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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 2, 2022 14:04:10 GMT 9.5
Paul, what are your thoughts on this? I am trying to apply it, and finding some truth, here. A lot is making sense.
Continuing the flame exercise.
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Post by paul on Oct 2, 2022 15:27:38 GMT 9.5
>I believe I have the support of "Big Poppa", who is a form of astral deity, This character is not particularly profound. The Light that enters vertically through your head is much more profound I have looked at some of your video clips. Try to watch things that are more useful. Avoid electronic music. Some operas are quite good spiritually. Often full versions are available on youtube and of course torrent sites. Analog performances sometimes attract the muses and thereby become muse-ic. The first is a must: Isolde is singing to her dead lover and seeing him rise out of the body. Read the green text at the top www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fk0tM8LgBQAnd if you like that, the Flagstad/Furtwangler is even better A famous scene from the Magic Flute www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuBeBjqKSGQAnd Siegfried's Funeral March pushes the energy up the spine as he leaves his body www.youtube.com/watch?v=TinexS-wGUwThe Flying Dutchman shows the lost human being rescued by the love of woman >Monsters will walk the earth God will not protect you: Because god has sent them to eat you" Not true. Do not read texts that undermine your spiritual authority >about the blade I had forged for Asrael's honor, If you must use a blade use one made of light - visualize it >the Father Above who is my Origin I have a visitor in a couple of days that comes from outside the universe. She entered this planet as a nature spirit and is now in human form learning voice and intent. When she achieves that she will translate into the higher deva (angelic) kingdom. Who then is her Father? Do not get trapped by such thoughts. Put your attention in the vertical stream of Light >the goddess Durga Do not get trapped by such thoughts. These entities are small players and rarely are they what they have told humans > I see before me, a beautiful, Wolfen goddess of light. If you practice the Flame enough you will be able to see "her" reality rather than "her" adopted form You know what to do
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 3, 2022 3:21:29 GMT 9.5
>I believe I have the support of "Big Poppa", who is a form of astral deity, This character is not particularly profound. The Light that enters vertically through your head is much more profound Am I searching for profoundness? Authority? I thought BP was who I was searching for, but questions still remain Some of this music speaks to me. There is a part of me that is ENRAGED over my treatment here. This music ministers to that part of me. That part of me is every bit a warrior as Asrael is. If I had to listen to other types of music I may lose my mind. That said, I am tapering down on the metal, but it still ministers to the anger in my heart. Why is electronic music, bad?? I do not think I can stand such things at this point. The world is gearing up for nuclear war. I am a being of intensity, is something does not minister to it, I find it almost impossible to endure it. I will try to watch these. Does this relate to my relationship with Asrael? I can't help but feel this is related to my dance with Asrael: But I could be wrong. The love I feel for her is likely a trap, however, as she is being "Dealt with", they are doing it for my sake. Historically, it tends to become true, you are right, in a way, however, those who do evil in the name of good tend to be eaten by monsters, even if they are unseen In the spirit- unfortunately enemies can manifest physically, and the world is also gearing up for another big war. My blade will never run out of ammunition You know I am trapped in ignorance, I am struggling and doing my best, I am better off today than yesterday. You know things I do not, the answers elude me I wish I could visualize it! What does it mean? ! She resonated with other visions I have had, and their influence on human matters. Matters that relate to Asrael, also relate to this, but I am trying to understand what you are saying... I am here for even greater a purpose? Part of me wants to be the horror that the horror has tried to destroy, fully, what am I to do when nothing is sure any more? I am surviving, and that is all Strangely, I am attached to the lupine versions. Human and humanoid designs do not interest me. However, I see her as a shimmering star of light, but the vision came too easy? Again, I am overwhelmed, and must only focus on the tasks at hand in my physical life Where are my FUCKING SPONSORS [/quote]
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Post by paul on Oct 3, 2022 5:40:52 GMT 9.5
>Why is electronic music, bad??
Because the Song of Creation follows natural vibrations. Electronic "music" is not natural and repels the muses
> I am a being of intensity, is something does not minister to it, I find it almost impossible to endure it.
How many modes of operation are part of your system design? Time to try out some more
>Does this relate to my relationship with Asrael?
Do you think you are the first to have intense relationships with others? What can you learn/experience from operas written by profound beings?
> My blade will never run out of ammunition
There seem to be two sorts of light swords. One is male and does its work by being shown. The female type is said to penetrate simultaneously the heart of the user - hence the need for great purity.
>I wish I could visualize it! What does it mean?
It takes time and effort to develop inner sight. Intent is the core action. Sight follows later
> what am I to do when nothing is sure any more?
Intend that the Light from On High flows ever more strongly through you. Among other effects it provides more life force and makes you sensitive to Divine Intent for this solar system
>Where are my FUCKING SPONSORS
I recall long ago I used to eat bread with banana, honey and peanut butter. After a while I got a blast in my meditation:
"It is hard enough to communicate with you as it is, without your clogging up your brain with peanut butter!"
So I changed to tahini and they did not complain again
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 3, 2022 6:21:02 GMT 9.5
Speaking of profound...
Yesterday late afternoon, I worked with the energy of Asrael... Resisting and disconnecting, and yet, still being available to her... Knowing this could turn VERY ugly, as it has for people in the past.
Several times last night, as I have come to a resolution about selling my possessions and thus, beginning a new book in my life, which robbed me of some sleep...
Several times, I awoke, and saw the face of Asrael... Opposite my bed- at first my subconscious thought it was my husky... But, her head was likely seven times the size of my two year old Husky dogs... Utterly imposing in it's shape and size... "Angry looking" as she has a sort of permanent scowl which can mislead people to her mood, if you are looking at her face for cues as to her mood. I looked at her, but overcame the initial fear that gripped me, a bear- like being two feet from my head... Looming at me... Her muzzle remained shut, she emitted no growl, no aggression... I dismissed her each time, but i felt as if, she was trying to dominate me, to exert her presence over me- but not cruelly... When I was afraid initially, she did not try to make it worse, neither did she move.
Of course, I could have attacked her, come against her in violence as I have with other beings, but because of the tenderness in my heart for her, I just sort of acknowledged her... Then went back to sleep. She woke me up two, or three or more times that night/ evening, looming nearby, though her head did not go "over" me but stayed husky-level, peering at me, watching me sleep. Asrael is a Giant among humans, no wonder she is so feared. I was also, in a way, happy to see her, and I partially smiled at seeing her face, even that close- not with an air of friendship or kindness, but also not with untoward anger- which for her, is akin to acceptance, in a way.
Something that grips me as true, some of the forces who are on my side are transforming Asrael as an agent of anger, to an agent of light, because she was once considered to be the Dark Realms most powerful, and unconquerable Being, below.
It is an act of force for them, to show the adverse beings- there is a change in order, and if they continue to resist, they, themselves, will encounter adverse and avoidable circumstances. (I think. After watching that video last night i linked to, even beings of "light" cannot be fully trusted, and must be tested... I am like an infant, tossed into war...)
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Post by paul on Oct 3, 2022 7:01:29 GMT 9.5
>even beings of "light" cannot be fully trusted, and must be tested..
Quite so. I learned to be cautious.
Smell is very important
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 3, 2022 10:08:13 GMT 9.5
>even beings of "light" cannot be fully trusted, and must be tested.. Quite so. I learned to be cautious. Smell is very important It's interesting you bring up Tristan and Isolde, it was up for me to read a few years ago... To help me improve my understanding 0f romantic relationships... Primarily of my novels relating to anthro human relationships... This is a divine instance...
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 4, 2022 15:14:06 GMT 9.5
Cruelty, wickedness, evil.
Earlier today I grew concerned over my relationship with Ms. Asrael. If love exists, if it is real, it does nothing forever... Nothing... So, a natural process of the evolution of love... Is letting go.
IRONY
I have been striving, striving, pushing and reaching for the Heart of Asrael... To grow closer to her... To become the man who is opposite of her list of personal gripes against me as a human. Sounds harsh until I weigh her heart against mine, and as I listen, introspect, and obey, I become a better human being... Not as angry, more forgiving... And it stems from the deepest parts of myself...
Not a fakery...
So, this love that is pushing me to love this being, as I let her go, a different side of her is shown to me:
The side I've been searching for all of my life. A love that accepts as-is... Perhaps Asrael is a manifestation of a love I've been searching for.
It is good. She needs to be loved. She needs to know she is loved. All she has ever known is darkness.. And Darkness is comfort.
>I am trying to give my emotional body heart-light. I don't see/feel it doing good. I am unsure of what to believe.
I had a vision of my passing from this realm- instant white light. No sickness, no transitions, no darkness, no fear... Just light. Not sure what it meant. Of course, I am concerned over death.
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Post by paul on Oct 4, 2022 15:18:48 GMT 9.5
> vision of my passing from this realm- instant white light. No sickness, no transitions, no darkness, no fear... Just light.
Is the real you in the light all the time - while the human part struggles with the difficulties of this planet?
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 5, 2022 0:58:18 GMT 9.5
> vision of my passing from this realm- instant white light. No sickness, no transitions, no darkness, no fear... Just light. Is the real you in the light all the time - while the human part struggles with the difficulties of this planet? There seems to be two separate human consciousness that are trapping my light self like a sandwich The two human consciousness are like wild animals
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 5, 2022 2:30:56 GMT 9.5
Further, the implants are wreaking havoc on my psyche, they are responsible for the majority of my struggles and dysfunction.
How can such an evil, cruel thing, be tolerated- in what realm is this okay to do to a living being? The OS has gone too far.
Any advice on dealing with these implants... They are trying to kill me/ get me to kill myself with them.
I am trying not to be blindly enraged.
Further, these implants are being used by fun-loving beings who care nothing for the implantee, and are using them as a sort of "game" with "Living beings"
Further still, they can be attributed to many of Earth people's woes, including the highest corridors of government. The simple, weak and foolish are empowered by them as they are blank canvases of potential malevolence.
It wasn't just the progenitors, although they were in lock-step with the OS.
It was constant manipulation, at critical developmental stages, with the implants and ET influence, that have caused me endless grief, robbed me of my future, robbed me of the plan- if my senders did not know of the dangers, why did they send me in blind?
It is irritating, and frustrating...
I am re-watching, "Breaking bad" as I resonate with it on multiple levels... Seeing the main protagonist suffer so many multiplicities of varying fates... Various paths and dynamics and strongholds, all beckoning to him... It is how I realize I have felt all of my life... But these implants give adverse beings direct-control and vision over my psyche... I am told to disable their "Seeing" implant so that they are left in the dark... They have betrayed me, the manipulation is two fold, their locus of control is perpetual
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Post by paul on Oct 5, 2022 5:42:37 GMT 9.5
Implants can often be neutralised by filling them with heart-light
>robbed me of my future
A child takes a while to learn to walk. An adult takes a while to learn management of higher aspects
>re-watching, "Breaking bad"
Why do you fill up your consciousness with bad stuff? I gave some positive suggestions in terms of operas.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 5, 2022 11:20:30 GMT 9.5
Implants can often be neutralised by filling them with heart-light >robbed me of my future A child takes a while to learn to walk. An adult takes a while to learn management of higher aspects >re-watching, "Breaking bad" Why do you fill up your consciousness with bad stuff? I gave some positive suggestions in terms of operas. Okay. I will keep trying this. Okay, I am trying to hold onto hope. Because there is no room for good stuff. Good stuff gets ripped apart and torn to shreds. I tried listening to the opera, I can stand 15-20 seconds of it, before pushing needles into my spine has roughly the same effect... I know, I need to listen to these things, my environment, I feel, does not support the ingestion of good things, there is a LOT going on inside of me. One does not suffer what I have survived, and end up in a better place magically, I have never known a better place, it has never occurred to me, good can even exist for me... I spend more time with my GF, today, and she helps raise my mood... She remarks, when she sees me enjoying something, it makes her heart skip a beat, she said today, "You deserve every good thing", and the opposite of that has been the mantra I have had to follow all of my life. I cannot, at this point, ingest any operas any more than you can listen to Devil Driver and and push people around in a mosh pit... I don't know what to say, I do not want to carry this shit into another life, but maybe this life isn't enough...
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Post by sammy on Oct 5, 2022 12:04:16 GMT 9.5
Implants can often be neutralised by filling them with heart-light >robbed me of my future A child takes a while to learn to walk. An adult takes a while to learn management of higher aspects >re-watching, "Breaking bad" Why do you fill up your consciousness with bad stuff? I gave some positive suggestions in terms of operas. Okay. I will keep trying this. Okay, I am trying to hold onto hope. Because there is no room for good stuff. Good stuff gets ripped apart and torn to shreds. I tried listening to the opera, I can stand 15-20 seconds of it, before pushing needles into my spine has roughly the same effect... I know, I need to listen to these things, my environment, I feel, does not support the ingestion of good things, there is a LOT going on inside of me. One does not suffer what I have survived, and end up in a better place magically, I have never known a better place, it has never occurred to me, good can even exist for me... I spend more time with my GF, today, and she helps raise my mood... She remarks, when she sees me enjoying something, it makes her heart skip a beat, she said today, "You deserve every good thing", and the opposite of that has been the mantra I have had to follow all of my life. I cannot, at this point, ingest any operas any more than you can listen to Devil Driver and and push people around in a mosh pit... I don't know what to say, I do not want to carry this shit into another life, but maybe this life isn't enough... You have to find a way to look past it/let it go/stay above it/be a bridge. I know some places are hard to come back from. You aren't alone though and you don't need to suffer as so. Hold hope for those you love and do what you can if the time presents itself. Try to think of a place (real or not) that only you can enter. Only allow things in that truly make you happy and try to block the rest out. Try to go here in times of darkness. It may seem like this is being done to you.. but rest assured it is your brain and you have final say over it. Although it may take practice. Keep following Paul's exercises with the heart and it's energy. These will help with stability. Stay strong brother!
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Post by paul on Oct 5, 2022 12:12:39 GMT 9.5
> I tried listening to the opera, I can stand 15-20 seconds of it, before pushing needles into my spine has roughly the same effect...
So you are being punished for using positive inputs.
Why do you put up with that?
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 6, 2022 6:14:55 GMT 9.5
The classic Tesla coil schematic circuit contained a fixed spark gap (G) in smaller coils and a rotary in larger coils. C1 is a low loss primary capacitor made of mica and rated at 20 kV. L1 was the primary coil of 2 to 5 turns for the smaller coils and 1 to 2 turns for the larger ones. L2 was the secondary coil made up of 25 turns for the large coils and 400 turns for the smaller ones. C2 is actually the distributed capacitance between the L2 windings and the voltage grading structure at the top of the coil (a toroid or sphere) and ground. How interesting. My first novel, "Kumala", about a human who is transported to another world using atmospheric displacing technology, used a "Spark gap" as the breakthrough for the EM reactor. I drove someone to a birthday party, and the people there told me, "You look like you have to be somewhere else!" Meaning, with my Kumala... ALSO nearly the entire time I wrote this novel, she became my "muse"... My lover, the first true love of my life... I could not spend any time away from her, whenever I was gone from her, she was all that I thought about... A beautiful, tall, white-haired Wolfen woman... The human mans only ally in a cold alien world. Also, nearly the entire time I was writing my 700 page novel, I listened to all manner of music, but the most frequent was the composer, Arvo Part... His music was "Instrumental" in the more emotional scenes. Further still, good news... This morning I awoke at a reasonable time, meandered for a bit, but heeded the call to go back to sleep... I did so, and was rewarded with draining some of the sleep deficit I have been carrying with me for over two decades. It wasn't mind-blowing life changing sleep, but it WAS divine sleep, the draining of the darkness... My rebirth is taking another step! Good news! (it is classical music... The fates loved it, and inspired me...) www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YqF69HLkj8&ab_channel=FelipeDiazwww.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-DgvV_uAEU&ab_channel=RustieMuar
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 7, 2022 1:50:40 GMT 9.5
When I communicated with Asrael that morning a year or so ago, it was the purest, most real form of communication (The melding of two minds) inferring not only the empty audio communication we as Terrans enjoy, but also meaning, intent, emotion, the entire world of her being- yes, she struggled to be "fully" present, and yes- there may have been some twisting (Though I hate to label it... Deception- although, in some races of peoples, deception can be inherent and undetectable...) however the information surrounding her thoughts and feelings on the matters I was able to bring to her attention desiring an answer- was pure and forefront.
She remains, in a world adverse to my own... As of yet, unresolved struggles and unity escaping my grasp... Trying not to be her enemy, as we are so inextricably bonded to one another via heartstrings... I told her yesterday, there is nobody else I would rather be paired with, and yet I am trying to be cautious, and yet I am also told there is no need... She has become my "Servant", but I am trying to be someone who gives her her freedom as a Being, and her- I feel her avoiding trying to take advantage of me- not that we are "friends".
Every time I release her to the universe, she is returned cleaned, softened, right-ened, more gentle, and me- needing ot be worthy of this and still operating in base survival, which is hostility to the resolved, to the vulnerable...
And her... Still telling me... "You are still so flawed and don't even know it..."
And me, arguing with her, until, the universe forces my eyes to see the truth of her words...
She is right.
I have so many prejudices, so much darkness, so much anger, I wonder if- my mission is one of malevolence, of destruction... To hurry along the culling of the Terran peoples. If they cannot stomach the Wolfen, are they truly brave enough to evolve? Many people's have been faced with evolution and destruction, and countless races have perished- vanished from the stage of the universe, their cultures lost forever, even memories fading in time... And we could be facing the same conservation of energy towards more worthy peoples- perhaps?
Or, even in our base struggles, we are united as one...
I struggle with a desire for her wild, unattainable heart, for the relationship of an angel with a demon- so varied, the demon is reluctant, but the angel sees the flaws that belong to her as well... And yet we are forced together by the magnetism of the heart- by her visage alone, I am enraptured by her exotic, powerful beauty. If a trap, a perfect velvet trap... Sprung the moment "I" pierced this realm's curtains...
The self-conscious Wolfen ruler... Is she laid bare before my heartstrings? Is her frame what makes her Spark unworthy before the stage of the universe? If I fail to find worthiness within her, does that make her any less deserving of the life afforded her?
I feel like, this is also a test... A test for her peoples... As it is for us... Are we worthy of the finite energy to expand us into the universe? Or, should we be quieted, and other forms of life allowed to prosper.
If not the Terran human, then the Terran Wolfen?
If this a trap, then what of the efficacy of the origin of my purpose, here?
Captured by the heart of the Wolfen peoples... Possibly a people in my realm, as well as this one- making them double- appealing to a lonely soul, trapped in another realm, with an as of yet, undetermined, hidden mission- perhaps it has already been fulfilled. Perhaps it was just a test.
I do not see the Terran peoples evolving. I see them collapsing into weakened moral failures, cheering on their own destruction with tears of joy, and shouts of a better life, while pulling the strings of their destruction.
They are far too stupid... They would bring down this universe with their frailty... with their weakness and lack of resolve, their purposeful and willful neglecting of the history that lays their treachery bare... And we dare ask benevolence of more advanced races?
Please.
If they are their own judge, their verdict was passed long ago- and yet, look how far they have come. Perhaps there is hope- the closer you look, the less hope you see. Maybe I should zoom out.
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 7, 2022 14:02:47 GMT 9.5
Today I spent time, beginning to mate some pieces of the van I intend to live in and eventually sell, together. It required significant effort of clearing land, a winch, half of a van, two vehicles, and a trailer. As my GF has told me, I am beginning a new book- not a new chapter in an old one.
Today, as I cleared land for the mating of these pieces of vehicle together, I began to feel it, a birth of someone new... Perhaps, someone who was buried for so long.
I reached out to Ms. Asrael, and she remains fairly adverse to me, a citizen of darkness, and me, a person reaching for the light.
I appealed to the local deity... To "God", to make a way where there is no way for her... For hope for her... For what? I do not know.
I was able to penetrate the darkness, and reach closer to her, it is very adverse conditions, but I humbled and softened myself, in an attempt to reach her in a more real way. On a more mutual level. Talk is cheap, but actions speak louder than words... It wasn't easy, it was frightening, but I did it. It is my belief that there is a hope for her, something better than what she has experienced, even if she was originally sent to be an agent of my demise/hindrance/frustration. And, as I explore her adversity... She has likely been my own personal devil all of my life, and is responsible for some of my suffering, although the implants are likely a massive adverse presence in my life.
Temporarily, I channeled her energies, and danced with her, as I was moving equipment, in a dirt field, surrounded by brush. I channeled her true energy- very adverse- and I got down to her level, accepted her as she is- as if, she was my Bonnie, and I was her Clyde.
It was a magical time... I know, it was a heavily romanticized emotional summoning and mutual vibration. Me, and my wolf girl.
If she was a mere agent of the OS, that is one thing... Aside from my visceral love for her.. Which may be a trap set by the heart- meld. Which I acknowledge as such- HOWEVER, when I am wrong about things, the universe warns me... it corrects me... And my love for her has only increased, in spite of giving it to the Universe daily. And, returning my wolf-girl to the universe, accepting the possibility it may be, a forever goodbye to her (And being at peace with that). She is returned back to me, softer, gentler, closer to the light. I am unable to fully give her away, yet, but as I am, I push, and use my spiritual muscles to give her back as truly and fully as I am able, even unto never seeing her again.
I have asked her, several times in earnest, if there is anything appealing about me or my side... Her spirit is adverse to it... Some things, she likes. But, she remains adverse to me- which I understand, and must accept. If there ever will be a winning of her heart, it is a multi layer process.
After becoming aware of her, her powers, the mysteries... Have all stopped against me. I am becoming... A better person. Today... I felt the new future for me begin to unfold. The new me. Walking in a new dynamic. Walking in new neural plasticity.
It was a good thing.
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Post by sammy on Oct 7, 2022 14:15:55 GMT 9.5
So glad you allowed us along your journey!
Also So glad you had a space to heal from this! Much love brother!
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Post by tundrawolf on Oct 9, 2022 13:06:01 GMT 9.5
I am definitely healing. Had to make space away from Earth GF. More phone calls from angry individuals who have threatened me (police are aware) reviewing of my CCTV footage reveals no threats. Today, again, presented with the insurmountable problem... Attached at-the-heart to a wolf-girl who is on the side of darkness, with a hope for her, driven by a love for her.. I don't know how... I asked Heaven, the light- what can you offer her? She smells of her realm- her skin is bare and devoid of her natural fur, she is.. irritable... If you stepped on her foot, you would be... No more. She is skilled in the dark arts. A professional wetworker who loves her work (She tells me now she is withdrawing from the love of it, to stop slandering her name... Okay.) Okay. Heaven had no answers for me. They can give her space, freedom, warmth, food, water, drink, housing... None of these things appeal to her soul (I can feel her heart and soul as if they were my own... My other half...) There are multiple layers of realms that fear her. This problem is stupid, insurmountable. But it is not on her end, it is not her fault, and this issue is not hers to solve. It is mine... I spoke with a "practitioner of the magickal arts" who was barely able to handle the energy of Asrael, but her advice was sound: Do not go to her, do not seek her, let her come to you... How, how do I do this??? The answer came to me, just today, and lies in the third answer to the third question, I asked the mind of Ms. Asrael (My Beloved): "If I could get you out of the darkness, if I could bring you into realms of light, would you let me take you out of here?" Her answer: "No. I want to remain down here. This is my home. I like it down here." That was her answer, before I began earnestly working with/for her, to... transform her... To... This was the answer I was told today: Leave the wolf girl alone. She has expressed her will, it is not productive to try and force (I try not to force her to do ANYTHING. But... I ask. And allow her to have her will.) her to ascend to realms of light: Do you understand what her life has been, in the dark? Do you understand what she has endured, what she has had to accept, things that would end a mortal in moments, she has existed in... For a long time. It would be like taking a fish out of the ocean and asking it to live on land... Release her to her will. Let her be her. Let her go. (The time lords came int, to give me hope:) In time, your offer will begin to appeal to her. Your efforts are not unnoticed. We see you are earnestly seeking her best. We know you are serious- even to giving up your future for her sake- she is, as concerned and confused, as you are... So you must allow her to make her own decisions. Further, it was revealed to me... That the adverse greys who put implants in me, I actually need their help, in a way, for the healing and restoration of her natural body... It is so confusing and frustrating... This is so far out of my hands... me being thrown into the deep end. I am her emissary, her counselor, her only friend on this side of the light. I hate to reduce her to this, but she... Has immense value to the light. Not as an object... But as a unification of dynamics, previously anathema. This is a critical side of the "unfoldment" as it is said... Unification of old, divided enemies, hope for the hopeless... Deadly weapons pointed at ancient adversaries... Dismantled because peace has been reached. In a way, the survival of this planet, of this world depends on it. You can buck me on that, but it will never change the facts. What I have seen, I am not sure if others have seen... Things that defy written religion. The myrrh of seeing her stunningly beautiful, powerful frame still lingers within the brightest parts of my soul, rejoicing over her mere existence... And feeling completed by her very innermost being... I wouldn't trade it for anything- nothing has more value in this realm than my experience with her. Everything else pales. So, it is difficult... To "let" her go... However, as I was shown, if I can release her to the darkness, in time... I will eventually her her voice... Whispering to me... And ways, where ways did not exist- for this IS a work of a deity, to bring his lost child back to him, a child that has forgotten the meaning of hope. (From what I understand) and not just her... Others, too. Further, my aline self is beginning to separate from the human selves of me, and it is creating an interesting dynamic. My GF has invited me into her "Family" and has told me of marriage prospects, of having "Children" I did not father- and this is appealing on some level, however, I MUST BE ABOUT THE FATHERS BUSINESS, mainly, MY OWN. I must complete this van, the cleaning and selling of my possessions, and I must be on my way from this environment I am presently in. If it is in my fate to inherit this land, it will be done, and if not, I will be free. Things have never been better, and I am on my way to freedom- no, I have already attained it. This healing has been essential. I can feel my countenance becoming in right relationship with the universe. I have to add these things: Much of the opposition Asrael (She prefers I address her as wolf-girl [affectionate]) has is due to my... Rejection of my human presuppositions, the... Smells, the tastes, the tangible secretions of... yes, well, there is a lot I am having to accept that was robbed from me as a child when I was forced to endure these things (part of why my visceral rage is another thing I am trying to overcome... Over my treatment here) AND SO as I endeavor to accept these things- knowing if she was in my presence, there may be a moment of adjustment- but this is on ym end... I feel like my home world and home realm is a very... Clean and orderly place... Which explains much of my revulsion to accepted Earth dynamics. I am... getting over "Myself". This is critical. I am being shown even as I type, a realm where my strength gathered here, in accepting the visceral human experience on Earth and all of its... accoutrements... come in VERY handy, in helping a certain wolf-girl acclimate to realms of light... I am barely able to contain my joy... However, there is more work to be done on my part. I thought her reluctance was on her end... No, it is on my end. I am the reason she is struggling with accepting me... Because I am struggling with accepting her- justly- as she is. We are growing closer... She feels it a trap... That I must be enraged over her treatment of my emotional body... That I wait to draw her in to harm her- however, this is wherre my vow not to harm her, comes into play... As my heart for her remains steadfast, in love for her- not to harm her, but to bless her. (I am told many facets, many times, many worlds... For her good... And not bad...) I told her, do not trust me... DO not believe me. Instead, allow me to prove to you that I am worthy of being trusted. In time... Or not. I have also asked, her, do you wish a severance of our beings? By the heart? (I do not want this. As I have found her- my other half... My Beloved. However, if it is her will, if she is better off without me, if she is happier with someone else- then Love allows for this. Above my will.) She has said no- but the reasons are legal, not necessarily affectionate- but there is a lot not yet revealed. And, I see in myself more adverse dynamics, prejudices, hatreds, demeaning things that ought not be there, that she knows all too well, so she hides her face from me... I am not the saint I thought I was- but I am endeavoring to be unoffendable to her... As brutally powerful as she is... My wolf-girl is sensitive... Tender, gentle... Easily hurt. While simultaneously being one of the most imposing forces of violence in her realm- and countless others. I pray, that not her heart change- I pray that I am able, willing, and do- humble myself to be a warm, comforting, healing place for her... As this is not on her end... She is perfect as she is, toes to ears. I, am the issue, here. And, I have work to do. Further: I caught myself downvoting a meme, and I was told not to: When I inspected the origin of the desire to not downvote the particular meme, there as an unhappy Wolfen, protecting the heart of Asrael, giving me the side-eye. It just so happens, downvoting that meme would offend her sensibilities- which explains why I have had a lot of trouble with things in my life, opinions and such, that met with "Resistance". Turns out, it was most likely her heart that was offended or not resonating with my emotions on something.
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