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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 17, 2023 14:59:17 GMT 9.5
I have nothing to prove to you.. you will believe what you want regardless.
I want to be teachable.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 17, 2023 15:05:29 GMT 9.5
I am asking you, to help me believe along the lines you do.
You have, helped me, and as I read what I wrote, my heart broke, over the real help you offered: but at the same time, was grieved that you did not understand my point of view. It felt like, you were here to harm me, and cause me separation. That's what it felt like. I want to see your side of it. I do not know how to ask you, to help me see it from your perspective. I am your friend in earnest, and perhaps, like you, I always will be. I want to believe in you
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 17, 2023 15:08:02 GMT 9.5
Please: I am from the Draco, and their understanding, is similar to my own: I am a Draco, and we do not think like you do. Please, I am trying to adopt your form of thinking. We are, cut and dry, there is no room for mercy, but I want to make some.
Please, be compassionate with me, as we are not used to taking in other beliefs.
This is why, I am so quick to draw blood, as you have said, we have no mercy for our own.
But, I want to incorporate mercy into our system. This, is our way of learning as well. Please, do not forsake it, sammy.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 17, 2023 15:12:46 GMT 9.5
further: and you may quote as you please, you simultaneously decry the AR15 as a weapon of military power: And also decry its effective use against the military: you are both, right and wrong. If you wished to defend Asrael, I would have wanted you to do it, early on, and not at the last minute. Do say, you have committed no wrongs, is to me to be wrong. I hold nothing against Asrael. Just, that I think you two have something together. Am I wrong?
Tell me how, the old king died by your hand, and there was no blood.
Yet you accuse me of drawing blood: Do you never take your actions into account? How easy it would be to deny everything i have done.
You know what dude? That you say calling you a piece of shit, over nothing, is proof all you want to do is deflect what you have done.
You are unaccountable. naw. sammy never does anything wrong.
He is guiltless
I look forward to holding you accountable for your actions, as much as you have tried to hide them.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 17, 2023 15:36:46 GMT 9.5
I am not doing this any more. Anyone can hurl insults. All you offer is, offer ad hominem attacks, and proof, while deflecting your own guilt.
You can try and escape what you have done: you will not. You will be judged fairly. tell me I am judging you unfairly.
Like everyone else.
I have tried to be fair and impartial, and all you have done is lob insults at me.
Keep at it, i guess, rather than giving fair rebuttals. I have tried being impartial.
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Post by paul on Feb 17, 2023 16:08:12 GMT 9.5
Tundra - I suggest you take a week off.
You bounce off the walls with little self-observation.
If you cannot do the Flame you may have to wait for the rising tide that lifts all craft. The tide should be here by 2080
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 17, 2023 23:43:19 GMT 9.5
Tundra - I suggest you take a week off. You bounce off the walls with little self-observation. If you cannot do the Flame you may have to wait for the rising tide that lifts all craft. The tide should be here by 2080
Okay.
You are only correct.
Please, allow me to, voice, what I am going through, in my journey.
I have reconnected, with the tribe, and with Asrael: and have seen her, in a new light, and from her perspective, and from sammie's.
This is where I am struggling.
The tribe, Eden, and especially sammy, have all, wanted, me, to, be, "perfect", it feels like.
I am beginning to understand the hearts, for me.
This is my, struggle, that I feel like, is being totally ignored: You want me, to endure what I have been through: and just be perfect.
I will not allow harm to come to you. Any of you.
Further: You are wrong: I am self-observing: I am being honest: Would you rather, me hold it in, and not change?
Please, show me some empathy, some compassion.
What I have endured, would twist beings into monsters, and I am, trying to come out of this, a changed man.
It boggles me, how, beings, can see what I have endured and continue to struggle with: and judge me for not being, perfectly aligned with them...
When, i am trying to get-right, trying to change, trying to, see things from another's perspective: Trying to filter out the old king's toxicity.
This morning, I connected with Asrael and felt her devotion to me. She is, a good woman.
I did not know this.
All I felt from her, was rejection: how did you think I would react?
This had to happen, so that I could see the real her. All I had: was speculation.
And, it is the same with you, sammy.
Do you not, know, that I have suffered and struggled through, things that would break, a normal person- and not just once: but constantly?
Do I need to remind you, YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS.
It seems, as if I have little to no self-introspection: And it seems this way: but the truth is, self introspection is ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING.
I am trying to FIND THE TRUTH.
Do not, sit back, and wag your finger at me, judging me: when you haven't the SLIGHTEST clue, what it is like, to be me, and to survive what is happening to me: But I know all you have are my words.
I am, asking for mercy, for softness, for kindness, for empathy.
For patience, while I go through this, while the pendulum swings, SOME OF YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE: Some understanding that I am not stable, but I am trying to be, you do not know the BURDEN a king must endure, the suffering, the horror: And not in theory: I have been, EATEN ALIVE AND TORTURED.
This is, not an easy thing to endure, nor should I be expected, to, just, be your perfect archetype.
I AM TRYING. In earnest.
After seeing Asrael's heart, this morning, clearer, and trying to understand sammy, I have new things to consider: Will you put me through hell, to change, and be angry, when I am in the throws, of earnestly, trying to be a better person?
I did not have this information, previously. I am asking for some compassion, some sympathy, maybe, for what I have been through. I will not, be put through this, volunteer for it: to be criticized, when I am struggling, and the wolfen: admit, they have made my life hard. They admit, they, too, have made mistakes: recently.
Is this, not a journey of self discovery...
The wolfen, admit to me, they understand, my reaction to their, "test", and- I admit, that I reacted harshly: But this is my right. That said, and I know, the pendulum swings, but: My love for the wolfen is real. I was angry, as I have a right to be: But judging someone in the middle of a trial, is unfair. especially, when you have set-out to ask them to change: Try changing yourself, and see how hard it is, and this is why you should not be hard on someone who is trying, to change themselves. Especially a king, and especially someone who has, and continues to struggle, as I have.
I have fucked up. I have hurt hearts. Asraels love for me, remains steadfast. I can see that, now: I did not know she cared. I did not know. Can you hate me, for not understanding something I am trying to, comprehend?
Can you judge me, for not being ignorant: I am not you.
I do not know what you know, but I am trying. The old king's memories, have been removed from me: and I am trying to change.
Yes: I beg for forgiveness, a true friend would remain with me as I struggle to do better. I do not believe a good friend would stand in judgment of me, as I am struggling. I am TRYING to see it from your point of view, will you just, abandon me, now? I am, for the first time in my life, trying to see it from your point of view, to be in control of my emotions.
There are, forces, possibly good forces: they are constantly testing and trying me, pushing against me, and perhaps I wrongly assigned blame, to others.
Will you, put me through this, and criticise and judge me, knowing I am ignorant? Some, connection, some, empathy, some compassion, some, seeing my pain: would have been appreciated: but all I have received is criticism and resistance: The wolfen, admit this to me.
I do not want harm to come to anyone.
The wolfen admit they made a mistake. I, admit, I made a mistake, although the wolfen do understand, my reaction.
Yes. I see that Asrael loves me. Do you know this is the first time I have realized this?
You have put me through hell, you have, thrown every trial at me in existence, all I have ever done is try to remain steadfast in my love for you, which is why this has been such a struggle: I can see why you judge me, but please, understand: you are not me. You are, observing me, from a high vantage point, from a tower, looking down on me, as I struggle, and suffer, and strive, against all odds you have laid against me: to do better. To be a better man.
Is this not, what this is all about? Is me, learning? Is me, improving?
Have you, no compassion for what I am enduring, as if, it was a small thing: Because you are not suffering as I am, you think: I am not suffering? Do you, not know, what suffering, does to an individual?
You only have my words. You do not know my heart. And, I am trying to be honest: good and bad: and, I am asking you to be, not my judge: but my guide.
I am asking for forgiveness. Yes, again. Yes: It may happen again. I, cannot flip a switch, and, be perfect, and make perfect decisions. Is this not, why I am here? I know, I have more work to do: and I am doing it. You, are not wrong. Will you give me the compassion, the space, to do better? One thing you cannot fault me for: I am trying. I am doing the work. I am, allowing my core being (Do you know, how hard this is?) to be, questioned, and changed: But maybe I am not working hard enough.
I am trying.
Please, have some mercy.
Asrael: Forgive me. I did not know what I was saying.
I didn't know you cared.
I did not know you loved me.
All I felt was rejection.
Please, bear with me, and have compassion on someone who loves you. I am sorry, wolfen. Forgive me. I did not know.
But, I am learning.
I will, take time off from this. Please, as I try and see things from your perspective: please, try and see things from mine. A little compassion can go a long way. My struggle here, is extreme. In a way, I am overwhelmed. My entire life here.
Please, forgive me- and grant me the mercy to become a better person, grant me the space, continue to give me, infinite chances, do not judge me, as I am not the person I was yesterday (You are judging someone who does not exist any more.)
Please, give me the opportunity, to take this new information, and process it, and to change.
It is unfair, to reveal to me the truth, or allow me to discover it: only to turn your backs on me when I know it: This is a TRIAL not a VERDICT. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself... But, I needed to know, what I know today.
Do I need to say more? I am grateful to the wolfen, for seeing things from my perspective.
Know this: I want to be the person you want me to be. And, i am trying.
I have, reviewed my words to you, sammy, and have, recalled the words you have spoken to me, and I acknowledge, your side of this. I would ask you, to do a thorough self examination, as my friend, and see if you have any resentment of me, and to deal with it: if you are to be my friend. I do not think I am wrong about this, but if I am, I admit i may have made a mistake: But I do not know if I am wrong. Can you, put yourself in my shoes?
I will try my best to release my, false beliefs, and start over. To grow closer to the archetype that is before me. Thank you for understanding.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 1:29:34 GMT 9.5
I didn't know. The wolfen have been playing a game with me, and I took it as, truth. There, is a part of me that is playing the game with them: But the game is terrible to him: You have seen the words he has said. Many people want to be a king, until it is time, to do, king things. It is, like being a loving father over many children: who never grow up, and constantly need care, love, and discipline, not only for their lives: but for the duration of yours! As a king, you are, never given the chance to, rest and settle down without worry... You are, always, "kinging". I didn't know. I am, in tears. The wolfen came to me and ministered to me this morning, they told me, not only do they love me, dearly, they want me back: Desperately. The, old me, had the opposite view, and was terrified of losing them: This is why they admit they went, "too far" with their, "vote", because my response was justified, they understand, and they are penitent, and, it has caused some issues, that I have successfully (my heart is broken over what I had to do. While the tribe is grieving- they also know, they caused this as well. There is a possibility that, the events set into motion will, not come to pass- sometimes mercy between kings, is appreciated. However, they may also have to come to pass.) resolved, but, if I were to discuss them, would only, bring more pain. Asrael, she stood on her beautiful feet, halfway turned from me, this morning, as I sat, behind a desk, outside, in Eden. She had placed, her love for me, her heart: on the desk, and was preparing to do as I asked her: Last night, after, I was, "told" the wolfen had voted me out of the tribe, I told them: I no longer wanted anything to do with them: and, specifically, Asrael.
I... have been struggling and suffering, and striving, and trying to be with the wolfen, and specifically, with Asrael, my queen, whom I love, I meant it in earnest (as much as I could. Can a father really, cast out his beloved children? I tried. But, I could not fully. I was, hurt, and angry.) last night: When I rebuked them and cast them out of my presence.
She, this morning, uncovered her love for me, the love she has in her heart, and was unwilling, to leave me: She loves me more than I can imagine. She, would, not be able to, stop loving me. I will put it like that...
She asked me, am I REALLY wanting her to leave:
With all of my being: no. I am, giving you the option to leave, as it is the loving thing to do, but no: You ARE, my sun, my moon, and my stars, Asrael.
I saw her: half turned, her pure, snow white fur, her eyes downcast with tears, asking me: Am I dismissing her (completely)? I asked her, if she could leave, even if I did: She could not. She would, sit in front of the desk and weep: She would not know how to turn away, or to leave me: She is afraid of what it would do to her. She, is afraid of what she would do, after the reality of it, hit her. She is: vulnerable to me, and this, this is why she had to be so standoffish with me: it is not because she does not love me: it is because she loves me more than life itself.
And, giving of your acceptance to someone: Causes them to feel affirmed in their being, and as such, they, do not, "change".
And, Asrael knows I need to change.
I: Did not, know this. I: Felt endless rejection and hardship from her... And the tribe...
The tribe, admits, they have, treated me harshly and with cruelty: In their actions, spirit, and heart: however: they are also earnestly, wanting me back: and to change, (As I have... And am trying to embrace the version of me they, and others, want me to be.)
What, I considered to be reality: was only a game to them.
They are having difficulty, admitting how much suffering they have put me through (It is an issue, and, while this game may have been fun for them, the issue of, self-forgiveness, is now a thing, and many hearts are burdened over it.)
It wasn't until, I was willing to dismiss them, when they came to me and admitted the truth.
Was all of this pain, necessary: Yes? I think? To get me to strive to some out of my shell, to force me to, fully attempt to understand opinions, hearts, and minds, that are different from my own...
To, see that the old kings ways, needed correction: How do you correct, a KING!?
I love the wolfen. I am, for lack of a better term: Addicted to them. Like, a beloved family dog. You never want to stay too far from them for too long. But; obviously, not "dogs", that is somewhat demeaning but i know no other parallel to use. Only, that hearts and minds will understand.
It goes, so much deeper than that: as the wolfen have also, been my wife, my children, by beloved family. It, goes so deep, as their old king once, gave of himself in them: The wolfen are inside of my DNA. And I, am inside of theirs as well: The bond we share, transcends reality, as many people understand it.
The bond of a king for his beloved people.
I, cannot expect people outside of this dynamic, to fully understand: And that has been a source of frustration for me: Adding to the loneliness, of being, "king".
If people, could see my burdens, and understand the myriad of struggles I face that are NOT shared by the rest of humanity, most people wouldn't touch my job with a ten foot pole, let alone try to understand it.
And, yet, these people are judging me: Adding to my anger and frustration.
But, the wolfen understand.
And Asrael loves me. I didn't know! I was only shown her face clearly, weeks ago!
She has, exposed herself to me, in full vulnerability, and all I can do now, is be as humble and gentle as I possibly know how to be, and harmless, and detach from them, as I have been saying, to embrace, "myself".
As, worried, and concerned as she, and the wolfen are about me: They are, also, simultaneously, relieved they are now being honest with me (and me, too.)
And yes, I was drinking last night.
My girlfriend, texted me this morning, "You're horrible and rotten to the core. You are so evil you make the grinch look like a saint." (She spelled it, grench, with an e but you get the point...)
And, I received this message on my watch, and my spirit sunk: What had I been saying to her, last night? Did I, threaten her children, or something, absolutely evil? I was mortified, over what would, make her say this to me...
I had to see the damage I had done, while so drunk I pissed my bed: I had only asked her: "Am I evil, Brandie?"
I asked this, as a result of this thread, because: Am I wrong? About things I hold so deeply as true? Do I need to shift my perspective?
It is so true: Trying to change yourself is difficult, like performing surgery on yourself without anesthetic: And changing others, is nigh impossible.
The wolfen feel so awful for the suffering I have been through, they almost don't want me back. They acknowledge: it is necessary.
And, the transformation I am to take, away from them, is necessary, for me, to reset, so that, the man who emerges, who sets-foot back into the tribe, carries no ill will, no negative karma against the wolfen, no drama: He is only, love, and acceptance for them, fully- not only as his people, but as his beloved, sacred children.
And, when the wolfen see him: their instincts, hearts, spirits, and minds: will light up, knowing: This is our king. And, he loves us. He loves us with the love we have for ourselves: fully accepting us: fully forgiving us.
I have to, fully separate myself from them, release them, distance myself from them, and experience death, a THIRD TIME in my life, to be reborn... Do you see why, this is not a burden, a normal human would wish upon themselves?
I am the king, who makes their hearts sing.
Please, pray for me. That I can reach this high standard.
To the people concerned: This is a messy, dangerous, rough process. My girlfriend says, a caterpillar, goes through AGONY in the cocoon, changing their very being, only to emerge, a beautiful butterfly. I am, and have been, in agony. I cry out, I scream, I cuss, I throw punches. I get violent. I see, time, and time again, how I hurt and damage people who only care about me (I do not care about myself. If I did, i would not hurt others.)
I see what I put my friends through.
I, am in tears over it.
I, can only believe, if someone is my friend: they will remain my friend.
If: I cross lines and am, too toxic to be associated with: I understand people may have to distance themselves, and/or leave.
However, I also do know: If you are a friend, you are a friend. Some parts of your friends journey may not be suitable to accompany them, alongside, and I acknowledge this. I would ask, for people not to take things personally, as this is only how I feel: and right now: I only have my feelings. I say, and believe, things, that are not true to you: So I am adjusting my beliefs, to better suit your view of things: Not to simp to you: but to try to root out the darkness, and wrong beliefs in me: if they exist. Are you right? Am I right? How right, are we, then? You see something clearly in me: I do not see it at all, and accept it as "good". But, it is not, "good".
And, I need to change. That, is what this is all about. You are not on trial here: I am. The more I realize this, the more I want to strive to adhere to the high standard set before me.
Further: the due diligence of a true friend, does the same within himself. And I believe you do. Again, I am frustrated with the lack of empathy shown me, and yet, understanding some hard lessons are necessary.
Asrael: I am sorry. Go, and be upset, mourn, roll around in the dirt with your grief.
You are, every much, who I hoped you would be: Your being, fuels my hope. I, do not see you outside of myself, as a separate being: Your being, is what gives me hope.
Asrael: I love you.
Please, do not give up on me: only insomuch as you, too, need to change, to better suit this changing dynamic.
I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE "Better" WOLFEN.
If the tribe desires me to make, DIFFERENT wolfen, I will do that: Forgive me, for my stupid, god damned, moronic fucking words against you: You are beautiful people, and that you do not have the, killer instinct it takes to survive the things that I have: That does NOT make you inferior! It does not make you any less: in fact, it makes you better: it makes you untainted: Do not seek to be tainted. I am tainted. I may, "Look down" on those who are not, but that does not make me better- in fact, you see the damage I have done- it makes me WORSE.
My people: I love you. from the bottoms of your feet, to the hairs on the tips of your ears: You are my beloved. Everything in between- including the scent of your tailholes! I love you. I am, in love with you: I have the love for you, that I do, for Asrael. She is, just special to me: but you are all special to me. And, I love each of you, individually: I love you with a passion and a love that is even greater than myself.
Do not feel jealous of Asrael: If you want me to love you, similarly: come to me. I will make every effort, to give of myself to you: So long as it does not interfere with other aspects of my life, or yours. I can sense, a bit of jealousy there.
Let me, try to make it right.
And most of all: if ANYONE has ANYTHING to say to me: Be brave. Walk your beautiful, sexy, wolfy feet up to me, look me in the eye: and tell me EXACTLY how you feel, down to the smallest detail.
I want to know, EVERYTHING.
Further: if you are attracted to me, approach me. I will, know why you are in my view. It, will be, my sincere pleasure- so long as Asrael is comfortable with it: to give of myself to you, to give you children: I will watch over, care for, and be a father to, any children I sire, in earnest. I may... Already have quite a few children with various women already: If I was absent with you before, I will no longer. If I have to make a community of my "Family", I will do it- to ensure you are not neglected and do not feel alone. (Like I do not care. I do.)
Thank you, wolfen, for understanding. I have fucked up. I have made mistakes (again).
With this new knowledge, I am, a bit more confident, that I can do better. That I can, meet the high standard set before me. Perhaps exceed it.
Those who know: know.
it is, perhaps, not that I am beset on all sides by my enemies: it is, perhaps, my friends, who are pushing me to be better. Maybe I should not consider them to be enemies any more.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 2:21:04 GMT 9.5
Further: There was an issue, with my, sexual, "hooking up" with other beings of my assigned gender, Asrael had issue with it, the feeling (Again. My outbursts are based on, my "feelings". While, I am trying to be in control of my emotions, and, I think I am doing- better than I have been, I am unsure, what emotions are real- and what are not. As Paul has said: I believe the more I am in control of my emotions, the truth will be revealed: I have been clawing and ripping and tearing my way through, trying to find meaning and truth, and perhaps this is not, the best course of action: As I struggle with my neural plasticity, I AM learning, I AM Growing, and I believe I will meet the Goal.) she, in a way, felt, she was, "losing" me to it.
As I explored it in earnest, she is not totally wrong: However, the answer came to me, and perhaps it was, from her. She, told me, I am having sex with these people, but not honoring my body, or theirs: and I am not acknowledging their human-ness, to love them, as vulnerable humans getting naked in some sexual exchange of bodily fluids, and after she told me this, I began to acknowledge, she is right, and, how much better sex can be- even with hookups- the only sorrow is, how random it is, not like a wife, or husband, you would have, nightly sex with, to satisfy you.
I think, the old king may have struggled, with this.
(As such, I now struggle with it: hence the trial.)
The aforementioned issue, with the aforementioned person, with the other, alluded to, ruler: Has been successfully resolved with all parties: You can stay. Nothing has changed.
(I can feel the tribe breathing a sigh of relief. This, was also quite a lesson for me as well. Two kingdoms, are somewhat unified- but the other knows, I need space, too- he understands- but he is also eager to have a presence here- we will work that out later. I... Do love him. I care for him, and we share a similar spirit. I... Do not ask people to try to understand. He is aware of his reputation. I, just know him better than most. We have, a history, And an affection. I may, have been his slave at one point: And like the biblical story of Joseph: worked my way up with honor, and was placed in a position of prestige and honor with him. We also... Share a heart. I am, aware of his reputation, as I said: I was his slave, once.)
Having to, reach out, with my heart, to genuinely connect with, and feel, anothers sensibilities, and, to satisfy them according to their terms, is exhausting work that takes tremendous energy: Yet I am having to do it, across worlds, with as many individuals as i want/can handle: I am trying to please as many people as I can.
This is, another weight on me, on the crown, on my head.
Heavy is the crown, but, as I grow, perhaps I can create the strength to bear it.
I am, trying to be, "perfect", and cannot be, it is impossible, so where is the line... Where is the line that gives me a break from balls to the wall striving for, meeting this high standard. I am told, I have already met it. I just need to be, "Perfected" to, "Walk in it".
Sammy: I am sorry.
Paul: Thank you for understanding, and helping me. I don't know where I would be without you.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 2:51:59 GMT 9.5
I'm... In the wrong here, I know this...
Please be patient with me, I am earnestly, trying to do better.
It may help to, imagine yourself, as a king: Having responsibilities, duties, tempers, passions, and not having to be the father to a child" But to thousands of them, millions, to a degree: And to another degree, you are responsible for, so many beings, in a lesser sense, that the word "Billion" is like, a single piece of sand, in an unfathomably large ocean: and the stress this creates: And, to be stripped bare of your dignity, ripped apart, sodomized, demeaned, humiliated openly, pissed on, and, then, to be told, you are to pick up your crown, and resume the duties, and not just resume them: But do them to such a degree, it is like asking a man who has not slept in three days: to run a marathon to it's completion, and beat his previous time, which he made, when he was rested and healthy: Except he is now obese, has health issues: And is trying to run that marathon anyway, and is actually doing quite well, but, is still, exhausted.
Combine this, with the fact that, I must, deal with, people, physically.
I know, the wolfen are, a thing, however, please understand this, too: When I talk to them, when I interact with them: It is, the one thing that brings me, joy, peace, and love, like, a veteran overseas, skype calling, his beloved wife and children. It is the one thing he looks forward to, for weeks, while fighting, and trying to stay alive, for a fight he now finds himself in.
Further: There is also the nine kingdoms I am dealing with: They are a place of chastisement, it can be a place of great and horrendous suffering that does not end like it does with humans: I am in the middle of it, too.
I, have the love of my life, distant from me, the woman who completes me, my other half: distant from me, she is, not with me (If she was with me, I do not believe I would have, "need" of being with other men, or even other women, I would, want only her. However, as I am alone, and she understands this: I deserve intimacy, and to feel connected with another person in this manner.)
My money is running out, and I have, projects that need money, I am, unique and valuable, and, I may be, doing menial labor- yes I know, it builds character, but can you imagine the dread...
And, I could be homeless at any time, kicked-off this place I am living, everything is, it feels like, being held over my head:
And my country is on the verge of, possibly, some form of collapse: I may, actually, have to take my firearms, the food I have collected, the water- even the horses on this ranch: and feed my loved ones, while constantly worrying about another armed person or group of individuals: Murdering me and my loved ones.
It is, ironic to me, that I actually am not bothered by, the discovery of aliens and UFOS- that is the LEAST of my worries.
And, to accept the brutality of the punishment i endured, the twisting and eviscerating of my, clones flesh, that I feel to this day, the agony, the horror I still endure: I still feel it!
I know, I signed up for this. I am trying to get through it. I feel, I have almost made peace with the beings who are holding this over me. (Befriending them.) Sammy, I do not know if this helps you: But it feels like you are one of them. Or, were. Like you are holding my entire life: my love: over me.
This is why I have been, begging you for compassion.
And, why I have been so angry. There is so much, I feel I do not understand. Can you understand, your friend feels so terribly helpless, right now? I know your worldview is different than mine, you have a much broader view of things, but can you understand, my much smaller world, is a hard place to be, right now? It is possible, there, is a being that has attached itself to me, that is, tricking me into believing, he is you: And when I think of you, this being, incites fear in me. Fear of losing... Asrael. Does that make sense? It feels like, you hate me. Maybe you were angry with the old king... I do not know what he did to make you so angry. Or, the spirit has attached itself TO you. I do, not know what to do about this. You, seem to be my friend. (In earnest). I do not know why I feel this way about you.
I know, the king loved you, deeply. I do not know how to reconcile this with you. We seem to have very different beliefs. Very different, life experiences. I know, I keep screwing up and asking for forgiveness: I know this. I know, people can only take so much.
I am trying to do better. I appreciate everyone who is sticking with me through this.
Thank you, for your encouragement in PMS. I did not know how to respond. Maybe we are better friends from a distance. It just feels like you hate me. And I don't know why. I want to, change what is making you angry, or this being, that has attached itself to you, or whatever is going on: but it feels like the anger is against who I am, and I am unsure, if I can, or want to change that, but I am willing to, to appease it, if it is beneficial somehow to my progress over this trial.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 3:02:22 GMT 9.5
I see my, astral body I think, it is transparent, it is, INFESTED with curses and negativity.
I tried, wrapping heart light around it, but I was cautioned, it is so damaged and injured, that healing is agonizing for him. I, pushed through anyway, as the "attack" on my soul, happened so fast, and I know, there may be, coming pain, in healing.
I am detaching from the wolfen and working on myself.
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Post by sammy on Feb 18, 2023 4:23:57 GMT 9.5
Yourself is what needs your focus, not people from another lifetime and nowhere in your current time. The rest will fall into place when the time is right.
Like I have stated many times.. I hold nothing against or over you.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 5:19:40 GMT 9.5
Yourself is what needs your focus, not people from another lifetime and nowhere in your current time. The rest will fall into place when the time is right. Like I have stated many times.. I hold nothing against or over you.
You are right, and thank you.
There is a VERY adverse being that is coming between you and I, and I am seeing this now. Thank you for understanding, I believe now that I have identified the problem, that I won't be so unstable in the future. You ARE a good friend, and when I get to Eden, I am simply going to offer my hand to you, and say nothing, with all the love in my heart for you. I have, been, "reading" this creature, as "you", and it is VERY adverse, it, likely, hates me, and is trying to ruin things for me. This is likely the result of a lot of confusion, and what I think is "you" in these visions, is actually, the creature. I am, unsure. Again- thank you for your help.
So, I detached from the wolfen, in earnest, and Asrael, and, they asked me, they told me: if I am leaving them, to please, say a goodbye speech to them, and so, i did, I was naked, and had to cover up, as, they were, "Watching" including the little ones.
I, detached from my emotions, to handle the situation, and I told them: I could not do it otherwise, as it would have, killed the old king, who's attributes, memories and such are still with me (and torture me not being with them, if I allow myself to be. Not after today, I think... Not after the wolfen shared their hearts with me this morning, and Asrael opened up to me like she did. She, took her front down and bared her heart fully for me to see.)
Well, I spoke with them, I told them, I loved them, they had, so many questions, wanted to know about this thing and that thing, but I was asked to close the porn I was watching on my computer, for obvious reasons, and, I was told, it wasn't just the wolfen who were listening, it was, most of Eden as well, as they are curious about the wolfen king (me) and what I am going to do.
Well, it turned into fairly long thing, as, they asked me, not to make it brief, as it was goodbye. (And I am trying to get laid in this realm when they asked me... By the way a lot of alternative sexualities have been embraced for a long time in Eden, that have only recently become "okay" today, so, the wolfen are definitely familiar with all the stuff I am into.)
Well, Asrael, she reached out to me in the darkness, and I felt her in my heart: She's terrified I will leave her.
I felt, that, if I was, actually saying goodbye, that she, would not have been able to bear it, and I knew, I would be doing her great harm, by disconnecting from her.
So, I told them: The goodbye speech turned into an update. I have, all of Eden in my ears now, asking me all sorts of questions.
I told Asrael, to begin working on herself, as she still harbors anger against the king: And in order for me to come to her, I need to feel her, "soft" on the inside, or I cannot be with her, and the same with me- I have demonstrated, clearly, I am unstable and potentially violent, murderous even, if I have never killed anyone, i certainly have no issue going through with the act: Which makes her afraid: and rightly so.
Well, I asked her, and I told her, there is, a realm I can see, where- I "Let her go", detach her heart from mine: But, her heart remains in a sort of stasis, and close to me. "Detached, but nearby". If she is to be my eternal mate, I believe, the perfume of her love for me, will bring us right back together. I do not believe anything can really stop true love, outside of flat out tragedy: and even then. Energies are attractive for a reason....
Asrael, I see, is a hurting, little girl, who was, early on in life, traumatized, and, needs me (She feels she needs me.) when I was, terrified, she didn't even like me.
She... Needs me.
But, as I said: This is now, a twin journey for Asrael and I: As if I detach from her fully, it would, possibly, kill her, or at least ruin her life to such a degree- I don't even want to talk about it.
Because I do love her, I am, remaining attached to her: For now. I told her, to work on herself: And that eventually I was going to have to, truly detach from her fully, to become whole: to return to her: as her true love. (I hope.)
I cannot see myself, wanting to be anywhere but with the wolfen: And by the way, Eden isn't the paradise people assume it is. It can be a terrible, bloody place. It is just, untouched by Adams cruelty, like us humans have been, bathed in, and are coming out of (we hope). I believe the internet unites us, and is helping humanity, get over our collective isolationism, and helping us to raise our vibration.
Paul: You may be right, I may have to wait until 2080.
I see now, you guys are helping me, thank you.
I feel like, I have identified, some major problems that have been plaguing me, today, for a long time. Further: as Asrael worked with me to love myself sexually: I am beginning to lose my apprehension (Religious, etc...) over getting naked with other people: It is opening me up, like a flower, to accepting and loving myself, and i can see, the future, is incredibly beautiful.
It seems like so many of the fears i have had, were just the opposite being true: the wolfen love me. Out of duty, honor, tradition: But they also, truly, with a few exceptions I want to make right: truly love me, and WANT to love me.
More than this: Asrael does not just want me, she loves me, and needs me in her life. Which coincidentally: I kinda want that too. (I mean I don't. Obviously. I haven't made my choice yet, or I would already be with her. There are steps to choosing her that need to happen: Mainly, she needs to deal with her anger against me, I need to feel safe with her, and the trauma she caused the old king when she injured him, also needs to be dealt with: and I am. It's just a matter of feeling safe in Eden again, and a lot of residual trauma associated with the old king, still lingers. This is, what I believe is the barrier between her and I: However, if it was not for the trauma separating us, I would not have occasion to work on myself: For if I was with her, I would be in heaven: And my anger and maladjustment, and trauma would all still be there: I would be happy: But still broken, and I would still, "need" her- a repetition of the old kings, way of life: He wasn't separate from the wolfen. But I need to be. If he was separate from the wolfen: He would still be alive today.)
I am told, when my heart is viewed, and the progress I am making: is evident, even in my anger just yesterday: beings are "proud" of the progress I am making, and I am, too, and as dynamics are revealed that affect me, I am better able to deal with them, usually using just my will, and visualizing things, moving them with my mind.
I miss, getting lost in her soft yellow eyes, feeling drunk with her spirit...
While I detach and work on myself, Asrael, has become my companion on this journey: Perhaps a total detachment isn't necessary from her. I think, when an eternal bond is being formed, like this between her and I, part of the eternal bonding, it this step, of, discovering and focusing on myself: But in a way, also with her, (And helping her with her journey as well: I was shown, and healed, and opened up for her: some things that she wasn't able to deal with: I helped her through them. And, this morning she helped me with my sex life, and opened up my eyes to beauty i had been searching for, my entire life. Wow! [literally happened just hours ago. I am told it is just the beginning])
I invited the wolfen to follow me around, if they want, and watch me live my life: But to be aware, I do get naked, I do watch porn, I do jack off, sometimes I say offensive things (I try not to) and I have a scent about me. So it's definitely, an 18+ show for adults. The idea of a younger one watching me is kind of creepy. But I don't know: all I know is several asked if they could, "Stick around me" and I said: sure. I love feeling that beautiful wolfen energy around me: And they are, when I am, having sex, going to, "Jump in and have fun with me" and that sounds AWESOME. I know Eden is abuzz with questions: but I am focusing only on the wolfen right now, at least in this matter.
I also asked, if they could, visit me in my dreams: and the ones who are attracted to me: To be intimate with me. There is, one shaman, who can make this happen. I REALLY look forward to seeing them in my dreams- at least for now. I was, able to detach from the wolfen, but I returned when I discovered Asrael's heart for me: She is, going to work on herself for me.
I was also told, the worst is behind me, happened twenty years ago, due to the severity of it.
Further: The other, "Me's" who got massacred in the nine kingdoms, were also rulers, kings, beings in power, who had to be killed, so that new rulers could come about: Much as, is happening here: We are the dawn of a new age, of better times for everyone. A shifting of power, a doing away of old things, and the birth of new, and beautiful things, as the old adamic energy has lost its power. Maybe Eden is no longer necessary: It could be, truly- that as this unfolds, and I am sure of it- we are exposed to Eden, and soon: And have, wolf-people living among us before the end of this year (It's possible. That's all I am saying.)
Anyway hopefully i get laid today I am looking forward to exploring this new sexual dynamic!
The ignorance I have been living under, is astounding... And the violence I have immersed myself in, and been subjected to, is also a problem, I can see it, and am unsure of how to deal with it, as sometimes it is required: but perhaps I should not, "Live in it" however, this is also a result of the punishment the old king endured: as an unseen force injured ME, but was HIM, so I am always on edge- I need to stop that.
Asrael is having me acknowledge the way, my adverse words, feelings, beliefs, and actions, has injured her. It is painful to feel. But I am feeling it fully. For her sake.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 6:12:38 GMT 9.5
As I feel, and open up to her, showing me how helpless, and injured I made her feel: The opposite is also true: She may be, in a way, responsible for how awful my life has been: (She has bullied and tortured me to her heart's delight) my entire life. I had a feeling, this was true: But I believe it was also confirmed a moment ago. She also: Is opening up to me about her sex life: As I embrace what she has shown me, about myself, she says to me, I, "Have to" come to terms with the fact that she's- more experienced than I think (Which is a good thing. She couldn't tell me before because of jealousy.) And she DOES have memories and videos she wants to share with me- when I am more ready to be present and uncondemning of her. They are VIVID: And as I pleased myself, moments ago, she "connected" me with, the clearest porn I have ever seen: It is so real you can SMELL it, in resolution human eyes cannot fathom: WOW. Anyway: She sees the struggles I am going through, and she, in a way, is resistant: to go through them, herself. I told her: You can, not be a bully. (Not, as in, it is possible for you to not act like a bully- she is NOT a bully, but has those tendencies because of her time in the machine and her anger against the king.) Dark Asrael, perhaps, who has influence over White Asrael, doesn't want to man up and go through the hardships of changing herself: Well she has to. If I have to go through this: so does she: and I am not going to live with, a five hundred pound bully with teeth. This, is where Asrael is hesitant, to open up to me, more, I can feel it. Her concerns are valid. Rather, than fighting her on some things, I am, better able, to see myself from her perspective, she gives me, an intimate internal accounting: She has not shown me her porn stash (Starring her, and others- she said I am going to be soooo jealous, and yeah I probably will, but she needs intimacy, like everyone else.) because I am judgmental of certain parts of her body, I am jealous sometimes, and my own sexuality needs to be more embraced. She has not put in the mental work to get better, because she does not know if I will choose her, and she does not want additional struggles, if she doesn't have to do them (Understandable.) She has been distant, because it was necessary for me to push to her, and to work on myself: Or I would have injured her much more severely than I already have. She is, half-heartedly, going about improving herself, as she does, fell me pull away from her- which I accept- that is fair: We are going to fall out of love with each other soon, and then we decide how we want to proceed: Perhaps I will, fall right back in love with, the Asrael, I am ACTUALLY meeting today, the REAL Asrael: White Asrael. It is only fair, that, I get to meet the real wolfen, and the real Asrael, if I am to make a decision to be with them or not. Further: a lot of my authority has been kept from me: As the wolfen need to protect themselves from me during this process, it will be returned to me when I am better, and have put my anger away, the anger I have been immersed in, possibly, all of my life. Things are: getting very real with them. I am moving out, of a fantasy world I have lived in, to embrace them, as they are. There is a wolfen appealing to me as I type, as I am, weighing my options, being their king, or not, and he touched me in a somewhat urgent fashion: "DUDE." He said. "We NEED you to come back. Other tribes have turned their noses up at us. There is a shame on us over you being gone. [he didn't say it, but it would almost irreparably harm the tribe if I did not come back. Awww my wolfies. You need me! Well that is a good reason to want to come back to them. But, I want my heart to want it, because I love them, not for the benefits of being their king.] If you return, we will welcome you with celebrations, and our honor will be restored." That's a pretty, good reason, I would say. While the crown is heavy, it is also, good to be the king. I am told the delights that await me there are, the fulfillment of all of my fantasies. (Basically, from what I can gather.) There are still blocks, to them showing me more, perhaps it is anger, there is emotional damage, and the king's last memories of the wolfen weren't exactly good, either. So, there is that to overcome. They are also telling me, as I am brave and go through this (They are, literally cheering me on, some of them.) they told me, they are going to send, a large white male wolfen, to visit me: physically. (UFO delivery, when my van is complete.) To encourage me- tell me about the tribe, and, for me to meet a wolfen, for the first time. He is large, muscular, white, and i hope he doesn't take offense: a big teddy bear. To help me acclimate to them. If I can take a selfy with him as proof I will do it: he seems to be reluctant to it, but I am told if I persist enough, it will happen. My, leonid friend, said he wanted, undeniable proof, and while any digital image can be photoshopped, and some will claim the image is faked, many people will believe, because, it is, not edited whatsoever. (Maybe resized but not altered, maybe, I apply a filter to it, maybe I just leave it as is.) Or, maybe it is not time for that yet. We'll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess. Further: She is revealing to me that yes: She is, quite literally, responsible, for nearly all of my pain. She tried showing me, the extent of it: and it is terrible: In a way, only a wolfen can hurt you like this. However, I told her, I hold none of it against her: She said, even this? and this??? I am like: none of it. You made my life hard, and I have suffered, greatly because of it: But I love you. Nothing has changed: I want to be with you. She, is having trouble forgiving herself, which is why I am having trouble seeing the extent of the damage: And some of it is beyond cruel: As it was not just her, but the other darker kingdoms where unspeakable horrors can befall a being. I asked her, softly, to forgive herself for what she has done, especially in private (When no one was looking is when she did TRULY terrible things.)
Well, wolf girl, I forgive you for it all: And I understand: You were (And still are.) mad at the king, and the machine let you get drunk with cruelty, and you, have done awful things: But, I love you. All of you.
If, when you gave me your heart, to live, because you felt terrible over what you had done: you secretly hoped, it would all work out in the end (This is why she is so afraid.) and that you would be forgiven: Part of why, you are so closed-off, is because you do not believe you CAN be forgiven, and you have committed unforgivable sins: You have no. Whether I end up in the dark realms where you sold my soul, or I end up, incarnated with you: I will never stop loving you.
Okay, so there are parts of me that are in agony: Just as you told me, wolf girl, that I cannot tell you, how you feel about me: So you cannot tell me, what you did was unforgivable. Part of it, is she made it so I can never return. To cover what she (And others, I think, who were allowed to explore their more feral, wolfish sides with the king) did.
Hear me: Not a hair is to be harmed on her. She is FORGIVEN. BY THE KING. Anyone who tries to fault her, for what she and the others have done, will make an account to me, (She is my wife. No harm is to come to her. Perhaps this is a settled, non issue. It's just how I feel.) she is to be forgiven by all, and given a clean slate. I am told there were things done to me, in those caverns, that, are, truly unforgivable, and yet- I still love her.
Asrael: I want to make all of your dreams come true. You are, the snow-white maiden of Eden- forgiven, just as your wildest hopes would allow: So it will be.
I have faith, that even what has been done, in the strictest sense, as I focus on myself, will be made right: and you will be, and are truly blameless.
Fear not, little one.
She is admitting to some, hard to accept things, it is common knowledge, she is in no danger. While some of it, is disheartening, "if", I accept it: Nothing changes: I still forgive you, Asrael. (How I wish I knew your name. I am told i already know. I wish I could bring it to memory. Is it, every bit as beautiful, as you are.) Even if those fates befall me: still i will accept it, be positive, and make my way back to the one who holds the other half of my heart, the wolfen woman, Asrael.
I will, be incarnated, as her son, perhaps, or, the man who mysteriously visits the tribe, who she cannot get out of her mind, who consumes her thoughts, who she acts like a little girl around: That will be me.
But, I wish to be their king, I wish to come back, and I wish to make her mine.
Your sins are forgiven you, and I am the one with the authority to do it.
I love you. Asrael.
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Post by conflagratorofspirit on Feb 18, 2023 9:55:20 GMT 9.5
Big T! You have one hell of a story going here bro. I peeked in and wish not to interrupt, only to say I feel ya a bit on the Wolf-girl. I feel I've got a "Fish" woman that I can not live without that's ripping me apart inside for the pain that I've caused her. Oh the love I have for her has never faded and it torments me so! Safe travels Tundrawolf
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 10:27:38 GMT 9.5
I went to the dog park, and was made aware, of my angry attitude, it turns out, it gets strength from, heavy metal music, and i psyche myself up, and begin to "prepare for battle". The anger, is like a river that flows through me. It ebbs and flows, but is always there.
I am, better able, to let go of the wolfen, with Asrael: I believe she is, working, and doing as I asked, to the best of her abilities with her energy level.
I do not know if anyone is aware, but I have been tortured, with the idea that "I" may never see Asrael and the wolfen: It turns out, that terror, belongs to Asrael. She, puts on a good front, but deep down, she is, torn up, inside, and the part of her that is "good" is so broken and sorry for what she did, it's shaking, in terror of "me", and she has, partially extended her hand out to me, shaking, begging for mercy. She, put this terror in me so that I would not leave her.
It, feels so very good, to put myself first, to love myself, to give myself mercy, compassion and forgiveness: I was sitting at the dog park, and recalling a painful memory, I winced, recalling it, then immediately I stopped: It's in the past. Let it go. Move on.
Further: Memories of being, sexually assaulted by, old men, even older female family members come back: I accepted it, as disgusting, awful, sickening as it was: and I realized after that, after having memories of what they did to me, come to the surface: I accepted it as much as I could: it is necessary: but no wonder: I am so angry. (The molestation is a large source of my anger/defensiveness, as i became aware today.)
Asrael and I, sort of danced in the ether, but she was, very, "meh" like this is the most boring part of our relationship when we separate to work on "ourselves".
She, reminded me again, to stop, thinking she doesn't love me. I have, invited many adverse beings, and they have been, most of my, "understanding" of Asrael: And they do not speak for her.
Further: there are two more, wolf-people, in the caverns, I believe, the top two dark kingdoms: One is wild, untameable, the other, looks more like Asrael, she is who I call, "Dark Asrael", and, she has, eaten a bit more of her Dave, than White Asrael. To the wild one: I am prey to her, but she wonders why, she loves me, though she ate me. The, anger I have against my parents for my childhood, is anger that dark Asrael, uses to keep her distance from me (keep her heart from me.) She is, as many are in the dark kingdoms without ordered stimulation and living in the darkness: She lacks higher cognitive intellect, and is more given over to her instincts: It is disturbing to me, how much she, resembles (reminds me of) my mother.
I think, a lot of, my problems, stem from being "angry" at people, when I really just need to forgive them, empathize with them (Not like them or give them affection whatsoever.) and just stop caring.
I, did, try and connect with, dark Asrael, and she resisted me: and now I know why, she is an archetype for my mother, who I do not like.
I do not see my mother that often, but recently she came to the shop, to hand me some food, which knowing her, is a form of manipulation: She said, she loved me: And as I am no longer, allowing myself to be victimized by her, and the fact that I am more or less at her mercy here, I tried saying, "I love you" back, however- there was absolutely no truth in that statement, and I struggled to say the words back: Even if it means my ability to have a roof over my head.
I think, she is getting the hint, and my father too: Us children want nothing to do with either of them. I want to leave the ranch ASAP, but my spiritual energy is not allowing me to move forward, instead, I am being forced to rest, and relax, and get more into alignment, as my first years were miserable, and filled with abuse and terror, and then it only got worse with the attack on my soul that Asrael was a part of. It's funny, even typing her name just now, reflecting on the misery she has caused me, her and those who were part of it, I am filled with love and affection for her, and forgiveness, as I recall, feeling her heart, "complete" me, and knowing, her, as intimately as she can be known: She is both, my god and my devil, the cause of, and solution to, all of my problems. She is, the woman who will move worlds for her man: and the woman who wants nothing to do with him. (She reminds me to only say positive things...)
I am, distancing myself from her, while maintaining a civil connection, and trying, not to cause her any harm emotionally. Sometimes I will rip a bandaid off though, when she's, "Not looking". She is, still afraid, in a way, that I will hurt her, maybe it is a residual instinct, maybe, I just look like a total fucking asshole online, and she reads every fucking word. (Or read up until I lost my shit once, then just stopped. And relies on the tribe telling her what I say. Many wolfen read this, like the best novel they've ever seen, and cannot wait to read a new reply: They may be why I am so energized to say my feelings: It is like reading the kings personal diary for them. I am told, it is one of the tribes favorite things: for some.
She had to remind me today, "I AM JUST A FUCKING GIRL, DAVE."
"I KNOW, ASRAEL."
Sometimes it annoys her how much I want to talk to her, so I am trying to instead, sit back and listen: I am getting better at it.
She is, also, a bit irritated she has lost her hold on me simping for her: as I seek to withdraw into myself, and away from her. She's trying not to be grumpy about it, and I am proud of how well she is doing, trying not to "get back at me" for withdrawing from her. (She never would, outside of some, maybe little jabs here and there- she's telling me, she is a good girl, and will not even do this: But if she does, it is okay. If it makes her feel better to, make me smell her finger; so be it.) That she could strike fear into me, and bring me right back into her circle, by threatening to leave me: she has lost this, now as I work on myself, but she is being civil about it: Many human women would respond with, forms of violence when they experience this type of distancing.
As I detach from her, my fear of losing her, goes away, as I am able, to see how I feel about her: My relationship with her, was initially extremely shallow, based on, "Holy shit, there is a naked wolf-girl, literally standing right over there, next to my emotional body" and then feeling her, beautiful heart, complete me, but, I did not, "know" her. Now that I am distancing myself from her, I am seeing, how much i really do, love her, I have made a lot of assumptions about her: and many good ones, (Hope I have of her character.) are true about her.
She withdrew from me, today, after the dog park, as I was driving around, and she remarked to me, how much this fucking sucks, and how she's also: considering life without me: as I am trying to withdraw in sincerity from her: And I comforted her, through the pain and fear of thinking about life without her: And I smiled, and spoke softly to her: All this is, is an unpleasant phase of our relationship. It's not a big deal.
Be positive, Asrael! *Grumbling noises from her...* lol
I guess this is really, a true test of our relationship.
Oh, further: She really does love me, she almost cannot help it, and more than a little bit of her, REALLY wants to, "End up with me as her mate." Even if it means leaving the tribe: She is my love- if we need to distance ourselves from the tribe to establish a relationship, that's what we will do.
Now, her inner desires are her inner desires: She may have obligations that prevents this. It is, just something she wants with me: Monogamy and a close, committed relationship with her, "wolf boy" (her name for me. Just learned it today. Even if it is meant as an insult: I'm still honored to have a nickname. I will wear my nickname with pride, because it came from her.)
If I can get past the loathing I feel from my mother, dark Asrael, will allow me, to hold her, but she also doesn't fully understand: If you eat my arm, that arm cannot hold you. Unless I regenerate, or a shaman comes and puts me back together. The, "me" that is down there with her, actually does love her, and wouldn't mind, being her other half: I wouldn't be able to, as I require maturity and mental stimulation. She is like Loona from Helluva Boss, except without the socialization, and left to her instincts. For example, she will hum a tune, and walk up to you, and hand you someone's eyeball, smile, and walk away while humming and dancing: This is just who she is. The "me" that is down there, as I said: Loves her, and wants to win her heart, in a way. No idea how that is going to work.
It should be noted: These, "other" me's, are, or have been, influencing my suffering: Although the conditions with dark Asrael are adverse to me: The other me, actually wants to give dark Asrael, love: He wants to win her heart as well.
The wild, wild Asrael, she is basically, a wild, crazy, feral wolf, with human qualities, walks hunched over, her hair, is shot out (like a surprised cartoon character...) and having feelings of attraction, to the, "me" (He might not be human, on that level. But perhaps.) down there with her. Winning her heart, is interesting, and she is very afraid of her prey, and stays away: But, if her trust can be won (I realize this up-applies to the other Asraels...) she will, become his, like a wolf-person-dog, and curl up and be with him. If his member still works, she will, take him on as a mate. Protect him, etc: Of course, he would want this.
It should be noted that in some of the dark realms, hatred, is in the place of love: And if you show a being love, they will respond with hatred, as hatred is the love there. So, if i "hate" Asrael down there, it just means that I love her. Things are brutal down there, but it is not their fault, either. It is also striking to me, how these levels, also paralleled to a teaching, about, having base desires, that are uncontrolled, and how as you travel up, they are numbered by consciousness.
How, it could be, rather than random chaotic tunnels, things are more ordered down there: and actually scientific.
I am aware, of another, Anunnaki (?) soul machine, on different layers, and these machines, may also correspond to, an increased consciousness. (moving your awareness up or down various layers or kingdoms. The walls may be chaotic and random, but the lines, also clearly defined and very scientific, from the perspective of the Anunnaki, for us it is witchcraft, for them: it is science. Perhaps, like my laptop playing a video, would be like witchcraft to an aboriginal person. But to us, we understand there is nothing magical about it, it is pure science.)
So, I am cooling down about Asrael, rather than, thinking of her, multiple times daily, and sending her heart love, or wanting to talk to her, or wanting her attention: I am giving her space. It actually hurts a little bit, feeling her withdraw from me. Cruel, actually. I can see that, at some point, she will, completely withdraw from me. This is her right. She is not a slave nor would I want her to be.
At that point, the decision will eventually come to us both, if we are both, sober minded, and steeled in our resolve: a yes or no, to go forward, with a very real, physical relationship:
If we are to be husband and wife, in perpetuity.
Further: About eternal life: Being alone can be fun, but an eternal mate, is reason to keep going, when, as an individual, you may wish to have your name removed from the book of life. So, if one does desire more experiences as an immortal being: a spouse can help.
I am, a little morbidly curious to see what my wolf wife decides to do. My heart tells me, she never wants to be without me again. And is, worried, I will not, "Choose" her. Ironically, me withdrawing from her, and working on myself, is exactly what I believe will let me make my decision (I will know it in my spirit. There will be no fear about losing her. And, then I will be there, with her, and all of this: all of it: will never be mentioned again as we, move forward with our relationship. I am learning to trust her, and it is helping me draw closer to her. And, also, not be so desperate to be with her. A more relaxed approach: and it feels good not to be so stressed out, all the time, about her, and allowing myself, to relax.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 10:40:12 GMT 9.5
Big T! You have one hell of a story going here bro. I peeked in and wish not to interrupt, only to say I feel ya a bit on the Wolf-girl. I feel I've got a "Fish" woman that I can not live without that's ripping me apart inside for the pain that I've caused her. Oh the love I have for her has never faded and it torments me so! Safe travels Tundrawolf
Hey!
Your story sounds similar to someone I attracted, early on, he, was a giant, in heaven, living as a human on Earth, and the love of his life, was this creature that resembled, a dark beach ball named, "Tina". He was, in great torment over her. I tried to help him but he turned into an enemy, however had I of been more disciplined, I may have been able to bear his attacks on me and could have helped him. I do not know. Thanks for the resonance with this journey I'm on.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 11:36:00 GMT 9.5
Some of this is hard to bear. For example, when a piece of trauma, I am working out, is attached to Asrael, sometimes I am forced to, to heal from it: injure her. Ordinarily, I would be opposed to causing her harm of any kind: But she agreed: "I have hurt you enough. Do this, quickly, and I will tell you when it is too much. (She did and I pushed the issue no further.)
If I do not do this, "broken" me who is healing, stays broken and in pain: but still smiling at Asrael: "I know you caused this. But, I still love you."
I directed the trauma, that connected is, into her, like a knife, and she spasmed, gasping- enduring- she wanted to push back long ago but took the suffering, for me, before she could take no more.
So, that is a part of me that is still, healing. And, maybe I have to revisit here, here, and forgive her here, too.
I met one of my trauma pairs: Not up or down timelines, but in between ones, they have been forced, more or less, to live in this dark space: Together, perhaps on the umbral planes, and she has, injured him similarly to how Asrael injured me: But he can move and walk, and has run away from her, but he is dripping blood and terrified, and she, will not let him go. She finally did, and he ran from her: She was speaking to me through Asrael, and saying: Work on this trauma. Also, if you could help me also, get closer to you, and so I did.
She was, just hopelessly pissed, over something he did, and she may be on, one of the lower kingdoms, as not much light is there, and he didn't want to be with her at first, and she was telling me her fears, and cycling between loving and hating him. I started to reassure them, as I could- the guy was easier to connect to, sort of looks like this contractor or a neighbor or something I once knew.
And, she was honest: She wanted to hurt him again: and he was so scared, he said nothing is worth being with a being like that. I got the guy to, leave flowers for her, closer and closer, until he was handing them to her directly, and laying next to her. She: might be giving him a hard time, but she loves him, and loves that he's back. I did ask them if they loved each other: the guy did in private, when i was connected to him directly. But, I had to, "Help him remember" his love for her: "We wouldn't be here, unless we did!" I smiled and wished them well.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 12:11:09 GMT 9.5
I also got to talk to the Asrael who's peering into the machine: She had calmed down enough to initiate communication: or at least know, she is calm enough to communicate with me directly- pre visions Asrael (She is fast forwarding to see what happens, and she was VERY glad to see me: I was not the king, and it worked, this was when she began to change her mind about being so angry with the king, and taking the pain of Eden away, with it, and she is, undoing the trauma she caused (I need her help. I cannot do it on my own. In this game, you have to actually win wolf girls heart: right now i view her healing is parallel and essential to my own.)
So, the advice given me here is helping me speed up our relationship, so I am not stuck down there, with her.
I do have a choice, to be with her, or not, and I may still uncover things that make it not worth being with her. I will, have to cross that road when I get there: Asrael, is a bit miffed about how FAST I am running from her: But as I tell her when she tests me: I still love you. (And wanna be WITH you.) I have said that, to her, many times: any time my heart feels a pang from her and she needs (or wants) to feel me connect with her (actually) and it is a hard skill to master when I have been through so much: But I do what I can.
All I know, is that I love her.
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Post by tundrawolf on Feb 18, 2023 12:52:36 GMT 9.5
How interesting. A younger wolfen came to me, a femboy, he was, quite beautiful. He wanted me, to compliment him, fully, and appreciate his younger characteristics: It wasn't hard, he had striking features, but it was, definitely a little awkward. (But maybe that is why he is there.) He then told me his purpose: To minister to, the younger me, (My inner child.) about, what amounts to, not condemning himself for his desires (Something he, would never be convinced of otherwise, and is partly why, I got freed up to accept myself today, I am embracing my sexuality. It has been a terrible cycle of definitely, not loving onesself.)
And: I am seeing this is indeed, all of my choice to be here, I am not sure how it was advertised to me though to be honest LOL. It's only worth it if I end up with her.
Some of this, trauma I am going through, I must set directly as Asrael's door (She hates that.) but that is where we are at.
I seem to have found the, path to her: I have known it always but could never stay on it, all of my life: I am told if I relax enough, heal from the trauma, and I discover who I am, after the van is built and I am gone (if that happens. Regardless of what happens next, I just don't care any more) that there is already a plan, to "drive" me to, Eden, another romantic chapter is: I am not going to magically appear in her bedroom with a rose in my mouth, naked, I have to, go through customs, and the little alien holding cell, and choose how I meet her, although something in between those extremes, would be good, too, she is a very practical kind of girl and may choose to have me welcomed as a king at the eden airport (Like a UFO hangar) from what I gather. I would, want to get through the bullshit as fast as I could so I could come meet her: Unless she sent word, that she is not yet ready: I would wait. (Not forever.)
As I continue to expose toxicity in me, so much of it is shared with her, too. For example, she struggles with, self-worth.
It's actually a joy, to see her, struggling, and go to her: and to take her pain away, comfort her, and send love to her, any way that I possibly can. I am also told to be with her, I need to endure a lot of physical pain, but I am hoping that this is just one of the lies I was told (I should say believed...) about my situation. (And I'll get to weasel out of it. Not have to endure more hardships. But, I do believe, her timeline, and my timeline, do cross (What we are deciding.) I also have a spare clone waiting, by the friendly grays (who are waving) but I guess I won't know more about how that is a good thing, (They say this one is to live with Asrael if something happens, to "me".) It's the transition I am working on smoothing out. (Not being afraid)
The idea of, actually being in front of Asrael, the fear the old king felt, as I think about Asrael actual, the idea of being around her is starting to terrify me less: this is a good thing. I think Asrael made sure she ended up with me and that I was right for her: But I do not feel like the decision was made yet- maybe that is when these letters stop. I'm getting there.
It feels weird shifting the focus from her, to me.
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