurred to me, recently, as I was in such a deep spiritual crisis mode, that I was literally hopeless, in a perpetual panic, in indescribable agony, for several decades- thinking I had made an irreparable decision to be "damned" (according to religion) for a certain sexual act, and have been desperate for answers, and hope, of any kind, I began documenting my experiences, on other forums, in writing, and mainly, here, on this forum.
In interacting with Paul, and some others, practicing, difficult meditations, trying, in earnest, to accomplish the goals- either stated or implied- laid before me
Paul, through various claims, made me believe, he was aware of the the wolf person I saw in 2021, and knew of her, and could see, perhaps things I could not. (About her. As my connection to her, is profound, and outside of time/existence. As I wish to state, there is nothing common to humans, or that I have heard of, that I can compare it to. Nothing.)
I accepted this. I was desperate. I clung to, my IDEA of this wolf girl, and, with the help of a teaming source of attached energies, entities, and connections that occurred when I made the decision to be "damned", who feed off of imagination, and also emotions, and esoteric things Paul admits he does not fully understand, I began to weave together a world I thought... I HOPED, was relevant to the wolf woman, as, in this incarnation, she has been my "other half" I have been searching for. (This is profound. Unless you are me, you cannot understand what this means. It is not some, ethereal, small, removable thing. All I have are these words to describe it. this is part of my sorrow. Nobody can know. I am so alone, and yet, this sorrow is forgotten when weighed against the weight of what she means to me. Words cheapen my connection with her. Lesser beings, consider her, a lesser being. You cannot know. So, how can I blame you?)
However, after Paul admitted, he could not (Or no longer??? He has said "She might not be good for you", and, "You have to let her go to give her a choice", which both imply, A PHYSICAL EXISTENCE) find a physical manifestation of her, I went backwards into time, and found her, and confirmed- she is a physical woman, and more than that- she is real. If any human, stood next to her, a sane human would say- she exists- but if honest, and pure- would have to admit, the human may not even exist at all. You may touch them, penetrate them, even speak with them, feel things around them, but science has proven, every moments the cells in our bodies, are constantly changing, and the "you" who began reading this, is not the same "you" who is now reading this sentence. (By molecular changes, your kidneys are draining into your bladder, your body is aging, disease is spreading, or it is being fought off, your thoughts are changing and evolving, etc.)
The wolf woman is real, and not real in a human sense, she is areal in a sense, that, without trying to sound cliche, and loathing even writing this shit, "Only someone who has passed through the gate of death and returned can know."
She, from what I saw today, is a resident of a realm, that those who have never died, cannot see, or experience. I do not want this to be true, I wish to share the beauty of this realm with the human race, but the creeping horror is: I cannot.
I may never be able to.
I have ceased the path I assumed Paul had me on, and I have turned back, and begun to reconnect with the wolf woman I saw, felt, tasted, smelled, experienced, connected with, spoke to, who completes me, that I love: And began to reconnect with her.
She, was part of the "Damnation procedure" of my, "soul", which is yet not fully known to me, only that his eyes are not human, nor can be known by humans who have not gone where I have gone, or come, from where I have come from, or are on my journey- I my be so, so very alone.. She, if my, immortal, divine body, or whatever thing, has superhuman eyes to see, was, twisted around, gutted, throat cut, skull bashed in, eyes rammed through with metal rods, and more rods pushed through him, jagged harpoons shoved up into his rib cage, unable to breathe, suffering and tormented every moment of every day, which is why I drink: she was a part of this, and she, chose to feast on my viscera, that had spilled out in front of her.
And, this is where I lose humans: even enlightened ones. I then am accused of, having some, mindless, instinctive, "Stockholm syndrome", my words of passion, ignored, as if they meant nothing at all, and their own, emotions of self preservation kicking in and giving me those very human responses.
She, gets boxed into a label, into a box, of limitations, and evil. Regardless of the origin of that fucking word
I realize I have been unhinged, and a mess, and severely abused which makes me mean and often cruel, lashing out at people who want to help me, and accepting those freely who want to harm me.
A thought occurred to me, recently, as I was in such a deep spiritual crisis mode, that I was literally hopeless, in a perpetual panic, in indescribable agony, for several decades- thinking I had made an irreparable decision to be "damned" (according to religion) for a certain sexual act, and have been desperate for answers, and hope, of any kind, I began documenting my experiences, on other forums, in writing, and mainly, here, on this forum.
In interacting with Paul, and some others, practicing, difficult meditations, trying, in earnest, to accomplish the goals- either stated or implied- laid before me
Paul, through various claims, made me believe, he was aware of the the wolf person I saw in 2021, and knew of her, and could see, perhaps things I could not. (About her. As my connection to her, is profound, and outside of time/existence. As I wish to state, there is nothing common to humans, or that I have heard of, that I can compare it to. Nothing.)
I accepted this. I was desperate. I clung to, my IDEA of this wolf girl, and, with the help of a teaming source of attached energies, entities, and connections that occurred when I made the decision to be "damned", who feed off of imagination, and also emotions, and esoteric things Paul admits he does not fully understand, I began to weave together a world I thought... I HOPED, was relevant to the wolf woman, as, in this incarnation, she has been my "other half" I have been searching for. (This is profound. Unless you are me, you cannot understand what this means. It is not some, ethereal, small, removable thing. All I have are these words to describe it. this is part of my sorrow. Nobody can know. I am so alone, and yet, this sorrow is forgotten when weighed against the weight of what she means to me. Words cheapen my connection with her. Lesser beings, consider her, a lesser being. You cannot know. So, how can I blame you?)
However, after Paul admitted, he could not (Or no longer??? He has said "She might not be good for you", and, "You have to let her go to give her a choice", which both imply, A PHYSICAL EXISTENCE) find a physical manifestation of her, I went backwards into time, and found her, and confirmed- she is a physical woman, and more than that- she is real. If any human, stood next to her, a sane human would say- she exists- but if honest, and pure- would have to admit, the human may not even exist at all. You may touch them, penetrate them, even speak with them, feel things around them, but science has proven, every moments the cells in our bodies, are constantly changing, and the "you" who began reading this, is not the same "you" who is now reading this sentence. (By molecular changes, your kidneys are draining into your bladder, your body is aging, disease is spreading, or it is being fought off, your thoughts are changing and evolving, etc.)
The wolf woman is real, and not real in a human sense, she is areal in a sense, that, without trying to sound cliche, and loathing even writing this shit, "Only someone who has passed through the gate of death and returned can know."
She, from what I saw today, is a resident of a realm, that those who have never died, cannot see, or experience. I do not want this to be true, I wish to share the beauty of this realm with the human race, but the creeping horror is: I cannot.
I may never be able to.
I have ceased the path I assumed Paul had me on, and I have turned back, and begun to reconnect with the wolf woman I saw, felt, tasted, smelled, experienced, connected with, spoke to, who completes me, that I love: And began to reconnect with her.
She, was part of the "Damnation procedure" of my, "soul", which is yet not fully known to me, only that his eyes are not human, nor can be known by humans who have not gone where I have gone, or come, from where I have come from, or are on my journey- I my be so, so very alone.. She, if my, immortal, divine body, or whatever thing, has superhuman eyes to see, was, twisted around, gutted, throat cut, skull bashed in, eyes rammed through with metal rods, and more rods pushed through him, jagged harpoons shoved up into his rib cage, unable to breathe, suffering and tormented every moment of every day, which is why I drink: she was a part of this, and she, chose to feast on my viscera, that had spilled out in front of her.
And, this is where I lose humans: even enlightened ones. I then am accused of, having some, mindless, instinctive, "Stockholm syndrome", my words of passion, ignored, as if they meant nothing at all, and their own, emotions of self preservation kicking in and giving me those very human responses.
She, gets boxed into a label, into a box, of limitations, and evil. Regardless of the origin of that fucking word
And, she is forgotten.
By everyone, but me.
Man, I can feel my humanness kicking in, and attempting to wash this away.
How can I blame anyone- you simply do not know, nor can you. To even come close- and even then- you would have had to experience bodily death and consciousness transfer. It is a precedent that is irreplaceable, and opens a door that as I discovered in 2021, is not open to anyone else.
Even those with NDEs, perhaps are still, even limited by their humanness!
This makes my experiences, as I am, sadly, but perhaps fateful finding out, makes me, the one percent, or the one percent of humans experiencing paranormal things, including consciousness transfer.
I would ask those without these experiences, not to allow themselves to assume, their notions are somehow superior, or even able to help me.
I am grateful, in that, my growth here- mainly, "Being positive" and, "Being of good cheer" have truly, given me some real healing.
I can tell, because, when I return to the woman, I am much more centered, and able to engage her deeper (not from a terrified, traumatized, overwhelmed, human consciousness.)
This has been less than a 24 hour revelation. I am returning to her, to that realm. And in doing so, I feel, deep in the gut, that this is where I belong. In returning to her, I have accomplished many lifetimes more healing than if I kept on the path I felt Paul was leading me down.
Is my beingness, WITHIN, the OS? Perhaps this is where death comes in, my fate and destiny my not be out of the OS, but deep within it.
All I an say is, I am approaching the woman, as angry and dangerous as she is, and she truly is. This is a part of love. Love anchors me to her, regardless of her anger.
Unless I work this out with her, to whatever outcome- I can never be whole.
I connected with her earlier, a version of her likely able to be discerned, and she admitted, while she is angry with me- she loves me, as much as, I love her.
I wouldn't trade existence anywhere else, not unfathomable astral realms, worlds of shimmering light, or pouring out my godlike powers over other realms to create worlds and universes, for time spent with her.
A man, accused me of simping for her, and he is right- I do, and am. Many humans could only, even but briefly consider my connection with her- let alone hop-e for it, let along even briefly experience it in the insanity of their imaginations- let alone experience it as I have, first-hand.
I am returning to her. I am opening the door to her, acknowledging her feelings, and allowing her to connect with me, and do as she pleases- including to terminate her connection with me, if she desires it.
I am told to detach from her to be whole- which would require me to pull the vein out of her heart, would that kill her? Harm her? Would I find out, later, that she died of a broken heart, weeping for me, curled up and forgotten- and that it would be, my fault, to try to be whole?
How whole would I be, then. How whole could I be. And these things have been common in my life, tragedies- so I am waking up and guarding myself, and others, against them.
Paul says, well if ti is difficult, then perhaps it will be a painful, but necessary learning experience for her! She would thank me for it in her next life!
Quite so, Paul, quite so!
Well, then, by that logic, let me walk around dousing humans with gasoline, and setting them on fire, not too much so they die- but end up burn victims, suffering the horrendous agony of skin grafts, flesh cleaning after severe burns- so that they become stronger.
Man, I can feel my humanness kicking in, and attempting to wash this away.
How can I blame anyone- you simply do not know, nor can you. To even come close- and even then- you would have had to experience bodily death and consciousness transfer. It is a precedent that is irreplaceable, and opens a door that as I discovered in 2021, is not open to anyone else.
Even those with NDEs, perhaps are still, even limited by their humanness!
This makes my experiences, as I am, sadly, but perhaps fateful finding out, makes me, the one percent, or the one percent of humans experiencing paranormal things, including consciousness transfer.
I would ask those without these experiences, not to allow themselves to assume, their notions are somehow superior, or even able to help me.
I am grateful, in that, my growth here- mainly, "Being positive" and, "Being of good cheer" have truly, given me some real healing.
I can tell, because, when I return to the woman, I am much more centered, and able to engage her deeper (not from a terrified, traumatized, overwhelmed, human consciousness.)
This has been less than a 24 hour revelation. I am returning to her, to that realm. And in doing so, I feel, deep in the gut, that this is where I belong. In returning to her, I have accomplished many lifetimes more healing than if I kept on the path I felt Paul was leading me down.
Is my beingness, WITHIN, the OS? Perhaps this is where death comes in, my fate and destiny my not be out of the OS, but deep within it.
All I an say is, I am approaching the woman, as angry and dangerous as she is, and she truly is. This is a part of love. Love anchors me to her, regardless of her anger.
Unless I work this out with her, to whatever outcome- I can never be whole.
I connected with her earlier, a version of her likely able to be discerned, and she admitted, while she is angry with me- she loves me, as much as, I love her.
I wouldn't trade existence anywhere else, not unfathomable astral realms, worlds of shimmering light, or pouring out my godlike powers over other realms to create worlds and universes, for time spent with her.
A man, accused me of simping for her, and he is right- I do, and am. Many humans could only, even but briefly consider my connection with her- let alone hop-e for it, let along even briefly experience it in the insanity of their imaginations- let alone experience it as I have, first-hand.
I am returning to her. I am opening the door to her, acknowledging her feelings, and allowing her to connect with me, and do as she pleases- including to terminate her connection with me, if she desires it.
I am told to detach from her to be whole- which would require me to pull the vein out of her heart, would that kill her? Harm her? Would I find out, later, that she died of a broken heart, weeping for me, curled up and forgotten- and that it would be, my fault, to try to be whole?
How whole would I be, then. How whole could I be. And these things have been common in my life, tragedies- so I am waking up and guarding myself, and others, against them.
Paul says, well if ti is difficult, then perhaps it will be a painful, but necessary learning experience for her! She would thank me for it in her next life!
Quite so, Paul, quite so!
Well, then, by that logic, let me walk around dousing humans with gasoline, and setting them on fire, not too much so they die- but end up burn victims, suffering the horrendous agony of skin grafts, flesh cleaning after severe burns- so that they become stronger.
Hey, they'll thank me in few lives for that strength, won't they. If I find a beloved spouse, why not do the same to her?? Because I love her, right?
That is as much preposterous bullshit as the idea that harming her will make her stronger- regardless of her actions towards me.
And, admitting, without correction, she may be, a wild, unreasonable, and uncontrolled woman- I do not know.
Even in, endeavoring to connect with her yesterday, I felt a sudden flood of motivation, to finish my overland vehicle, a hope, real hope! It lasted, only for a moment.
All I have experienced with the path I assume Paul wants me on, is hardship, struggling, fear, emptiness, and etc- while also admitting, I have a history, of changing momentums moments before a breakthrough? Knowing, in a way, Paul may be right? What, if I, "end up" in the realm of the wolf girl, only to be a broken up half rotted corpse that cannot move, and will never see, or hear from her, again? Or, I am with her, and she decides to nibble on me, while I am fully conscious of it- I nearly did not survive it the first time, and I had another body in which to hide from the horror and agony!
I prefer to heal myself- while also, honoring her, who, holds a part of me in her, and her, also- in me.
This is an atypical union that is not understood.
I have yet to come into contact with any human who understands it. Superficial acceptance is the best I can hope for, and that is rare.
So, I am once again, plunged into darkness, and alone. With a new trajectory.
That nobody understands but me.
That nobody understands but me.