My journey to this planet, struggles, spirit spouse
Oct 16, 2022 1:57:35 GMT 9.5
Post by tundrawolf on Oct 16, 2022 1:57:35 GMT 9.5
Last night I took some cannabis- the party fates told me to go get boozed up for this special occasion, but I wrestled with it, and cannabis seemed to be the better option, as alcohol has stomach related health effects for me that are not positive...
What was I celebrating- the willingness to go see Wolf Girl... To walk into the darkness, possibly the last thing I ever do... The danger ever- present, if not from the greys, from the beings that live down there with her, the winged creature was like a lizard-moth, some strange species I had never seen- and it seemed... Carnivorous... Large centipedes... Everything I've ever feared- which makes me also believe... I have been there before... The beings of "hell"...
Well, sometimes Cannabis forces me to confront the unseen realities I try to avoid, or perhaps I am not aware of: it makes them ever-present... Which is not comfortable, but necessary...
During my trip last night, my blustering here came up... And how much she hates it...
Even the idea that, I am wrong about everything, there were even spirits and fears that Asrael doesn't even exist... At all... Or, that she is in some unreachable dimension of... Whatever.
That the tour of the base, was not real... In the arctic circle.
The day that I discovered my purpose here, to save/help/be the companion/friend/more to the wolf girl- the excitement was gone the next morning, as if it never existed- the things I experienced having been real- but I am not immune to propaganda...
The visions of her, seeing her standing there, feeling her heart beat in my chest... And her angry responses to my questions...
And... Seeing her face... In the darkness, her muzzle... Approaching my spiritual body... And his guttural terror of her... I was in agony, the terror so real, it HURT my physical body...
If that was faked and not real, then I should just return to my home planet and realm and leave this place forever, because truth does not exist here...
I wrestled with it... With wolf girl... With everything- and yes, the willingness to meet her... in the darkness, the last thing I may ever do... Walking into a trap? It's almost certain...
Will they take me, as I sleep, as they have done? Will this night (Last one) be my final moments alive in this realm?
As I wrestled with it, I sort of... Fell on my knees spiritually speaking, at the feet of Asrael... And asked her... My own head, low in submission to her- seeing the wretchedness still present within me... What her heart requires and desires from my own..
And the answer, that was... Basically purity and innocence...
But my ASSUMPTIONS... about her... That she is... Potentially... the villain... According to my emotional body... Maybe. Maybe Not even Asrael herself knew what she was doing... The eons fermented HATRED I felt at the beginning of the merciless attack on my soul... Where did that come from? If from her- at best- only partially- Where is it, now? Has this long, and brutal transformation I have been enduring for two decades, my penance for forgotten sins against her? To turn me into a being that satiated her- or the realm's anger...
Paul said, there are beings that are NOT happy i am here... If Asrael is ONE of them...
Is her heart in my chest and mine in hers- part of my mission, to win the enemy over to the side of whatever it is is happening here...
Last night I pushed into the darkness... Seemingly through storms with no end... Through the bitter, biting cold into my own demise...
Do you REALLY want to do this? All of the attraction aside... I saw visions of me... Breaking down and having a mental collapse upon seeing her...
Wrestling and struggling within myself... Facing the very thing that I am simultaneously gutturally terrified of, and yet love more than my own existence...
But I did not back down. I walked into the darkness. And, then I went to bed...
Not knowing if I was going to wake up, again... Or find myself in the tangible darkness.
Well, This morning I woke up- and my gut issue, the wrenching, twisting terror that manifests as ever present physical pain... It felt as if it experienced some healing in very deep ways- Wounding that... She may be responsible for...
And, so, using her heart as my guide... We both explored the caverns of my mind, and began chipping away at things I never knew were in there...
A person I told about Ms. Asrael told me... Hatred is love turned inside out... And, as I work on myself, Asrael goes from, being an imposing terrorist... To a gentle wolf woman who harbors no hatred of anyone, or anything, and just want's to live in peace... A warm hearted woman who knows her husband who loves her more than life itself is in there, somewhere... And all the walls he put up to protect himself from this realm, from her, even- are keeping her heart alone, in the darkness... Cold, and frozen... Alone, and angrier by the moment...
But, this morning I had more peace- and it was tentative, as it was mixed with the idea of selling all my hoarded "Comforting possessions" that are simultaneously, hindering my life, my peace, and my progression as a human, and at the same time, giving the wreckage of my soul a comfortable place to... ferment, fester and die...
I have people coming to help clean all this stuff up so I can live the life of a minimalist... And the reality of the breakthroughs that seemed to hatch this very morning...
Do you want be to "locked in" with a vicious wolf girl... Alone with her...
I AM WILLING... The block, here, is... Not me... But, it is her... As I work on myself, it... Allows her character to emerge from the debris, she has been there, the whole time, desiring to find comfort, find a home within my own being, and as I mine her character out, a woman who wants nothing to do with adversity begins to emerge- a woman, who's essence is purity, good, love, kindness, honor and loyalty begins to emerge...
At her deepest core, my bride is the most gentle woman I have ever met... And any fears I have are because I am pushing her heart away...
Could it be that, in pursuing her heart, I find myself?
As I mine my own soul for the debris that is the enemy of her truth... I see parts of myself I never knew existed, anathema to her heart... How did it get there? A manipulation of the OS?
I hold onto the heart light- and let it be my guide- it drills deeper than my will is capable of, going to the root of the marrow...
For her...
And, in a way, I cannot contain my excitement over the possibility of meeting this powerful woman... Who has existed in the darkness for so long...
When I weigh my heart on the scales of justice... I find that, even Asrael's list only goes so far... But it can be much longer- when weighed against Love itself...
And I told the greys, I want to remember EVERYTHING... The time-loop showing me I have already met her, multiple times, in several outcomes, but have yet to experience it in this reality...
What will I do? Reach out to her, to take my hand, knowing full well, she is willing to become vulnerable on a level that is the reverse of her imposing frame? Outwardly, a monster of unfathomable horror, inwardly- a gentle, frightened little girl who does not know what to do... Who's heart she once clinged to, turning cold and pushing away from her...
The anger, the RAGE I felt... Against me... During the attack... Could it be, she regrets that, now? Could it be, that she has forgotten it, and I am the only one who is holding onto it, while she herself is made sick by it, because I am NOT that person any more, now?
I see... Such a future in store... For her, and I both... And even the greys... Seemingly, friendly, compliant, loving, nurturing and supportive- though to the fearful me- it does not seem so at all...
So, i must keep working on myself... As her heart guides me, to release the blockages to her resonance... releasing my expectations, prejudices, and suppositions of a still, yet, unclear yet clear as day, dynamic...
The "trip" to see her... Takes only moments... I could visit her, for days at a time and this world would be none the wiser... So attached to her, I cannot stand to not be in her presence... it being PAINFUl to be away from her... As I get to learn, all over again, the beauty of my wolf-bride...
Another dynamic came to me, yesterday, and that is, why a wolf woman? I don't have an answer, outside of, the grieving within my spirit that her people did not exist in this realm (That I knew, at the time)... Why, why a wolf person? As a tortured child, the love of the canine, selfless, ever present, to give from an endless well of compassion and acceptance, disarming itself of its innate offensive capabilities, only long enough to defend the family, the tribe... That endless supply of beauty not found in the innate human race... But, in a humanoid body, with hands to create... A mouth to speak. You can have an intellectual conversation with a canine- and I have- deep conversations that resonated on an empathic, guiding and healing emotional level- but with the Wolfen, she can speak back on a human level, if one desires intellect, a Wolfen can provide this, colored with the warmth of the well of the endless source of love that seems to be within the heart of every canine... An existence on a mutual wavelength, leaving a human wanting nothing... Without the weakness of self, and foibles innate with the "pure" human race, but with the selfless compassion and loyalty that is at the core of the wolf...
The very substrate of her being, her motive, her presence as being not purely one or the other but simultaneously "both"... No, what makes her special, is the very thing that seems to war within her, the coldness of the need for brutal survival as a helpless human with thin skin, no fur for insulation, not daggers in her mouth, or claws to tear, muscles to push her faster through the forest than any mere human, tempered against the nobility and honor of the wolf.
It is, known to me, the exciting, (tentatively... I see the rewards, but know the journey is just beginning... Best not to relish in the rewards before they are obtained, lest you rest in them, and not obtain them at all!) journey awaits me...
The meeting of Miss Asrael... More gentle and accepting than I thought, a heart of glass... And me seeing not her outward frame, but inward beauty- how can something so gossamer exist within that body, the very definition of dichotomy... And me, falling victim to judging the book by its cover, not bothering to read the story written within her heart... When our hearts resonated, did it not speak volumes of tender mercies and compassion? What, then, do I confess of my desire for her: Being her outward, fearsome frame? Is THAT what propels THIS? The base human desire for POWER?
Or, is the root, instead love... Could I love her if she existed within a fish, within a human, within a flea... Would I pursue her heart through the eons of time, if I knew I would find a prey animal?
Well, anyway, Last night was a difficult time, but I pushed through it... The scent of the perfume of me growing to accept her, of finding true love- in the most unlikely pairing... Of spending time with the woman, I saw, in the darkness, awaits me... I press forward boldly... Into certain death. Is this why she was turned-on when I saddled up onto the battlefield... Because, finding her, through the sands of time, is like giving of myself for her... Into the breech, the unknown, the possibility and likelihood of disaster, and not just disaster, but pointless immolation of potential, for the sake of reaching out to lay hold of what could kill me... Or complete me. Or fall short before the work is done...
And yet I am assured, as I press forward, I will be rewarded... It is, not taking shape as I assumed, and that is a good thing... Because, my old mind cannot fathom the breadth and width of the beauty that awaits me, a feast for my senses, my completion, my demise..
Last night, she had second thoughts... She found more adverse minerals within my constitution... I told her... Please... Even under adverse circumstances, if it's the last thing i do- please, agree to meet me... Just once... I want to see you... Just one time, if this is where our relationship ends... I went into the night, into the land of dreams, with this in my heart:
If it is the last thing I do, please... let me see you... As you are...
Sometimes, it is good, we do not get what we want so badly... When we want it... As I see, there is still a disarming of my defenses against her... that must come-down in order for her to be comfortable with such a meeting... So, as of yet, I have not met her... But I am filled with hope- for the future.
What was I celebrating- the willingness to go see Wolf Girl... To walk into the darkness, possibly the last thing I ever do... The danger ever- present, if not from the greys, from the beings that live down there with her, the winged creature was like a lizard-moth, some strange species I had never seen- and it seemed... Carnivorous... Large centipedes... Everything I've ever feared- which makes me also believe... I have been there before... The beings of "hell"...
Well, sometimes Cannabis forces me to confront the unseen realities I try to avoid, or perhaps I am not aware of: it makes them ever-present... Which is not comfortable, but necessary...
During my trip last night, my blustering here came up... And how much she hates it...
Even the idea that, I am wrong about everything, there were even spirits and fears that Asrael doesn't even exist... At all... Or, that she is in some unreachable dimension of... Whatever.
That the tour of the base, was not real... In the arctic circle.
The day that I discovered my purpose here, to save/help/be the companion/friend/more to the wolf girl- the excitement was gone the next morning, as if it never existed- the things I experienced having been real- but I am not immune to propaganda...
The visions of her, seeing her standing there, feeling her heart beat in my chest... And her angry responses to my questions...
And... Seeing her face... In the darkness, her muzzle... Approaching my spiritual body... And his guttural terror of her... I was in agony, the terror so real, it HURT my physical body...
If that was faked and not real, then I should just return to my home planet and realm and leave this place forever, because truth does not exist here...
I wrestled with it... With wolf girl... With everything- and yes, the willingness to meet her... in the darkness, the last thing I may ever do... Walking into a trap? It's almost certain...
Will they take me, as I sleep, as they have done? Will this night (Last one) be my final moments alive in this realm?
As I wrestled with it, I sort of... Fell on my knees spiritually speaking, at the feet of Asrael... And asked her... My own head, low in submission to her- seeing the wretchedness still present within me... What her heart requires and desires from my own..
And the answer, that was... Basically purity and innocence...
But my ASSUMPTIONS... about her... That she is... Potentially... the villain... According to my emotional body... Maybe. Maybe Not even Asrael herself knew what she was doing... The eons fermented HATRED I felt at the beginning of the merciless attack on my soul... Where did that come from? If from her- at best- only partially- Where is it, now? Has this long, and brutal transformation I have been enduring for two decades, my penance for forgotten sins against her? To turn me into a being that satiated her- or the realm's anger...
Paul said, there are beings that are NOT happy i am here... If Asrael is ONE of them...
Is her heart in my chest and mine in hers- part of my mission, to win the enemy over to the side of whatever it is is happening here...
Last night I pushed into the darkness... Seemingly through storms with no end... Through the bitter, biting cold into my own demise...
Do you REALLY want to do this? All of the attraction aside... I saw visions of me... Breaking down and having a mental collapse upon seeing her...
Wrestling and struggling within myself... Facing the very thing that I am simultaneously gutturally terrified of, and yet love more than my own existence...
But I did not back down. I walked into the darkness. And, then I went to bed...
Not knowing if I was going to wake up, again... Or find myself in the tangible darkness.
Well, This morning I woke up- and my gut issue, the wrenching, twisting terror that manifests as ever present physical pain... It felt as if it experienced some healing in very deep ways- Wounding that... She may be responsible for...
And, so, using her heart as my guide... We both explored the caverns of my mind, and began chipping away at things I never knew were in there...
A person I told about Ms. Asrael told me... Hatred is love turned inside out... And, as I work on myself, Asrael goes from, being an imposing terrorist... To a gentle wolf woman who harbors no hatred of anyone, or anything, and just want's to live in peace... A warm hearted woman who knows her husband who loves her more than life itself is in there, somewhere... And all the walls he put up to protect himself from this realm, from her, even- are keeping her heart alone, in the darkness... Cold, and frozen... Alone, and angrier by the moment...
But, this morning I had more peace- and it was tentative, as it was mixed with the idea of selling all my hoarded "Comforting possessions" that are simultaneously, hindering my life, my peace, and my progression as a human, and at the same time, giving the wreckage of my soul a comfortable place to... ferment, fester and die...
I have people coming to help clean all this stuff up so I can live the life of a minimalist... And the reality of the breakthroughs that seemed to hatch this very morning...
Do you want be to "locked in" with a vicious wolf girl... Alone with her...
I AM WILLING... The block, here, is... Not me... But, it is her... As I work on myself, it... Allows her character to emerge from the debris, she has been there, the whole time, desiring to find comfort, find a home within my own being, and as I mine her character out, a woman who wants nothing to do with adversity begins to emerge- a woman, who's essence is purity, good, love, kindness, honor and loyalty begins to emerge...
At her deepest core, my bride is the most gentle woman I have ever met... And any fears I have are because I am pushing her heart away...
Could it be that, in pursuing her heart, I find myself?
As I mine my own soul for the debris that is the enemy of her truth... I see parts of myself I never knew existed, anathema to her heart... How did it get there? A manipulation of the OS?
I hold onto the heart light- and let it be my guide- it drills deeper than my will is capable of, going to the root of the marrow...
For her...
And, in a way, I cannot contain my excitement over the possibility of meeting this powerful woman... Who has existed in the darkness for so long...
When I weigh my heart on the scales of justice... I find that, even Asrael's list only goes so far... But it can be much longer- when weighed against Love itself...
And I told the greys, I want to remember EVERYTHING... The time-loop showing me I have already met her, multiple times, in several outcomes, but have yet to experience it in this reality...
What will I do? Reach out to her, to take my hand, knowing full well, she is willing to become vulnerable on a level that is the reverse of her imposing frame? Outwardly, a monster of unfathomable horror, inwardly- a gentle, frightened little girl who does not know what to do... Who's heart she once clinged to, turning cold and pushing away from her...
The anger, the RAGE I felt... Against me... During the attack... Could it be, she regrets that, now? Could it be, that she has forgotten it, and I am the only one who is holding onto it, while she herself is made sick by it, because I am NOT that person any more, now?
I see... Such a future in store... For her, and I both... And even the greys... Seemingly, friendly, compliant, loving, nurturing and supportive- though to the fearful me- it does not seem so at all...
So, i must keep working on myself... As her heart guides me, to release the blockages to her resonance... releasing my expectations, prejudices, and suppositions of a still, yet, unclear yet clear as day, dynamic...
The "trip" to see her... Takes only moments... I could visit her, for days at a time and this world would be none the wiser... So attached to her, I cannot stand to not be in her presence... it being PAINFUl to be away from her... As I get to learn, all over again, the beauty of my wolf-bride...
Another dynamic came to me, yesterday, and that is, why a wolf woman? I don't have an answer, outside of, the grieving within my spirit that her people did not exist in this realm (That I knew, at the time)... Why, why a wolf person? As a tortured child, the love of the canine, selfless, ever present, to give from an endless well of compassion and acceptance, disarming itself of its innate offensive capabilities, only long enough to defend the family, the tribe... That endless supply of beauty not found in the innate human race... But, in a humanoid body, with hands to create... A mouth to speak. You can have an intellectual conversation with a canine- and I have- deep conversations that resonated on an empathic, guiding and healing emotional level- but with the Wolfen, she can speak back on a human level, if one desires intellect, a Wolfen can provide this, colored with the warmth of the well of the endless source of love that seems to be within the heart of every canine... An existence on a mutual wavelength, leaving a human wanting nothing... Without the weakness of self, and foibles innate with the "pure" human race, but with the selfless compassion and loyalty that is at the core of the wolf...
The very substrate of her being, her motive, her presence as being not purely one or the other but simultaneously "both"... No, what makes her special, is the very thing that seems to war within her, the coldness of the need for brutal survival as a helpless human with thin skin, no fur for insulation, not daggers in her mouth, or claws to tear, muscles to push her faster through the forest than any mere human, tempered against the nobility and honor of the wolf.
It is, known to me, the exciting, (tentatively... I see the rewards, but know the journey is just beginning... Best not to relish in the rewards before they are obtained, lest you rest in them, and not obtain them at all!) journey awaits me...
The meeting of Miss Asrael... More gentle and accepting than I thought, a heart of glass... And me seeing not her outward frame, but inward beauty- how can something so gossamer exist within that body, the very definition of dichotomy... And me, falling victim to judging the book by its cover, not bothering to read the story written within her heart... When our hearts resonated, did it not speak volumes of tender mercies and compassion? What, then, do I confess of my desire for her: Being her outward, fearsome frame? Is THAT what propels THIS? The base human desire for POWER?
Or, is the root, instead love... Could I love her if she existed within a fish, within a human, within a flea... Would I pursue her heart through the eons of time, if I knew I would find a prey animal?
Well, anyway, Last night was a difficult time, but I pushed through it... The scent of the perfume of me growing to accept her, of finding true love- in the most unlikely pairing... Of spending time with the woman, I saw, in the darkness, awaits me... I press forward boldly... Into certain death. Is this why she was turned-on when I saddled up onto the battlefield... Because, finding her, through the sands of time, is like giving of myself for her... Into the breech, the unknown, the possibility and likelihood of disaster, and not just disaster, but pointless immolation of potential, for the sake of reaching out to lay hold of what could kill me... Or complete me. Or fall short before the work is done...
And yet I am assured, as I press forward, I will be rewarded... It is, not taking shape as I assumed, and that is a good thing... Because, my old mind cannot fathom the breadth and width of the beauty that awaits me, a feast for my senses, my completion, my demise..
Last night, she had second thoughts... She found more adverse minerals within my constitution... I told her... Please... Even under adverse circumstances, if it's the last thing i do- please, agree to meet me... Just once... I want to see you... Just one time, if this is where our relationship ends... I went into the night, into the land of dreams, with this in my heart:
If it is the last thing I do, please... let me see you... As you are...
Sometimes, it is good, we do not get what we want so badly... When we want it... As I see, there is still a disarming of my defenses against her... that must come-down in order for her to be comfortable with such a meeting... So, as of yet, I have not met her... But I am filled with hope- for the future.